The Dead Wizard Sketch
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The Dead Parrot sketch belongs to the Monty Python and the characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I’m just playing around with them.
AN: Finally another bit for my Monty Python collection. I hope you like it. Please leave a review.
The Dead Wizard Sketch
ACT I, Scene I
The setting: Weasley's Wicked Witches and Wizards for all Occasions, Diagon Alley
(Draco Malfoy walks into the shop dragging behind him a bag – a pale, claw like hand is hanging out of it. George Weasley is bending behind the till)
DM: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(GW does not respond)
DM: Hello, Miss?
GW: What do you mean ‘Miss’?
DM: Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. Anyway, I wish to register a complaint.
GW: We’re closing for lunch.
DM: Never mind that, my good man. I wish to complain about this Dark Wizard I bought from this shop not an hour ago.
GW: Oh yes, the Voldemort. What’s wrong with him?
DM: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him – he’s dead.
WG: Oh, uh… he’s just resting.
DM: Look, I know a dead wizard when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.
GW: No, no, he’s just resting. Remarkable wizard, the Voldemort. Wonderful spell work.
DM: The spell work doesn’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.
GW: No, I’m telling you, he’s just resting.
DM: Well, if he’s resting then I’ll wake him up. (kicks Voldemort) Voldemort! Wakey wakey! There’s a nice group of muggles for you to kill when you wake up.
(GW shots a quick spell at the corpse)
GW: There, he moved.
DM: No he didn’t. That was you firing a spell at him.
GW: I never!
DM: Yes, you did!
GW: I never did anything…
DM: (yelling and kicking the corpse repeatedly) VOLDY! Wake up, Voldemort! VOLDY!!! There’re muggles to be killed!
(shoots a final curse at the corpse)
DM: That’s what I call a dead Dark Wizard.
GW: No, he’s just stunned.
GW: Yes, you stunned him just as he was waking up. Voldemorts stun easily.
DM: Now look here, mate, I’ve had enough of this. That wizard is definitely dead and when I purchased him you assured me that his complete lack of movement was due to him being tired after a long night of torturing muggles.
GW: He can’t be dead – he was standing on a cart when you took him.
DM: Ah, yes. I took the liberty of examining that cart and I realized that the only reason he had been standing on it was that he was petrified and glued on it.
GW: Well of course he was petrified – otherwise he’d be out of the shop in a second and VOOM.
DM: ‘VOOM’? Mate, this Voldemort wouldn’t ‘voom’ if you filled his arse with a hundred pounds of Redbeards fire-crackers. He’s bleeding demised.
GW: No, no, he’s resting.
DM: He's not resting! He's passed on! This Voldemort is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't glued him to the cart he'd be pushing up the daisies! He’s off the twig! He's kicked the bucket; he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-VOLDEMORT!
GW: I guess I better replace him then.
(goes to the back room, DM turns towards the crowd)
DM: If you want to achieve anything in this country you’ve got to complain until you’re blue in the mouth.
(GW walks back into the room)
GW: I’m afraid we’re out of Voldemorts.
DM: I see, I see how it is.
GW: I’ve got some Saurons. Or a Wicked Witch of the East if you want.
DM: Do they kill muggles?
GW: Not really, no. Saurons are more into elves and hobbits and the Wicked Witch of the East doesn’t kill much of anything.
DM: Well it’s hardly replacement then, is it? Besides, Saurons are always losing their rings and Wicked Witches of the East are prone to having houses dropped on them.
GW: Look, I’ll make you a deal. If you go to my brother’s shop in Hogsmead he’ll replace your Voldemort.
DM: Your brother, eh… he reliable?
GW: Of course he is. No one I trust more than Fred.
(GW and DM spend some time arguing about Fred’s trust-worthiness. Suddenly Voldemort gets up)
V: I’ve had enough. AVADA KEDAVRA!
(DM and GW fall down dead. Voldemort dances out of the shop singing Like a Virgin for which he is soon beaten to death by a drunken Celine Dion fan)
AN2: I would like to apologise to any Celine Dion fans reading this story. I am not in any way supporting the belief that you are all drunken ruffians who go around attacking unsuspecting Dark Wizards.
AN3: I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think about it. And here’s a link to the sketch this is based on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE