Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

5 Parents Xander Never Had

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Xander has been linked to many famous and infamous people before. But nothing as insane as this.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Ficlet CollectionsSithicusFR768,36711618,26123 Jul 1022 Aug 10Yes

Not As Blue Blooded as They Hoped

Author's Notes: As this one really grabbed me I was forced to write this second possibly final chapter for the plot bunny. Perhaps someone would care to pick up the ball and run with it - hopefully Archie Comics won't get all uptight about it... I hear they have a very large stick up their... I mean displeasure at the thought of fanfics involving their characters.

Though I can't understand why? Fanfics after all are only a means for fans to show just how much they love the source material... I will admit though that there are a lot of problematic fanfictions out there though. I digress. I do hope I'll hear from some of you readers regarding this. Thank you. And now to mark as complete.

Veronica Lodge stared at Alexandra’s new half-brother with a look of sheer astonishment. Slowly she circled the eighteen year old male with raised brow – he was dressed in a pair of jeans, a shirt that looked like it came out of Miami Vice – and not the good kind of Miami Vice, but the badly dressed tacky walk-ons from the background crowd scenes Miami Vice.

His hair was unruly. His fingernails were in need of a good manicurist – even though he was a boy and boys never did care much about their nails – and he had a slight smell about him of having been on the road for an extended period of time without bathing.

Veronica stopped her examination with a shake of her head. “I’m sorry, Alexandra, but I see no redeeming qualities in this one,” she stated matter of factly. “He is definitely not a blue blood Cabot,” she informed in a frosty tone.

Alexandra nodded. “I can agree with you there, but he is passable as one with some work otherwise Alexander never would have… ‘adopted’ Alexander here,” she said her gaze growing shrewd. “I’d be tempted to leave him with the Chase girl, but Cordelia Chase has been trying for a very long time to get into ‘our’ circle and I for one think it would be very fun to tell her that her boyfriend is welcome, but she is not,” she added with a cheery almost false smile.

“Vindictive much,” Xander quipped sullenly. He was still unnerved by the events of the day – Alexander Cabot was certainly better gene material than Anthony Harris ever was, but his children left a sour taste in his mouth with their attitudes.

“One of our social standing must always belittle the nouveau riche,” Alexandra stated as though it were a mantra.

Veronica nodded. “Yes, it is what one must do, if you are to become a true Cabot than you too must share our practices and class,” she said matter of factly.

“But, I thought you were dating some regular Joe named Archie?” Xander asked confusedly.

Veronica’s eyes flared darkly. “Who told you that?” she demanded. “I could care less for Archibald Andrews,” she added in an icy tone.

Alexandra leaned in close to her half-brother. “She must be having it out with Betty again,” she whispered conspiratorially.

Xander filed the name away for later. “Would it be ok now if we returned to your place so I could take that shower and get a bite to ear?” he asked – almost begged – since apparently Veronica Lodge wasn’t going to help his half-sister with her mad scheme to get him away from Cordelia Chase.

Veronica held a hand over her nose. “I strongly suggest you let him,” she said. “Father will think mother started her composting again,” she added.

“Hey!” Xander shouted indignantly.

Alexandra smirked. “Come along, brother dear, you are beginning to smell a tad ripe,” she remarked casually. Beckoning with one finger she headed back out of the Lodge’s living room and towards the front entrance. “Try and keep him in mind, Veronica,” she said.

Nodding absently Veronica settled down on the couch with her fashion magazine. “Of course,” she promised. “Now what is Katy Keene wearing these days?” she asked herself her eyes lighting up as she flipped through the magazine.

After a much needed shower back at the Cabot mansion Xander was drying himself with a towel and wondering how he could ever get out of the clutches of his two newly discovered half-siblings. It was obvious even to the native Sunnydalian that they weren’t about to let him just wander off on his trip again.

At least the trip so far hadn’t been a total loss – Josie and the Pussycats seemed like a nice bunch – better than his newly discovered family. It was going to be hard though going back home – since he was a high school graduate there was really nothing in their eyes to keep him in Sunnydale – if Alexander the Second were so inclined he might even insist on some fancy college or something.

Sighing Xander found his way to his bedroom – formerly a guest room Alexandra had, had the servants fix it up for him – hopefully once changed he’d feel much better. “You’d think they’d have private bathrooms in all the guest rooms though,” he said to himself as he shut the door to his room.

His eyes fell upon a change of clothing resting on the bed – he knew he hadn’t laid anything out – and he’d never dress in anything so… classy. Xander had a feeling Alexandra had a hand in this. “What’d she do go out and buy me something?” he asked picking up the polo shirt with a slight frown.

“Actually those are some of mine,” Alexander informed as he propped up against the doorframe with a smirk.

“Alex,” Xander returned. “She can’t seriously expect me to dress in your hand-me-downs?” he blurted.

