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Crooked

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This story is No. 10 in the series "The re-imagining of Harry Potter". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Pansy the Wedding Planner. ~Het pairings but some mentions of slash pairings with secondary characters~

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS StoriesShulikFR13616,7950214,7449 Oct 108 Jan 12No

Chapter One

JK Rowling owns the world of Harry Potter.

This will eventually be a Ron/Pansy pairing. You have been forewarned.
Remember guys, it's the last month of the CoA's. I still have two nominations remaining, for Explains Everything- Twilight Cross and Best Faith Portrayal for- Brother Mine. Please Vote!

Reviews are absolutely lovely.



Pansy eyed Mrs.Brown with poorly hidden distaste. The rotund, grey haired woman was simperingly sweet to watch, like a sugary snack bound to make you nauseous. And that was something, coming from the girl who had willingly gone into Umbridge’s Inquisitorial Squad for extra credit.

She was flitting around the office, like an overexcited bat dressed in purple tweed, fluttering her hands over the Crooked Portfolio. The book filled with images of the weddings they had done over the years, the one standing next to all the other events binders was almost mauled in her meaty hands and Pansy had to fight the urge to rip her precious binder away.

Thankfully Hermione had started duplicating them after the third overexcited bride had broken the spine on one of the Portfolios in a fit of nuptial anxiety.

The younger Brown daughter sat near the window and just looking at her made Pansy’s heart squeeze. She looked so much like Lav did back in the day, all long honey blonde hair, high cheekbones and huge blue green eyes. Except where Lav’s eyes where full of laughter, even after the attack, her sister’s were sad.

The bell dinged above their door, signaling someone else’s arrival and Hermione bustled through, a stack of papers in one hand and a large coffee in the other.

Pansy blinked as she saw Dobby trailing after her, wailing piteously as he kept trying to shove a food container at the back of Hermione’s knees. His spiffy new towel was an eye gouging shade of fluorescent orange and Pansy narrowed her eyes as she glanced two intercrossed C’s on the back of the house elf.

She knew where the shirt must have come from, the only man dumb enough to remake a Quidditch jersey into a house elf’s uniform. Stupid freaking Weasley, giving Potter’s elf a Cannons shirt- what the hell was he thinking?

Then again, the stupid fool probably wasn’t.

“Hey Pans,” Hermione shook her hair out as she squeezed off her jacket, leaving only a white t-shirt on. “How’s things?”

She glowed with happiness. Ever since Nott had gotten his shit together and she had given in to the inevitable, Hermione was practically a disco ball of joy. Sparkling with humor and goodwill as she fluttered around the office. Even the newly engaged couples, usually saccharine in their disgustingly lovey dovey togetherness weren’t enough to spark her ire, but seeing Hermione so happy while she was still solidly single- well it bugged Pansy, just a little bit. She was happy for her friend, there was no doubt about it, but seeing what she was missing made Pansy’s heart tug.

Maybe Pansy was exaggerating.

A little bit.

She grimaced as Hermione, the object of her ruminations poked her side and leaned over, brown eyes sparkling conspiratorially “Who’re we giving the stink-eye to?” Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and she smelled like fall. She looked happy.

Pansy missed having her friend around, but if Theodore freaking Nott made Hermione smile like this, she guessed that she could probably deal.

“Mrs.Brown,” Pansy leaned back and whispered, keeping her eyes off the woman in question so she wouldn’t know that she was being gossiped about. “She’s planning her daughter’s wedding.”

Hermione’s eyes darkened in anger as she glanced at the corner, where Mrs.Brown had cornered her offspring and was now loudly extolling the virtues of having the wedding in a church.

“Next thing you know, she’ll be asking for a damn vicar to perform the ceremony,” Pansy scoffed, keeping her narrowed eyes on the woman’s broad back. “Nouveau riche bitch.”

Hermione, who would have normally been the calm counterpoint to Pansy’s sarcasm and vitriol, only nodded as she too tried vainly to incinerate the hat on top of the woman’s head.

Lav hadn’t talked to her family in six years. She gone into the Final Battle a beautiful teenage girl and had come out a scarred war hero. The Wizarding World had praised her for what she had done, taking out Greyback like that and yet at the same time- they pitied her. They pitied her the loss of her once gorgeous looks, they pitied her for the fact that a werewolf’s claws had left her with a previously unknown vicious streak and a tendency to get somewhat feral around the full moon.

Lav’s parents though, the high-society Browns, had disowned her for what they called her unfortunate foray into bestiality.

