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Dudes and Slayers named M

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This story is No. 4 in the series "Map of the Stars". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Ronnie and Kev find out about things that make you go 'duuude!' in the night. Map of the Stars Universe

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Theme: HumorgracerealizedFR1313,7192132,87918 Aug 1018 Aug 10Yes
So you know how authors sometimes talk about characters taking over and finding a life of their own and sometimes it sounds really silly and pretentious? Too bad, 'cause that's so what happened here. lol A looong ways back I thought up this tiny little scene with two teenage boys, and they kinda caught on. I adore writing them, and my reviewers seem to like them enough that by the end of 'Concentrated Sarcasm' Scrappychic requested that Kev and Ronnie have just this kind of meeting. At first I said I didn't see that happening, but then they got interested and this came out. So, this one's for you Scrappychic, and for all the wonderful people that have reviewed my stories, and for those of you who nominated 'Concentrated Sarcasm' for two CoA awards. : )

I suppose you probably won't be too terribly confused if you read this one without reading 'Concentrated Sarcasm', but things'll make a heck of a lot more sense if you do. For Duchess, this one comes with your very own spew warning. Hopefully it'll make you laugh hard enough to need it.

There's a bit of raunchy language, but hopefully nothing too offensive. I've had a good (tho slightly scary) time getting into the heads of these teenage boys, hopefully I've done them justice. lol

Anything you recognize I do not own! (Like you couldn't have guessed that?)

Thanks for reading and please feel free to review, you have no idea how they make my day!
: ) Gracie

* * *

“ID?” The bouncer asked, eyeing the two young men in front of him. He took a minute to enjoy the pictures he was presented with, comparing the middle age images to the sloppy teens in front of him.

“Your name?”

“Carlos Garcia.”

“Uh huh.”

He looked at the other kid in front of him and raised an inquiring eyebrow.

“Stillwell … Reginald Stillwell.”

The bouncer snickered. “Bond you ain’t, kid.” He looked back down at the licenses in his hand. “What year were you born?”

“1972” The answer came from both boys, but almost immediately one elbowed the other, whispering, “I’m ‘72, you’re ‘74.”

“Right. Um, 1974. I forget sometimes.”

“Uh huh. And that would make you how old?”

“Thirty-eight!” The elbower piped up.

“Well preserved for your age.”

The kid chuckled nervously. “Good genes?”

He turned the other kid. “How bout you, you figure out how old that would make you yet?”

“Um, I’m not that great at math.”

“That right.”

“But I’m great at chemistry!”

His friend elbowed him again, prompting his answer in an undertone. “Right, I mean, I’m thirty-six.” He thought for a second then turned to his buddy in horror. “Wait, thirty-six? I’d be OLD!”

The smarter of the two slapped a hand over his face in disgust as the bouncer tried not to laugh. “Ain’t coming in tonight, kids. Go home before I call the cops and they call your parents.”

There was a sigh. “Yes sir. Sorry. C’mon Ronnie, let’s go.” They left the line for the club and meandered down the street.

“It’s Reginald.”

“It’s dumbass is what it is!”

“Hey Kev, you’re the dumbass!”

“Why’s that?”

“You’re the one who got us those IDs.”

“Moron, they came from your cousin.”

“Well … then … he’s the dumbass.”

“Uh huh. Whatever Ronnie.”

”Whatever Ronnie.” He mimicked in a high voice.

“Real mature, dickhead.”

“Bite me asswipe.”

They shoved at each other lightly, scuffling on the cobblestones, and both ended up laughing.

“So what’re we gonna do now?”

“I dunno, I was totally gonna hook up with some hot babe tonight, but since that dude wouldn’t let us in …”

“Right, ‘cause that’s the only reason.”

“Hey!” Ronnie lightly shoved Kev and they scuffled farther down the street, pushing and shoving.



“Where the hell are we?”


“Good going, Ronnie. Got us turned away from that club and got us lost.”

“Like it’s all my fault?”

“Whatever. Look for a street sign or something.”

