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Your Friendly Radioactive Alien From Utah

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Summary: There is a very good reason why your mother tells you to never pick up hitchhikers, and Colonel O’Neill is going to find out why.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-CenteredLadyFoxFireFR13311,2392615530,73031 Jul 1014 Aug 10Yes

Chapter 3

Title: your friendly radioactive alien from Utah
Author: Lady FoxFire
Pairing(s): None
Rating: PG-13
Warning: not bashing but not friendly to Buffy and Willow
Category(s): Crossover (Stargate SG-1/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Timeline: Post graduation for Buffy and early season 3 for StarGate SG-1
Summary: There is a very good reason why your mother tells you to never pick up hitchhikers, and Colonel O’Neill is going to find out why.
Disclaimer: Yes, it’s me again,” the vampire said, “And as you can see I’m still stuck in my grave. I really don’t understand why doesn’t anyone give me a hand. I mean I’m a nice guy, sure I drink blood but hey a guy got to eat. I tell the world that that Lady FoxFire doesn’t know the StarGate or Buffy universe and that she doesn’t make any money from this and I don’t get a thing for it. Not one little thing. I don’t ask for money or anything but you think someone would at least help me get out of my grave but oh no they’re too busy reading the newest chapter. It’s not right, I tell you. You should give a guy a hand if he’s stuck in a hole. I’m tempted to contact my lawyer and sue. That’s what I’m going to d…” Suddenly the vampire exploded into dust as Xander Harris behind where the vampire had been. “A blood sucker call down another blood sucker was just too much for this fic. Beside at least he’s out of the hole now.”

Bad Author Notes: Please don’t kill me for the ending, my Muse made me do it.

"Just five more minutes," Xander moaned as Dr Fraiser tried to gently wake him.

"Mr. Harris, the General needs to speak to you," Fraiser said

Xander seemed to wake up a bit more. "General?" he croaked as he struggled to sit up in the bed.

"Allow me," Fraiser said as she used the controls to raise the head of the bed up so that Xander could rest easily yet see everyone in the room.

Xander brow was furrowed with confusion as he looked at the people in the room. "Military?"

"Air Force, son. I'm General Hammond, commander of this base," Hammond said. "Dr Fraiser, Colonel O'Neill, Major Ferretti, Major Carter, Dr Daniel Jack and Murray." Hammond introduced each person in the room with a nod of his head in their direction

"Hi. Ummm… How did I get here?" Xander asked.

"That would be my fault," Jack said as he pushed himself off the wall he has been leaning against.

"Jack?" Xander asked, confusion evident in his voice as he took in the appearance of his new friend dressed in fatigues.

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, second in command of this base," Jack said as he held out his hand to Xander

"Xander Harris, civilian," Xander replied as he took Jack's hand.

"Mr. Harris, we have some questions for you," General Hammond said.

Xander licked his lips nervously. "Questions?"

"You're not in trouble, son," Hammond said in a grandfatherly tone of voice, "but there are some things we need to know and it seems that you're the only one with the answers."

"Answers to what?" Xander replied.

"Graduation and your glow in the dark impersonation," a man with the tag of Ferretti said. "We're kind of curious to know if what you did will hurt the Colonel or anyone else in any way."

"It wasn't me," Xander shook his head. "I had nothing to do with that!"

"I understand that son but we still need to ask you some questions," Hammond said soothingly. "We also need to know about the explosion at your graduation."

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Some freakish methane explosion," he said as his eyes drifted away from Hammond's face. "Someone didn't catch the leak from the sewers from what I heard."

"Yeah that might be true if it was an inside event but since it was outside and methane is lighter than air I kind of doubt that," Ferretti glared threateningly at Xander.

Xander held up his hands in surrender. "That’s what I was told. Someone investigated the explosion and said it was a gas leak."

"And the snake everyone talked about seeing?" Ferretti asked harshly.

"Snake?" Xander nervously licked his lips. "You mean the hallucinations that everyone kept seeing?"