It was strange but outside her own house, the Slytherins were the first ones to congregate around Lavender. Unlike the others, the Slytherins knew what she was going through, how it felt that her own parents would abandon her over something like that. Hell, most of them had been disowned by their own families anyway.

Violet, a fairly nice girl who they had hired to deal with the influx of customers in the office while they were away on location, was looking more and more agitated the longer she was in Mrs.Brown’s company. Her purple hair stuck out in uneven tufts and ridges from where she had tugged on it, in discrete aggravation from the complete bull of a woman currently waltzing around Crooked and her eyes held the distinctly glossy sheen of one likely to drop off her feet in exhaustion soon.

The doorbell jangled again and Adrian walked in, a grey scarf wrapped around his throat and a black pea coat contrasting nicely with his still pink hair. He gave them his trademark big-name Quidditch star shit eating grin as he shook some leaves out of said hair, ignoring the lovelorn sighs of the brides-to-be around them, and sauntered up to the counter.

He really was her favorite cousin, Pansy reflected sourly, and that was saying something considering that she was a pure-blood and thus related to most wizarding families in Britain and in her case, Germany. But the man could be an absolute douche when he wanted to be and ever since the break of his engagement to Astoria, something about her getting indignant regarding a certain carpet and how she might have woken up with a shaved head *cough Luna*, Adrian was in a good mood.

“Are you ever going to change your hair color?” Pansy asked him, eyeing the blinding monstrosity on his head.

Adrian leaned against the counter and grinned rakishly “Why? Does me flaunting your obvious magical prowess bother you that much?”

Hermione snorted in the corner, from where she was listing in the appointment book, her head down so as to keep her amusement to herself.

“Granger,” Adrian gave her his patented leer, like the great big manwhore that he was, and smiled as he looked her over “you’re looking particularly lovely today.”

“Pucey,” Hermione looked up from the paperwork and bared her teeth in a feral smile, “can’t say the same thing for you.”

Pansy laughed at that, shooting Adrian a scornful smile as he grinned over at her.

“You’re breaking my heart Granger,” he tsked and palmed the completely wrong area of his chest, large fingers splaying over his ribs on the right side of his body.

Hermione burst out in laughter, shoving at Adrian until he mock stumbled. “Oh god,” she gasped, moving his hand to the left, “your heart’s there, you enormous meathead.” She snorted to herself.

Adrian, Merlin bless his lack of shame, shrugged as he switched sides dutifully “As long as I’ve got you around to correct me.”

Hermione could only grin as she shook her head “you’re shameless Pucey.” She picked up the binder and winked at Pansy “I’ll let you two catch up, I’ve got accounts to straighten out in the back.”

She gave Adrian a wave as she went into the back, hearing the door chime behind her.

Pansy watched her cousin watch Hermione. She coughed and Adrian swung his gaze back to her, a light flush suffusing his cheeks.

“Yeah, you should probably let that notion go,” Pansy drawled out, tapping her fingernails against the spelled glass of the counter, “I’m pretty sure Nott would disembowel you for looking at his wife like that.”

Adrian shrugged as he turned his attention back to Pansy, “Still can’t believe that reedy little Teddy Nott is a big, bad Unspeakable now.” He sounded incredulous, like it offended his sensibilities just to think about it.

“Little Teddy Nott can break you in half with his fist now,” Pansy pointed out reasonably, “there’s no need to go stalking after danger just because you’re bored, suddenly single and mid-season.”

“Excuse me,” a grating invoice cut into their conversation before Pansy could really get going, “I have been waiting for you to finish, but it seems like I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.” Mrs.Brown stood beside the counter glowering sulkily down at Pansy. “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

Violet wavered behind Mrs.Brown’s back, looking like a punkishly overexcited gerbil as she tried to draw attention to herself.

“We don’t have one,” Pansy smiled pleasantly, making sure to show her canines. “We work in a democratic environment where all of us are equal.”

It was a mark of the woman’s stupidity that she didn’t step back and flee in terror. Pansy’s teeth baring smile was, as many a Slytherin discovered over the years, a pretty good indicator that things were about to get really shitty. Really fast.

As it was though, Adrian had moved slightly to his left- courtesy of years of Pansy’s crazy rage fits coming to mind, careful to keep in sight of the door and Vi- fabulous girl that she was, had squeaked and disappeared behind Adrian’s considerable bulk. Pansy chanced a fond look in their direction before turning the glare of doom back to the lump of lard in front of her.

