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The Basic Insane Survival Guide

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Insane Survival Guides". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: This is a basic survival guide with rules and adivice that can apply to many universes & doubles as a story. It's along the same lines as 'The Evil Overlord's Handbook'. Feel free to suggest your own rules. This is mainly stargate placed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Soldier XanderGenukaFR155175,25312381246,9867 Aug 106 Jan 13Yes


A/n: A stupid question... or is it?


Just as they were wrapping up their explanation to General Carter something occurred to Xander...

"Um, stupid question but... did Ares just give us all of his Goa'uld holdings and stuff?" Xander asked out of the blue, startling the others, causing Jack and Jon to exchange odd looks.

"Why would he do that?" Daniel asked puzzled.

"Noooo, he couldn't have, could he?" Jack asked softly.

"Did he?" Jon added almost fearfully.

"That's not possible." Sam said in shock.

"Why would he even do that?" Asked a wide eyed Daniel.

"Perhaps this venture is more important that we had thought." Teal'c suggested, as Horuk stood silently at his side, watching. Horuk still wasn't sure about SG-1 despite his assignment to Xander's person.

"But he did assign us all of Ares', I mean the snake's, the snake Ares, not Ares-Ares; Arg! We did get access to all of the holdings and resources that the snake had... didn't we?" Jack asked confusedly.

"So it would seem." Teal'c agreed.

"This is insane!" Jacob's outburst startled SG-1. "You can't be serious about all of this. First you tell me that my daughter is a Goa'uld but not evil then you tell me that earth is somehow missing. Now, you're all acting as if, as if..."

"As if what? We suddenly have a real god on our side and he's given us access to all of the holdings of his mortal evil parasitic counterpart imposter on at least loan? All so that we can try to save earth?" Xander asked.

He considered what he'd just said for a moment as Jacob nodded dumbly. "Yup, that about sums it up. When you're in the world saveage business and you have to deal with the apocalypse of the week you don't worry about which fork in the road is the one leading to a gruesome death by a hoard of Turok Han or by an equally gruesome death by evil tentacle thing with acid for blood. You still have to get past them and slam the artifact into the pillar in hopefully the right pattern and hope like hell you translated the dusty old papers right and that the damn thing works like its supposed to." Xander's eye's flashed cold when he recited this one set of the details for a nearly failed apocalypse aversion in South Africa that he had participated in just before he'd signed up with the SGC. It had taken the Devon coven nearly 3 full days working with Willow to put him back together to the point that he could heal on his own and an additional 6 months for him to recover. They had lost 16 slayers, 3 of which had been at the fall of Sunnydale and nearly lost both Buffy and Faith as well.

"You did not tell us of this." Teal'c noted.

"It wasn't related to Sunnydale. You guys only asked about Sunnydale." Xander told them simply, causing a shiver to run down the spines of everyone there at the implications of such a simple statement.

"Hammond isn't going to like this." Jack observed.

"We have to save earth before Hammond can yell at us." Jon pointed out. "Besides you know when he hears about it we're going to get mandatory leave for at least a month to deal with it. I think Teal'c called it... gun'par last night?"

"Gun.... oh." Selmac had clearly explained what gun'par was to Jacob.

"Xena remembered her descendent as being stuck in mid-air when she left earth. I could see it when she referred to her and her own memory briefly flashed to the image." Sam told them thoughtfully. "I might have gotten the rest of her memories of what's been happening for her even after her death along with everything else. I don't know for certain, I'd have to check and I know that some of her memories aren't exactly pleasant." She told them with a grimace.

Sam's eyes flared gold and Adara spoke to them directly for the first time. "That shouldn't be a problem. I can review them for Samantha with minimal risk." Adara informed them.

The eye glow faded leaving behind an annoyed expression and Sam clearly in control. "I thought we had agreed that I get primary control until this mess is over?"

SG-1 looked at her with eyes wide, except for Teal'c who'd taken on a grim expression. They now had undeniable proof that Sam was carrying a Goa'uld symbiote. Horuk just stood silent sentry to these strange events and watched over Ares' other servants to ensure that they went undisturbed.

Daniel's face took on a wry expression. "Adara, I take it?" He asked, to which Sam gave a short nod.

"She's still a child, despite the fact that her body is mature enough to safely take a host." Sam explained with a sigh. "I think that her mind is closer to that of a human's or at least closer to a blending of human and Goa'uld."

"The genetic memory?" Xander asked warily.

"I don't think she has full access to it, or at least I don't think that she has access to the emotions that come with parts of it." Sam explained. "When I reviewed some of the times we've been captured and tortured she started to feel sick. It was very strange feeling sick over my own memories that normally just bring a sort of memory of phantom pain." She told them speculatively, not really paying attention to what she was saying.

"Oh, Sam." Jacob said softly, grief clear in his voice jerking her back to the present.

"I'm fine dad." She assured him. "Aside from Teal'c and maybe Xander we all get them." Jack, Jon, Daniel, and Xander all nodded their agreement.

"You too?" Jon asked their son, who just looked at him. "Right! When we get back we're having at least a week's worth of team bonding and no, Daniel you can't get out of it to translate some tablet written in Sumerian. You can't get out of it either, Sam; you'll just have to let those gadgets in your lab sit for a bit."

"What he said." Jack told them pointedly as he stuck his thumb out at his younger clone.

"That still doesn't solve the problem that earth is stuck out of time and space." Xander pointed out.

"Now, how the hell are we going to bring the planet back into regular time and space?" Jack mused. "Carter?"

"I have no idea, sir." She admitted. "If I had some way to get a reading of the phase variances involved and some evidence as well as measurements of any temporal variances I might be able to design something but its a long shot."

"Translation?" Jon asked trying to look piteous.

"Lessee... um, I think she said that for it to be out of space it has to be moving faster or slower than everything else and she needs the readings to tell which one. She also needs to know if there's any effect on how time works for people stuck inside compared to us on the outside. By telling her exactly how wonky everything is and how wonky it is compared to normal wonky she might be able to do something." Xander clumsily but accurately translated.

"I think we found ourselves a new gibberish translator, mini-me!" Jack told his clone in glee, his face gaining a maniacal cast which matched Jon's face.

"I think you're right. Someone who can translate techno gibberish and ancient gobbledy-gook, a priceless heirloom!" Jon declared. Xander just looked at two of his fathers in fear, ready to bolt at a moment's notice over their antics.

"Guys... come on. Quit kidding around." Xander told them fearfully just before he saw their muscles coiling ready to grab him. "Yipe!" He bolted, like a bat out of hell with his O'Neil parents chasing right after him, clearly ready to run him down. Xander, however, was trained in the ways of female-ire dodge-fu and would lead them on a merry chase for a good hour or so before Sam got annoyed and asked several of the Jaffa to interrupt the chase and bring her wayward team members to her so that they could keep working...

A/n: Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Suggestions?
If anyone happens to want me to write the chase, vote/review now!
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