"Yeah," Ferretti said with an unfriendly smile. "You know the thing about methane gas is that it doesn’t cause hallucinations and it especially won't at outdoor events where it can float away. Also it doesn't cause everyone to have the same hallucinations."

"Like I said that was what I was told," Xander said in his defense. "If you got a problem with it, then take it up with whoever investigated it."

"Oh I plan too," Ferretti snarled. "You see I think there was a cover-up of some sort around that so called explosion and I plan to go to whoever is above the agents that signed off on that report and get some answers. And if they can't give me what I'm looking for I'll go to their boss and on wards. I plan to get to the truth of the matter and make sure that everyone involved with the cover-up faces the full punishment of the law."

Xander licked his lips nervously as he looked at Ferretti with concern in his eyes. "You don't think that if it was a cover-up that whoever was involved might want it to stay a secret? I mean you hear about how sometimes people disappear without a trace or end up dying in some accident."

The members of SGC shared a look among themselves as they allowed Ferretti to continue to play 'bad cop'.

"Don't you think I can defend myself or if there would be an investigation into the disappearance or death of a Major in the U.S. Air Force?" Ferretti replied. "I've met some of those bastard in AFOSI, they don't take anyone's word on anything until they've triple checked it."

"Worse than that bastard Gibbs in NCIS?" Xander asked in surprise.

"You know Gibbs?" Jack asked in surprise.

Xander turned and looked at Jack in surprise as if he's just remembered where he was and who he's with. "Know of him. Never met the man," Xander replied with a shrug.

"You never answered my question, Mr. Harris," Ferretti snarled. "Do you think I wouldn't be able to defend myself or if I did there wouldn’t be an investigation?"

"Fools die where angels fear to go," Xander replied simply. "The problem is sometimes the Fools come back."

"Don't you mean 'For fools rush in where angels fear to tread'," Daniel said.

"No," Xander replied grimly. "Fools died and normally in some painful manner."

"So you'll think I'll die and there won't be an investigation or there will a cover-up?" Ferretti said in a tone that said he didn't believe him.

"You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last," Xander replied.

"Son, are you saying there's more going on in your hometown than just the explosion at your graduation?" General Hammond gave Ferretti a hand signal to back down.

Xander allowed his head to flop back onto his pillow, looking up at the ceiling while staring off into space.

Hammond looked at his men as Xander refused to answer his question.

"Do you know what caused you to glow and to experience pain when you crossed the border into Colorado?" Hammond asked as he decides to table the other subject for now.

"Magic," Xander replied softly as he continued to stare at the ceiling.

"Magic?" Hammond replied.

Xander turned his head and looked at the General. "Yep, but of course you don't believe me," he said, "after all magic doesn't exist, right?"

"It's not that we don't believe you," blond woman with the name Carter sewn on to her fatigues said. "It's just there is so many another possibilities than… magic."

"Such as?" Xander replied as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well…" Carter licked her lips. "Ignorance of advanced technology."

"I know how to set the clock on a VCR and to get it to record while I'm away," Xander countered.

"Okay the kid had a grasp of technology," Ferretti commented.

"Still can't get it to stop flashing 12 o'clock?" Jack said in a teasing tone.

"Unlike you I don't have an astrophysicist to do it for me," Ferretti snapped back.

"For crying out loud! It was just that one time after the power failure. I was about to get to it when Carter did it," Jack replied.

Carter shook her head with a sigh. "Hallucinations."

"I live on coffee and Twinkies. So nothing there that would cause that," Xander replied. "And I don't take any drugs or medications or have any mental conditions. Of course none of that would explain me lighting up like a light bulb either."

"A chemical reaction similar to that of fireflies could," Carter suggested.

Xander turned to Dr Fraiser who had been silently watching everything. "Anything like that show up?"

Fraiser shook her head. "I ran the full spectrum of tests. Nothing abnormal showed up," she replied.

Carter crossed her arms over her chest, her head bowed in thought. "Mass hallucinations," she suggested.

"You mean you think that I'm making you think that I was glowing and in pain," Xander replied.

"Yes," Carter replied sharply.