Alex shrugged. “What can I say, Alexandra has her habits and once she starts on a project there’s no choice but to humor her,” he said indifferently.

Xander would have sighed again, but he was surprisingly used to such treatment. It was no worse than when Cordy got him all dolled up for Prom. “I still would have preferred to at least have an opinion on the colors,” he complained tugging the boxers up over his knees and settling everything into place.

Alex smirked. “Yes, the plain olive tone of that shirt really doesn’t do much for your complexion,” he said.

Xander quirked a brow. “And you would know that first hand?” he asked.

“Why do you think I stopped wearing it?” Alex asked defensively his eyes shifting from side to side briefly.

Xander pulled the shirt down and studied his reflection in the mirror. “Well… It really isn’t me, but if Alexandra wants to play dress up with baby brother I suppose I can play along, provided I get to put a little more me into this ensemble,” he said with a vicious smirk. Fishing through his bags he was surprised to find that Alexandra hadn’t thought to tell the servants to remove all of his clothes so he couldn’t try something. “Perfect!” Xander crowed tugging a thin button up over-shirt from his duffel.

Alexander grinned when he saw the neon orange with yellow striped monstrosity. “You certainly are a Cabot,” he stated.

Xander put the shirt on over the polo shirt, but instead of buttoning it up he just let it hang open. “I gotta be me,” he told Alexander with a chesire cat grin.

“Come along, brother dear, Alexandra wanted to show you off at Pop’s Chok’lit Shoppe,” Alexander informed.

“Huh?” Xander remembered driving past the place in the limo – it was back in Riverdale. “Why does she want me to go all the way back to Riverdale to be shown off?”

“Two words, Alan M.” Alexander shook his head. “He ran off to hook up with some friends in Riverdale and Alexandra wants to try and twist him over to her side again,” he added rolling his eyes skywards.

Xander grinned ear to ear. “Well ok, if Alexandra really wants me to show up in public like this, who am I to disappoint?” he asked with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Alexander laughed at his siblings comment and shook his head. “This is going to be priceless, come on I’ll drive you over in my car,” he offered.

“Sweet,” Xander returned.

The trip back to Riverdale had taken less time due to the fact that Alexander Cabot the Third owned a rather choice looking sports car – one of three he’d picked up during his formative years before becoming the exclusive manager of Josie and the Pussycats.

It helped also that Riverdale and Midvale were so close together.

Xander smiled a big ear-to-ear smile as he hopped out of the passenger seat in front of the little soda shop on the corner of the street. Fixing his collar so it was standing up and making his ensemble look all the more garish for it – he winked at an African-American pair just exiting the building – and proceeded inside.

All noise stopped. All eyes in the place were on the new arrival.

“Alexander!” Alexandra screamed in impotent rage as she caught sight of her half-brother.

“Yes, dear Alexandra?” Xander asked innocently.

“How could you?” Alexandra demanded stomping up to Xander and glaring at him.

“It’s official, Jughead, there’s somebody with worse fashion sense than you,” Reggie Mantle said aside to the kid with the long nose, blue sweater with the letter S on it and grey crown perched haphazardly on his noggin.

“Alexandra? That isn’t your brother,” a blonde girl said eyeing the pair of them confusedly – her expression became even more unsure when Alexander Cabot the Third walked in behind the ‘other’ Alexander.

“Don’t be fooled, Betty Cooper, this Alexander is my brother too,” Alexandra said crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Xander. “He’s just not entirely a Cabot,” she added snidely. “And I can see where I’m going to have my work cut out turning him into one,” she muttered frustratedly.

“That’s rich, you found another half-sibling and his first name is Alexander?” Reggie asked chuckling. “So what’s the plural for Alexander anyway? Alexandi?” he asked bursting into raucous laughter at his little joke.

“Hardy har, har, Reggie, very droll,” Alexander said. “For simplicities sake we just stick to calling him Xander, like he insists,” he explained with a roll of his eyes.

“So, Alexandra, are you going to introduce me to your Riverdale friends like you planned?” Xander asked waggling his eyebrows – he was enjoying himself far too much.

“This riff raff, friends?” Alexandra repeated with raised brow. “Please, none of them are in my class, Veronica enjoys palling around with them occasionally, I however am forced to play nice since Alan M is also friends with them,” she stated eyeing the group rather coldly.

“Speaking of which, where did Alan M get too?” Xander wondered glancing around the relatively small soda shop and not seeing the muscle bound blonde that his sister had the hots for.

“He went to go pick up Josie for a date,” Alexandra said furiously. She stomped around her brother glaring at his over-shirt. “I insist you remove that hideous thing at once, if you are going to be seen in public and be associated with the Cabots, you must dress accordingly!” she screeched.

“Why don’t you go back to Midvale, Alexandra?” Reggie demanded fuming at the slight she’d made concerning him.

