Fandom: BtVS / White Collar
Characters: Peter, Neal, Andrew, Xander
Genre: Attempted humor
Summary: Andrew got caught while trying to steal a cursed painting. Xander comes to the rescue.
I would like to thank HiltonK for the quick beta. All the remaining mistakes are mine.
Peter and Neal stood in front of the two sided mirror in the small space adjacent the interrogation room and studied the suspect, frowning.
Finally Neal sighed and shook his head. “I don’t see it.”
“Maybe he is the fall back guy?” hypothesized Peter, unsure.
“Nah, it doesn’t add up with what we know of the case.”
“Yeah, you’re right. You ready to talk to him?”
“As ready as I’m ever gonna be.”
“Come on Neal, cowboy up! How bad can it be?” grinned Peter, patting Neal on the shoulder. “Besides I thought you like it when people admire your talents?”
Neal just glared at him.
“Mr. Wells, I hope you have sufficiently calmed down,” said Peter, throwing the case folder on the table before sitting down in front of him.
Andrew just nodded, his eyes still huge pools of admiration, that followed Neal’s every move since he entered the interrogation room. The kid was biting his lip trying to contain himself, all the while looking like an adoring puppy, wagging its tail in the con-man’s direction.
Peter smiled inwardly. This was going to be a piece of cake. The wanna-be thief was so taken by Neal, that he would confess to anything, just to get his attention. A few kind words and the case will be closed, leaving him time to get home early and surprise El with his famous pot-roast.
He turned to his left to give Neal the go ahead only to find the chair still empty. Scanning the room he located the con-man still standing by the door.
“Would you like to join in?” Peter asked and got an immediate reaction from the both of them. Andrew perked up more, if this was even possible, and Neal grimaced at him.
“So you stole the Slistin painting?” asked Neal.
The kid grinned enthusiastically and nodded his head with such force that Peter was surprised that it didn’t detach itself from the neck.
“I’m afraid that you’ll have to speak your answer out loud,” said Peter.
“Yes, I am the mastermind behind the impossible and unexplainable heist.”
“It was a smash and grab.” Neal reminded him.
The kids face fell like he had been slapped.
“But not, for that, less impressive,” interjected Peter, glaring at Neal, not wanting the kid to stop talking. “But tell me, did you steal the other three Slistin paintings too?”
Andrew beamed, his previous bad mood disappearing immediately. “Yes.”
“Why did you do it? Why steal those paintings? There were a lot more valuable things on display.”
“That may be true, my friend, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A painting is so much more than paint and canvas. It has its history, a story to tell…and what a story that is! It all begun on a cold November day in the year of the lord Our Lord 1795 in the village of Segusio. That year the crop wasn’t ….”
“Stop it right there! Is there any relevance to this case?” asked Peter annoyed.
“Uh well no, but you asked,” pouted Andrew. “Besides, being the very capable detective that I know you are, don’t you want to know the whole story?”
“Yes! The whole story behind the theft! Not the entire history of man. Neal?” The detective pleaded with his C.I.
“Well, you did ask the question, Peter. And now I am curious as to hear the answer.”
“I can’t believe this!” shouted the FBI agent, throwing his hands in the air.
“No, I am the one that can’t believe this!” said an unknown voice from behind them.
As one, Peter and Neal turned around and found themselves face to face with another young man in his early twenties with dark hair and chocolate eye. Yes, one eye - the other was covered in an eye-patch.
“Who the hell are you, and how did you get here! This is an interrogation room.”
“Xander. Walked. I know.”
Neal saw that Peter was about to explode and placed a calming hand on his shoulder.
“What are you doing here?” Neal asked, grinning at the new arrival. He was enjoying this more than he had anticipated.
“I’m here to retrieve Andrew. He seems to have lost his way.” Xander smiled sweetly.
“Mr. Wells is accused of art theft to which, if I may add, he has already confessed. He isn’t going anywhere! For that matter you are not going anywhere. You entered …” Peter trailed off as he realized that the two suspects had tuned him out completely and were staring at each other.
“Confessed? You confessed!! What the hell were you thinking!?” shouted Xander, the smile completely gone from his face. “For that matter why did you let them catch you?”
“Excuse me? Let us catch him?” bristled Peter.
“You don’t understand…” Andrew whined.
“You are right, I don’t,” sighed Xander.
“Enough! What is wrong with you two? You are in an FBI interrogation room, accused of theft. Focus please on the problem at hand!” Peter was at the end of his rope.
“Wha… Oh right. The painting thingy. Here, this should clear that up,” said Xander pushing a thick layer of papers into Peter’s hands, then as if Peter wasn’t even there, he turned back to Andrew.
“It wasn’t my fault. I am a master thief, but even I was no match to the fantastic duo.” Andrew smiled adoringly.
“Beg your pardon?” Xander blinked at him.
“Don’t you know who they are?” asked Andrew pointing at Neal and Peter. “That is Agent Burke. He is like the smartest fed in the world. And that there is THE Neal Caffrey. He like, forges bonds and paintings and statues. He is a legend! He is so smart and savy and…”
“Andrew. So help me God if you got arrested only because of your stupid man-crush…” groaned Xander, desperately fighting the headache that begun forming the moment he got the call about Andrew.
“What!?” sputtered Peter, redirecting his attention from the legal document.
“Not you. I was talking about Mr. Conman here,” huffed Xander.
“That’s Mr. Reformed Conman, Xander. Just like me, he walked for a brief period of time on the dark side, but then he saw the light and joined the good fight against evil.”
“Andrew!” screamed Xander.
The boy looked surprised at the harsh tone in Xander’s voice. He studied Xander’s angry features, the balled up hands and then his expression cleared up. “Oh, don’t worry Xander, you will always be my number one. Our fearless leader.”
Xander had enough of this. “Out!”
“But…” tried to protest Andrew, but Xander was inflexible. “Out! Now!”
Andrew looked down at his hands that were chained to the table and then raised an eyebrow at Xander.
“Of for crying out loud!” he exclaimed and, without thinking, took Andrew’s bound hands into his own. Closing his eyes he concentrated for a second and then the cuffs just fell off.
“How did you do that?” asked Neal, sensing the chance to pick up a new trick.
“It’s a kind of magic,” sang Andrew, smiling.
“Can you teach me that?”
“You, Neal Caffrey, want to learn something from my humble self?”
“Is that a yes?” Neal wanted to know.
“YES!” Andrew was grinning like an idiot.
Xander and Peter exclaimed at the same time. Their eyes met briefly, and both recognized the others pain to have to deal with such individuals.
“But Xander…” whined Andrew.
“Knock it off! You can’t just go around teaching people tricks and spilling secrets to them, just because you have a crush on them! When you started working with us you accepted certain responsibilities and ….” Xander stopped in the middle of the sentence, a look of pure horror forming on his face. “Oh my God!! I’m starting to talk like Giles! Andrew we have to get out of here, quickly! I have to do something stupid and totally irresponsible!”
“Xander?” asked Andrew.
“I’m already feeling the tweed creeping up on me!” Xander said, eye huge. “Are the papers in order?”
Peter nodded. Neal sent him an inquisitive look, but he just shrugged his shoulders. After all, what could he do against the sighed release form from the NSA? That didn’t mean that he wouldn’t make a few phone calls and call in a few favors.
As soon as he saw the nod, Xander grabbed Andrew and dragged him out of the door.
“And here I thought that at least one of them was normal.” Peter shook his head.
Neal smirked. “If you are looking for normal, you are in the wrong business.”
Some time latter….
Xander was being dragged away from the bridge by uniformed officers after having climbed to the top of the tall structure and performing a very impressive Snoopy dance.
As the arresting officer was reading him his rights he idly wondered who would be the unlucky bastard to have to come bust him out of detention.
Well, whoever it was, Xander was happy. The tweed had been pushed back for at least another couple of years and the immature and childish Xander was being restored to the front line once again. Finally, all was well in the world.
THE END…. Or is it?