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The Basic Insane Survival Guide

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Insane Survival Guides". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: This is a basic survival guide with rules and adivice that can apply to many universes & doubles as a story. It's along the same lines as 'The Evil Overlord's Handbook'. Feel free to suggest your own rules. This is mainly stargate placed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Soldier XanderGenukaFR155175,25312381242,1027 Aug 106 Jan 13Yes

Laws of Combat

A/n: Oddshot thanks for the reminder to double check some of the original list variations and use them. For those who want the complete Murphy section list you can find it here: Murphy's Laws of Combat
and the copy+paste URL is here: http://www.sff.net/paradise/combat.html



Laws of Combat


Teal'c watched as Xander sparred with 2 of the younger Jaffa simultaneously while Horuk stood next to him. They both analyzed the styles of combat as well as the practical application that was applied by the combatants. Jon wandered over to watch after having finished his own light sparring match with another Jaffa. Xander never noticed the small note book fall out of his back pocket but Jon did. He quickly snatched it up off of the floor and out of the combat area before it could get damaged by the fighters. After glancing at the combatants to make sure that Xander was still busy he idly flipped it open and looked through it. What he found gave him pause.

"Xander? Why are you carrying around a copy of the evil overlord's guide? Are you trying to get us killed?" Jon demanded.

"Huh?" Xander asked dumbly glancing up at his clone father. His opponents took advantage of his momentary inattention to take him to the mat and pin him down bodily. "Ulf! Alright! Alright! Uncle! Uncle! You win. I yeild!" The two Jaffa grudgingly let him up, but warily remained ready to take him back down.

"You were distracted." Horuk noted.

"Yeah, I kinda got that. As for carrying around the guide... Its something to read and while the bad guy could use parts of it do you really think that they'll put aside their ego long enough to decipher it and put any of the guide into practical use? Besides its a great reference for remembering where to check for the bad guy loop holes and I haven't seen anyone actually able to read english except for our guys. So I figure its pretty safe to carry around." Xander shrugged. "You guys learned some of the laws of Combat section the hard way. So did I for that matter but it doesn't hurt to have a refresher course on hand. Do you think that anyone not from our timeperiod on earth will even understand some of those references? Take the Murphy's Combat Laws list: Law #1 for instance."

"You are not superman." Jon dutifully read out. "Alright point taken. We could always translate some of these into something a little more relevant though. Like saying that you aren't a true god instead of saying you aren't superman."

"Nah. While its true that both superman and true gods are hard to kill they still have weaknesses and are killable. Besides this way no baddy who isn't from earth would know what the hell its talking about. You don't know the pop culture, you don't know what the hell is being said. Its why we scoobies always loved studying while slaying. We'd use our version of scooby speak and no one outside the group, human, vamp, or demon knew what we were talking about and sometimes they'd stop mid-way through an attack to try and figure it out." Xander told him gleefully.

Jon glanced over a few more of the rules. "We use #22 alot. Lessee 48, 35, 34, 13, 25, 6, yeah we use 6 alot, same with #2, and #23 with how often we wind up in some snake's dungeon or something. I think that 29 and 2 sorta balance each other when they're both working at the same time, though... hmm, mind if I hang onto this for a bit?" Jon asked.

"Sure. We should probably make one in a fictional language that we can hand out to everyone going off-world and make them learn to at least read the damn thing. Be a good way to pass info and using a false language would be kinda fun. Especially if we just swiped one that's already made like Klingon, or Vulcan, or Elvish." Xander mused.

"Why change the language when all we really need to do is change the script?" Jon asked blankly.

"Aw, take away all my fun why don't you." Xander pouted. "When Jack gets back show him #17 and #18." He suggested mischievously.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine. Ammo is cheap; your life isn't. Okay where's, ah! It is physically impossible to carry too much ammo." Jon thought about that for a moment. "Yeah, he'll like those."

"Think Sam has any fonts on her computer that we can use for now?" Xander asked completely ignoring his still wary Jaffa sparing partners.

Jon stared at him blankly. "This is Sam we're talking about. Saaaammm. You honestly think that she'd have something so frivolous on there?"

"Ha! You said frivolous! You and Jack can't complain about anyone using big words for a week. You just lost all credibility in that department!" Xander cried out gleefully.

"Yeah? Well you used credibility, you don't have any room to talk!" Jon shot back.

They stared at each other a moment before Xander spoke. "Wanna forget what just happened?"

"Yeah, sooo lunch?" Jon offered to the bewilderment of most of the room.

"Please. I'm starving." Xander agreed and they headed off together to find something to munch on, leaving behind a very confused room as both Teal'c and Horuk trailed after them.



A/n: Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Suggestions?
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