“Mrs. Brown,” she drawled slowly, enunciating the Mrs. with a truly spectacular sneer starting to bloom. If she was still in school, Draco would have popped up in that moment to egg her on wildly while Goyle and Crabbe stood as the silent protectors in the background.

“Would that be Gladiola Brown?” Pansy cocked her head and let a bit more rage seep into her voice, “Lavender’s mother?”

Somewhere at the side of them, Violet prepared to collapse in an ungainly heap.

“You know Lavender?” Mrs. Brown hissed in fairly scandalized undertones. Her blue eyes flashed fire as she leaned forward, with her heavy chest eliciting a threatening creak from the counter.

“She was my year mate,” Pansy beamed back at the woman, making sure to crowd as much of her personal space as possible. “She’s a friend of mine that I currently see too little of because she spends almost all her time working on the shop that keeps her afloat,” Pansy’s dark eyes narrowed in a glare, “I really like your daughter, Mrs. Brown.”

Pansy paused, making sure that her next words would fully seep in.

“She’s a wonderful woman, strong, kick-ass and I’m proud to know her,” she leaned forward, seeing as how the Brown matriarch had backed away, staring at Pansy with disgust.

“I-“ she began before Pansy held up a hand, halting her conversation.

“Oh, I’m the owner of this fine establishment,” Pansy said genially, “and let me just tell you right now, we’re booked.” She smirked, one of her old smiles, school age and a little bit tired but no less vicious “For the foreseeable future.”

Mrs.Brown’s eyes were wide with shock and anger, she was practically vibrating with the rage bubbling within her. She pointed her finger at Pansy “You… You miserable excuse for a proper witch. Don’t think that I don’t know all about you-“

“Blah, blah, blah-“ Adrian chose that moment to cut in. His eyes flashed with fire as he smoothly interjected himself between Pansy and the furious woman in front of her. “Now, since you’ve been made aware that you’ll receive no service here, why don’t I escort you out?” He moved closer, taking the woman’s elbow in his own. Essentially trapping her, as she had no choice but to follow the burly Quidditch player out of the shop.

“I’ll be seeing you,” she managed to snap out, almost twisting her neck in her vitriol to spite Pansy.

Pansy winked back at her with a little wave, “I’ll be looking forward to it.”

There was a silence as Adrian squired the nasty woman away, punctuated only by the loud sounds of Vi’s anxious squeaking. Pansy eyed her warily, the girl was a treasure when it came to running the office, but she was entirely too soft with life’s harder situations- probably the result of being a Hufflepuff.

“Come on Vi,” she patted her back kindly, “why don’t you help Hermione in the back with the accounting?” She thought about it, “There’s tea and biscuits there, plus I’m sure that Theo’s managed to smuggle in some fabulous chocolates from his travels.”

Vi nodded with grateful relief clear in her eyes before she disappeared to the back where Hermione was probably sequestered elbow deep in accounting.

Pansy sighed as she stretched, hysterical confrontations like this were nothing new to her, having grown up in Slytherin house with the Greengrass sisters who really were no pillars of sanity themselves. In fact, she grinned as she thought about it, having an enraged female threaten her with violence- well, it almost made Pansy feel nostalgic for the good old school days.

She paused, wondering briefly what that said about her.

There was the sound of movement from the behind the shelves and Pansy tensed, keeping her fingers on her wand just in case. “Who’s there?” she called.

A blonde head emerged, ah- Lavender’s little sister. Had she stayed behind deliberately?

“Hello,” she said in a surprisingly soft voice, slowly idling closer as she traced her fingers over the counter. “I heard you properly, right?” Something in her manner reminded Pansy of Luna, the soft vagueness probably, the guileless look in her blue eyes. But whereas Luna’s ‘innocent’ look was just a cleverly schemed ploy to make people underestimate her, it looked like the Brown girl was actually that soft.

Pansy grimaced. Just because the mother was a stone cold bitch, that didn’t mean that the daughter would be one too. It was a lesson learned in the worst possible way.

“Uh,” Pansy scratched at her wrist, an old nervous tick that never really went away, “yes? Listen,” she paused, trying to reach for a smile, “I’m sure you’re lovely and everything and you’ll have a beautiful wedding. But Lav’s my friend. I’m not going to go behind her back for this.”

The girl flushed a dark red as she flustered, “Oh no!” she held up a hand. “It’s not that.” She smiled sheepishly, “I’m sure we’ll be able to find another planner,” she paused and looked at Pansy with a half hidden sort of hope, “but, did you mean it? When you said that you were Lavender’s friend?”

