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Buffy on Deck

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Summary: Buffy and Xander go on a Cruise with Dawn and some Mini-Slayers tagging along. But life is never as simple as that and this is one vacay that ain't going to end happily.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Other-Children's/(Pre-)Teen ShowsSithicusFR1338,3041153,0288 Sep 1014 Oct 10No

Cruising Along

Author's Notes: I'm goin' fer a hundred stories on TTH. So yeah I'm starting a new one, but this one is going to be short. Three or Four chappies max. And please don't ask me where I pulled this idea from - it just hit me. Nothing too Hellmouthy or Series Dramay in this story, just a bit of harmless fun.

Disclaimer: The author claims no ownership over the characters which appear in this piece of fanfiction - not-for-profit or anything else fanfiction - all characters belong to their respective owners. Buffy and the gang are the property exclusively of Joss Whedon, ME Productions and ... 20th Century Fox right? Or wait it went to WB for the last two seasons so I guess they both kind of own the property... right? Anyway yeah Joss owns it NOT ME. All characters from Suite Life on Deck, That's So Raven (See Chapter Two), Cory in the House, possibly Hannah Montanna, Wizards of Waverly Place etc. ect. are the property of their respective owners and their parent company The Disney Corporation. That is All. (And I'm still not sure if any Hannah or Wizards characters will appear in this shorty.)

It was a vacation – plain and simple – no demons, no vampires, no apocolai or whatever the plural for apocalypse was. Just her, Dawn, Xander, possibly a few others and a nice cruise around the Mediterranean.

So it was kind of annoying really that something unusual had to happen while they were supposed to be on vacation – it was downright infuriating to be honest – Buffy was getting sick of it. And in truth there wasn’t much she could do about the damn thing.

She just had to suck it up and wait until the crew of the ship settled this particular problem – since it wasn’t supernatural to begin with.

“Excuse me!” one of the passengers shouted trying to get the attention of the harried looking African-American man in charge of the ship.

Buffy had trouble remembering if he was called the maitre d or the cruise director.

“Please, please! All complaints will be heard, but if you must complain do it over there,” the man requested in a polite, but strained tone as he pointed at one of his underlings. “I am trying to solve this crisis,” he informed.

Buffy eyed the man over her sunglasses – he was about to blow a vein – she recognized it from whenever Giles had dangled dangerously close to the edge back during her halcyon carefree days of youth.

“When will we be underway again?” the passenger demanded ignoring the request.

The short man grit his teeth together with a fake smile and offered a slight nod. “Oh I don’t know, perhaps as soon as I find Zack and strangle him!” the man shouted losing all pretense of civility as he stormed off of the sky deck.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “What is it with people thinking that complaining all the time is going to get the problem fixed?” she asked Dawn who was sunning her back next to her.

Dawn shrugged. “It’s a mystery to me, Buffy,” she said not bothering to open her eyes. “I’m just glad we could afford to get onto this ship,” she added with a broad smile.

Buffy eyed her sister briefly and then returned to her magazine. “Whatever, Dawn, if you don’t keep that bikini top on I’m going to toss you into the Jacuzzi,” she threatened.

Dawn pouted. “Buffy, I’m twenty-one years old!” she defended.

“Exactly, that blonde kid behind the juice bar doesn’t need any eye candy from you,” Buffy said. “He’s enough of a hassle to the mini-Slayers who tagged along with us,” she added with a shake of her head.

“That reminds me,” Dawn said re-clasping her bikini top and sitting up. “Have you seen Xander since we got onboard?” she asked. “He’s supposed to be chaperoning with us.”

Buffy shrugged. “Knowing Xander he’s probably bench pressing weights in the gym,” she said with a disinterested air. “I’m sure he’s perfectly safe, what kind of trouble can he get into on an ocean liner the size of a small city?”

Xander wasn’t sure what was worse – the fact that his vacation had turned sour – or the fact that he was being followed around by a pair of young seventeen year olds who kept pestering him about his eye patch.

“Enough!” he shouted whirling on the twins. “Cody, I have no idea what your problem is, but no! I am not going to tell you how I take care of my socket or let you use the techniques you’ve wanted to try since reading that book! And Zack, forget it! I refuse to lend out my spare patch for anything or anyone – least of all a hormonally driven teenager worse than I was at that age,” Xander stated – he didn’t mean to blow up at the twins, but he was getting just a wee bit perturbed at the constant attention from the students of Seven Seas High.

“Ok, I get it man,” Zack said taking a step back. “So… When can I get one of those off of you?” he asked hopefully.

“Zack, I think we’ve bothered this passenger enough,” Cody said realizing that he’d been a tad rude. “I do apologize for the both of us, but I sometimes lose my head whenever school grades and personal hygiene are concerned.”