“Doesn’t your phone have GPS?”

“I’m not in network.”

“Then what the hell’s it good for?”

“You get pissy when you’re lost. Does little Kev miss his mommy?”


“See? Pissy.”

"Piss off."

“Whate- hey, where the fuck’d you come from, man?” Ronnie blinked at the dark haired man suddenly standing in front of him.

“I was … nearby. I heard you were in need of assistance.”

“Whad he say, Kev? I couldn’t understand him”

“Shh, Ronnie! It isn’t nice to make fun of someone with a speech impediment.” Kevin smiled kindly at the man in front of him. “Thanks, we don’t need any today.”

“Any what Kev?”

“I dunno, it’s just what you say.”

“You do?”

“Shh, he’s looking pissed off.”

“Think he can hear us?”

“Duh, he’s like two feet away.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Ya think?”

“Sometimes.” Ronnie smirked at his friend.

“It’s an improvement.”

“Bite me.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” A new voice spoke from behind them, causing the boys to spin around.

“Where’d he come from Kev?”

“I dunno!”

“The same place we did.” Another new voice spoke from out of the darkness and Kevin and Ronnie suddenly realized it would be a good time to start getting worried. They turned until they were back to back, noticing the new figures emerging from the shadows until they were completely surrounded.

“Dude, that guy totally has fangs!”


“I think he’s a vampire!” Though you could hear the fear in Ronnie’s voice, there was an element of excitement too.

“Yeah right. Vampires don’t exist Ronnie.”

“But look at him!”

“I can’t! I’m too busy looking at these guys!”

“Fine, I’ll watch them, you look at this dude. The fangs are totally legit, man.”

“Okay, you move to your right – the other right dummy – and I’ll move to my right and look at this guy you think has – oh my God.”


“But … but …”

“Uh hunh. What were you saying about vampires not existing? You totally got served.”


He was too busy doing a victory dance to answer, Kevin could feel the movement from where their backs were pressed together and rolled his eyes.



“Don’t you think that maybe you should stop celebrating the fact that vampires are real and realize that it is not a good thing?”

“But this is such cool shit! I can’t wait to tell the dudes at school!”

“First of all, the dudes at school would think you were high unless they saw it themselves, and second of all, we’re not gonna get a chance to tell the dudes at school!”

“Why not?”

“’Cause the vampires you think are so cool are totally gonna kill us!”

One of the men in black cleared his throat. “Now that you’ve finally figured that out, if you wouldn’t mind shutting up I much prefer quiet food if it’s not screaming.” Ronnie gaped at him. “Is that all right with you, dude?”

Ronnie nodded dumbly, then paused and shook his head frantically back and forth.

“No? You don’t want us to have you for a midnight snack?”

“Uh uh.”

“I believe that falls under the category of too damn bad as you young folks like to say.” He grinned, the moonlight reflecting off sharp fangs, then leapt towards Ronnie, the momentum sending him sprawling and Kev stumbling closer to the vampires on the other side of the circle, who immediately closed in on him.

Kevin batted away the fingers that were crawling up his neck, and hunched his shoulders up to his ears, hoping for a smaller target. “Get off, get off, get off!”

“Somebody’s a little ticklish!” It was a female vampire who almost cooed with delight.

He closed his eyes and slapped blindly in front of him, hoping that if he couldn’t see them, it would turn out that they really didn’t exist after all. He could hear Ronnie yelling behind him, and he hoped that was a good sign, at least he was still alive to yell. His hand slapped cold clammy flesh and he shuddered, but bravely slapped it again, suppressing another shudder and hoping to get the thing away from him. Suddenly there was a ‘pfft’ sound and nothing but air under his hand. He cracked one eye open and realized that the female vamp who had been in front of him was gone and ashy dust was floating into a pile on the cobblestones. “Did I do that? Whoa! Go me!”

“Sorry to burst your bubble,” a woman’s voice answered to his left, panting slightly with exertion, “but that was all me.”