"Why?" Xander demanded. "What reason would I have to do that?"

A small knowingly smile graced Carter's lips. "To gain access to a secure military complex."

"Why would I want to do that?" Xander asked in disgust. "Not to mention how could I have done that? I mean I'm pretty sure you guys have security cameras around the base. Did any of them show me being a light bulb?"

Carter grounded her teeth. "I'm sure there is a logical answer, one in which I will discover in due time. After all magic does not exist!"

"You tell him, toots," a voice said with a strong Brooklyn accent.

The members of SGC turned in the direction of the voice to find a man who was dressed as though he had stepped out of a 1950's detective story. His outfit was complete down to the fedora on his head.

The soldiers that had been assigned guard duty in the hospital immediately pointed their weapons at the intruder.

"Whistler," Xander said with the combination of disgust and resignation at the sight of the intruder

"Kid," Whistler replied as he eyes the soldiers. "Ya sure know how to jump from one skillet over the fire to another, don't ya."

"Who are you and how did you get on my base," General Hammond demanded as he motioned for the soldiers to back down.

"Name's Whistler as ya heard. Balance demon," Whistler tipped his hat to expose two small horns on top of his head. "And for how I got here… trade secret."

"He folded reality," Xander chimed in.

"How did ya know that, kid?" Whistler demanded amusement in his voice.

"Will," Xander replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"And exactly want to you mean he folded reality?" Jack asked.

"Umm… shortest distance," Xander replied. "Put two dots on a sheet of paper and fold the paper so they match. But don't crease the paper. Creasing the paper is bad."

"Sounds like A Wrinkle in Time," Ferretti commented.

As everyone looked at him, Ferretti shrugged his shoulder. "My oldest, Mary is reading it. But I don't get why creasing it is bad."

"Ya ever hear of the Bermuda Triangle?" Whistler asked.

"Yeah," Ferretti replied.

Whistler simply nodded his head.

"You're saying that the Bermuda Triangle is a crease in the fabric of the universe," Jack demanded.

"Pretty much," Whistler said with a shrug.

"You said that you were a Balance demon," Daniel said.

"Correct," Whistler replied eyeing Daniel tentatively.

"Is that the name of your people?" Daniel asked

"Nah," Whistler replied. "My people's name is something ya humans can't pronounce or even hear completely since some of it is above and below ya range of hearing. Balance demon is more the type of demon we are than a name."

"Is there more than one type of demon?" Daniel asked.

"Lots!" Xander and Whistler said at the same time.

"Of course not all of the demons are like him," Xander said with a nod of his head towards Whistler, "some of them are actually nice. And then there are the ones you run away from screaming while praying they don't eat you."

"Watch it, kid or I might be introducing ya to some of those demons," Whistler said in a warning yet teasing tone.

Carter snorted as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Demons don't exist."

"And neither do aliens, toots but guess what you're standing next to one," Whistler snapped back as he nodded in the direction of Teal'c.

"Alien? Really?" Xander said in surprise as he looked over in the direction Whistler had indicated.

"He's a Jaffa," Whistler stated as Xander looked at Teal'c with awe.

"Jaffa?" Xander said as he turned back to Whistler. "Didn't they serve the… goula, goala… the snake demons of ancient Egypt?"

"It's Gou'ald and they weren't demons," Whistler said. "They're an alien parasites with delusions of grandeur. And how did ya know about them? I know your little team didn't have a run in with them."

Xander snorted. "Read aloud from one of Giles' books once, then become fray-adjacent and see if they'll trust you help look up the monster of the week," he replied bitterly. "They would hand me whatever book they had that they knew didn't have whatever we were looking for. One of them was about demons or I guess it was aliens of ancient Egypt and the chopping eye."

"Chappa'ai," Daniel corrected.

"Right. What he said," Xander said. "And then there was the book of the Norse gods that describes them as looking more like aliens out of Roswell then an over-muscular man with blond hair who really should have red hair. You would think that comic book writers could get their facts straight.”

Whistler sighed as he rubbed his forehead as if to warn off a headache. "Kid, ya really have a talent for walking into it don't ya."

