Introduction To The Madness
I don’t own anything you recognise, I probably do own everything you don’t recognise and I’m not making any money from writing this story.
‘Buffy: the Vampire Slayer’ is owned by Twentieth Century Fox and others, ‘Fast & Furious’ is owned by Universal Studios and others while ‘xXx’ is owned by Revolution Studios and others.
And those others that I’m talking about? I’m not them either.Crossover:
It’s a multiple crossover between B:tVs, xXx, F&F and SPN. I mention Harry Potter, Xena: Warrior Princess and Charmed as well.Pairing:
I’m going to have to keep you guessing this time, because if I told you already, it will spoil the surprise.Rating:
FR13, because minor adult themes are going to be mentioned. Swearing is also going to be found in this story.Spoilers:
For everything. There will be spoilers for SPN, B:tVS, xXx and F&F; so, keep that in mind when you start reading.Summary:
It’s a blind date show for all fandom characters. Yes, you have read it correctly: a blind date show. Slash. Threesome. Crack!fic.Challenge:
This is for challenge 264: Winner takes it all. This challenge was made by Jinni.
“talking”emphasisStory: Crossing Your PathChapter One: Introduction To The Madness
“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, for another episode of Crossing Your Path
; the blind date show for all fandom characters. As always, I would like to thank my mother, Ellen Harvelle, for letting us use Harvelle’s Roadhouse for this show,” Jo Harvelle announced in her best host-like voice while looking into camera one. “The two possible blind dates were handpicked by friends of the contestant again.” She turned to look into camera two and grinned widely. “Tonight we have Xander Harris on the show. Xander Harris is a regular character on the immensely popular Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
series. Let’s give him a big round of applause, everyone!”
She turned to look at the door Xander walked through and smiled in his direction while the audience went wild at the sight of the young man who was sauntering towards the stage.
‘Correction: the very good-looking young man,’ Jo thought, giving Xander a quick onceover while she waited until he reached the stage.
After greeting each other, Xander and Jo went to sit down on the couch which was standing in the middle of the stage.
“Tell us, Mr. Harris, how did you get involved in this particular blind date show? No offence or anything, but you don’t exactly look like you need help in the dating department,” Jo told Xander, turning to look at him.
“First of all, call me Xander, please. Mister Harris makes me sound so old, not to mention that it reminds me of my dad. Secondly, I didn’t get involved in this willingly. My wonderful—note the sarcasm when I say this—friends and family pushed me into doing this. It’s especially the fault of my girls—or so I’ve heard,” he answered.
Jo looked at him strangely. “Your girls
? Why are you on this show if you have girls? And really, you have more than one girl?”
“Oh, no. Jesus, no, it’s not like that. My girls are family, my chosen
family; they are the annoying older and younger sisters I never really wanted, but got stuck with somehow, anyway. Honestly, you don’t sleep with your family. Incest is not
best—even though I’m not technically related to them.” He looked at his rapt audience. “No offence or anything, Dean and Sam. And Fred and George. And Charlie and Bill. And Joxer, Jett and Jace. And Wyatt and Chris—”
Everybody laughed at the predicament that Xander suddenly found himself in when all the siblings who Xander had just been summing up glared at the unfortunate blind date contestant in question.
Xander winced when he figured out that he had been steadily digging a deeper hole in the last five minutes. “Let’s just keep things simple: I
would never sleep with family. Although, I did sleep with Faith—but that was before I saw her as a sister. And, yes, I did kiss Cordelia and Willow—but that can be seen as temporary insanity. Aw, hell.” He blushed and then got an mortified look on his face when he noticed all the eyes that were watching him closely. “Look, I don’t have a problem with people who sleep with some of their closest family members, but I would never do it myself. And I’m going to stop talking now before this hole gets any deeper.”
Jo grinned at the babbled explanation. “That was an absolutely fascinating piece of information, Xander, but what was your actual answer to my question?”
“Oh, right. Well, like I said: my girls pushed me into this. They went behind my back and set this all up. Hell, I didn’t even know where I was going tonight; they actually brought me here under a false pretence. I thought I was going out to this club where we usually go to on Monday nights.” He glared at the girls who were all trying to look as innocent as possible. “But don’t you think that I will ever forget this. I’ll get you for this. You will wish that you could travel back in time by the time I’m done with my revenge on you!”
“You believe in time travel?” Jo asked Xander, studying him closely.
“With all the things that I’ve already seen in my short life? Hell yeah!” Xander said, grinning widely. “Besides, geeks usually do believe in time travel.”
Jo grinned back. “Does this mean that you think of yourself as a geek?”
“No, I don’t think
that I’m a geek; I know
that I’m one. That’s okay, though. I don’t have a problem with it,” Xander assured her. “That being said: I may be a geek, but I’m one with a body most people would kill or would die for to have these days.”
Jo gave Xander another onceover; this one slower—and more noticeable—than the first one. “I must say that I totally agree with that comment. How did you get so fit, Xander?”
