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Oh, No, Not THEM!

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Summary: It was the most boring job in all Goblindom, so Inkspittle was thoroughly excavating his left nostril, when the Globe of Detection abruptly glowed into brilliant life, indicating for the first time in 1,000 years that a true heir had entered the land.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Crossover: Other(Recent Donor)ManchesterFR131884072,21729 Jul 1029 Jul 10Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. To avoid spoilers, a more complete disclaimer is given at the end of this story.



Displaying a wide grin full of pointy yellow teeth to the stunned dining room while the goblin waved a clawed hand at the group of muggles he’d just brought along with him, the Gringotts clerk then gleefully cackled, “Concerning Paragraph J(i)-subset z{theta}, you can apparate into Hogwarts, if you’ve previously held the mortgage on the property.”

As the sniggering creature then departed from the castle’s Great Hall with the usual crack! of apparation, his task of once more sticking it to the wizards joyously completed, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore dazedly grasped with both hands the copy of the ownership deed to Hogwarts that had been given to him right in the middle of breakfast, and he tried to gather together his abruptly scattered wits by concentrating upon his examination of the small group of people standing in the middle of the vast room and in the main interestedly looking around themselves.

Frankly, it seemed more like a family than a group, with a father, mother, older daughter, younger brother, and a toddler held in the arms of his mother. They even had a dog with them, though it was more than a bit strange that this animal was standing on its hind legs and calmly gazing back at the elderly wizard with an actually intelligent stare. Though, this canine’s expression was nothing compared to the coldly malevolent glare of that small child with the oddly-shaped head in his mother’s arms, directed right at the man seated next to Dumbledore, who was himself….whimpering?

Keeping his attention upon those new people beyond the staff table while simultaneously hissing out of the corner of his mouth, the Headmaster impatiently inquired, “What ails you, Severus? I need your assistance in dealing with these muggles!”

His teeth chattering, the pasty-faced man with the greasy hair moaned back to the astonished Leader of the Light, “Headmaster, that….that….boy there, when I used my Legilimency to read his mind-- Oh, Merlin, what he’s done, what he’s planning-- I tell you, he makes Voldemort at his worse look less dangerous than a squashed flobberworm!”

Unable to believe his ears, Dumbledore turned his head to dumbfoundedly regard Snape, as that terrified, black-clad wizard then had his eyes roll up in his head as he fainted in his chair, slumping back into this furniture, accompanied by a putrid stench that showed the Potions Master had suddenly lost control of his lower sphincters.

Absently hitting his pet Death Eater with an air-freshening spell, the Headmaster paid no further attention to that man, as he instead desperately studied the deed placed on top of the table in front of him, with the bearded wizard’s half-eaten bowl of Sugar-Plus! Crunchies hastily pushed away to make room for this document. Frantically searching for some, ANY, kind of loophole to keep a bunch of non-magical humans from claiming their total ownership of Hogwarts Castle and everything else inside that edifice, down to the last dusty cobwebs in the dungeon corners, Albus Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled madly as he spotted a remote possibility….

“Excuse me, sir!” The wizard who’d faced down Gellert Grindlewald himself politely called out to the oldest person there of the muggles, a male adult that seemed to be the paterfamilias of these people, and who was currently studying the Great Hall while evidently slowly working out something in his head. Dumbledore continued as the chunky man looked back at him in surprise. “Er, there seems to be a slight mistake concerning your family name--”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, those ugly guys at that weird bank explained to us all about it, how over the years the rest of the descendants died off and mine just forgot how they had magic, and the name also changed during that time, from Gryffindor to ours.” Finishing off his interruption while beaming at the flabbergasted wizard, Peter Griffin then happily clapped his pudgy hands once and then kept these clasped together, as he then gleefully rubbed them while looking around at his new property.

A maniacal glint began to appear in the eyes of the former resident of Quahog, Rhode Island, while he enthusiastically burbled, “The first thing I’m gonna change right here in this room is to put up an extra-king-sized foosball table, with real live people held in place by poles through the backs of their robes, as the strikers! I think that out-cold guy next to you would be perfect for the goalkeeper….”

As an immense uproar promptly erupted from the students and the rest of the teachers (which included several fervent cheers from non-Slytherin muggleborn students who knew all about that table soccer game), a defeated Albus Dumbledore slowly leaned forward onto the table, allowing his face to come to a rest flat on top of the iron-clad legal document, and then blindly fumbling with his right hand until he found and yanked towards himself his half-full breakfast cereal bowl. With any luck, there was enough milk remaining in this piece of crockery for the Headmaster to succeed in drowning himself in it.



Further Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and Family Guy characters are the property of their original owners.

Author’s Note: Just a bit of fluff thought up during my commute.

The End

You have reached the end of "Oh, No, Not THEM!". This story is complete.

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