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The Basic Insane Survival Guide

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Insane Survival Guides". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: This is a basic survival guide with rules and adivice that can apply to many universes & doubles as a story. It's along the same lines as 'The Evil Overlord's Handbook'. Feel free to suggest your own rules. This is mainly stargate placed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Soldier XanderGenukaFR155175,25312381246,9867 Aug 106 Jan 13Yes

Beginning the Guide

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1, BtVS, or any other series or known work that happens to make its way into this little collection. Everything else is owned by me and any co-authors who decide to post. *evil smirk* WE'S EVIL!!!!

A/n: Okay this was first posted by me in Snippets of Insanity, or Xander's revenge. As promised here's the rest of Xander's guide and feel free to suggest rules. Please place/introduce them from a stargate point of view and leave them in a review. YOU WILL BE CITED. To start off I'm using the chapter that I posted with the rules in the 'Xander's revenge' story. Please present anything in the same or similar fashion or I will be editing and your rules while present will be presented by Xander in his little handbook.

A/n Edit: As to any pics I post… If you know who owns the original pics please leave a review so that I can give them credit!!!!! I only own the stuff I finish in paint!!!

SG-1, Hammond, and Stargate starry background

Beginning the Guide

A/n: Okay, this is sorta continuing from my handbooks chapter on this. I will be starting this as another story completely, if anyone wants to add rules to the guide. Again I'm telling you who's talking. Have fun!

The Basic Insane Survival Guide

A/n2: This accidentally wound up as script style. So, here’s the corrections to make it proper. My mistake.

They were sitting in a classroom type place and getting lectured on how to fight the aliens they had been told about a week ago. After all they had to have at least some time to process it and freak out about it, right? Xander however wasn’t paying as much attention as he probably should have been. Two eyes and all. He still thanked god that they had been in time to save him from getting his eyes gouged out, even if only just. That crazy preacher had had his hand on one eye and everything ready to take it. His shudder at the memory had the blonde next to him noticing that he wasn’t paying attention.

The Blonde recruit leaned over and got his attention. “... Psst! Hey! We're supposed to be paying attention!”

Xander shot back and recounted. “... Yeah? So? They already told us that we'll be fighting aliens. The big bads are just basic snakes that possess you if they get inside you and pretend to be gods, while the grunts are about as strong as a vampire mainly use staffs with paddles on each end. One paddle end can shoot bolts of power. Most of the snakes are from the Egyptian gods and have no actual power just tech. No powers from anyone just tech and some minor freakyness.”

Another recruit noticed this time Brunette and asked. “So why aren't you paying attention and what are you writing?”

“I've dealt with worse than these wannabes and I'm writing a survival guide for you guys.” Xander shrugged. “You might be surprised as to how useful some of these rules can be. Of course some of them have saved my ass and some of them were actually inspired by sci-fi shows, a lot of them from both.”

Colonel O'Neill noticed them and jumped on Xander’s apparent inattention. “... Harris? What's more important than finding out how to stay alive when you're getting your ass handed to you by the Goa'uld?”

“I was explaining to these two that I've seen stuff like what you’re telling us about before and that I'm writing out basic survival rules for them so that they won’t wind up dead the first time through the gate.” Xander shrugged again, this time in response to O’Neill. “I'm paying attention but this is more a refresher course for me. My little guide is supposed to go with your lecture any way.”

There was dead silence in the room.........

After a moment Daniel asked. “... What have you seen that matches this?”

Xander answered truthfully. “Personally? Lessee.... I've had a teacher that was actually a giant preying mantis, she nearly managed to eat me. I've dealt with Vampires on a regular basis Fledglings for the most part but the occasional Master Vamp. Not fun, the masters. Admittedly none of this was on my own I was usually the bait guy and donut boy, either that or the one kidnapped or the one they wanted to mate with for some strange reason. Usually they were evil. I'm a bit of a demon magnet.” Giving another shrug, then. “I've dealt with a lot more than that, but you get the general idea.”

“You're kidding!” Carter said incredulously.

“Nope. Grew up on top of a Hellmouth. Its a place where the dimensional barriers are weak and demons can get through. This particular Hellmouth linked to several particularly nasty hell dimensions. We had an obituary column in our school news paper. A couple of us decided to help out the chosen mystical warrior known as the Slayer keep the Vamp population in check and make sure that we stopped any Armageddon attempts. Did pretty good to.” Xander responded cheerfully.

O'Neill said after a moment. “... We'll talk more about this later. For now why don't you read off the rules you've come up with so far.”

“Um... Okay.” Xander stood up and starts. “This one we some times had trouble obeying but then again the one of us who had the most trouble obeying it didn't tend to stay dead.
Rule 1: Don't die.

“Sounds like you Danny.” O'Neill snarked.

“Ha ha ha, Jack.” Daniel said sarcastically.

Xander ignores the by play and continues. “Rule 2: If your surroundings or the situation feel off or wrong it most likely is.
On the hellmouth you learned real quick that if you didn't pay attention to small changes and differences than you wound up dead.”

“Makes sense. It's saved us enough times.” Daniel acknowledges.

Xander continues reciting the rules he has so far and explaining “Rule 3: Good luck charms never hurt anyone and can save your life.
Some types of demons are actually allergic to certain religious symbols and good luck charms.”

SG-1 nods in acknowledgment they’d had to use that one a time or two them selves for one reason or another.

Rule 4: Not all gifts are evil but double and triple checking can save lives and a whole lot of grief. Just don't check it in front of the giver, if it isn't evil they'll likely try to kill you for thinking that it is.

