So a nun walks into a strip club...
Warning Character Death.
The Sunnydale Police were attempting to figure out who had been robbing the stores and banks around the small town. Every time they had interrogated a witness all they could say was the man was wearing clown makeup, and had crude scars on his face. They had gotten the information about the escaped patient from Sunnydale General, but there was no sign or implication where he could be living. Cops were watching the friends of Mr.Harris and he never showed up.
But one thing was always the same, at every crime scene people seemed to have been assaulted with a barbecue fork. Which was confirmed by witnesses, the clown wielded a his weapon and took joy in attacking any living person with his strange weapon. The cops had come to the conclusion that he had been doing this for years, and had taken it up from someone else. A Serial murderer, it explained everything. Now all they had to do was catch the lunatic.
Xander was having a grand old time, he had almost enough gasoline to blow up the hospital. But now he was scouting a nifty little house that had bricks in it’s windows. It seemed suspicious, and only he had the reserved right to be so. As he gazed into a window he tripped over a gnome. Frowning down at it he picked it up with a maniacal laugh. Gazing around the side of the house he spotted Giles, speaking with a man who looked just as stuff as he supposed all British men were.
But he was interested in what was being said, and felt that spark that was still Xander hiss in anger at the thought of such a test. Though the underground knew him as, ‘The Clown’ he had a more maniacal name he wished he could use. But first he needed to disappear, and that meant he needed more gas and a better knife.
But then Giles was gone, and that stuck up man was in the house. So Xander waited until he could get his chance. Jumping into the car he had stolen he waited for the other man to leave, all the while keeping the gnome at his side. He could always use company.
When the man got into the sleek black car, it was late and the sun was down. Xander drove behind him, headlights off and attempting to fix his hair in the mirror. He wanted to make a great impression, since the first was always the most important.
When the car in front of him stopped he turned into the large ally beside the hotel and got out, grabbing Mr.Cherry-cheeks as he’d happily named the gnome. Pulling his hoodie around himself he walked around the building and into the back door, where he scared some busboy. But then he stopped and tried to remember the man’s name. Giles had said it and then he snapped his fingers as Travers popped into his head in Giles’ British tone. So now he was going to head up to the information desk and ask where he was rooming.
But with a good eye he spotted the elevator stopping at the penthouse and he could only assume that was where Mr.Travers had gone to hit the over-priced hay. Hitting the down button on the elevator he whistled jollily, as he watched the needle on the old fashion floor counter. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the security guard coming towards him with purposeful strides. But the doors opened and he grinned at the man, who began to run but was too late with Xander holding the door close button down with two fingers.
He began to happily whistle ‘We’re off to see the wizard’ as he hit the button with the gold PH on it. When the doors opened Xander was surprised to see that the man had no guards. Apparently the thought of an attack was far from the man’s mind.
So with a grin he knocked on the door with a solid hand, then held Mr.Cherry-cheeks up to the peeking hole. When the door was swung open on it’s chain Xander kicked it with all the force he could muster, and he heard a terrified squeak from the man who had opened the door.
“Oh, well this isn’t where I parked my car.” he giggled and kicked the door closed behind him. Turning he stared at the terrified man who still sat on the floor in horror. “So who are you? Some honcho who comes to boss Giles around? I…wait…” Xander glared down at the gnome for a second. “You know Mr.Cherry-cheeks it’s rude to interrupt, oh yes, thank you for reminding me.” Turning back to the now half standing man he growled and pointed at him. “You’re planning on hurting Buffy, now I’m sorry but Mr.Cherry-cheeks and I think that wouldn’t be very pleasant. On the contrary I believe a wonderful garden tea party would suffice, but you won’t be invited.” Xander stepped towards the quivering man. “Nice gnoming you.” he grinned and swung the plaster
at the man’s head.
“So you want to know why I don’t use guns?” He said as he went into the kitchen and grabbed a potato peeler. “You see unlike guns knives don’t have to be knife shaped,” he held up his tool. “Like this, a potato peeler. Pretty much innocent looking but if applied in the right spots.” Xander sat cross-legged in front of Travers and grabbed his hand in a strong grip. Then he pressed the peeler to the man’s palm and applied pressure while moving it upwards. “ See fun.” Xander stood up. “Now I don’t want to take too much time but well, there isn’t enough room in this town for two homicidal maniacs.”
Hobson was just about to wake Blair up and change shifts when the door bell rang. In his sleep deprived state he walked over the door and swung it open. Seeing what sat on the stairs made him shriek in fear. Quentin Travers’ head sat there, a Happy Birthday hat placed on his head. This woke Blair up with a start, and it seemed as if the trial was to be put on hold.
Xander glared at the cop cars that stood outside the Summers abode. So with a grin he walked off to find that lovely vampire friend of his that he had graced with a matching grin. Then with a happy grin he knocked the man out at left him for the cops. He would just wait it out, especially since the vampire would burst into flames. What would they say then, but he guess that it wouldn’t really matter. As soon as that poor demon burst into flame the bomb in his stomach would too.
With that thought Xander stopped and tapped his chin. It would be useful to visit that secret military base again. He wanted to create something to make the world laugh. He was sure with all of those demons milling around he could find a way to make something fun. He needed the world to laugh, while he laughed. Grinning he headed towards the base whistling some tune that didn’t actually have a name.
The news was ablaze with it, the police station had been blown up. But the clown character had been in there during it. However the Scooby gang was now listening to Giles stutter and polish his glasses.
“Well was it a demon?” Buffy asked sitting at a library table, Faith sitting happily next to her.
“Well the cut was very rough and they seem to think it was done by a regular human. But it seemed that they knew what was happening, from the birthday hat on his, um head.” Giles said not looking at Buffy.
