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Copyright Infringement

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Summary: Johnathan and Xander burgled all the Coach's files and equipment on the swim team's transformation to make sure there wouldn't be anything fishy in their future, but what Johnathan does with the project's gear and a couple of blood samples...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Xander-Centered(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR1549,23096522,3584 Aug 103 May 14No

Point of View

AN: I don’t own BtVS.

(Yet another New Fic by dogbertcarroll and the bastard still isn't finishing stuff!)


Jonathan had to force himself not to pick at the bandage on his arm. Getting a complete blood transfusion had been quicker than he’d expected and surprisingly painless. Xander and his friends had saved the day and him again. 'They've saved me a lot lately.' Jonathan thought to himself, remembering a number of times something potentially deadly had gone down only to be stopped by the three.

He sighed wistfully, wishing he could be one of them, he was sure being a hero kicked ass, unfortunately Buffy had filled Jesse's old spot before Jonathan could even think of joining them, meaning she got to be a hero like Xander and Willow. 'She makes it look so easy too.' He thought, wondering how much time and effort Buffy put into the training.

Besides, while Jonathan had always wanted to join Xander's clique Willow had the final say in the matter and he doubted she'd put up with another nerd in her territory, he knew his own geek insecurities enough to know that if he had normal friends he'd do his best to be the only geek the group needed.

'Still, I owe him big this time,' he thought to himself, the memory of Xander pulling Buffy out of a pit of mindless black lagoon extras fresh in his mind. 'Death is one thing, but to lose my mind is another thing altogether.' Jonathan shuddered in horror.

“Relax Jonathan, except for a new appreciation for sushi you'll be fine. The docs said there have been no signs of harmful defects although ‘Signs of Harmful Defects’ sounds like a great name for a rock band,” Xander finished thoughtfully.

Jonathan laughed before getting serious, “Well I've always liked tuna fish sandwiches anyway. Listen, I heard a couple of doctors talking about going through the coach's stuff to figure out how he did all this.”

“I'm guessing from your tone of voice that's not a good thing.”

“If they were looking for a cure in case something goes wrong with us it would be, but they were talking about duplicating his work and how much easier life would be if their supervisor grew gills and vanished.”

Xander frowned. “Seriously?”

Jonathan nodded. “I was half asleep and they thought I was completely out of it, they might have been joking but …”

“We need to take care of it just in case,” Xander finished.

“Yeah, and since we were on the swim team we can walk right in claiming we're cleaning out our lockers if anyone asks. It’s probably just a matter of dumping some chemicals and deleting some files, but the sooner we get it done the better.”

“Good plan,” Xander agreed, “we'd best do that quickly before anyone gets a chance to copy his work.”

“The trick is going to be figuring out what we've got to delete,” Jonathan said. “If we delete everything they'll know something's up, but if we just pick the bits that took a lot of time and money to figure out they won’t look for them until it’s too late to figure out what happened to them.”

“We'll also have to hit his house,” Xander pointed out, “because I doubt he kept everything at school.”

Jonathan groaned. “I know nothing about breaking and entering.”

“Aww come on, it'll be fun,” Xander said in his best Bugsy Malone voice, “we'll toss his office, burgle his house and then knock over a bank, see?”

Jonathan chuckled. “We should hit his office today, but I'm still feeling weak so maybe we can put off his house until tomorrow night?”

Xander nodded. “Yeah, probably a good idea, the last thing we need is to pass out in the middle of committing a felony.”

0oOo0

To Jonathan's surprise almost everything went smoothly, the coach's files were in Russian and Xander had said to give him a minute and had gone and gotten a Russian to English dictionary, which had made choosing what to delete a snap. Jonathan had gotten copies of all the files about the transformation and its effects, just to go over and make sure there were no hidden surprises for them later. The specially created drugs that were responsible for the transformation went into the pit where the coach had died, leaving empty containers wiped of prints.

