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Summary: In response to Challenge 2906, Soap-Opera Family. Buffy, Xander and Willow discover just how soapy their lives can be.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Characters: Jack O'NeillMissEFR15616,2632317935,42426 Oct 1029 May 11No

Tally Ho! AKA Meeting the Goa'uld

Disclaimer: Don't own or claim rights to Buffy or Stargate


In which... Oh, you figure it out!


“What I want to know is why Sam had to pick on me,” Xander whined.

“Well,” Buffy tilted her head in though, “it's probably because you're so good at the contact magic, which she wanted to study.”

Willow nodded. “Yep. Well, that, or the fact that you're so much like Jack, yet you can't do anything if she treats you like a guinea pig.”

Xander scowled at his sisters. “And if I told Jack?” he demanded.

“He'd tell you to suck it up, and be a man,” Jack smirked as he entered the room. “Also known as the 'better you than me' syndrome.”

Xander snorted. “Great. I'm being punished for my father's misbehaviour,” he pouted, though he could feel the smile trying to peek out.

“Oh, no,” Jack shook his head. “I get the feeling that she was picking on you for your own sake. Everyone keeps saying how much you take after me. Seems like you're just as good at pissing people off as I am.” He stopped and wiped a fake tear from his eye. “A chip off the old block, son,” he murmured faux-proudly.

Xander smirked. “You just remember that next time you want to ground me, okay?”

Jack rolled his eyes, but didn't bother to conceal his grin. He'd lost his son, his only child, horribly, years ago. Now he had not just a son, but two beautiful and intelligent daughters. This, he decided, was his ultimate payback for having to deal with the Goa'uld, and other pains in the neck. Of course, the universe got its own back for inflicting his DNA on it in the form of a son just like him, and two beautiful daughters to protect from the ravening horde … uh … other men.


It was a fairly large group that had assembled in the Gate Room. Apart from SG1, there were Jack's three children, a girlfriend, and a mentor, who was fidgeting uncomfortably with the strap of his helmet.

“I'm not entirely sure why my presence is required,” Giles muttered, scowling.

“You're here to keep Danny company,” Jack smirked as he moved past and up the ramp, Xander beside him.

Xander stopped at the base of the ramp, and looked around the large room. “Huh,” he muttered. “Would you look at that?”

“Look at what?” Jack asked, curious.

“I'm you,” Xander grinned. “No, really, look at us.” Xander nodded to the women at the Event Horizon. “You've got Carter, I've got Willow.” He turned to look back at the two groups behind them. “Giles is my Danny, and Buffy is my Teal'c. That makes me you.”

Jack looked around at the group, and began to chuckle. “Damn if you aren't right,” he admitted. Then, raising his voice, he went on. “Okay, campers, time to get this show on the road.” With that, he slung his arm across his son's shoulders, and led him up the ramp.


They arrived in a sunny, well-lit clearing. The air was absurdly clean, and the area quiet.

“Well?” Jack demanded of his son.

Xander made a face. “Trees,” he decided, nodding. “Lots of 'em.”

Behind their backs, Danny put his hand out to receive a bill from Sam, along with a hissed, “You told him, didn't you?” Danny simply grinned, shook his head, and adjusted his pack before setting out towards the path visible in the tree-line.

Sam settled her pack as well, then said, “Well, this should be a nice quiet trip. It's not like they get any Goa'uld here.” She immediately felt four pairs of eyes glare at her.

“Carter,” Jack whined. “I can't believe you did that!”

“I thought you were finished torturing me,” Xander whined.

“You have totally jinxed us,” Willow added, in a matching tone.

Now can we get some weapons?” Buffy added, a touch petulantly.

“You've got weapons,” Jack argued. “Not only has General Hammond has been incredibly generous even letting you come here, but he also gave you zats, which do have to be returned, just so you know.”

“Yeah, but…” Buffy began, pouting, as she pulled out the alien weapon.

“Right,” Jack began, and he quickly and carefully explained the weapon, bringing big smiles to each of his children.

“And these have to go back?” Xander asked, trying out the puppy dog eyes.

“Yes, Xander, they do,” Jack confirmed.

“Ah, darn it to heck,” Xander grumbled.

Jack snorted, knowing his son wasn't really that upset.


Xander looked around the cell, then looked at Sam. “You owe me a box of Twinkies,” he decided.

“I what?” Sam asked, tearing herself away from the lock.

“You jinxed us, and you won't let me play with the lock. Therefore you owe me a box of Twinkies,” Xander nodded.

“You did jinx us, Carter,” Jack agreed. “And you won't let him play with the lock.”

“It's not Ancient technology, it's Goa'uld,” Sam defended.

Xander raised an eyebrow. “Seeing that I've never touched Ancient tech, that I know of,” he added conscientiously, “that's not really a valid point.”

“Fine,” Sam huffed, stepping back from the door. “Help yourself.”

Sam frowned, worried, when she saw the look on Xander's face. Yes, that was, without doubt, the look that worried Buffy, and the reason the young man wasn't allowed to play with explosives. Jack, either, for that matter. Jack was just better at hiding it, that was all. Xander hovered at the door of the cell, obviously trying to decide which way he should go.

“Just blow the damn thing up,” Jack scowled. “You know you want to.”

Xander flashed a blinding smile at his father. “Yeah, but I kind of thought that maybe I should do something a little more discrete. You know, like just telling it to unlock.”

Dissero,” Giles offered.

“I know that,” Xander pouted. “But what's the fun in that?”

“We get out of here?” Buffy tried.

“Fine,” Xander huffed, then placed his hands on the front and back of the locking mechanism, and whispered the word. They heard the click, and Xander pulled the door open. “Still think I should have blown the whole thing up,” he muttered.

“I know, son,” Jack consoled, patting his shoulder. “Tell you what, when we get home, I'll take you out to Area 51, and we'll play with some stuff.”

“Dear God,” Giles murmured as Sam shuddered, closed her eyes, and whimpered.


Buffy wrinkled her nose as she gazed after the troop walking away from their hiding place. “Has no one ever suggested that wearing metal over-shoes on a metal deck really isn't a good idea?” she asked.

“Are you going to tell them?” Sam demanded.

“Well, no,” Buffy frowned.

“There you go, then. Besides, it's not like they have a whole lot of enemies, aside from each other. And they all wear pretty much the same thing. You know, just change things like cobra head-gear for Apophis, because he had a snake as his symbol, something else for a different 'god'.”

“Yeah, but … stealth,” Buffy tried.

“Not a concept they've really cottoned onto,” Sam shook her head. “Nor,” she added, frowning at the smaller blonde, “do we want them to.”

Buffy blinked. “Well, no,” she agreed, the 'well, duh' not quite so hidden in her voice. “A dumb villain is a good villain.”

“So why are we discussing ways to make them smarter?” Sam asked, eyebrows raised.

“Uh … we shouldn't?” Buffy tried.

“Precisely,” Sam agreed cordially.


Willow peered over at the Goa'uld attending to some business the other end of the room. “And all of a sudden, Amy's rat spell is looking pretty good.”

“Rat spell?” Danny asked, curiosity piqued.

“Amy turned me into a rat, then, later, ratted herself,” Buffy explained.

“To be fair,” Giles offered, “they were trying to burn you three at the stake.”

“They what?” Danny hissed, outraged.

Buffy shrugged. “It was a demon thing. Hansel and Gretel? Not so nice when you get to know them.”

“Hansel and Gretel are demons?” Danny asked, stunned.

“Yep,” Buffy nodded. “That was one of their games. They rile the villagers up so they go on a witch hunt.”

Willow sniggered. “'MOO',” she grinned.

Buffy scowled at her half-sister. “Not. Funny.”

“Oh, yes,” Giles grinned, remembering. “That was your mother's idea, wasn't it?”

“'MOO'?” Danny asked.

“'Mothers Opposed to the Occult,'” Giles explained. “We had book burnings, and locker searches, and, of course, the obligatory witch burning.”

“I wasn't even a witch,” Buffy grumbled.

“You tried to burn Jack's daughters at the stake?” Danny asked, horrified.

“Oh, no,” Willow hurriedly assured him. “Giles was unconscious during all the attempted burning-at-the-stake. Oh, hey,” she went on excitedly, turning to Buffy, “speaking of rattings, do you think Xander's magic is the reason the love spell went kablooey?”

“Love spell?” Danny asked. He really had to stop this. He was a language arts specialist, and a diplomat for the SGC. Surely he could do more than just repeat random words.

Buffy nodded. “Cordelia dumped Xander on Valentines Day, so he got Amy to cast a love spell on her, except if backfired, and all the women in Sunnydale fell in love with him.”

“Obsessively in love,” Giles clarified when he thought Danny wasn't fully understanding the situation. “Several witches, a Slayer, and all of the women in Sunnydale were chasing him. They were also very upset with Cordelia for hurting him like that.”

Danny's eyes widened at the implications.

“Oh, and a vampire,” Willow added. “Apparently Drusilla asked Xander how he felt about eternity.”

The Sunnydale group collectively shuddered at the thought of a vamped Xander.

“I didn't go for it,” Xander countered. “Obviously.”

“Right,” Jack decided. “Can we stop talking about my son, the vampire Lothario, and see about getting out of here?”

“Too late,” Willow announced.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Jack muttered. They'd spent so much time talking about rattings and witch burnings, and love spells, that the Goa'uld had noticed their escape. He was about to tell his team to cover the civilians, when he noticed that Buffy, Xander and Giles had formed up to provide cover for Willow and Tara, who were holding hands and beginning to chant. Buffy had managed to acquire a second zat from somewhere, and was ambidextrously picking off the enemy. He shook his head, and began to finish what his children had begun.

Unfortunately, they'd been so occupied with the Jaffa in front of them, that another group had managed to come up from behind, and zatted them into unconsciousness.


“How in hell did they sneak up on us?” Jack demanded.

“The author got stuck?” Xander offered, looking nervously at the Gou'ald heading their way.

“Huh?” Sam asked intelligently.

“Assuming, of course, that we're the products of the delusions of a raving fan-girl,” Willow nodded.

Jack assumed a sour look. “And what if this is real life?”

“Then we obviously weren't paying attention, and we're in the deep doo-doo,” Xander nodded helpfully.

“Did your mothers contribute any genetic material at all?” Sam asked, exasperated.

“Well, I certainly didn't get her height,” Buffy grumbled.

“And your colour needs a little more help than hers does,” Willow added.

“Hey!” Buffy protested.

“No!” Xander scowled at his sisters. “We are not having the colour debate. Again. You both like to 'spice things up,' we all know, so don't bother trying to deny it. Besides,” he added, grimacing at the alien glaring at them, “we've kind of got other things to worry about right now, don't you think?”

Willow and Buffy both shrugged sheepishly at the others.

“Well, well, well,” the gaudy Goa'uld sneered. “What have we here? SG1, and 'honoured' friends? Oh, I shall be so rewarded when I hand you over to Anubis. And I do not think I shall enjoy using the sarcophagus so much as I shall during your … wait.”

“Oh God,” Xander muttered to Willow. “Evil Overlord List, number 6.”

Willow bit her lip to hold in the snickers, but Xander's little contribution to the conversation hadn't gone unnoticed.

Xander grit his teeth as the alien lifted him by his shirt. “You know, if you cackle, and tell me you'll get me, and my little dog, too, I'll…”

“You'll what, Tau'ri scum?” the Goa'uld sneered.

“I'll do this,” Xander smirked as he reached up and grabbed the arm holding him up. “Depello vermis,” he snarled, and the Goa'uld jerked back, screaming, before he slumped to the floor. Wriggling sluggishly on the floor not far from the body was the Goa'uld itself. Xander stared at if for a long second before he stomped down hard on it

SG1 and friends looked from the downed host, to the smeared Goa'uld, to Xander, and back again.

“And that means … ?” Jack asked.

Xander looked up at his father, and grinned. “Expel worm. Better than worming medicine,” he chirped. Then he thought about what he'd said, and made a face. When his sisters hit him, he said nothing, but accepted it as his due punishment.

“Yes, well,” Giles began. “Now that that's done, perhaps we might consider going home?”

“Home, yes,” Xander agreed. “Home is of the good. Problem with that is…” Xander trailed off as he waved his hand to the remaining Jaffa.

“Your god is dead,” Jack declared in a loud voice. “Behold the god-killer. Now just step aside so the god-killer and his, uh,” Jack faltered.

“Minions,” Xander hissed.

“Oh, you are so paying for that,” Buffy hissed back.

Jack cleared his throat. “And his minions can leave.” When the Jaffa didn't seem inclined to take Jack up on his offer, he went on. “Or, you know, you can just stay here, and see what the god-killer can do to you. Or, better yet, I'm pretty sure his minions are upset enough to try taking it out on you. And you really don't want them to do that. Any of you got girlfriends? Wives? You know what I'm talking about.”

“Sir!” Sam hissed, wishing she could hit him in public.

The Jaffa, however, considered Jack's words, and observed the two women either side of the so-called god-killer. The smaller, fairer one was obviously angry, and had her little hands clenched into tiny fists, yet even the shol'va was making certain to keep his distance. The red-haired on one the other side was even more disturbing, especially now that she had somehow produced two fireballs hovering above her open hands.

As one, the Jaffa parted, and allowed SG1 and minions, uh, friends to depart. They remained unaccosted as they made their way back to the Gate, opened the wormhole, and returned to Earth.

General Hammond considered the group as they walked down the ramp from the Gate, and sighed. He could see signs of a tussle on various members of the group. “How was your trip?” he asked, hoping against hope.

“Not bad,” Jack nodded. “Of course, Sam had to jinx us, and we got caught, but the universe is now one Goa'uld less than it used to be, and my son is now the god-killer,” he grinned. “Oh, did anyone get the name of the snake Xander smeared?” He looked around at the group. “Anyone?”

General Hammond sighed. He was not looking forward to the mission debrief or reports.


For the Evil Overlord's List, see

The End?

You have reached the end of "Soap Opera Scoobies" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 29 May 11.

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