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It's funny....why aren't you laughing?

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Summary: Xander was never the same after Angelus. But Angelus never thought about the consequences, but it'd be so much fun.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Batman > Xander-CenteredFateFR1824,3201188,86315 Aug 1016 Aug 10Yes

Well did you hear, there's a natural order

DC Comics owns Batman, and all related characters, while J.W. and Mutant Enemy own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all related characters. I own nothing, and am making no profit from this story.
Chapter 1

Angelus hadn’t thought about the consequences, not that he ever truly had before. The only thing he had been concentrating on was hurting that blond, valley girl slayer, but not seeing what he had created. It had been a wonderful idea, break that little mortal boy who hung off of the slayer's words. Torture him, and leave him bleeding and mentally broken on her porch.

But now he stood in the mansion going head to head against the said slayer while Spike, that worthless childer of his ran away with his Dark Princess. He had been betrayed, he supposed it had something to do with Dru being the boy’s sire. But before he could muse anymore he felt his soul slide back into place, and then the sword slide home.

Buffy was going to run, run and hide, but before she had taken two steps out of the mansion Spike had grabbed her arm. He had a somber sad look about his face that caused her some alarm.

“Go back inside, down the hallway and into the last room on the left.” Was all he said before he was in his car and pealing out onto the road. So she did what he said, and stopped frozen at what hung on the wall. Xander, he body broken and a smile carved into his face. Slowly she took him off of the wall, and half carried him outside where Giles lay. Then she called her mother in a panic, the cellphone she had found in a pile of dust now covered in her friends blood.


Joyce Summers had been enjoying a quite night at home when her phone rang, and she snatched it up. “Hello?”

“Mom, Oh my god can you come help me! He’s bleeding so much.” Buffy cried into the phone, voice shrill with panic.

“Honey, what’s going on?” Joyce’s voice had jumped up two levels in worry, hand clenched to her chest.

“Xander, and Mr.Giles their hurt. But mom Xander’s not moving!” Buffy cried again her hands shaking.

“Where are you! I’ll call 911.” She said and jotted down where they were. “I’ll be there soon.” She said hanging up and dialing as fast as she was able. When the operator picked up she stated the emergency attempting to sound even headed, and gave the location. “It was the gangs on P.C.P.” Was the final thing she added.


When Joyce sped down the street hearing sirens not far behind her, she was panicking herself. Heart in her throat Joyce pulled to a screeching halt at the sight of Buffy hunched over a nude form. Barely stopping the car’s engine she ran out and grabbed Buffy who clenched her arms around her mother.

Joyce stared at Xander’s still form in silent horror, but soon it was replaced with maternal rage. Who had done this, and why to such a sweet boy?


A week later, Xander was still in a coma and Buffy hadn’t left his side. It was her fault he had been hurt, if she had been able to kill Angel when she had the chance. Shaking her head she stared down at her comatose friend and sighed. Doctors didn’t think he’d ever wake up, and if he did if he’d been mentally stable. The Glasgow grin was ghastly and marred his once friendly face.

But that day his eyes flickered open, but the doctors found him unmovable, completely catatonic. Buffy blinked back the tears as her mother spoke to the doctors with a mother’s anger. Willow clung to her waist barely standing as Giles stood off to the side polishing his glasses.


Months passed with no sign of life from Xander, Willow had fallen into a depression only leaving get well soon cards around her childhood friend. Buffy was ruthless, unrelenting and bloodthirsty. She tore through the demon population. But then he showed up, all beautiful and full of guilt. Angel had returned from hell.

The moment Buffy caught sight of him she readied herself to attack but then he raised his hands. But she jumped at him anyway, taring into him like a wild beast. But when he didn’t fight back she stepped off.

“I’m back.” He said simply, hoping she’s smile and hug him.

“But Xander isn’t.” She growled and stalked away, looking for something more interesting to kill.

Angel wandered to the hospital and as quiet as a whisper he snuck inside. Then with some quick searching he found Alexander Harris’ room. Now he stood outside the room, his stomach clenching in fear, as his mind went back.


Xander had been walking back from a small comic book store, a yellow bag tucked under his arm. The sun had almost been down and he hadn’t expected to be ambushed from the sewer. But he had put up a fight, and lost.

