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The Basic Insane Survival Guide

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Insane Survival Guides". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: This is a basic survival guide with rules and adivice that can apply to many universes & doubles as a story. It's along the same lines as 'The Evil Overlord's Handbook'. Feel free to suggest your own rules. This is mainly stargate placed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Soldier XanderGenukaFR155175,25312381246,9367 Aug 106 Jan 13Yes

The Chase

A/n: A moment of silence for the death of the Hostess company... Xander I am sorry for your loss. Happy Early Holidays All! Oh and I was only able to write part of the chase scene before Xander got into trouble...

WOW! 179,299 hits at last count and 327 reviews! Amazing! Tracked by 761 Readers and Hidden by only 36! Can I just say THANK YOU?!!? That's not even counting the 11 Rec's!

The Chase

Xander really didn't like the looks that his O'Neil parents were giving him. He really needed to remember that they were almost as crazy as he was when it came to finding ways around threats to his family. He warily watched them and almost the instant he saw their muscles tighten, ready to spring, he followed his well tuned pummel avoidance instincts and bolted. Jack and Jon were hot on his heels and chased him throughout the level, dodging around Jaffa and human slaves left and right, treating them as if they and the surrounding equipment were a living obstical course.

"Out of the way! Scooby coming through!" Xander shouted as he bolted, weaved, ducked and dashed through a number of people that were going about their business. He ducked under a set of arms that belonged to a pair Jaffa that looked like they were carrying something extremely heavy but the box its self wasn't much bigger than a school notebook.

The O'Neil twins noted what they were carrying but were unwilling to let their quarry get away so dodged around them and kept after Xander. Who quickly dodged down a side passage that seemingly had many nooks and crannies for him to hide in. In point of fact he was merely entering a main hallway with recessed guard posts and pillars built into the design that SG-1 had used many times to stay alive in a fire fight.

Xander used one of the pillars to swing around a group of heavily armed Jaffa before bouncing off of one wall and using it as a sort of stepping stone to leap over a group of female slaves, as he shouted. "Outta the way! Hunted Xan-man coming thru!" providing the only barest of warnings for them to duck. This parkour stunt gave him a good 10-15 ft. lead which was increased by the confusion of his passing further slowing down two of his three dads. After another good 15 min of dodging around people and ducking through the main corridors to further increase his lead, Xander slid into a dead-end room with Jack and Jon not long behind. The weird rings embedded in the floor gave him pause but not much of one as he stood in the center of them and frantically looked for another way out of the room.

"Gotcha!" Jack shouted as they entered the room.

"No where to go now." Jon taunted.

Just before they managed to grab him they heard a fizzing hum start up and the rings started to float up from the floor. Xander's hunted look turned into one of shocked panic as he stared at the now very mobile rings surrounding him. Jack and Jon gave each other a quick glance before pouting at Xander. However it didn't take them long to realize that Xander really didn't know what was happening, but by that time the transporter was activated fully and a Jaffa patrol appeared where Xander had been standing not moments before.

"Uh, quick question? Where did you just come from?" Jack asked.

"And can you send us there?" Jon put in, quickly.

"We were kind of chasing our son." Jack admitted sheepishly.

The Jaffa just kind of stared at the two for a moment before deciding that they were involved in a war game of some sort; Rather then the ridiculous notion that the two men standing in front of them were actually the parents of someone who had been stupid enough to stay standing in the ring circle when they heard it power up. Of course the patrol couldn't have known that is exactly the tactic that SG-1 had used on more than one occasion to get out of a tight spot. It was also the very thing that helped keep earth safe on their first trip through the gate and their encounter with not to mention the subsequent destruction of the goa'uld Ra. It would take them the remaining 40 min until Sam/Adara sent out the retrieval team for them to locate and capture Xander who was actually stopped by the sudden realization that he no longer had access to Twinkies...

"Twinkies! There are no more Twinkies!" Xander grieved loudly as he was dragged into the dinning hall from earlier.

"He been like that for long?" Daniel asked in concern as he watched his team mates getting practically dragged back into the dinning hall.

"I think it just finally hit him that if we don't succeed we wont get anything from earth ever again." Jack admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"And he fixated on Twinkies?" Daniel asked dubiously.

"The man loves his Twinkies." Jon agreed.

"Twinkies! I will avenge thee!!!" Xander declared before angrily getting to his feet and demanding. "What do we have to do to get my Twinkies back!?"

Sam and her father exchanged worried glances before she responded to her bereaved team mate. "Uh, I need several pieces of equipment before I can take the readings that I need. The Tolan have a few of the pieces and the Tok'ra have the rest. I have everything else, thanks to Ares." She told him.

"Great. You had to pick people who don't like sharing their toys." Jack complained.

"I'll deal with the Tok'ra end but it will take a few days." Jacob told them soothingly.

"Then we find the bastard that triggered this." Xander told them furiously, tears still in his eyes. "Nobody messes with my Twinkies! Nobody!"

"I am suddenly very scared for whoever was foolish enough to take away this Twinkie item from him." Adara told her other team mates before quickly returning control to an annoyed but also very worried Sam, who nodded in agreement.

"Hey Sam? Maybe we should set him loose on the Jaffa for training while me and Danny go have a talk with the Tolans?" Jack suggested.

"I believe he would benefit from the training." Teal'c agreed. "The Jaffa might learn something as well."

"Here's a list of what I need. I'd go before he notices that your leaving." Sam suggested as she handed over a piece of parchment with her shopping list to each, Jack and Jacob. "If one group doesn't have it then the other should."

"I believe that I will remain behind with Samantha Carter and Alexander." Teal'c decided.

Jacob, Daniel, and Jack slipped out of the room and turned sneaking out of the compound to the gate into a friendly contest. While Sam and Teal'c made certain that an exhausted Xander rested before his opportunity to take out his rage and grief on the living targets known as the Jaffa of Ares...

A/n: Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Suggestions?
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