Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Will crossover with Roosterteeth RvB and the Halo universe, Dogma, Jack Ryan 'verse and Stargate.
Spoilers for BtVS Halloween Ep onwards and Stargate Season 2 onwards.
Also includes spoilers for most of RvB.
Warning: Timelines are altered so that episodes line up with each other. Don't expect the year episode 2x12 of SG to be the same. There is enough vagueness in both shows that years are not mentioned merely alluded to. So I am shuffling them to fit in MY timeline... which is why we call it FANFICTION.
Bannar Art by Methos
Xander considered himself very lucky.
Then he was attacked by a vampire.
Xander reconsidered his definition of ‘lucky’.
Ok, so the vampire attack was ‘unlucky’, but he managed a decent dusting.
The lucky part was the wad of cash the vamp had dropped, about a grand all said and done. Not an unusual occurrence. Vampires stripped their victims of items of value and sometimes in a fight those things would fall out, God bless gravity.
Then came school.
Snyder had drafted the Scoobies as trick or treat chaperones.
Xander again reconsidered his definition of ‘lucky’.
But he now had money for a decent costume… and he saw the one in that new shop, ‘Ethan’s’. He WAS going to have that one.
Larry decided to make some less than polite comments about Buffy and Snyder decided that Xander deserved detention for it. Apparently jocks don’t do detention.
Xander considered he might need a new dictionary to establish the true definition of ‘lucky’.
He knew he wouldn’t have time to get to Ethan’s and get his costume, so he turned to Buffy and Willow who he knew were going.
“The one that says ‘Halo’, its HUGE and green, you can’t miss it. Here’s the money.”
“Were did you get this money?!” Willow demanded, she knew his parents barely fed him, his costumes were usually homemade.
“Vamp decided I looked tasty, I dusted him, he dropped the cash.” Xander shrugged.
“I thought we agreed you weren’t to go hunting alone!” Buffy admonished.
“Who was hunting?” Xander defended. “I was walking home and he came after me. Do you really think that all those vamp victims got that way ‘cause they were hunting them?”
“I suppose, just be careful.” Buffy allowed.
“I go to school on a Hellmouth… careful in this town is an oxymoron.”
“When did you get with the big words!” Buffy teased.
“Heard Giles use it the other day and looked it up.” Xander admitted sheepishly. “Look, can you just pick up the costume and bring it back here to the library before the kiddie herding?”
“Sure, go have fun in detention.” Buffy told him as they headed off.
“It’s grey.” Xander noted.
“Yeah, what’s your point?” Buffy asked confused.
“It’s not green.”
“Xander, I think that was covered by the ‘It’s grey’ comment you made.” Willow smirked.
“Yes Willow, but I said the ‘huge and green one’… not the ‘huge and grey one’.” Xander slumped in the chair at the library table and stared dejectedly at the ‘not green’ costume lying on the table.
“This was the only one with ‘Halo’ by it.” Buffy defended.
“I suppose I can’t blame you for that then… at least its still a quality costume.”
“Looks pretty cool to me, bet even Larry will be jealous.” Buffy said trying to cheer him up.
It was chaos, pure chaos.
He seemed to be on Earth, North American continent.
No one answered his command radio frequencies, and the local authorities kept telling him to clear the channel.
And then there were the monsters running around.
Ugly little critters the size of Grunts and bigger ones the size of Elites.
Fortunately he hadn’t come across anything of Brute size.
“Ok, is this hell?” Came a voice from inside his helmet.
“Church? Is that you?” He asked the disembodied voice.
“Yeah Wash, it’s me.” Was the response as an ethereal white image of a soldier in similar armour to his own appeared next to him.
“I thought you were in the Meta.” Wash said.
“I was, he was so nuts that it wasn’t really him in there, pretty much all the AI’s were holding him up.” Church explained. “We heard you hit the emp button and hightailed back to you.”
“It’s E – M – P!” Wash said in exasperation. “And what do you mean ‘we’?”
Church laughed nervously. “Well, when the rest of the AI’s thought I was the Alpha, did you really think they were gonna let me leave without them?”
“Church,” Wash growled suspiciously, “just how many AI’s did you drag into my head?”