"Huh?" Xander said in confusion.

Whistler patted Xander on the shoulder. "You'll find out soon enough, kid," he said.

"What exactly are you on my base for, Mr. Whistler," Hammond demanded.

Whistler stared at Hammond for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. "To check up on the kid. To give him the key for the storage place I put his stuff in and to tell him that the bounty has been withdrawn."

"Bounty?" Xander asked.

Whistler snorted. "Ya didn't think they wouldn't have a bounty on ya, kid? One small step back towards home and…" Whistle held his hand like a gun and pointed at Xander before pulling the pretend trigger. "H and H. No body to be found or at least identified. Of course if you do try to go home… well…"

"No worries there," Xander replied as he shook his head. "I’m a firm believer that sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs and wants of the one. After all I’ve had to face that decision once."

"So I take it that all of the stuff you’re talking about is connected to Xander's light show," Jack said.

"Actual… no it doesn't," Whistler replied. "It's really about all life in the universe get snuffed out in an instant."

"End of all life, huh?" Ferretti said.

Whistler shrugged his shoulders, "Only if the kid returns home. As long as he stays away, life continues."

"So… any chance the kid is Jack's or Daniel's love child?" Ferretti asked.

A number of snorts and chuckles filled the room as both Jack and Daniel gave Ferretti a look that promised revenge.

Whistler looked at the two men in question. "Ya know… I'm not sure," he said. "I can kind of see some around the eyes and mouth."

"You think my mom cheated on my dad?" Xander asked in a cautiously hopeful tone of voice.

Whistler turned and looked at Xander. "Ya think there isn't any chance she didn't?"

"Nope. None what so ever," Xander replied, "but do you really think there’s a chance that Tony isn't my dad?"

"70-30 in favor of Harris not being your father," Whistler replied after a moment of thought.

"Yeah but with my luck, I'll go against the odds," Xander said dejectedly.

"So what exactly is this so called threat to all life in the universe?" Jack growled.

"Well… no one is exactly sure," Whistler admitted bashfully. "Ya see there's this prophecy…"

"Magic, demons and now a prophecy," The tone of Carter’s voice indicated that she didn’t believe anything Whistler had said. "None of that exists. Magic does not exist. People confuse advanced technology with magic. Demons are only aliens that somehow landed on Earth or failed Gou'ald experiments."

Whistler looked at Carter. "You're the type who put tweezers into the electrical outlet as a kid, ain't ya."

"What!" Carter sputtered.

"Never willing to take someone's word on a matter especially when they're more experienced on the matter," Whistler said. "Had to prove it to ya self, no matter what happens or who gets hurt in the matter."

Carter's nostrils flared as she glared at Whistler.

"What ya think, kid," Whistler said to Xander. "She remind ya of another blond? ‘I know better than ya because I'm special. Just ignore all the times I nearly kill ya or sent the world into hell.’"

Xander glance briefly at Carter before looking away. "I'm going to plead the 5th," he said softly.

A bark of laughter came from Whistler's lips. "And now ya show some sense of self-preservation."

"Balance Demon Whistler," Teal'c said in his deep monotone voice, "You were explaining the threat to life in the universe and a prophecy concerning XanderHarris."

"That’s one thing I always liked about Jaffa… they're always go straight to the heart of the matter," Whistler said to Xander. "Alright around the time the Mayor was going through his big change…"

"Big change?" Daniel was the one to interrupt this time.

"130-140 year old sorcerer who changed into an Olvikan demon," Whistler explained.

"The Big Bad who changed into a big snake demon with teeth during graduation," Xander explained.

"How big?" Jack said.

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Eighty, ninety feet long. Able to swallow a person whole. Which reminds me was Snyder part troll?"

"Goblin. Remember short and nasty," Whistler replied.

"It swallowed a person whole?' Daniel whispered in disbelief.

"Well it was Snyder, the school principal," Xander explained. "It was probably the greatest moment in my life so far. I mean everyone and I do mean everyone cheered when we saw that… then we fought for our lives."