Even doing that little had left them wiped, which wasn't a big surprise, after all a full blood transfusion was hard on the body, especially when you take into account the sudden absence of whatever cocktail the coach had been doping them with that gave them the energy for the change.

They'd had a good piece of luck when Xander had found the keys to the coach's house along with his wallet. Apparently the track suit the coach habitually wore didn't have pockets so he'd left them in the desk in his office.

They'd meant to hit the coach's house the next day, but they both slept from Friday night until Sunday evening and woke up feeling better than they had any right to. Jonathan had pointed that out worriedly and the two of them had tackled the coach's house with renewed energy while Oz kept lookout.

After an hour of going through endless gigs of Russian data with words not in their translation dictionary, Xander and Jonathan had simply started moving boxes of discs and files out to Oz's van. The switch from a simple B&E into what practically amounted to stripping the house of 90% of its contents barely rated a raised eyebrow from the musician as they ended up making five trips once they discovered all the equipment in the garage.

Jonathan was still wondering how he was going to explain the lab equipment and three man sized fish tanks in the garage to his parents when they finished.

“This is going to take months to decipher and go through,” Jonathan warned. “I'm going to have to learn Russian while I work at it, so figure sometime around after Christmas at worst or around Homecoming at best.”

Xander shrugged. “No hurry, as long as this keeps the local whack jobs from trying to remake classic monster movies with our native Sunnydalers as cast members I'll be happy.”

“So foreigners are ok?” Jonathan joked.

“Depends,” Xander said thoughtfully, “if it’s the French could you really tell? From frog to fishman isn't really a stretch.”

“I'm sensing some hostility here.”

“They invited mimes, the assassin of clowns,” Xander said firmly, “they're evil.”

Jonathan who'd been at Xander's seventh birthday party and remembered the incident that caused his clown phobia nodded wisely. “Agreed, I'll keep the coach's work from mutating anyone but the French.”

The two shared a laugh before Jonathan said, “Seriously I should have some answers before anything can go wrong with us, especially if the doctors were right about us just needing a transfusion. I'll keep you in the loop.”

“Thanks,” Xander said, “but don't kill yourself doing it, that kind of defeats the purpose.”

“Gotcha,” Jonathan agreed, waving to Xander as he left.

0oOo0

Homecoming came and went before Jonathan had any results to report, just as he'd estimated.

“Hey Xander,” Jonathan said cheerfully but a little nervously as he entered the library. “I've got some good news and some more good news, which do you want to hear first?”

Xander grinned. “Tough choice but I'm going to have to go with the good news.”

“The blood transfusion did the trick, we'll be able to stay under water a lot longer than anyone else, but we aren't going to be growing gills, additionally our blood doesn't freeze thanks to a unique protein in it normally found in fish who live underneath the icecaps.”

“A trait that really comes in handy when you live in sunny California,” Xander said mock seriously.

Jonathan chuckled, his nervousness forgotten. “I think we can actually be frozen and revived without much trouble since we have a much lower freezing point than water, but cryogenic suspension aside, the Russian super soldier program makes pulling a Steve Rogers possible.”

“Cruel, cruel irony,” Xander said as the two laughed about the fact they could be frozen and revived, but didn't get the many perks Captain America got. “Well, that’s what we get for using a cheap foreign knockoff.”

Faith who'd been training with Giles looked at them curiously. “You two were part of a Russian super soldier program?”

“It’s Sunnydale,” Buffy replied, “expect the weird.”

“So what’s the more good news?” Xander asked while Cordelia filled Faith in about the swim team incident.

“The more good news is that we are one shot away from completing the program, I even mixed up a batch but I'm not sure if it’s a good idea to go through with it.”

“What's the difference between how we are now and the completed program?” Xander asked intently.

“Reflexes triple, you no longer need to sleep and you no longer feel fear,” Jonathan said excitedly.

Xander had been interested, very interested, but as Jonathan mentioned the last fact Giles spoke up, “Fear keeps us alive, especially around here, fear keeps us from doing things on impulse that shorten our lifespan or embarrass us socially.”