Angelus had him for less than a day, but he took pleasure in breaking the boy in every way. After the boy was bleeding, and dripping with bodily fluids on the unmentionable sort, he had swung him around on the chains that kept the mortal dangling in mid air.

“Where are your jokes now, boy?” Angelus grinned and spun him again with a cruel laugh. “Why are you taking this so serious?” He stopped the boy and gazed down at the unmarred face. He didn’t want to touch that, the boy was cute, sadly. “Come on, boyo. Why so serious?” Then the boy had spat in his face, and he had grabbed the face with a grin. “You still aren’t smiling, let’s put a smile on that face.” He then cut a crude smile onto the youthful face with giggles of delight.

During the last few hours before the battle the boys screams had filled him with delight and the smile tore, and tore until it was a grin from ear to ear. But at one point in came Drusilla swaying back and forth to her own music.

“Funny clowns, funny clowns, Jump around, jump around. Sometimes making faces, Sometimes running races. Funny clowns, funny clowns. Funny clowns, funny clowns.” She sing-songed. “He will be such a funny clown.” she drew her finger across the boy’s brow. “Funny Clown. “

Angelus had waved it off, ignoring the consequences.


Angel swallowed and turned the door nob, then with apprehension he peered inside the dim room. There laying on the bed eyes unblinking was Xander. A nurse who had taken pity on the boy, or was unnerved by his unblinking stare had turned on the television.

Angel stepped in and closed the door, scared to talk to the boy. Which he knew was silly, from his charts the boy was catatonic. Something clenched his heart as he saw his face, forever grinning. Pulling the plastic chair to the side of the bed he sat soundlessly.

“Hello, Xander.” He started, sounding completely foolish. “I just wanted to say I ‘m sorry, and that if I could go back I’d change everything. I’d leave Sunnydale. I just...” Then he heard it the rustle of sheets and he looked up from where he had been staring at his shoes. Xander was staring at him, but the most demented thing about the whole thing was the grin, not the gashes that were now splitting open, no the boy’s grin as he stared at the vampire.

“Xander?” Angel said and watched as the boy pulled something out form under the sheets and could swear his heart gave a little beat. The rough stake glittered with menace in the dim light, the words carved on the side made him freeze. ‘Why so serious?’ it read and he looked into the boy’s eyes which sparkled with glee.

“Do you want to know how I got these scars?” the youth cackled and then tilted his head to the side. “Oh you know that don’t you?” He seemed to be talking more to himself. Before he struck Angel, not in the heart but in the face three times, then danced slightly around the bloodied vampire. “You know, this was strangely satisfying. I mean, you always were the good guy, saving the girl. But that wasn’t enough.” Xander shook his head making a humming sound, sending droplets of blood everywhere. “No, no you had to be the bad guy too. Overachiever. But you didn’t think about your moves, didn’t give people that surprise, that dash of chaos. You schemed too much.” Xander squatted down and grinned down at the face that looked so terrified. “I hate schemers. Working around plans and trying to control your little world.” But suddenly he stopped and he realized that Angel was starting to look a little too comfortable. This caused the boy to grinned happily even more. “You take this too seriously, little solider pawn thinking he’s a general.” Then he grinned even larger if it was possible. “Why so serious?” he whispered in a husky tone before finally reducing the vampire to dust.

Standing up he rocked back onto the heels of his feet and gazed around, rubbing his hands together. With a spring in his step he grabbed a deck of cards that laid unused on the food tray easily he shimmied a single card out and laughed deep in his gut before dropping it onto the human shaped pile of ash.

Stepping out into the hallway he was happy to see the nurse at the end of the hallway spot him. Her face went pale and she began to trot towards him. But froze when he grinned happily at her. “You wouldn’t happen to have an thread, would you?” he said stepping just outside her personal space. “It seems I have sprung a leak.” But soon she hit the ground in a dead faint. “Oh well,” Xander stooped down and grabbed the set of keys that dangled from her waist. “I’ll just find some myself.”


When news got out that he had disappeared Buffy went first to his room for any clues, and froze. The outline on the floor making her mouth dry and her blood run cold. She knew then that Angel was dead, and Xander had been the one to do it. So quickly she messed the ash up to hide the frightening outline and in doing that, kicked the joker under the bed.

When months passed without any word Buffy believed that Xander had gone into hiding ashamed by his appearance. Willow turned to magic and began to practice without an semblance of control, and the Scoobies fell into shambles.
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