Zack eyed his brother with disbelief. “Come off it, Cody, you lose your head when you see the toilet paper roll changed before it’s used up,” he said.

Cody shot his brother a glare. “That’s because it’s a waste of paper, Zack, there’s no reason to change rolls until all of the sheets have been removed. Conservation of toilet paper alone would save hundreds of trees a year,” Cody informed.

Zack rolled his eyes. “Sure it would,” he said. “And I suppose you already figured out the math on that one too,” he added.

“Actually I have,” Cody said proudly.

Xander coughed slightly. “Kid, I wouldn’t ever admit to that to any potential girlfriends,” he stated. “Now shoo!” he requested as politely as his last nerve would allow him to.

“Sure thing, Mister Harris,” Cody said. “And again I am really sorry for pestering you, but I wanted to see if what I read on the subject would actually work – it’s not every day I get to meet a dude wearing an eye patch,” the kid said.

Zack rolled his eyes yet again. “Come on, Cody, I think Moseby has been looking for us.”

Cody shot Zack a curious look. “And why exactly would he be looking for us?”

“Because I might have been responsible for blowing out the engine again,” Zack admitted sheepishly.

Cody blinked.

“Hey! In my defense London’s wardrobe is really not the easiest thing to get washed.” Zack chuckled nervously.

“You were doing London’s laundry again?” Cody asked with a sigh. “How much did she give you to do that this time?” he wondered suspiciously.

“Three diamonds and a ruby,” Zack said with a gleam in his eye.

Xander eyed the retreating teens’ backs mystified. “Who let’s their kids run around on a cruise ship unsupervised?” he asked.

“Believe me I ask myself that on a daily basis,” a man’s voice said from Xander’s blind side.

Xander reacted almost without thought and had the man pinned up against the wall of the gym before he could realize what he’d done. “Whoops,” he said. “My bad, I just don’t like it when someone sneaks up on my blind side,” he explained sheepishly letting the man go.

Marion Moseby frowned slightly and did his best not to show how much pain he was in from the attack. “My fault then,” he said. “Those little hooligans weren’t pestering you for too long were they?” he asked trying to be helpful.

Xander shook his head. “Nope, not really, it’s just a sensitive issue and I don’t like talking about it too much,” he admitted.

“I see,” Moseby said sympathetically. “Well at least now I know why the ship isn’t moving,” he added. “I should have known that London and her impossibly large wardrobe had something to do with it,” Moseby said with a sigh. “Some days I don’t know what I’m going to do with that girl, one of these days I just know her father is going to keel haul me.”

Xander blinked and offered a smirk. “If you’re discussing London Tipton I’m confident that you have a point,” he said.

Moseby shook his head and adopted a pained smile. “Well I’d better go back down below and see if the engineers can get the engine back in working order before the passengers turn into an unruly mob,” he said turning to leave.

Xander let him go and decided to get back to what he’d been trying to do – relax – with a sigh he settled down in front of the weights and started to lift them. As he did he noticed the eyes of a couple of other passengers watching him. “Well I definitely appreciate the ogling I hope none of those women are demons because I’m on vacation,” he muttered under his breath.

“Oooooh!” Emma Tutweiller licked her lips as she watched the one-eyed man lifting weights. Something about him drew her eye – she couldn’t quite place what it was – but she liked what she saw. “I should make a move before he gets off the ship,” she said to herself. “Patience, patience, Emma, don’t be needy don’t scare this one off. Oh to hell with that!” she shouted rising to her feet and marching straight up to Xander.

“He’s mine, crone!” one of the younger women shouted rushing up to Emma and grabbing her by the hair.

“Ouch!” Emma let out a pained screech and whirled on the attacking passenger.

“That man will be mine!” the young woman declared baring her teeth at the teacher.

“I saw him first,” Emma declared angrily her teeth flashing slightly and her eyes flickering with an inner fire.

“Nobody calls dibs on a man,” the young woman stated viciously backhanding Emma across the face.

Emma growled low in her throat and lashed out with her nails – scratching the woman’s cheek – she hadn’t expected such a powerful reaction. But she wasn’t about to lose out on this potential mate to this hussy. She’d spent enough time alone in the company of her cats.

Xander felt something unusual and turned to eye both women – one of them he briefly recognized from memories of the past – the other was a mystery to him but she smelled curiously familiar to him. It took him a moment to realize why. “Stop it this instant!” Xander barked letting some of that old fire in his gut.

“Xander,” the young woman said bowing her head in sudden subservience.

“That’s ok, Rhonda, I get why you’re acting this way,” he told the other woman.

“They’re all dead,” she said with a whine.

Emma shook herself to get rid of the strange feelings overpowering her – she could sense somehow that this was something private between the two of them.

“So. You found me,” Xander said.

Rhonda collapsed to her knees and balled her hands into fists. “I need your help,” she whispered. “The memories haunt me even now! I can’t take it anymore – I used to have the others, but they all got killed – I followed you for help,” she said a desperate plea in her eyes.

Xander sighed. “I’m on vacation,” he said.

“Please!” Rhonda screamed attracting unwanted attention.

“Come to my cabin, we’ll talk there,” Xander insisted. He gathered Rhonda up in his arms and started to walk away, but paused when he sensed that the other woman was about to storm off upset. “You’d better come too,” he said softly.

“What? Why?” Emma asked laughing in a disturbed tone.

“Because I can sense something in you, and I think I can help you too,” Xander said quietly.

“Help? I don’t need any help,” Emma denied averting her gaze.

Xander’s eyes flashed briefly and he laughed. “Fine, if you insist… but if you build up the nerve to try and find out why you just broke into a cat fight over me with Rhonda here you can find me in my cabin, or the sky deck,” he said.

Xander walked out of the gym without another word and headed off to his cabin with Rhonda – he hadn’t seen thing one of her or any of the others since ‘the incident’ he believed that just like him their memories remained. And they had embraced the pack mentality residue of their possessions in order to better cope – ditching high school and taking off to parts unknown – Xander hoped he could help Rhonda cope with her problems without reverting to type. All he needed was for Buffy or Dawn to get wind of this and think he was in trouble again.

Emma Tutweiller shook her head and left as well – she had been put off watching the muscley men in their workouts after the strange incident and she needed time to think. After all she was a logically minded person and a teacher – she could figure out what the problem was without the help of some strange man she’d gotten into a fight over. It wasn’t like that hadn’t happened before.

Emma paused as she waited for the elevator to take her down to her cabin. “Come to think of it I’ve never done anything like that before,” she mused worried now. Ignoring her misgivings she entered the elevator and pushed the button for her deck.

London Tipton eyed the sopping wet pile of designer – one of a kind originals – and pouted. Once again she’d asked someone else to do her laundry and once again they had failed her miserably – it sucked royally not having any maids or other servants on this stupid boat.

London stomped her foot. “I should have asked Cody to do it,” she said. “At least he doesn’t jam everything into the machine at once,” she added showing a rare bit of insight for the ditzy heiress.

“I could have told you that, London,” Bailey said from her bed – she put down the Farmer’s Monthly magazine she was reading and glanced at her roommate. “Are you going to ask Cody to help sort out Zack’s mess?” she wondered.

London sighed and shook her head. “No I’ll just buy all new clothes,” she decided bursting into a broad smile. “Yay me! And Yay shopping!” she declared holding her many credit cards in the air triumphantly as though they were weapons.

Bailey watched unimpressed as London strode across their cabin and grabbed the doorknob. Turning back to her magazine she tried not to think about the problem that was London Tipton – without warning a loud crack sound filled the cabin.

London started crying – or more accurately she started whining. “WAHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at the broken door she’d just torn off its hinges. “Bailey! Tell the doors to stop breaking when I open them!” she demanded frustratedly.

Bailey stared at London in disbelief. “London, how long have doors been breaking when you try to open them?” she asked carefully – she didn’t want to upset London any further.

London shook her head annoyedly. “I don’t know! Since that stupid woman asked me if I wanted to be strong and I said yes because I was forced to carrying all my clothes from here to my fake-store,” London told her roommate.

Bailey stared at her confused. “That long?” she asked. “I haven’t seen you doing it,” she added.

London harrumphed. “D’uh! That’s because I got Moseby to replace the doors before anybody noticed,” she said as if it should be obvious.

Bailey sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose – ever since becoming London’s roommate she tended to develop killer migraines more often than usual. “Just go get Moseby to fix the door again,” she insisted. “And maybe you should try practicing better control of this weird new strength you’ve gotten,” she added dismissing her roommate by going back to her magazine.

London glared at Bailey’s unhelpful suggestion, but decided against hitting her – if she wasn’t careful she could actually hurt the girl and she didn’t want that. “Fine,” she said leaving the room in a huff. “Now I’ll have to do extra shopping to get rid of this bad mood,” she added turning and heading out of the hallway.

Unobserved a young girl watched careful not to let herself be seen – she was only ten years old, but thanks to what had happened to her she could hear every word the two teenagers had said. Frowning slightly she turned and went to go find Mister Harris or Miss Summers – it sounded like one of the potentials turned Slayers had slipped through the cracks.

End Act One *Commercial Break*
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