“And from the librarian comes wisdom,” Xander said with a sigh.

Jonathan nodded disappointedly, seeing the sense in it. “I wasn't sure myself, I mean I'd love to have less fear in my life, but I think the lack of sleep would drive me insane. Too bad we couldn't get the reflex boost without the other two but que sera sera.”

“Well now that's out of the way,” Buffy said before approaching Jonathan and leaning into him, making sure he got a good close up view of her cleavage, “how do you feel about chocolate?”

Xander shook his head sadly as Buffy bounced away with every penny Jonathan had on him, leaving him holding a box of chocolate bars and wondering what happened.

Faith found the scene hilarious, and her laughter broke the spell Jonathan had been under as he realized what had happened. “Oh well, beats some jock getting my lunch money. Anyone want a bar?” Jonathan asked, feeling that Buffy vamping at him had been worth it.

0oOo0

“I think you sold me defective chocolate,” Jonathan announced as he entered the library.

Buffy started banging her head on the table.

“My mother thought she was a teenager again and decided to play doctor with me.”

Horrified gasps came from several Scoobs.

“No, I mean something much worse than you're thinking.”

Confusion met this announcement.

“I was thinking you could be called motherfucker without exaggerating if that's any help,” Faith offered.

“That would probably mean more time seeing a shrink, but at least it wouldn't cut short my lifespan the way events actually have. My mother, drugged by Buffy's chocolates, injected me with the final shot,” Jonathan waited until the shocked gasps had died away, “your breasts have killed me.”

“They're very sorry,” she apologized quickly, looking contrite.

“They don't look sorry!” Jonathan declared, sounding a bit upset.

“Look closer,” Buffy said, moving closer to Jonathan and practically rubbing his face in them, “are they forgiven?” she breathed in his ear.

Jonathan nodded dumbly as Buffy said, “Good!” then bounced out the door, leaving the dazed Jonathan standing there.

“Wow,” Xander said, “now if only the final shot removed the hypnotic effect of breasts.”

Faith looked down her shirt. “How come you two never did anything like that?”

“Have you ever tried?” Xander asked.

“Not like B was doing,” Faith admitted before eying Xander thoughtfully as Jonathan was still dazed and Giles was too old.

Faith pulled her shirt until it was so tight her breasts looked like they would pop free at any moment, leaned in close to Xander and whispered smokily, “I'd love to have pizza for lunch.”

Xander whimpered but kept his eyes on Faith's face. “I'd like to help, but my girlfriend has me by the balls.”

“Whipped huh?” Faith replied.

“No, literally,” Xander said with a wince.

Faith's eyes darted to where Cordelia's arm vanished under the table.

“Cordelia!” Willow shrieked.

Cordelia rolled her eyes but withdrew her hand.

“You've changed hand lotion,” Xander said, making Willow turn bright red.

Jonathan snickered.

“Recovered?” Xander asked.

“Yeah, life is good,” he replied.

“I thought you were angsting?” Oz asked.

“That would require a fear of death,” Jonathan pointed out. “I just wanted an apology from Buffy's breasts.”

Faith tightened her shirt another notch. “Would you buy me a pizza?”

“Be right back, have to get a pizza,” he said absently with a smile on his face as he left the library.

“Wow, my breasts rock,” Faith declared with a grin. “C'mon girls, lets hit the bank!”

“Once you turn to the dark side of the breast, forever will it dominate your destiny,” Xander said in a passable Obi Wan Kenobi imitation.

“You do know that the only person who would have laughed at that joke has left to get Faith a pizza, right?” Cordelia asked archly.

“Not true,” Xander retorted, “Oz liked it.”

Everyone looked over at Oz who simply raised an eyebrow before turning back to Xander.

“He's laughing on the inside,” Xander assured them.

Giles muttered something under his breath and locked himself in his office for some tea and sanity.

AN: Typing by Godogma as always. Be sure to thank him, because lord knows I don’t pay him anything to do it!
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