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7 Natural Wonders of Puck's World

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Glee Set Lists". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: Women are his raison d’être.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > GleetootsFR1512,474051,9366 Sep 106 Sep 10Yes
Disclaimer: I don’t own Glee. That’s Ryan Murphy.
Author’s Notes: I chose to bust up Glee Set Lists, as a story, and instead create a Series page for it. This will allow me to more easily add to certain stories without, hopefully, creating a lot of confusion.


1.)Is she or isn’t she?

Sue Sylvester was a terrifying woman. She made Puck’s balls try to crawl up into his body. Plus, he was pretty sure she was a lesbian. She was a glorified gym teacher.

At least, he’d been pretty sure until Parent Teacher Night and his first and last performance with Acafellas.

He’d been talking up a cougar with the best legs when “Puckerman!” split the air and his balls instinctively headed north.

He gave the woman in front of him a slow smile and twisted, almost ramming into Coach Sylvester, she was standing that close.

“Yes, ma’am?” he asked, fighting back the urge to cover his ‘nads, just as a precautionary measure.

She gave him a funny little smirk and slipped him a piece of paper. “I have a pool that needs to be cleaned. 6 o’clock sharp.”

Puck swallowed back bile and managed a smile. “Of course, Ma’am.”

She gave him a leer, then turned and stomped away, shoving through parents and teachers alike with a disdainful sneer.

When he joined Glee a couple of weeks later, the best side effect was the least expected.

“Puckerman!” Sylvester shouted. He fought a wince and turned to find her right behind him. “Your…services are no longer needed.”

He sighed as she stomped off. Yeah, he’d lost a customer but at least his balls would finally come back out of hibernation and he could stop wearing a protective cup so that any attempts on her part to cop a feel were thoroughly thwarted.



2.)Would she stutter when he went down on her?

So Stutters didn’t actually stutter. It was scandalous, as he’d heard Berry murmur, aghast. Puck looked Tina up and down and kind of smirked.

He wasn’t sure because, hey, who could tell with all the freaking layers she wore? But he thought that under all the black clothes and weirdness, there was a banging little body and she’d probably be a freak between the sheets, too. Weird women usually were.

Puck knew he’d find out one day. He was gonna lay every girl in Glee before he graduated. He had a reputation as both a badass and a stud to protect. He already had a head start because Quinn and Santana had already experienced the Puckerman delight. And Brittany, well, all the cheerleaders might have been in the celibacy club but Puck had taken over half of them for a ride, so…

But out of the original three Glee girls, Tina terrified him the least and sometimes fascinated him the most. He wanted to play his hands over smooth, soft, lightly tanned skin and watch her stutter for real.

So if his fingers slid up her shirt a little during a lift, if his hand or arm or chest grazed her boobs during a spin, if he punched Karofsky in the face for dumping a slushee over her, he was just laying the groundwork for the most epic de-virgining of William McKinley High history.

It had nothing to do with how pretty she looked when she blushed or that tentative smile she gave people when they finally a.) got her to look them in the face and b.) made her happy. Nothing at all.



3.)Why is Glee the Best part of her day?

Puck had dated Santana so he knew that her mother was a crazy bitch with a taste for her daughter’s boyfriends. (What? He’d had to pick up the cougar habit somewhere and it’d been the best revenge sex ever.) Her father was also crazy in that gun-toting, former Marine way but Puck just figured that that was because his daughter was a little hottie and the guy knew it.

But even before her admitting it at Sectionals that Glee was the best part of her day, he’d kind of guessed that she enjoyed it.

She smiled more. She willingly hung out with losers instead of rushing away to party with the other popular kids. And, after that first attempt, she didn’t really try that hard at sabotage. And they might have broken up over something stupid but Puck still knew her and he’d known that she really loved being part of Glee.

Sitting behind him one day while the others were at the front of the room acting like complete nerds, she said on a quiet laughing breath, “God, they’re such freaks.”

