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It’s a Stretch

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Summary: I've seen far too many stories where squealing fangirls (You know who you are!) try and pair Xander with Angelus. So I decided to try and write a couple of scenes were they actually got along.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR1846,904149015,2702 Nov 1028 Sep 13No

Angel and Xander: Parker? I Hardly Knew Her!

Angel was surprised to see Xander when he stepped out of his office. "Xander? What's wrong? Is Buffy ok?"

"It's nice to see your heart is in the right place, if not in the right condition," Xander replied. "Buffy is physically fine, but emotionally...not so much. She fell for a line from one of those scumbags who likes to try and sleep with all of the incoming Freshmen and then dump them."

Angel winced like he'd been hit. "Well...It's her life," he finally said. "I don't know what I can do about it. I mean, sure I'd like to kill the guy, but cutting off his head and burying him in a shallow grave in the desert between here and Sunnydale is probably over-reacting."

Xander's mouth opened and closed several times without him saying anything as he got a thoughtful look on his face. After a moment, he shook his head. "Let's use that for Plan B."

"We can't just kill a guy for being scum," Angel said with a sigh. "If he was a serial rapist it'd be a different matter, but from the sound of it, you're just talking about a guy with lousy morals who is smooth with women and preys on the young and naive ones."

"Yes," Xander agreed, holding back a comment about Angel that sprang to mind. "However, I'm not talking about harming the guy physically; I'm talking about playing a little prank."

"A prank?" Angel asked dubiously.

"One that requires you to be an FBI agent assigned to the Center for Disease Control and get shot and die," Xander replied.

"I'm listening," Angel said.



Angel straightened his tie and made sure his ID badge was in his pocket. It felt strange to pretend to be an FBI agent when he had actually been one in the past, he thought to himself.

"You look fine," Xander assured him. "And, there's Parker now."

Angel looked over at the young Lothario and froze. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have any brothers, do you?"

"No, why?"

"Because...never-mind." If no-one had commented on how much Parker looked like Xander, Angel sure as hell wasn't touching that hornet's nest.



"I swear, I didn't know!" Parker swore.

Angel just shook his head as he drug Parker down the sidewalk handcuffed to his left arm. "I don't judge them, I just arrest them."

"Hard to believe there was someone like that here," Xander said as everyone watched in silence.

"Like what?" one of the drunken frat boys asked.

"That G-man was from the CDC," Xander said loudly just in case someone at the party hadn't heard Angel when he'd ‘arrested’ Parker.

"What's the CDC?" someone asked.

"The Center for Disease Control," Xander said with a sigh, deciding he had to spell things out for them. "It means Parker had some serious STDs and was deliberately passing them around."

"Oh God!"

As panic spread through the frat, Xander walked away whistling a cheerful tune, job done.



"Where are you taking me?" Parker asked, sure they were walking in circles around the campus, as people pointed and stared at him.

"Forgot where I parked," Angel lied, deciding enough of the campus had seen Parker in handcuffs and that Xander was probably in position by now. "A shortcut," Angel said, pulling him down the path into the park.

Parker looked around nervously, not sure why walking through the park made him nervous, but subconsciously knowing it was a bad idea.

"Freeze!" a voice called out of the darkness.

Angel drew his gun with his right hand. "Who are you? Show yourself! I'm a Federal Agent in pursuit of his duties. Interfering with me is a federal crime."

The click of a gun being cocked was loud in the darkness. "He broke my little sister's heart," Xander called out in a fake Italian accent.

"Oh God!" Parker whined from behind Angel. A shot rang out and Angel screamed and clutched his shoulder as blood spattered Parker's face.

Parker shat himself.

Angel clawed at his keys with his free hand, quickly uncuffing Parker from him. "I'll hold him off, you run!" he ordered.

There was a loud crack as a bullet went through Angel's chest. Angel dropped limply to the ground, eyes wide and staring at nothing.

Parker ran like the hounds of hell were after him.

After a couple of seconds, Angel got up. "I think that did it."

"If not, the infected blood I injected him with while he was passed out this morning should be enough," Xander said, stepping out of the shadows.

"What?" Angel asked.

"I injected him with blood infected with Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia," Xander replied.

"Then, what was all this about?" Angel asked, rubbing at the still healing hole in his chest.

"Adding insult to injury, and it insures he doesn't spread it around before getting treated. With the rumors flying around, he's going to have to move to Alaska to get laid."

"And, that I can get behind," Angel said with some satisfaction. "Now, let's get me back to LA before we run into Buffy or Willow and have to explain things."

"I'll drive," Xander replied.

AN: Typing by Lucilla!

The End?

You have reached the end of "It’s a Stretch" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 28 Sep 13.

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