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It’s A Sphynx Cat, Not A Lab Experiment, Xander

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Summary: After reading Sithicus’ delightful ficlet collection “5 Parents Xander Never Had”, I just had to write this story, since that author somehow passed up on using that specific villain and his pet cat.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Austin Powers(Recent Donor)ManchesterFR71848051,76522 Aug 1022 Aug 10Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Austin Powers characters are the property of their original owners.



For Scott Evil, things were looking up.

It had been bad enough that a while back he’d learned that British guy with the really horrible teeth and the baffling conviction of being every woman’s dream, one Austin Powers, the so-called International Man of Mystery, was actually his uncle. Which meant Scott had to suffer through some truly surreal family dinners as the older generation caught up with each other over what they’d missed in their separated lives. Regarding that, a very nasty comment from the young man at the dining table concerning the brothers’ persistent bad aim with various weaponry at their sibling’s vital organs over the years had lead to disapproving looks, shared criticism about his taste in music, and even suggestions that military school would be the best thing in the world for him.

But what had been almost the last straw was the results of Dr. Evil’s investigation about his own offspring, once that villain had discovered his new brother and started wondering if there were other members of his family out there in the world. Scott had always known he’d been artificially conceived in a laboratory, which wasn’t exactly something that impressed the chicks, and it had turned out that there’d been a slight mishap back then with, as his father described it, “the icky stuff.” A subsequent torturous conversation between Scott and Dr. Evil now occurred, where it had been sheepishly admitted by the bald man that a good part of the genetic material used to create Scott had inexplicably disappeared during the process, either lost or stolen by someone, but since the procedure had been a success, the scientist hadn‘t really cared all that much over the years about this. Afterwards, in a desperate attempt to forget just how his dad had described the whole thing, it had wound up with the evil mastermind’s son going out later that night to get as drunk as possible.

The next morning, having Dr. Evil abruptly burst into Scott’s bedroom while ecstatically declaring his computer search had found that man’s paternal DNA in the medical records of a teenage boy living in a small California city didn’t do a thing for Scott’s hangover. Still, things had worked out for the best, strangely enough.

One kidnapping later, as part of Alexander Harris’ introduction to his new family, a thrilled Scott Evil eyed his younger half-brother sitting next to him, with that other male not paying all that much attention to being scrutinized by his newfound relative. That high-school student was instead sniggering to himself in his chair at the main conference table, as he truly enjoyed how Mr. Bigglesworth, Dr. Evil’s hairless cat that was now currently dressed up in a colorful, cut-down Hawaiian shirt, was joyfully chasing a terrified Mini-Me around the room, followed by the older man himself at a dead run trying to grab his pet and his clone without being savaged by either during the process.

Scott was having the time of his own life, as he gleefully watched his father lose his balance on the slippery conference floor, fall to the ground, and slide with an almighty crash into a wastepaper basket in the far corner. As the older man rolled over onto his back, groaning with pain, this turned into an actual shriek of agony as a frantic one-eighth version of himself trying to escape the pursuing cat jumped onto his creator’s body, making a perfect landing with both feet in the other man’s crotch, and then bouncing off in a flying leap onto the floor, with this painful action then mirrored by Mr. Bigglesworth delighting in being warm for once in his new clothes, as that cat now chased Mini-Me out of the conference room, yowling in its determination to finally pounce onto and shred into yummy scraps that little monkey.

“Xander,” fondly said a guffawing Scott, as his new brother’s grinning face turned to look at the red-haired male, “I gotta say, I wasn’t sure about you at first, but what you did, putting that shirt on my dad’s cat, you’ve just proved yourself to be a true member of the Evil family.”

For some odd reason, those last words seemed to sober up Xander, as that guy sitting by Scott now had his cheerful features change to a more thoughtful expression, followed by a cautious statement. “Uh, Scott, about that…. Look, I’m really glad about not actually being a Harris once and for all. But, from what I got told regarding my real father,” Xander dryly nodded his head at the moaning bald man lying in the corner and curled up in his private world of agony, as the Sunnydale native continued, “Is everyone absolutely sure that you and I are his only kids?”

Scott had to blink at this bizarre question, as he then bewilderedly asked, “Why do you want to know that?”

“Well, there’s this one guy back in my hometown, his name’s Daniel Osbourne, but everyone calls him Oz, and I have to tell you, dude--”

The End

You have reached the end of "It’s A Sphynx Cat, Not A Lab Experiment, Xander". This story is complete.

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