Whatever he would have said was cut off by Kurt charging up the risers and pulling her, laughing merrily behind him, into some kind of bizarre waltz or tango or some shit. And she laughed and smiled and for once, it didn’t look like flirting or work. It was all about the fun.



4.)Why had she gone all Diva on him when he told her the truth about the baby?

Mercedes could Diva-up almost as fast as Rachel, although everybody liked to pretend that was solely Rachel’s shtick. Puck figured that that was mostly because Mercedes was a just a little less driven, a little more personable.

But it’d bugged him when she flew all over his ass when he told her the truth about the baby. It’d seemed really personal to her.

And the idea that she’d moved to Lima last year in the middle of the semester started kicking around in his head and that was really the only reason he was sitting in her driveway, thinking about ringing the doorbell.

“Pussy,” he hissed at himself and that was all it took to force him out of his truck and up her driveway. Noah Puckerman wasn’t a coward.

He knocked and waited a second. He was about to bounce when the door was flung open and there was Mercedes, whose eyes opened in alarm. And who had a little boy on her hip.

“Should always be the girl’s decision, huh?” he said quietly.

Then her eyes rolled and the hip supporting the kid cocked. “He’s not mine. My cousin…” She stopped, seeming to realize they were having this conversation on her doorstep and stepped back. “Come in.” She led him into her living room and set the baby in a walker. As she watched the little boy haltingly scoot across the floor, she said, “My cousin had a boyfriend and one night when she said ‘No’, he didn’t stop. And she got pregnant. And she chose to have the baby but she couldn’t keep him. So my parents took him.”

And Puck said the first thing that popped into his brain. “I didn’t force Quinn. I didn’t even start out thinking about having sex with her. I just offered her a wine cooler.”

Mercedes nodded. “I know. You’re not a bad guy, even if you are a horndog and sometimes a douche. It’s just…Quinn’s the one that has to carry the burden. She should get to decide what’s best for her. And her baby.”

Puck swallowed. He didn’t know what to say to that. Of course, Mercedes didn’t either, because she started to hum something.

“I’ll be right back,” he muttered and she looked at him, surprised. Apparently, they’d cleared the air and he was supposed to go back to pretending she didn’t exist outside of Glee practice. Puck sort of wondered why he wasn’t.

But he snagged his guitar from his truck and hurried back in. “Let’s work on your solo for Regionals.”

She blinked at him, then broke out into a blinding grin. And he stayed and they made music together because he wasn’t a coward and he didn’t want to be a Lima loser forever and Mercedes didn’t think he was a bad guy.



5.)Would anyone ever see past the stupid?

Puck was pretty sure Brittany’s brain was actually made up of cotton candy. Soft and sweet and full of air, plus it melted in the rain. It was well known that she was the epitome of every dumb blond joke.

So, yeah, she was stupid. But the girl could move. All the Cheerios worked at being the perfect cheerleader. But he’d watched her and it just seemed like she was a natural. Her ability to move was what made her the second in command, now that Quinn had been booted and Santana was in charge.

Brit was a mediocre singer but she was unparalleled at dancing, even if Matt and Mike pulled off flashier moves.

So he was unsurprised when Mr. Schuester started trying to get her to fill out college applications to schools that had dance programs. And he wasn’t surprised when part of their choreography got turned over to her, either. But he was a little shocked that she was as organized and professional as she was and that the other kids took her seriously. (She lost a wheelchair, for God’s sake, thought a ballad was a male duck, and seriously thought the square root of 4 was a rainbow. Jeez.)

So when he tugged on her ponytail after a particularly grueling practice and said, “You were great today,” he thought she’d smile pretty and go on.

But she looked at him seriously, eyes clear, and said, “We’re all going to get out of this town.” She patted his arm. “You’ll see.”

Puck swallowed. He hadn’t thought she would recognize that burning desire. Maybe she wasn’t as stupid as everybody thought.



6.)When would she realize she was no better than him?

Quinn was walking swiftly down the hall, chin held high and golden hair bouncing around her shoulders. If it hadn’t been for the beach ball under her dress, she would’ve been what she thought she was: Queen of William McKinley High.