All of SG-1 are now avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room. Remembering quite a few times that that particular rule might have saved them if they’d thought of it.

Rule 5: Beware the full moon. This is never a good time of the month be the reason mundane, magical, alien, or supernatural. Just, no.” Xander shakes his head and moves on.
Rule 6: Always have at least 3 knives on you. One in the open. One hidden for them to find. One hidden for you to keep.

Everyone in the room is staring at him openly now wondering just what he had to deal with that prompted that particular rule and the practicality of it.

Rule 7: ANYTHING can be used as a tool or a weapon. You just have to think of it.

At this rule Teal'c nods his approval and acknowledgment of a fellow warrior teaching recruits.

Rule 8: Healers, Medics, and Doctors don't always know what they are doing. Don't trust them blindly. Ask questions. If they dismiss a proven medical fact or problem about you they could get you killed. Always know what you're taking, why you're taking it, what side effects there are, and what NOT to mix it with. If they can't give you a reasonable answer to your question say no and leave. Find someone else because who you're talking to will eventually get you badly hurt, ill, or killed.
The medic/doc/healer rule is more for the ones outside the SGC and off world. They don't know what's normal for you and if any one of them insist that they do then they'll get you killed. Here you have to trust that they know what they're doing and that's why they don't accept incompetence here. Or at least that's what I'm betting. Other wise the planet would likely have already had a major epidemic from some sort of off world illness getting loose to the general population.”

O'Neill interrupted at this point reminding everyone about the importance of the medical exams. “Which is one of the reasons you report anything and I do mean anything that you feel is even remotely wrong. You get it checked and you get it checked on base. The medical exams before and after each mission are mandatory for those very reasons. No matter how much you want to skip or ditch them. If you brought something back and don't get checked you could wipe out the planet. So no matter how scary the docs are you get checked! Clear?”

The recruits responded as one. “Yes sir!”

Teal'c inclined his head toward Xander and told him to keep going. “Please continue, AlexanderHarris.”

“Um... I've only got a few more down just now... right.” Xander said nervously then nodded to himself at their expectant gazes and kept going.
Rule 9: Your real family isn't always connected to you by blood but when they're hurt you'll come to help, just as when you're hurt they'll come to help.
Often times being related by blood is just that. It doesn't mean that you're really a family. We learned that the hard way.
Rule 10: When faced with an evil overlord or evil genius; look for the simple, the stupid, and the completely insane methods for survival and bringing them down. Complex ones they'll catch and destroy, ordinary ones same thing.
A lot of times the really insane methods and ideas are the only ones that will work.
Rule 11: If the bad guy is really intent on killing you, provoking them is actually a good way of staying alive long enough for you to be rescued.
They tend to decide that just killing you is to merciful. Yes, you've been turned into a punching bag but it gives your teammates enough time to pull a grab and run. While painful the method does work.” Xander winced in memory. “I've had to use it often enough.
Rule 12: Always have at least one backup plan, preferably more than one.
Usually the first plan just plain doesn't work. You either wind up going by ear or having to fall back to plan B or C or D or however many it takes. Having as many backup plans as possible and that can in a pinch work together is always a good idea. You'll likely have to use them but you can always hope that the first time will go off without a hitch.”

“Indeed. The battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy.” Teal’c agreed.

Xander fidgeted nervously and admitted. “I've got one last one. It really should have been number two but I didn't really want to have to explain it.” O'Neill gave him a look and Xander sighed reciting the last rule and explaining.
Rule 13: Never make a wish.
There are beings that are just waiting to grant wishes for those they feel are justified or deserving and often it has really bad consequences. We had a run-in with one of them it wound up changing reality and a really powerful master Vamp named The Master was released and turned most of the town into vamps. Our school librarian figured out what happened and got a hold of the being's main power source, which is mystical by the way, and smashed it. Everything snapped back into place as if the wish was never granted. If you ever make a wish and hear 'done' or 'wish granted' or something along those lines you better believe that you just got your wish and hope to god that it wasn't anything that had any significant results or consequences.

A female recruit broke the following silence. “... Shit, Harris! What was your life like? It must have been hell.”

“Nope. Just growing up on the hellmouth.” Xander said wryly.

“Kid, you scare me. You do know that you just got picked for a total debrief of growing up on the hellmouth, right?” Jack admitted.

Xander sighed again. “Great...”

Jack tried to cheer him up. “Look at it this way some of the stuff you dealt with and how you dealt with it might give us a way of dealing with the psycho's that are trying to off us now and you just made your little guide a whole lot more likely to be officially authorized instead of something that you just handed out.”

Xander perked up a bit at this and asked. “Really?”

“Yep! Besides I wanna see how you deal with Doc Fraiser.” Jack said happily.

“Indeed.” Teal’c said with a straight face.

A/n: Just to reiterate... please present anything in the same or similar fashion or I will be editing and your rules while present will be presented by Xander in his little handbook. If you don't want to add something to this yourself but want a rule added leave a review and say so. I'll add it in a later chapter and cite you unless you don't want to be cited.

A/n2: By the way the doc rule is practical for real life. I had to find this one out the hard way. Especially since my biochemistry acts and reacts weirdly and nothing shows up on any test that the docs run. This becomes a problem especially because the docs wont believe me when I tell them. The not mixing while practical and true was partly inspired by cryefourme's Power shifter's story and how Xander tries to be careful when mixing his meds with Willow's potions.
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