“I dunno, haven’t had time for a head count.” Church shrugged. “I know Delta, Gary and O’Mally are in there.”
“Gamma and Omega?” Wash asked shocked. “Those two are practically evil!”
“Yeah, tell me about it… I had to spend 1000 years listening to Gary’s knock jokes.”
“Knock, Knock Church.” Said a synthetic voice.
“Shut up Gary!” Church groaned.
“Alright, enough!” Wash shouted. “We’ll deal with this later. Right now we have to figure out our situation. Have you been paying attention to what I’ve done so far?”
“Yeah, O’Mally and Gary said they’ll watch the comm. lines, Delta says he is picking up a weird set of energy readings from nearby and another set from further away.” Church informed him.
“Fine, we’ll head to the smaller reading first and then to the larger one. It might be an outpost of some kind.” Wash decided as he checked his HUD map. “And why do I have a map of this place in my helmet?”
“Some guy named Sigma hacked the Internet and satellites, says he has all the information on this place and free access to some really hot porn sites.”
“Sigma? That sex crazed lunatic! Tell him to focus on finding out more about this town… and I don’t mean the location of the nearest strip joints.” Wash complained.
“It’s a costume shop.” Church stated disbelievingly.
“That doesn’t matter. At the moment all I care about is the energy readings coming from inside the costume shop
.” Wash declared.
“Fine, what’s the plan? Go in and kill everything that moves? Use your megaphone thing and demand their surrender? Lob a couple of grenades through the window?” Church asked.
“Oh, go for the first one, I like that one!” Came the diabolical tones of O’Mally.
“Shut up Omega.” Wash admonished the tyrannical AI. “I was thinking we might try the doorbell.”
Church sighed. “Fine, lets do things your way.”
30 seconds later…
“So, you wanna try knocking or…” Church asked as Wash walked through the glass door. “Ok, this is good too.”
“Hello?” Wash called out. “Anybody here?”
“Yes, can I help you?” Ethan asked as he came out from the back room, still dressed in ceremonial robes. “Or maybe you can help me as you seem to have destroyed my store front.”
“Yeah, we did ring the bell but there was no answer.” Wash responded. “I’m kinda lost and can’t get in contact with my command, my readings indicate an energy source from this building. Do you know anything about that?”
“Yes, the source of my spell is out back, it’s probably what has brought you here. Figured I’d have some fun, it being Halloween and all.” Ethan didn’t bother lying, the spell was soon to finish and sometimes truth was the best way to bring about chaos.
“Spell? As in magic?” Wash asked incredulously. “There’s no such thing.”
“Oh, I assure you there is… in this world, magic, demons, ghosts –“
“AHA!” Cried Church as he formed next to Wash. “I told you I was a ghost!”
“Oh my, aren’t you an unlucky one, haunted by a personal ghost.” Ethan chuckled.
“He is NOT a ghost! He’s an AI, just like the rest of his friends stuck in my head.” Wash argued. “If I don’t get them back to command and out of my head soon they’ll drive me nuts.”
“No problem Wash, the guys already said they’d stay dormant till their needed. No reason for you to go postal.” Church assured him.
“Trust me, that’s not the only way you lot drive me nuts.” Wash said pointedly.
Church just grumbled quietly about ungrateful Freelancers.
“Look, sir,” Wash said turning back to Ethan, “do you know how I can get back in contact with the UNSC command HQ?”
“Well – “ Ethan began but stopped as Wash suddenly bought his weapon to bear on the shop door.
“There is an incoming entity, moving slowly.” Wash said quietly.
Giles carefully stepped over the threshold and remains of the broken door. Willow had frantically run through his library wall babbling about everything. He eventually got the story out of her, which led him here, to a shop with his old friends name and a broken storefront door.
“Xander? Is that you?” He asked the armoured figure as he recognised the costume from the library.
“Sorry sir, names Agent Washington, UNSC Freelancer.” He informed him.
“Ethan, I knew it was you, this madness has your style and finger marks all over it.” Giles snarled ignoring the Spartan as he spotted the culprit.
“Really? What gave me away? Was it my name over the shop?” He asked flippantly.
“Sirs please, I really need to get in contact with my superiors.” Wash pleaded.
“Ethan, end the spell or I’ll make you end it.” Giles threatened.
“Fine, bust is in the back, just go and break it. I had my fun after all.” Ethan sighed.
As Giles marched out back Ethan quietly began casting an enchantment on the oblivious armoured figure. ‘That ought to keep dear Ripper busy.’ He thought to himself as he quietly exited the building as a blinding light flashed from the back room and Wash staggered.
“There now Ethan-“ Giles began as he exited the back room.
“Giles? That you?” Xander asked.
“Xander? Thank goodness your back.” Giles exclaimed. “It would appear that slimy weasel has run off. Never mind, lets get back to the library where the girls are.”
“Erm, Giles… I think I have a problem.” Xander said worriedly. “I can’t figure out how to get my helmet off and I can still see the HUD on this thing.”
“Heads Up Display, basically means lots of information like a computer screen. This wasn’t here when I put the suit on at the library.” Xander explained.
“I have released the locking mechanism on the helmet and you should now be able to remove it.” Came a calm disembodied voice.
“I heard it too lad… hello? Who’s there?”
“I am Delta, one of the AI’s currently contained in the implants of this armour’s bearer.”
“Huh?” Was Xander’s eloquent reply.
“He said we’re the ones stuck inside you head.” Church said as he appeared before them.
“Oh My Lord.” Giles exclaimed as Xander pulled the helmet off and the vacuum seals released with a hiss.
Giles and Xander made their way back to the Library. They were largely unnoticed due to the chaos left over from the night’s activities.
As they made their way down the school corridors Giles noticed that despite the obvious size, weight and composition of Xander’s new armour, it was surprisingly stealthy as the only footfalls heard were his.
They entered the library to find Willow, Angel, Cordelia and Buffy sitting around the table.
Buffy appeared disgusted at something and was staring at the wig that came with her costume as if it was going to attack her.
Willow kept checking her pulse and tapping the table.
Cordelia was ranting away about the injustices of being associated with the group.
And Angel was looking rather lost as he glanced between the three.
“Xander!” Came the squeal of relief as Willow rushed to hug her best friend. “OW!” Came the cry as she smacked into Xander’s armoured chest.
“Ah, careful Wills this thing is pretty tough.” He warned.
“Xander where were you?” Buffy asked worriedly. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah Buff, my ‘possessor’ got caught up in an argument with… someone. Wound up meeting Giles at the costume shop.”
“Erm, Xander, that’s not the costume we got at the shop.” Willow noticed.
“What, no one else’s costumes stayed real?”
There was a general shaking of heads.
“I saw a couple of Stormtroopers, gladiators and a Gandalf and their costumes and props had reverted to normal.” Angel informed them. “Yours is the only one not to revert.”
“I wonder what happened.” Willow murmured.
“I believe I have a theory as to what happened.” Delta said as he projected himself onto the table.
“GHOST!” Screamed Cordelia as she backed away, Buffy began searching for weapons.
“STOP!” Shouted Giles freezing everyone. “It’s just Delta, part of Xander’s… armour.
“Actually I am an AI, an Artificial Intelligence Unit.” Delta commented.
“That is sooo cool!” Willow exclaimed. “Like Cortana!”
“Delta, what is the theory you had?” Giles asked.
“Prior to the ending of the ‘spell’, whilst Agent Washington was in control of Xander, the armours recording sensors noticed that the costume shop proprietor was making various hand gestures and speaking quietly whilst Mr. Giles was destroying the bust.” He reported.
“Giles was destroying breasts?” Buffy asked in confusion.
“A bust Buffy,” Giles sighed in exasperation, “a statue of a head and shoulders.” He said gesturing on himself.
“Ohhhh… oh.” She gave an embarrassed and sheepish grin.
Giles pinched the bridge of his nose; it had been a long night.
“Delta, can you display or replay the events? Without sound though… we don’t need inadvertent spells being cast.” He asked.
“Of course, if Xander would place his helmet on the table I will begin replay.”
The group crowded round the table. There was a gasp as the 3D holographic images were displayed showing clearly what Ethan was up to. There was also a very quiet remark by Buffy at one point of “Ohhhh… a bust.” At which point she turned beet red.
“Well, that explains it, Ethan altered the spell on you specifically, probably just as a way to get at me.” Giles looked at Xander apologetically. “I’m sorry Xander, I never would have wished this on you. I’m afraid I can’t reverse the spell, the magic is far too powerful. We will try and help you adjust.”
“Thanks Giles.” Xander said. “There is one VERY important thing though.” He said seriously.
They all leaned forward expectantly.
“Can we please get this armour off, I really need to pee!”
Twenty minutes later with some heavy lifting assistance from Angel and Buffy and directions from Delta, Xander was hot-footing it to the toilets.
Thirty seconds later sounds of ecstasy were heard echoing down the hall.
Xander returned to the library to the sound of snickering and several smirks.
“I make no apologies… that was a very… relieving experience.” Xander punned as the rest groaned.
“You are aware that the MJOLNIR armour has a built in sanitation system?” Delta queried from the centre of the table where he was projected.
“Huh?” Xander eloquently asked.
“I believe he’s saying that you could have relieved yourself in your suit.” Giles supplied.
“Huh?” Buffy responded.
“He said I can poop in ma’ suit.” Xander grinned as Buffy’s face twisted in disgust.
“Moving swiftly on from this disturbing topic…” Giles interrupted. “We were discussing the best place to hide your armour and for you to use it.” He told Xander. “Delta has informed us that it is genetically encoded to you, so only you can use it.”
“Well that sucks, Buff could use the extra protection when out at night.” Xander pouted.
Buffy blushed at Xander’s concern for her well-being. But over the past year she had realised that Xander always put Willow, Giles and her safety first.
“Thanks Xander, but I know you were just to kind to point out I’d never fit.” She said with a grin.
“Damn!” Xander said theatrically. “How could I miss that opening!”
Buffy responded by throwing her wig at him.
“Anyway, I believe we should store it at my house for now.” Giles said. “It is advanced technology and I don’t trust the security here at the school.”
“If that is the case I suggest that you remove the storage slate from the back of the armour’s helmet as it will enable us to aid you without the armour.” Delta suggested.
After a minute or so of checking Xander and Willow were able to locate and detach the AI storage slate.
“I believe it would be best if we went out into the desert for you to train in your armour Xander. If anyone were to see you in it, it could cause complications and questions.” Giles said. “I believe we should consider you and your armour a weapon of last resort for when a slayer and stake may not be enough.”
There was a general consensus of agreement around the room.
“How are we gonna hide the fact that Xander is… buff?” Willow asked.
“He’s me?” Buffy asked rather dumbly.
“I believe she means that he his rather muscular now, compared to his usual sleight frame.” Giles said.
“Oh, yeah. You are built pretty well now… huh, never noticed that you’re a whole lot taller!” Buffy said in horror. “I am gonna have such a sore neck!” She wailed.
“I am?” Xander asked looking at himself.
“Spartan recruits are required to undergo various enhancements to their bodies in order to use the MJOLNIR armour.” Delta explained. “Xander is now stronger than the average human, his bone density is vastly increased and he has various implants to allow him to connect to the armour… or transport an AI in his head.”
Xander started frantically checking his limbs and legs.
“The implants are sub-cu – under the skin, they work via non-wired technologies this prevents damage and the need for cleaning.” Delta assured him, dumbing it down as it was obvious that he wouldn’t understand the science.
“But I’ve still got a computer in my brain?” Xander asked fearfully.
“Nobody is to scan books into the computers!” Xander said fearing another Moloch incident.
“He’s gonna need new clothes.” Cordelia commented.
Everyone turned to stare at Xander again.
At over 6ft tall and standing in a set of gym shorts and t-shirt he had nicked when he hit the head, it was obvious that whilst not necessarily the tallest in the school, he would stand out.
Cordelia sighed theatrically. “Meet me here tomorrow and we’ll sort out a new wardrobe. I refuse to let you damage my eyes with those things you call clothes. Hopefully we can pick things that will make your height less noticeable.”
“Very well, it has been a very long night, so if Buffy and Xander could help me get the armour secured at my home, and Angel if you could see Willow and Miss Chase safely home, I believe we should all get some rest and meet tomorrow afternoon after Xander and Cordelia’s shopping trip.” Giles declared as he rose.
And with that the meeting ended, Willow and Buffy giving Cordelia’s new dress up doll pitying looks.