She floated past him without a glance and Puck slammed his locker shut. To her, he was just white trash, a Lima loser. He kind of wondered what it would take for her to realize that she wasn’t any better than him now. She was 16, pregnant, and homeless. She’d been slushied and shunned and she still thought she was better than he was.

He spun and almost knocked Berry over, she was standing that close.

“She’s very good. Quinn,” she said, nodding in the direction she’d just gone. “A natural actress.”

“The hell, Berry? Go spew your crazy at somebody else,” he said, starting to step around her.

She stepped with him and grabbed his arm. “Noah Puckerman, you listen to me. Quinn is going through a very difficult time and you aren’t helping matters by haunting her footsteps. I think-”

“I don’t care,” he said before leaning into her face to hiss, “She thinks she’s better than me. She knows she’s better than you.”

A fire kindled in Berry’s eyes and her grip on his arm tightened until her nails were pressing little crescent moons into his skin. “I don’t believe that’s true,” she said lowly, surprising him by not screeching. “I believe she’s afraid and alone and unused to having to expend any effort to make friends. She’s off-kilter, Noah, she’s trying to stand for herself, for the first time, I might add, since she presumes everyone around her has deserted her. And the only thing we can do is be there and wait for her to realize that she’s not alone.”

Then Berry let him go and flounced away. Puck swallowed and tried to believe her. Because Rachel Berry was sure of everything and the universe had a way of bending to her iron will.



7.)Did she wish she knew her mother?

Quinn had given his daughter away yesterday and Puck had gone and gotten really and truly trashed. He’d agreed to it sometime around her 8th month, after watching dark circles deepen under her eyes and her shoulders hunch in weary defeat. So she’d been taken away by a nice Californian couple that’d named her Patricia Helen.

None of that explained why, after he’d finished throwing up everything he’d ever eaten and figured out that the clothes he was wearing weren’t his own, he was looking up into the concerned face of Rachel Berry.

“You passed out before you could really say anything,” she said, shrugging. “Actually, you passed out on me when I opened the door. I’m nearly positive the fall irreparably damaged my tail bone.”

“Your dads must have loved that,” he said hoarsely.

She ran her cool hand down his cheek and he closed his eyes against the sudden urge to cry. “They understand. Before I was born, they lost a child.”

Bile rose up in his throat and he scrambled for the toilet. Because the only thing worse than gone was dead and if Quinn were any other kind of girl, his daughter could’ve ceased to exist before she’d drawn breath.

Small hands rubbed his back in soothing circles until the heaving stopped, then gathered him into her surprisingly strong little body. He was still a little drunk and that was the only reason he started crying. Seriously. Noah Puckerman was a badass and he didn’t get ‘overwrought’, despite whatever Rachel told her fathers when they came to check on them.

They ended up lying on the cool tile floor, him wrapped around as much of her as he could reach, face buried in her neck.

“I think I know why I came here,” he murmured long after his side had started to go numb and she had to’ve gotten uncomfortable. “I don’t really know anybody-I mean-Do you miss her? Your mother?”

She tensed all over, her hand stilling in his hair for only a second. “Sometimes. My first menstruation was an ordeal that I’m sure we would all rather forget. And when there’s a boy…Because my fathers might be gay but they’re not female. And sometimes during the small moments. At the mall. During a performance.” She squeezed the back of his neck. “But my fathers love me, Noah, and I know you wouldn’t have let them take her if you didn’t think they would love her.”

Noah was pretty sure something had died on his tongue and his hand had already accidentally come to rest on the bare skin of her ribs, so he didn’t go for the kiss that would’ve numbed both their minds and driven away the sadness. He settled for brushing his lips along her collarbone, then shifting and pulling her onto her side and into him so that her face pressed into his neck and she was as wrapped up in him as he was in her. And he fell asleep as her breathing evened out and he dreamed of a life where daughters and sons didn’t miss their parents and everybody was good enough.

The End

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