Xander beamed at that wonderful comment and preened a bit; showing off his physique perfectly for his audience. “It’s a combination of fighting demons and other assorted nasties and keeping up with my construction slash carpentry work. I watch what I eat too, of course. No going to the gym needed.”
“Now, before we begin today’s episode . . . How about we ask Xander’s friends and family why they wanted him to be on this show,” Jo said, once again looking into camera one before it moved in the direction of the audience.
A employee of the show walked to Cordelia and gave her a microphone.
“Why did you do so, Cordelia?”
“To be honest, Jo, we only wanted Xander to finally find someone who wouldn’t try to kill him,” was the quick answer.
“We just wanted him to finally be happy,” Buffy added to Cordelia’s statement after she had taken the microphone from her.
“May I ask why you picked these particular blind dates?” Jo asked, looking at them curiously.
“We thought that Xander deserved to have someone hot who was totally into him,” Dawn answered, “and there is no doubt that these two men are smoking
A collective sigh travelled through the ranks of the girls and even Giles had a special glint in his eyes at the thought of whom they had picked out for Xander.
“Xander also deserves to find someone who isn’t afraid of what goes bump in the night,” Willow added. “That is a real deal breaker for us, because of the kind of work that we do. We asked both of them what they thought about all that and they seemed to accept it. Besides, they weren’t afraid of picking up a weapon and attacking when it should be needed which is the kind of thinking that we can only reinforce. Because unfortunately, it’s needed in our line of work.”
“Both are also very protective which is a good thing when it comes to dating Xander,” Faith continued, “because he gets kidnapped all the freaking time if you don’t watch him 24/7. He attracts trouble like you wouldn’t believe, Jo.”
“And last but not least,” Giles said, “they are both very jealous and possessive men; in this case that is also a good thing. You see, Xander has this habit of attracting the wrong kind of attention from demons. Whenever someone walks up to him, we can be 99% sure that that person isn’t a person at all, but some sort of demon who wants Xander to be his or her mate, who wants to feed from him, who wants to have sex with him before killing him, etc. Keeping an eye on Xander 24/7 is a very tiring, fulltime job which we hope can be shared with whoever the person is who he picks at the end of this show.”
“Could you tell the rest of the audience what place you have in Xander’s life? What kind of relationship do you have with him?” Jo asked Giles. She looked him over and smiled. “I’m certain that you aren’t one of Xander’s girls. Or are you hiding something, Mr. Giles?”
Giles sighed and shook his head at the sassy girl while inwardly smiling at the straightforward questions she asked. ‘She’s just like Cordelia and Faith. She would fit in well amongst us, that’s for sure.’ He smiled at Jo. “I’m almost afraid to say this, Jo, but I’m Xander’s father figure.”
“Thanks, Giles!” Xander yelled from his spot on the stage.
He grinned widely at his girls who in turn grinned back equally widely before they all turned to look at a slowly reddening Giles.
Jo grinned at the way the group acted around each other.
“I also wanted to know why you picked two men to be Xander’s blind dates instead of going with two female blind dates? Because, I have to admit, your two choices have made me very curious.”
“That would be because Xander has tried relationships with women and they never worked out for him. So, we decided on trying to set him up with a men,” Cordelia answered. “And what better way of ensuring that he picks a guy then by picking out two guys ourselves.”
“Not only that, he also once asked me to gay him up,” Willow added, “which is what we decided on doing; whether he liked it or not.”
All the girls grinned their most shark-like at the embarrassed-looking Xander and even Giles could be seen with the hint of a smile on his face.
And it was at that exact moment that Xander began to seriously wonder what his girls—and apparently also Giles—had done.
‘Because this sure does sound scary. Which two men did they find who won’t mind my job and who are both hot, protective, possessive and jealous?! Please, please, please, don’t let it be any guy from my fandom.’End Chapter One.A/N:
There is absolutely nothing I can say in my defence. I loved writing the first chapter of this piece of absolute madness, though, and I hope you all had a good laugh with it too. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it started getting longer and longer which is why I decided to cut it up and make it a chaptered story. You may expect more chapters soon.
If you enjoyed reading this, let me know, please. I enjoy writing crack!fics, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing from others that they liked it too. Flames are not to be given to me on pain of something horrible. Because, you know, I get a lot of ideas from the films I like watching. Constructive criticism which is given in a non-irritating way is also very welcome.
For those of you who are also following my three series Love Is
: as I have an absolutely massive amount of college work to do, I won’t be posting any new chapters and stories for them. That doesn’t mean that I’ve run out of ideas; it means that I simply don’t have the time to go over the written chapters the way I usually do before posting them. And I refuse to post anything without doing so.
I know that I have been a less than regular updates these last few months, but as always, the summer holidays are really crazy time of year for me. I do hope you understand, because it can’t be helped, I’m afraid.