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#1: The Larch

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Summary: A collection of ficlets based on Monty Python's sketches. I'm making it an open story - if anyone's inpired to write a Monty Python scene in any fandom, feel free to post it here.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > General > Ficlet Collections - OtherlothlorienFR1521,7840754910 Nov 1014 Mar 11No

NOTE: This chapter is rated FR13

The Dead Wizard Sketch

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The Dead Parrot sketch belongs to the Monty Python and the characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I’m just playing around with them.
AN: Finally another bit for my Monty Python collection. I hope you like it. Please leave a review.

The Dead Wizard Sketch

ACT I, Scene I

The setting: Weasley's Wicked Witches and Wizards for all Occasions, Diagon Alley

(Draco Malfoy walks into the shop dragging behind him a bag – a pale, claw like hand is hanging out of it. George Weasley is bending behind the till)

DM: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

(GW does not respond)

DM: Hello, Miss?

GW: What do you mean ‘Miss’?

DM: Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. Anyway, I wish to register a complaint.

GW: We’re closing for lunch.

DM: Never mind that, my good man. I wish to complain about this Dark Wizard I bought from this shop not an hour ago.

GW: Oh yes, the Voldemort. What’s wrong with him?

DM: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him – he’s dead.

WG: Oh, uh… he’s just resting.

DM: Look, I know a dead wizard when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.

GW: No, no, he’s just resting. Remarkable wizard, the Voldemort. Wonderful spell work.

DM: The spell work doesn’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.

GW: No, I’m telling you, he’s just resting.

DM: Well, if he’s resting then I’ll wake him up. (kicks Voldemort) Voldemort! Wakey wakey! There’s a nice group of muggles for you to kill when you wake up.

(GW shots a quick spell at the corpse)

GW: There, he moved.

DM: No he didn’t. That was you firing a spell at him.

GW: I never!

DM: Yes, you did!

GW: I never did anything…

DM: (yelling and kicking the corpse repeatedly) VOLDY! Wake up, Voldemort! VOLDY!!! There’re muggles to be killed!

(shoots a final curse at the corpse)

DM: That’s what I call a dead Dark Wizard.

GW: No, he’s just stunned.

DM: Stunned?

GW: Yes, you stunned him just as he was waking up. Voldemorts stun easily.

DM: Now look here, mate, I’ve had enough of this. That wizard is definitely dead and when I purchased him you assured me that his complete lack of movement was due to him being tired after a long night of torturing muggles.

GW: He can’t be dead – he was standing on a cart when you took him.

DM: Ah, yes. I took the liberty of examining that cart and I realized that the only reason he had been standing on it was that he was petrified and glued on it.

GW: Well of course he was petrified – otherwise he’d be out of the shop in a second and VOOM.

DM: ‘VOOM’? Mate, this Voldemort wouldn’t ‘voom’ if you filled his arse with a hundred pounds of Redbeards fire-crackers. He’s bleeding demised.

GW: No, no, he’s resting.

DM: He's not resting! He's passed on! This Voldemort is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't glued him to the cart he'd be pushing up the daisies! He’s off the twig! He's kicked the bucket; he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-VOLDEMORT!


GW: I guess I better replace him then.

(goes to the back room, DM turns towards the crowd)

DM: If you want to achieve anything in this country you’ve got to complain until you’re blue in the mouth.

(GW walks back into the room)

GW: I’m afraid we’re out of Voldemorts.

DM: I see, I see how it is.

GW: I’ve got some Saurons. Or a Wicked Witch of the East if you want.

DM: Do they kill muggles?

GW: Not really, no. Saurons are more into elves and hobbits and the Wicked Witch of the East doesn’t kill much of anything.

DM: Well it’s hardly replacement then, is it? Besides, Saurons are always losing their rings and Wicked Witches of the East are prone to having houses dropped on them.

GW: Look, I’ll make you a deal. If you go to my brother’s shop in Hogsmead he’ll replace your Voldemort.

DM: Your brother, eh… he reliable?

GW: Of course he is. No one I trust more than Fred.

(GW and DM spend some time arguing about Fred’s trust-worthiness. Suddenly Voldemort gets up)

V: I’ve had enough. AVADA KEDAVRA!

(DM and GW fall down dead. Voldemort dances out of the shop singing Like a Virgin for which he is soon beaten to death by a drunken Celine Dion fan)


AN2: I would like to apologise to any Celine Dion fans reading this story. I am not in any way supporting the belief that you are all drunken ruffians who go around attacking unsuspecting Dark Wizards.

AN3: I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think about it. And here’s a link to the sketch this is based on:

The End?

You have reached the end of "#1: The Larch" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 14 Mar 11.

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