"You celebrated the death of your principal," Teal'c said.

Xander turned and looked at Teal'c, his eyes were cold and heartless. "We celebrated the death of that monster. The Mayor turned into a demon for power. He built the town to draw people in so he could use them as trade favors with those who had powers. He sacrificed and killed people for a century so he could become a demon and gain more powers. And if you compared him to Snyder, the Mayor was a prince."

"What did he do?" Carter said.

"He destroyed lives. The Mayor was honest he killed people. Snyder enjoyed destroying students' hopes and dreams. He loved shredding people’s self-esteem or creating situations in which someone thinks the only way to escape is by killing someone or chewing on the end of a gun."

Everyone stood and stared at Xander in shock.

"So not a Gou'ald… a little snake at your graduation?" Ferretti said with a mix of disbelief and shock in his voice.

"Nah," Xander said. "If it was we won't have had to blow the school up."

"You blew your school up?" Daniel said in shock. "Why?"

"We didn't have a volcano available," Xander replied simply.

"I'm almost afraid to ask this… but are ghosts, vampires, werewolves and all that stuff real?" Ferretti asked with dread in his voice. "I mean if demons are real, are the rest of them real too?

"Yeap," Xander replied happily. "Everything but Leprechauns."

"I think it would be best to get back to the matter at hand," General Hammond commanded. "What can you tell us about this threat?"

"Not much," Whistler admitted as he hopped up on the bed next to Xander's. "Ya see just as the kids were blowing up the town mayor, seems as all the seers on all three sides started screaming about the end of all."

"Excuse me, all three sides," Jack interrupted.

"The good, the bad and the neutral," Whistler replied.

"Sounds like a spaghetti westerns?" Jack commented.

Whistler shrugged his shoulders. "Pretty much. The bad guys trying to take over the world; good guys stopping them and the neutrals just living their life one day at a time."

"Anyway after the kid and his team survived their graduations, the seers starts going on about the end of all life. Took a couple days to figure out the meaning behind it and for all sides to come to an agreement…"

"An agreement?" Daniel interrupted this time.

"Well if everything is dead, and I do mean everything, what's the point of trying to take over the world or save it," Whistler explained. "Anyway once they came to an agreement they sent me to the kid to explain the situation."

"Yeah, that was a fun meeting. Not," Xander grumbled. "Trying to get dressed for the Larry's funeral while packing up my stuff I want to keep in case the parents decide to sell it so they can buy more booze while I'm on my trip and suddenly he appears with the damn prophecy."

Whistler shrugged his shoulder. "Be glad you stayed around to the funerals instead of heading right out or you’d have lost everything you wanted to save."

"So what exactly is this prophecy?" Daniel asked. "You've only said that if Xander returns to his hometown then all life will end."

"No one’s really sure, I mean we know that if the kid returns home then someplace out there either in this dimension or another something will happen that will end all life in this dimension," Whistler explained.

"Other dimensions?" Carter said with interest.

Whistler let out a disgusted sigh. "Should have keep my mouth shut. Look the kid's hometown sits on a weak spot in the barrier between this dimension and other less desirable ones. And occasionally something will push it's way through into this dimension and that what the kid and his friends dealt with."

"Then I was right," Carter crowed. "They're not demons but beings from other dimensions."

Whistler sighed wearily. "Yes and no. Some are from other dimensions and some are from this dimension," he said as he turned towards General Hammond as if to avoid any more of Carter's questions. "Look the Seers starts to scream about the end. Those in charge agreed that the kid should leave town as soon as possible and never return because no one was sure what would happen if the kid died while in town. Not like anyone has had any lucky killing him before, though some people did try… more than once."

"So why didn't they kill him once he was out of town?" Jack asked. "No offense, Xander but that’s what I would have done."

Xander shrugged his shoulders in response to Jack comment.

"Well… pretty much the Bad guys and the Neutral like the kid too much and told Good guys it would be open warfare," Whistler explained. "That why it took a couple days to hammer out an agreement. If the kid had stepped one inch back towards Sunnydale…"

"The bad guys like the kid," Ferretti said as he looked Xander over sizing him up as a possible threat.

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "I screwed things up."

"He screws everyone's plans up," Whistler stated.

"And the Bad guys like him for this?" Hammond said, his confusion evident in his voice.

"Sure! You don't want all your hard work go to waste because another bad guy's plan for the Apocalypse worked before it was time for your plan," Xander explained.

"Of course the Powers… the good guys hate him because he screws up their plans too," Whistler commented.

"And yet the world keeps spinning," Xander replied. "And I won't make any comment about some of your bosses' plans."

Whistler snorted. "Which is another reason why the bad guys like him. He kept pissing off the good guys."

"Isn't that a bad thing?" Ferretti asked. "I mean they're the good guys."

Xander snorted. "They're not exactly good guys."

The member of SGC looked at Xander for a moment then at Whistler who shrugged his shoulders.

Jack sighed. "Ok I'll bite, if they're not the good guys what are they?"

Xander opened his mouth to say something but then paused before his mouth snapped shut. He then ran a hand through his hair. "Look the Power… the so called good guys are only interested in one thing and that achieving perfect balance."

"What wrong with balance?" Daniel asked in confusion.

"There is only two ways to get perfect balance," Xander explained. "Either by making it so that nobody had free will or by making sure there was no one left."

"Yeah I would say they're not exactly good guys," Jack said.

"XanderHarris, if these Powers want perfect balance then why did they agree that you should leave your home?" Teal'c asked.

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "If I was to guess I would say they still need there to be life to get their so called balance. They won't care if all intelligent life was extinct as long as there was plants and animals still around. Either that or they want it to be their plan, not someone's else."

A number of the member of SGC turned towards Whistler to see if he would confirm or deny what Xander had said.

"Life still goes on. Someplace a child is playing in a puddle; someone is getting their first kiss," Whistler stated. "Beside there are some good guys who are watching the Powers to make sure they don't achieve their perfect balance."

"Ok, bad guys fighting bad guys I can see but good guys fighting good guys?" Ferretti said in disbelief.

"As the kid pointed out some good guys ain't exactly good," Whistler stated.

Xander collapse back into the bed, his eyes shut. "Ethan."

Whistler nodded his head. "And the zoo keeper."

Xander opened his eyes and stared at Whistler in disbelief. "And how exactly was that to help!"

"Granted the initial… implementation didn't go as planned but look what you got out of it, kid," Whistler said

"Didn't go as planned," Xander said in disbelief. "Didn't go as planned! I nearly raped Buffy! I ate a pig! The others ate Principal Flutie! Yeah I would say that it didn't go as planned!"

"Actual aside from you eating the pig, it pretty much went as planned," Whistler admitted.

"You wanted him to rape some girl?" Carter said in outrage.

Whistler snorted. "Of course not," he replied. "And we knew he wouldn't."

"But he just said he nearly raped her," Carter said as she shot Xander a look of disgust.

"No. Alpha was proving her dominance. As matriarch, it was her right to decide if Buffy could become Pack," Whistler stated.

"And what does that have to do with anything!" Carter demanded.

"I was possessed by a spirit of a hyena," Xander said.

"And don't forget when you were possessed by a soldier. Special Forces, wasn't it?" Whistler said.

"Perhaps you could explain a bit more," General Hammond said in a voice that demanded answers.

Xander sighed. "During my sophomore year, some other students and I were possessed by the spirits of Hyenas. I was the Alpha, the matriarch of the pack and I had absolutely no control over what she did. The following year, I dressed up as a soldier for Halloween and got turned into one by a sorcerer."

"So you were possessed by a female hyena?" Ferretti latched on to that one fact.

"I was the best out of the group," Xander said simply. "I had more of the qualities she wanted in a host than the others."

"XanderHarris, are you still possessed by the hyena or soldier spirits?" Teal'c asked.

Xander grimaced. "Not exactly."

"Is that a not exactly yes or a not exactly no," Jack asked.

"Not exactly yes," Xander said as he shied away.

"And exactly what does that mean, son," Hammond demanded in a grandfatherly tone of voice.

"It's… they… I guess you could say they left echoes, knowledge behind," Xander picked at the blanket covering him. "I can track real well. Probably better than most humans can. I also know how to fight… humans at least. I wasn't very good against vampires and most demons." Xander licked his lips nervously. "I also know who to build bombs and use artillery."

"You're the one who bombed the school?" Hammond said.

Xander nodded his head. "I was also the one who led… I was the one who convinced them to stand and fight. I led them… I led some of them to their death."

"They knew what they were doing, kid. Ya gave them a chance to fight back, to make the bad guys pay for what they’d done," Whistler said. "Ya gave them a chance to be something than the next meal for something."

"It's never easy to have those under you command die," Hammond said before adding in softly, "No matter how long you do this job."

"So… artillery?" Jack said.

"Rocket launcher at the mall," Xander said with a trace of relief in the change of subjects.

"Why?" Ferretti said in a whiny tone of voice that seems to say 'I don't want to know but I have to know.'

"Evil 7 foot tall Smurf that could burn the humanity out of a person," Xander explained. "Of course when he does that the person normally goes up in flames with it."

"Always knew I hated the Smurfs for some reason," Jack grumbled. "He's dead, right?"

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "He's at least in a lot more pieces than he was before they reassembled him the last time."

"Reassembled… No. You know what, I don't want to know," Jack said quickly. "So what else do you know?"

"Umm… first aid, weapon maintenance and I think I know how to fly a helicopter," Xander hastily said the last part.

"All that and oh so much more and his friends treated him as they said fray-adjacent," Whistler commented.

"Fray-adjacent?" Daniel said.

Whistler looked at Xander only to find him looking down at the blankets. With a sigh, Whistler said, "It means out of the way and helpful only when they need him to be," he explained. "The group the kid ran with… well they took out problems…"

"You mean like vigilantes?" Carter said.

Whistler shook his head. "More like a SWAT team," he replied. "Anyway out of the whole team, the kid is the most normal and because of that they think he…"

"They think I'm helpless and need to be wrapped up in bubble wrap and stored away safely," Xander said. "Only to be taken out when needed."

"And they consider you to be normal?" Jack said in disbelief. "With all that… with everything you know and can do, you're normal?

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "For them… yeah!"

"He's also male," Whistler added. "And therefore the weaker sex."

"Hey! Giles is a guy and I don't see you telling him he's a member of the weaker sex," Xander snapped. "And what about Oz and Angel?"

"Giles is a chaos wizard, who's trying to escape his past. Oz is a werewolf. Angle is a vampire and you're normal and therefore in the girls' eyes the weaker sex," Whistler said. "Don't forget they had no problem with Cordelia helping and she's normal. They only had problems with you."

"Well… well they didn't like Cordelia. They probably wanted her dead, that’s why they let her hunt with us," Xander replied with a pout

"Let me get this straight, you fought things out of B-rated horror movies with some female chauvinist…" Jack glanced over at Carter and Dr. Fraiser, "women and a couple men who are trying redeem themselves. You were granted military training and better senses than a normal human from some good guys who are actual good guys. In addition to all of this, one of your female friends used magic on you to force you to return home but if you had done that all life in the universe would end. Am I right so far?"

"Pretty much," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Well there also the 5 times that the kid's action saved the world," Whistler added in

Everyone but Xander and Whistler seem to hold their breath for a moment before slowly exhaling.

"And how many time has the world needed to be saved?" Daniel asked.

"Well there was the Master and then the Judge," Xander said as he started to count things off on his fingers, "then there was Angelus and Acathla…"

"Is Angelus and Acathla, one or two?" Jack asked

"One. Angelus is a vampire who awoke Acathla who is a demon that can suck the whole world into a hell dimensions," Xander explained.

"Ok so we're at 3," Jack said

Xander nodded his head. "Master, Judge, Acathla, Sisterhood of Jhe, Jack and his friends, Graduation…" Xander looked over at Whistler. "Am I missing any?"

"So you saved the world 5 times out of the 6 times it was endangered," Ferretti said.

"No," Xander said with a shake of his head.

"Yeah, kid," Whistler said. "You saved Buffy with CPR so she could fight the Master. You came up with the idea of the rocket launcher and you stole it. You were the one who convinced Buffy to actually fight Angelus. You were the one who dealt with Jack. And you were the one who drew up the graduation battle plans, recruited the other students, built the bomb and led the battle."

"Yeah… but I didn't… I'm the Zeppo. The bait," Xander countered.

"XanderHarris from the way you say Zeppo it seems to imply that it means that the person something else than those they are surrounded by. A zero," Teal'c said. "However Zeppo Marx from which I believe you are referring to is not a zero but a very successful man as a theatrical agent and as a man of industry. He was also an inventor."

"He had invented a wristwatch that would monitor the pulse rate," Fraiser added in. "It gives off an alarm if the person who was wearing it went into cardiac arrest."

"Oh," Xander said very softly.

"What will happen to Mr. Harris now?" Hammond asked.

Whistler shrugged his shoulders. "The kid is a free agent, able to do whatever he pleases, just like everyone else in the world. The kid even lucks out, when the school went up so did all his records. Take some tests and ya can go to college, kid."

"Book learning and Xander, bad," Xander said simply.

Whistler sighed. "Well there is always flipping burgers or stripping. Of course I could always give ya the address of a hunter in South Dakota. He'll be able to train ya up to be a traveling hunter; deals mostly with minor problems, werewolves, wendigo, skin walkers, some demons that specialize in possessions but mostly they deal with ghosts. Of course hunters don't live long. About a decade before they retire or retire in a more permanent fashion," Whistler explained. "Of course ya can always go with the plan that was laid out for ya."

Xander's eyes narrowed as he glared at the balance demon. "What plan is that?" he asked cautiously.

"Ya don't think that ya got here by accidentally, did ya, kid?" Whistler said with an evil grin. "Or that the Colonel there suddenly decided to go to Utah for some fishing instead of his nice cabin in Minnesota. And that no one bats an eye when they find out he want someplace different than he told everyone."

"Mr. Whistler, are you saying that someone or something influenced on of my men to act in a different manner than usual," Hammond growled.

"Pretty much," Whistler admitted. "Now the good Colonel here was influenced into taking some R&R in Utah but no one influenced him in picking up the kid or bringing him back here. The Colonel did all of that on his own."

"So my trip to Utah was planned out," Jack said in a monotone.

"It was you or one of the hunters," Whistler replied. "They were hoping ya be the one to pick the kid up."

"And why exactly did they want that?" Xander asked with a dangerous undertone to his voice.

"Look kid, the good guys, the real good guys gave ya all these skills and talents to go with that white knight mind set of yours. Well they didn't want to see ya go to waste as a bartender or bus boy for the rest of your life. They'll expect you being a shooting star in the hunting community, bright and very dead in only a few years but here… here ya can true fulfill your name's meaning, Alexander."

"The protector of man," Daniel supplied without being asked.

"Do ya think they won't want ya?" Whistler said as he pointed at the member of SGC. "You're smart, talented and courageous. You're already trained to handle a dangerous situation and how to downplay yourself so that you appear harmless. You know how to read and speak how many languages?"

Xander shrug his shoulders. "I can read about 10. Speak about 6 not including English."

"What languages?" Daniel asked a spark on interest in his eyes.

"This is destiny's reward for ya, kid. A chance to pick your own life, your own fate," Whistler said. "Life as a normal person. Life as a hunter. Or life helping them."

And with that Whistler vanished from the room leaving behind a thoughtful Xander and Dr Jackson saying, "What languages? You said you could read 10 languages and speak 6, are the same languages? Can you read ancient Latin or Egyptian? Can you read Sumerian or Linear B?"

"Oh crying out loud, Daniel!"

The End or Is it a New Beginning?

The End

You have reached the end of "Your Friendly Radioactive Alien From Utah". This story is complete.

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