Kevin turned to look and swore it was better than any movie. Her red hair seemed to blow from an imaginary fan, the lighting got misty, (although it’s possible he had taken a blow or two to the head somewhere in there he hadn’t noticed,) the black leather she was wearing shone. He gulped, closing his eyes and opening them rapidly to make sure she wasn’t just a wonderful dream come to life. If he was dreaming, he never wanted to wake up. Other than the whole vampires trying to kill him, this was the best dream ever!

As he watched she landed blow after blow to the vampire she was fighting, then thrust a sharply pointed stick into its chest. The vampire disintegrated with a pfft and she blew a strand of hair out of her face as she turned to asses the situation.

They both turned to look where Ronnie was still screaming and had become a wriggling, squirming, slippery eel in his attempts to stay away from the vampire trying to get to him. Even as Kev and the redhead watched, the vampire grabbed him, Ronnie gave a particularly intense shimmy and his pants - which had been hanging artfully off his hips - dropped to the ground.

Kevin tried to muffle a snort of laughter, the seriousness of the threat being completely overshadowed by the surreal scene in front of him. Vampires were real, a hot redhead in leather was saving them, and now he couldn’t stop staring at Ronnie’s Superman boxer shorts. The laughter took on a slightly hysterical edge and he noticed the hot girl shoot him a sympathetic look. The vampire was now looking nonplussed at the pantsed Ronnie as if wondering what he was supposed to do with him now. The redhead tapped him on the shoulder. “Mind if I help?”

The vampire stared at her, looking as shocked as the rest of them for a moment, and the hot girl used the moment to pull Ronnie to his feet and push him behind her where Kev stood. Kev grabbed his friend as he stumbled over to him and shook his head. “Duude.”

“Dude.” Ronnie nodded his head, his eyes wide.


“I know, right?”


“What? Can’t you say anything else?”

“Dude, Superman? Really?” He snickered.

Ronnie rolled his eyes, yanking his pants back into place, this time somewhere a little closer to his actual waist.

The vampire, having lost his squirmy meal, turned his attention to the girl who was interfering, noticing for the first time that his crew was several people lighter. “You getting in my way little girl?”

“Aw gee,” she faked a pout, “I sure hope not mister.” She jabbed with her right fist and his head snapped back, coming forward again just in time to meet her left cross. She dropped the sweet tone. “More like you’re in the way of my finishing my paper for women’s studies before midnight.” She hit him again and adopted the sweet tone again. “And that’s just not nice.” She spun and kicked out, the effort sending him crashing back into the nearby building.

“Whoa Ronnie, did you see the oomph on that spin kick? That was awesome!”

Her eyes lit up as she turned to the boys, “Thank you so much for noticing! I’ve been really working on that lately and Ms. Summers showed me –“

“Look out!”

She ducked at their warning as one of the vamps who had hung back came flying at her from behind then tumbled over her head. Not hesitating she thrust her stake into his heart before he even had a chance to attempt to stand. “ – how to get more power out of it and it’s totally working!” She beamed up at them.

Ronnie and Kevin nodded dumbly, shocked back into silence as she moved in a flurry of hits, kicks and stabs to battle the remaining few vampires. Hit, kick, twist, duck, hit, hit, thrust and another one was dust. The last two came at her together, finally figuring out there was strength in numbers. Hit, hit, punch, shove, kick, thrust, stab, pfft, pfft. Luckily not as much strength as there was in a slayer.

The head vampire had pulled himself up from the wall she’d thrown him into and watched closely as the redhead systematically destroyed what it had taken him so long to build. Watching his last two minions dusting the cobblestones he growled low in his throat. “Anyone would think you fancy yourself a slayer.”

“Aw shucks, you’re not quite as dumb as you look. Go you!”

He scowled. “All these baby slayers are making it a real pain in the ass to get anything done these days. Don’t you people know that we have rights too?”

“I think you should call your union rep about that. It’s above my pay grade, I’m just told vamps bad, dust good.” She shrugged. “Everybody’s gotta have a job.” She tried her newly improved spin kick on him and knocked him back again. “Mine is to kill you and I just happen to really really really really enjoy my job!” She hit him enthusiastically on each ‘really’, blocking all of his attempts to return the attack. “Any other issues I should know about?” She knocked him to the ground and straddled him, her stake fitting comfortably in her hand. “No? Good, I was tired of your whining.” She thrust the stake into his heart and watched in satisfaction as he dusted. Climbing to her feet she stuffed her stake into the waistband of her pants and dusted off her hands before turning back to the slack jawed teens.

“Sorry, that one was a little chatty. I know we’re really not supposed to engage, but even Ms. Summers admits that it’s more fun to mock them and stuff before you dust ‘em.”

Kevin worked his jaw a few times before he was able to make it work. “Uhh, you could understand him?” What? That wasn’t the question he wanted to ask! He shook his head. “I mean, were those really … “

“Vampires? Yep. And you get used to them talking around their teeth like that. It’s annoying but after a while you hardly notice it.”

“Va-va-vampires aren’t supposed to exist!”

“So they tell me.” She shook her head. “I’m really not supposed to confirm, it’s just easier if more people don’t know about this part of the world, but please, I hardly think you’d believe that you were just attacked by a street gang on PCP.”

“Dude, no way.”

“Total way, Superman.” She smirked at him.

“Ronnie, his name is Ronnie. I’m Kevin.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ma-“ she paused as the phone clipped to her waist blared out ‘Hold onto the Night’. “Crap! I totally thought I’d turned that to vibrate!” She unclipped it and answered. “Hello? Hey Mel babe, how’s patrol? Yeah? You did? Eww, I hate the slime on those!”

The boys looked at each other, not even wanting to guess what would make this Amazon squeal in disgust. They continued listening, trying to decipher the strange conversation.

“Yeah, not too bad tonight. A couple singles and a group trying to snack on a couple guys. No. No. Don’t I wish, right? Kay, I’m pretty much done here, just about ready to head home.” She giggled. “Yeah, see ya there! Last one there wears the tweed!” Snapping the phone closed, she reattached it and smiled at the boys.

“Who are you?” Ronnie blurted out.

“Just your friendly neighborhood vampire slayer!” She looked around the scene, checking for any obvious evidence of the fight that had taken place. Scuffing her sneaker through a pile of ash she spread it out and into the cracks of the cobblestone, enjoying grinding the vampire dust a little finer in the process.

“What was that about tweed?”

That’s what you want to know Kev?”

“I’d rather think about what little I do understand about tonight.”

“Good point.”

The slayer in front of them watched their whispered conversation in amusement before explaining. “It’s kinda an inside joke I guess. Means whoever gets home last has to play watcher and supply the cookies. When you patrol you always get a cookie.” She nodded decisively.

“Play watcher?”

“Yeah, and since watchers wear tweed …” She paused, waiting for them to catch up to the joke.

“They do?”

“Well, not really. But I hear they used to …” She paused again. “Maybe you had to be there.”


“Nevermind. Listen, it was great meeting you, but I gotta jet. Be careful going home, would you? Stay to the well lit areas where there are people, k?”

“Uh huh.”

“And try not to mention the whole vampire thing much. It makes life easier if everyone and their second cousin doesn’t know.”

“Uh uh.”

“Well, this was a good talk.” She began to back down the street. “See you around boys!”

“Uh huh.” They waved, belatedly, finally remembering to say goodbye when she was already long gone.



They stared at the end of the street where she’d disappeared for a while longer, wondering if wishing would make her come back, or if she’d really been real at all.

All of a sudden Ronnie slapped a hand to his forehead.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I totally forgot to get her number! Now how am I gonna hook up with that fox?”


“She was totally into me.”

“Oh. Yeah. Totally into you. I don’t know how I missed that.”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

“Well I’m sure she’ll find a way to contact you, a love like that can’t be denied.”

“You think so?”

“No, you moron! You really think a babe like that would be into you?”

“Hey, it could happen.”

“Yeah, what bizarro world are you living in?”

“The one where vampires are real and a hot redhead kicks their ass?”

Kevin thought about that for a moment. “You have a point.”

Ronnie smirked. “See?”

“Alright then, since you’re so smart, where the hell are we?”

Ronnie looked up and down the street. “Beats the crap outta me.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“Hey, just cuz she liked me better, don’t take it out on me!”

“She so didn’t.” Picking a direction, Kev started wandering, hoping to see a street sign somewhere.

“Fo shizzle!”

“Ronnie, we’ve talked about this.”

“Don’t hate the playa!”

“Oh for God’s sake. You can talk normally, I know you can, I’ve heard it.”

“Whatever dude.”

“Whatever yourself, dude. If we’re not home by midnight my mom’s gonna have a fit.”

“Mama’s boy.”

“Hey, you’ve seen my mom. She works out, she’ll kick my ass!”

“Dude, she’s such a MILF.”

Kevin snorted, too amused to be pissed. “Like if you tried anything she wouldn’t kick your balls so hard you could taste ‘em.”

“If I could taste ‘em I wouldn’t need the hot redhead to call me!”

“Ew. Okay, go back to the slang shit. At least it’s not as disgusting.”

“S’what I’m saying.”

“It wasn’t, actually, but whatever dude.”

”Whatever dude!” Ronnie squeaked out in a high pitched voice.

“Bite me.”



“Let’s not say that anymore.”

Kev turned the corner and they were suddenly back on a main drag with plenty of people and landmarks around them. They stopped walking and looked at each other. “Dude. Did that just happen? Did we just get attacked by friggin vampires?”

“You’re forgetting the redhead.”

“No, the redhead was great. Just … dude. Those were vampires!”




Vampires – wait. What the hell am I saying? It’s a helluva lot more fun to think about the redhead.”

“Yeah. Mary.”

“She didn’t say that was her name.”

“Well no, but it starts with a ‘Ma’ sound.”

“Maybe it was Maya. That’s a kick-ass name.”

“Nah, totally Mary.”



“Maybe we should just call her ‘Ma’.”

“Now that would be a Mother I’d like to-“

“You know what? Why don’t we just call her ‘M’? It’ll be all James Bond.”

“Oh yeah. That hot old broad. She’s totally a GILF.”

“Ew! GILF?”

“Yeah, Gramma I’d like to-“

“Jesus! Please do not finish that thought. You’re sick, dude.”

“Don’t be such an ageist.”

“Yeah. Sure. That’s definitely my problem Ronnie. I’m going to ignore that and still call her ‘M’. It’s cool.”

“She is ‘Mmm, Mmm, great!’”

“Why do I hang out with you again?”

“Cuz we’ve been friends since we were three and you’re stuck with me?”

“Jesus. Lucky me.”

Ronnie threw an arm around his shoulders. “That’s what I’ve been sayin!”

Kev shook his head, laughing helplessly. “Let’s go home dude. This night has been too weird, I just need it to be over.”

“I guess I should get some work done on that project for Mr. Cooper too.”

“You ever ask him about that hot blonde?”

“He pretended to be confused when I tried. I mean I know he said not to mention it but dang!”

“There are some hot chicks around these days.”

“Too bad none of them are with us.”


“Hey, before we go home you wanna swing by Sizzle and see if we can get in there again? Maybe Mr. Cooper’s girlfriend has hot friends.”

“Dude! My man! That’s bitchin!”

Kev looked at his friend and was unable to hold back the grin. Ronnie was an asshole, but he was also his best friend. “Yeah yeah, fo shizzle dude, fo shizzle.”

Ronnie held out his fist for a bump. “Duuude.”

Kev bumped back and they both made the sound of an explosion as their hands came away. “Duuude.”

Grinning at each other they set off down the street.

“Dude, where’s your car?”

Sigh. “We rode the bus, Ronnie.”

“Oh yeah. I totally knew that.”



“Bite me.”

The End

You have reached the end of "Dudes and Slayers named M". This story is complete.

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