“So this isn’t something we can handle.” Faith said with a shrug.
“No, but the trial has been cancelled, thank god. But whoever may be a strong vampire, trying to cover their tracks.” Giles said placing his glasses back on his face.
Xander was grinning at the amount of weapons that were in the store he had jimmied the lock to. He needed more then a potato peeler, and Mr.Cheery-cheeks had regrettably lost his head. Xander cackled at that. But frozen when he heard glass breaking and hid behind a hunting dummy and watched.
It was Buffy and another girl, they were stealing. Which Xander could say wasn’t very Buffy like, but you never knew. Kleptomaniacs lived everywhere. But soon two cops, two of six left in Sunnydale hand the girls cornered. So walking out he hit them with the large fake fish he had in his hands.
“Hello there.” He smiled and looked at Buffy’s surprised face. “It seems like you were in a pickle, but a fish trumps that.” Throwing the fish over his shoulder he went back to the large display case of knives.
“Xander?” Buffy said stepping towards him.
“Yep.” He turned towards her and grinned, his white make up making him look maniacal.
“Where have you been?” She hugged him and he stood frozen.
“What in cheeses’ name are you touching me for! You’re throwing on my crazy loner vibe.” He scolded, completely serious. Then he looked at Faith who was staring at him. “Who’s the brunette?” He said when Buffy let go of him.
“Oh this is Faith, she’s another Slayer.” Buffy said happy to see her friend again.
“Oh ain’t that a hoot. Actually Buffy I wanted to ask you how you like your present?” Xander rubbed his hands together and stared at her.
“What present?” She said, her brow knitting in confusion.
“And I made it all festive! Did Mr.Cheery-cheeks die for nothing! I could still have my little plaster friend with me, and you don’t even know a gift when you see it. Well you can give me that head back then. It would look lovely in my den, when I get one.” Xander held his hand out expectantly.
“Th…that was you! You killed the Council guy!” She took three quick steps back and stared at Xander in fear.
“Well it was that or, well kill him and do something less funny.” Xander crossed his arms.
“You need to get to the hospital.” Buffy reached towards him.
“Nope, not yet. I need three more barrels.” He shook his head and turned back to the knifes and with a swift his from his hand he picked two knives, one small and one large.
“No you need help.” Buffy said again reaching for him.
“No, I don’t.” Xander turned on her gleeful anger bringing in his eyes. “I needed it when you didn’t have the balls to kill the bastard ex of yours.” He pointed at her with a knife. “But I believe that it was better that way, because I wouldn’t be having as much fun as I’m having now without your little slayer slip up.” Putting the knife in his pocket he grinned.
“You aren’t my Xander.” Buffy said tears in her eyes.
“No, no, no Xander was weak! I’m the Joker.” Grinning he waved over his shoulder as he walked over the broken glass. “Nice to be making your acquittance Faith.” But then his would went black.
Xander woke up in the library with the sound of chanting. Cracking his eyes, he found Willow painted up and pouring wine on his head. But he shot up and glared at the woman.
“Xander, please sit still. I’ll have you cured soon.” Willow said looking at him.
He did as told but fidgeted, while Willow summoned some guy called Dionysus to cure his madness. But soon his mind was swirling with a strange feeling that felt sort of like the Hyena, so he grabbed it and his mind shook with it’s force. Thus the Joker was born.
The Joker smiled up at the red headed woman, Willow he remembered. She had been his friend once, but that emotional connection seemed to have been torn away and he was fine with that. Pulling one of his secret weapons out he handed it to the girl who took it with a smile. Then he stood and walked out, just as Willow fell over. The Twinkie was full of the less potent knock out gas. He couldn’t kill her, but he didn’t need to be stuck there any longer.
Stretching as he walked out of the school and towards the hospital, he didn’t need more gas. He would have liked it, oh yes it would have been so pretty. But he grinned and went to Willies to scrounge up some henchmen.
As the Hospital went up in flame he cackled in delight. Chaos was so very fun, and he was happy to know all of his record were destroyed, including the documents from his now deceased parents.
Buffy sat astonished at home, Xander was completely gone. She knew he wasn’t going to be the same person he was before so she sighed.
When Graduation came they were ready for a fight of their life, and as they planned the library doors swung open.
“Did someone call for a clown?” The Joker laughed. “Heard there was a chance for some blood.” He grinned at the group who stared at him.
“You killed a lot of people Xander.” Giles said stepping to block the girl’s view of the painted man.
“Well, I just planned for the hospital to blow up. Not to have people in there.” The Joker opened his hands wide. “They were slow on the up take.”
“You aren’t welcome here.” Giles growled.
“Fine you tweed, but I’d blow the school up. The mayor could chase the blond bimbo into the school and then” The Joker made an explosion sound. “ bye bye mayor.”
“No weapon forged by man.” Giles snapped.
“The Machine age, twit.” The Joker poked Giles in the chest.
“Oh…oh well thank you.” Giles said in a still tense voice.
“Now I’m gone blow this Popsicle stand.” Then he laughed “Sorry sometimes I kill me.”
Then he was gone wandering off to see if he could find some poor vampire to sexually violate.
When Graduation day came, and the eclipse, came the vampire came. Then to everyone panic a clown came into the mix. He wielded a wooden barbecue fork in one hand, and then a large knife in the other. The graduating class soon understood to stay away from his as he would kill anything that would attack him.
When everything was over and the school was aflame, the Joker was gone. Feeling satisfied, but Buffy found a note taped to her back like a kick me sign. It was a big grin, and she sighed.
“Pretend you never knew an Alexander Harris.” she read aloud and crumpled the paper. Thus Alexander Harris was given a grave stone, and the Scoobies pledged to never speak about the boy who had turned into something they couldn’t fathom.