“Yeah, I meant it.”

“Oh,” the girl breathed out, slumping in relief against the counter. Pansy eyed her dodgily, what the hell was up with the Brown family and their strange and immediate connection to her beautifully polished glass display counter?

“thank Merlin,” the girl continued and Pansy frowned. What was her name?

“I’m Peony, by the way,” the girl, Peony, said as if reading Pansy’s mind. She smiled wistfully, “I’m glad that my sister has such good friends. It’s good to know that she has a support system.”

“Well,” Pansy hesitated, “did you want to talk to Lav? Her shop’s just up the street.”

Peony looked panicked as she held up her hands and shook her head in protest, “Oh no. Mum would have my hide…” She began backing away, towards the door, “but,” she paused as she turned the handle, “just take care of Lav, okay? She’s pretty silly, but she’s my only sister.”

And with those words, Peony Brown disappeared through the door towards the street where Pansy could hear her mother’s strident voice demanding Adrian to be let back in.

“Sweet Salazar,” Adrian slammed the door in his hurry to be let back in, out of Mrs.Brown’s long reach, “that woman’s bloody insane.” He shuddered as he cast an Episkey over a long bloody scratch on his arm, probably a result from the woman’s adamant refusal to leave without her daughter.

“No,” Pansy grinned at her cousin, her favorite cousin, as she began looking over the day’s appointments, “she’s a pureblood. You’ve just forgotten how barmy the lot of them are.”

“Them?” Adrian raised an amused eyebrow, evidently remembering all the tantrums Pansy used to throw when confronted with the Muggle world and how the word ‘mudblood’ was thrown around like a Quaffle back in the day.

“We’re a new generation,” Pansy huffed haughtily, “we’re different.” She paused in her organizational duties and threw a pen at Adrian’s head, which he with his damn reflexes caught without even blinking,” Don’t you have something to do?”

Adrian laughed as he walked around the counter, to the other side where Pansy was standing. He leaned over and wrapped his arm around her, giving her forehead a big smacking kiss as he grinned “Can’t I just want to see my favorite relative?”

“Alright you big girl,” Pansy snarked goodnaturedly, even as she cuddled closer into Adrian’s embrace, “tell the truth now.” Though they had always been affectionate with each other, they were also Slytherins and Pansy knew instinctively when somebody was trying to butter her up.

“How about I tell you over lunch?” Adrian said in an entirely too nonchalant voice. “Pick a restaurant, my treat.”

“How about you tell me now?” Pansy elbowed him and smirked as she heard the grunt.

Just as they were about to really descend into their Hogwarts personas, what with the pinching and the elbowing- the door opened again, admitting a beautiful blonde with Ron Weasley following behind her.

The blonde girl was gorgeous, tall and slender, with flawless skin and bright blue eyes- she almost glowed with an otherworldly sheen.

Weasley had a strange look on his face as he took in Pansy and Adrian’s warm embrace.

Pansy scowled, the overgrown ginger git was probably still on his Anti-Slytherin kick. He could just go kick himself in the arse if he was so adamantly against her. She lifted her chin in defiance and snuggled a little closer into Adrian’s warm hug.

“Veela,” Adrian whispered into Pansy’s ear as they watched the newcomers approach, “half, I think.”

Pansy looked down at her dayplanner, at the name next to the day’s first real appointment- Gabrielle Delacour and ---. The groom’s name was smudged badly, it looked like a splotch of ink had fallen on it, making it impossible to decipher the letters. Poor Vi must have gotten startled badly enough to drop her quill, she was usually extremely fastidious when it came to organization. No matter, Pansy lifted her wand and cast a silent Evanesco before carefully rewriting ‘Ron Weasley’ as Gabrielle Delacour’s future husband.

Pansy briefly wondered why she hadn’t heard anything about their engagement but shrugged it off as inconsequential, everyone knew about the animosity between her and Weasley, they probably thought that she wouldn’t care. And they were right. Sure, she and Weasley could tolerate each other but that was on very rare occasions. Most of the time, the two of them could be found screaming their heads off at one another, loudly and exuberantly.

“Hello and welcome to Crooked Events and Planning,” Pansy smiled at the blonde half veela, shoved Adrian off her, waving to him distractedly as he left.

She could have sworn that she heard swoons on the street as the handsome, pink haired Quidditch player exited into the light of day during Diagon Alley’s busiest time.

“I’m Pansy Parkinson,” she extended her hand to Gabrielle, “I’ll be helping you plan your wedding.”
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