“Not until Xander removes that hideous eyesore!” Alexandra insisted stomping her feet.

“Alexandra, we may be family, but that doesn’t mean you can tell me how to act, what to wear or who to socialize with!” Xander snapped back finally getting fed up with the primadona act his sister was putting on.

Alexandra stared at him mystified. “I’m only trying to help you, Xander,” she told him as if it were the greatest gift she could give.

Xander let out a growl and his eyes flickered briefly – a clear sign that he’d had enough of the day’s unusual events. “Alexandra, I’m grateful you’re so accepting of the bastard child of your father, but quite frankly I’ve lived eighteen years of my life a certain way and I’m not about to change just because I’m entitled to something as prestigious as the Cabot name,” he stated in a gentle tone trying to lessen the blow.

Alexander was eyeing him thoughtfully surprised that he was standing up to Alexandra – something Alexander knew better than to do, but it was just something Xander would have to learn the hard way – unfortunately.

Alexandra smiled sweetly and reached for one of Jughead’s chocolate malts. “If you insist, Xander,” she said before proceeding to dump the contents over Xander’s head. Fuming she stormed out of the Chok’lit Shoppe leaving behind a shocked Xander and a mournful Jughead Jones.

“What a waste of a perfectly good malt,” Jughead said with a sigh.

“Not to mention my shirt,” Xander added frustratedly.

“I’m afraid that’s only the beginning, Xander,” Alex said apologetically. “I’ll go after Alexandra and try to calm her down before she trashes your entire wardrobe,” he promised before taking his leave.

Xander removed his over-shirt and used it to wipe the malt out of his hair – it was already ruined anyway – taking a moment to toss the shirt into the trash and offer a silent funerary service for one of his favored shirts Xander turned back to the others. “And now for proper introductions,” he said. “How ya doing, Xander Harris, or Cabot if you prefer though I haven’t been officially adopted or anything yet so I doubt it’ll stick too well… Pleased ta meet ya,” Xander said reaching out a hand to the closest teen and offering a friendly smile.

“Jughead Jones,” Jughead returned.

“We can’t choose family,” Reggie said with a shrug. “Reggie Mantle.”

“Betty Cooper,” the blonde added with a broad grin as she also shook Xander’s hand.

“With The Archies, right?” Xander asked curiously.

“You’ve heard of us?” Jughead asked suspiciously.

“Of course everyone has heard of the great Reggie Mantle,” Reggie bragged reaching into his pocket and pulling out a folded eight-by-ten. “I suppose you want an autograph,” he said as if he were horribly put out.

“Uh… No,” Xander returned. “But Josie and the girls had nothing but good things to say about you while we were on the road,” he added.

“You’re one of the Pussycats?” Reggie asked incredulously. “Boy their standards are slipping,” he added.

“Reggie!” Betty scolded exasperatedly. “Pay no attention to Reggie,” she added in a conspiratorial tone. “We think he was dropped on his head as a child.” Betty giggled.

“Hey!” Reggie complained.

“Anyway,” Xander said exaggeratedly. His stomach chose that moment to let its displeasure known with a rather loud rumble. “Right, I’ve been on the road a long time and I’m starved, so what’s the chow like here?” he asked sheepishly.

Jughead grinned and wrapped his arm over Xander’s shoulder. “Allow me to introduce you to the wonderful culinary delights that Pop is capable of,” he said. “And maybe you can replace that malt Alexandra ruined your shirt with?” he asked hopefully.

Xander shrugged. “Why not?” he asked. Smiling he eyed the large menu on the wall privately amazed by the prices, but wisely decided not to comment on them. “Guess we’ll start with half a dozen hamburgers, that chocolate malt I promised Jughead, two banana splits, half a pizza and one large cherry coke to wash it all down with,” he told the man behind the counter.

Jughead wiped a tear out of his eye. “A guy after my own heart,” he said theatrically.

“Not only does he have your fashion sense, Jughead, but he’s got your eating habits,” Reggie said making a sour face.

“Uh…. I’ve got a wonky metabolism,” Xander said in a dismissive tone – no sense in bringing up the fact that part of his DNA had fish enzymes and whatever due to the incident with swim team – or that thanks to the possession from Alpha he’d developed a little bit of a meaty taste. “Could those burgers be rare?” he asked Pop.

“Not a problem, young man,” Pop returned with a bright smile. “And welcome to Riverdale,” he added.

“Glad to be here,” Xander said – and he meant it – the place had a quaint charm to it. Maybe he could be persuaded to hang out with his siblings – provided they at least let him go back to Sunnydale when the summer ended – after all his friends would probably need him eventually. And if he came home with an autograph from Archie for Willow maybe she’d even forgive him for being related to the Cabots through his newly discovered lineage.

The End

The End

You have reached the end of "5 Parents Xander Never Had". This story is complete.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking