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William's Questionnaire

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Correspondence". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Spike forwarded a meme to Drusilla. She replied. Yikes.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Other BtVS Characters(Past Donor)gleefulmusingsFR1511,874041,33916 Sep 1016 Sep 10Yes
Title: William's Questionnaire
Author: xanzpet
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series, post-NFA, AU. Not comics compliant.
Character: Drusilla
Rating: FR-15
Warning(s): Language, including frank sexual language. Spoilers for the entirety of both shows.
Distribution: Please ask first. Please do not screencap this story, save it to hard drives, exchange with others, or translate into other languages without written consent.
Feedback: Con-crit is always welcome; flames will be put on display and ridiculed.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, lyrics, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Snippets of dialogue may be incorporated from the original canonical episode(s) and belong to their respective authors/creators. The original characters and plot are the property of the author(s). The author(s) is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended, nor should any be inferred. No profit is being made.

Note: This was originally prompted by and posted to the LiveJournal nekid_spike community.

Summary: Spike forwarded a meme to Drusilla. Yikes!

* * * * *

My naughty Spike sent me these prurient questions and asked for my answers. I am dreadfully sorry for my late reply, but I was rather busy with that lovely chaos demon. That tarty Seer once said she found antlers creepy, but that's only because she doesn't know how versatile they can be.

* * * * *

1. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.

A change of clothes for Miss Edith. She is quite misbehaved, you know. Always flashing her lollygaggles at any boy who passes. Grandmummy said that any boy you have to tart yourself up for undoubtedly has unremarkable manhood.

Daddy! Where is my Daddy? Daddy, show all the naughty little boys what manhood should be.

William, please release Daddy from the confines of your buttocks.

2. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?

I have always wanted my own pet. William was like a pet, but I was never able to housetrain him properly. He was always sniffing about and spraying whatever caught his fancy. Daddy believes that I am not yet responsible enough to care for a pet, but I think he’s wrong. Shh! Don’t tell!

No, tell! He might punish me!

I have so much love to give. What I should really like is a kitten. Oh, yes! A cuddly, fluffy, nubile kitten. With shiny black hair and big brown eyes and long legs and a fluffy tail. His face would be a poem.

Have you seen my Kitten? I fear he is lost! I know he is searching for me. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Mummy’s got some treats for you. Mummy loves your tender vittles, yes she does! Yes she does!

3. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?

Oh, goodness no! I am already several people. I shan’t think that I could do another justice! Although it might be fun to try!

Oh, how exciting! A visitor!

4. What do you like to do in your bathroom?

I have always found white porcelain sinks so elegantly beautiful. More so after a bloodletting. The crimson swirls down the drain like Alice in Wonderland. Going, going, gone. Blood dries brown, you know, not red. How disappointing! Earth. Dirt. It’s all dirt. Everything is so dirty! It’s horrid. We’re all just bugs, nattering about in the dirt. Have you any treacle tart? I quite like treacle tart. Isn’t Nigella Lawson divine?

5. Which was your best kiss ever?

Oh, well, you mustn’t tell Daddy or my Spike, but that Watcher was simply delicious. I could have kissed him for hours and hours, especially on his nether regions! I was quite fortunate that Daddy didn’t see that! So handsome, he was. All chiseled and cleft chins and dimples. Oh, when I kissed him, I could see that he would be a wonderful daddy, all violence and candy. Kiss and make up, now, pretty. Watcher had someone else in him, too, just like the bad Angel. A naughty boy from long ago waiting to be released. Daddy wanted inside Watcher, too, but he scratched his fingers on the tweed.

Silly Daddy.

6. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?

Oooh! A date? Like a proper lady? How lovely! I adore gentlemen callers!

Oh, but what shall I wear? Grandmummy used to dress me. She had the most wonderful taste and she enjoyed cinching my corset. I have such excellent posture because of it, though it is exceedingly difficult to find whalebone nowadays. All of the civility has just been bred out of existence. It’s all flying whirligigs and preachers with their pants down. They should wear proper cassocks so that they simply just have to lift up their robes for the altar boys. Belts are such a nuisance. I do enjoy a man of God, though, like that glorious man, the one who hurt my Kitten. Oh, his time will come. He’ll be judged; we all will. Sustained!

Oh, yes, you asked about music. The singing of the stars, naturally! Or the screaming of a virgin. Both are holy.

7. Can you touch your toes?

Why, yes! I can also eat them!

8. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?

Oh, I don’t care for metal restraints, thank you. They chafe so horribly. I love metal restraints! If I had a pair, I believe I would cuff that silly girl who thinks my William is hers and who also worships unicorns. What a strange obsession! Such fanciful creatures do not exist!

9. What is your biggest regret and why?

I repent that I was not a better daughter and mother. Daddy and William left me all alone. Was I so terrible? I did my best, I promise you. Daddy broke me like Humpty Dumpty. Couldn’t put the pieces back together again. Perhaps had I been able to fix the cracks, they would have stayed.

10. What is your kinkiest fantasy?

I should like my Spike, my Daddy, and my Kitten to all drink from each other and teach that naughty Slayer a lesson she shan’t soon forget! Boo! Hiss! Mean Slayer, taking what is not hers, even when she doesn’t want it!

Worse, I think she tints her hair. How dreadful. In my day, a woman wore her own hair, or a lovely wig. None of this nonsense with chemicals. Smells like rotten eggs and sanitary napkins.

11. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?

The Immortal is quite well known in our circles, you know. He’s not much to look at, to be sure, but he does excel in the erotic arts. Grandmummy was always so ravenous, but he tired even her. I was a bit unsatisfied, but I held my tongue. I didn’t fancy a second go. Still, at least I can say I climbed that mountain. Forded that stream, followed the rainbow and whatsit.

Didn’t Mary Poppins make a wonderful nun? Of course, I would have been much better. Oh, but those children! Far too many children! I would have been such a wonderful mother. Whiskers on kittens are some of my favorite things! Have you seen my Kitten?

12. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?

I sometimes pranced about in William’s undershorts, for he liked to see me in them. I don’t understand this fascination with viewing women in men’s undergarments. It’s entirely improper. Little girls should be little girls, and little boys should be little boys who love other little boys and their lovely mothers.

13. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?

Grandmummy had such divine breasts. I do feel sorry that her disgusting little spawn never got to suckle them. Alas! It is entirely his fault for being human. He can’t be my brother. Daddy is a proper sire. He doesn’t sire mortals! It’s not true, is it? But…if he is my brother, I should care for him like a proper sister, like that bad Slayer does for her shiny Key. Oh, I have a brother! I must instruct him in the ways of familial love as soon as possible. Daddy! Daddy, help me teach baby brother! Ew, diapers.

14. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?

What an odd question. Of course I have witnessed lovemaking between others, and I am so excited to welcome people into my bedchamber. It is a communal activity you know. But not Miss Edith! She is far too wanton. Oh, Daddy so did enjoy taking me from behind while forcing William to watch. I don’t think William much cared for it, but he can be so sensitive about the silliest things. I once saw the bad Daddy making googly eyes at that saucy Seer. She is entirely too blunt for my tastes; rather cruel, in fact. She would make an excellent demon. I think I would enjoy eating her.

15. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?

I believe I have answered already this question. Something about metal restraints, wasn’t it? Daddy liked to tie me up, and it was always so much fun because I never knew when he would release me! Sometimes it would be weeks and weeks. I adore games! Sometimes I would bind William, but it was really for his own protection. He squirms so when he climaxes, I fretted that he might injure himself. And you really must tie up your lovers, otherwise they might run off! Oh, I must get some twine. Must keep Kitten on a tight leash! Kittens love to frolic and scamper about, all roly-poly.

16. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?

William and Daddy had pet names for me which were quite lovely, but I should like to keep them to myself, thank you. This questionnaire is very personal, I’ll have you know. Grandmummy called me horrible names, but it was only because she loved me so.

17. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?

Oh, there are several! There was that delightful church nave where Daddy took me over and over as I watched the baby Jesus cry. William was rather excitable around railroad tracks and Chinese restaurants. Kitten used to have that lovely truck with the iceboxes. Brr! How enticing!

18. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?

Popcorn? Oh, are we going to the fair? I love the fair! Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. All of those sweet little children collected in one place. I was always fond of buffets. You’ll take me into the Tunnel of Love, won’t you, Kitten? Daddy will be waiting for us, and we shall all together come inside my tunnel.

19. What are your top 3 kinks?

I’m afraid I do not understand this question. It is impolite to compel a lady to choose.

20. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?

I once ate a delightful young boy in a rather smart uniform, who told me I should be prepared for anything, so when I leave my lair, I do try to keep the essentials on hand. A lovely comb for my hair, because one never knows when one might get snared by twigs, leaves, and such. And I have quite a fetching necklace with removable stones strung on piano wire. And just a spoonful of sugar makes the blood that much sweeter.

Thank you, William, for including me on your paper route. I so look forward to reading what the others have to say, when I have time. Of course, I already know, as the stars sang to me and told me what lurks in their hearts. Bad Daddy's responses will be late, as he is occupied with that sinfully delicious barrister and my Kitten. Oh, I must find some catnip!


The End

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