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Summary: A collection of ficlets based on Monty Python's sketches. I'm making it an open story - if anyone's inpired to write a Monty Python scene in any fandom, feel free to post it here.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > General > Ficlet Collections - OtherlothlorienFR1521,7840754910 Nov 1014 Mar 11No

Self-defence... a bit differently

Disclaimer: I own nothing. We all know who owns Buffy and Angel. And the Self-defence class sketch belongs to Monty Python.

AN: I’ve been re-watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus and randomness happened. Please let me know what you think.
Also, I’m making this an open story. If anyone wants to post a Monty Python based scene about any fandoms they are more than welcome.

Summary: It's an exciting day at the Master's lair. The Scourge of Europe have come around for a visit and Master Spike has offered to give self-defence lessons to all the fledges. Everyone's lining up to learn how to defend themselves against... fresh fruit?


The room was charged with excitement. The fledges were looking around nervously and tried to appear calm and collected. Today Master Spike would be teaching them self-defence. Of course none of the fledges needed self-defence – they were just there to see other fledges be humiliated, honestly. They were vampires, they didn’t need to defend themselves against anything – the slayer herself would be unable to touch them. Still, it never hurt to see other fledges fight. And they could show them how it’s really done.
Thus appeased and sure of their own superiority they waited for Master Spike to make his appearance. And finally he did. He sauntered in the room, his coat billowing behind him.

“Hello, class.”

“Hello, Master Spike.”

“Today we will learn how to defend yourself against an enemy coming at you with fresh fruit.”

Suddenly the room was completely quiet. Did he just say…? Murmurs started to break out.

“Fresh fruit?”

“Did he just say-“

“I think he did.”

Spike smirked and waited for the murmuring to stop. He tried to look serious. It would be no good giving himself away. But really, did no one know Monty Python? Savage Yanks. No cultural education. Oh well, he’ll teach them.

One of the braver fledges hesitantly spoke.

“Excuse me, Master Spike, but did you just say that we need to learn to defend ourselves against fruit?”

“Of course,” said Spike matter-of-factly. “Now, bananas. You, Apricot.”

“My name’s April,” answered the fledge hesitantly.

“That’s what I said. Now, Apricot, attack me with this banana. Be as vicious as you like.”

April looked at the ripe banana in her hand.

“Go on then. Have at me.” Spike turned to the rest of his class. “Now, when faced with a banana laden foe, we must first take the banana from them. Then we eat the banana thus disarming our enemy. Now, attack me.”

April took a few hesitant steps towards the older vampire. He quickly stopped her.

“No, no, no. Hold the banana like this.” He corrected her hold until she brandished the banana like a knife. “Now scream!” She screamed. “Good. Now attack me. And really mean it this time.”

She ran at him with the banana raised high, screaming bloody murder. And was swiftly staked.

“Now that we have deposed of our foe, we eat the banana.”

Spike started eating the banana slowly, while the room erupted into outrage.

“You killed her!”

“You staked her dead!”

“You bastard!”

“She was attacking me with a banana!” defended Spike with fake indignation.

“Only because you told her to,” said one of the fledges. Spike turned to him.

“Look, I’m only doing my job. I have to teach you to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.”

“What about pointed sticks?”

“Shut up.”

“Well supposing somebody attacks you with a banana and you haven’t got a stake?” asked one of the fledges.

“Run for it.”

“What you couldn’t stand and scream for help?” asked one of the braver vampires sarcastically.

“Yeah, I’d like to see you do that with a pineapple down your windpipe.”

The fledges were getting more confused by the second.

“Now,” started Spike. “That’s the banana. Next: raspberries. Innocent looking bugger, isn’t it? You, Tin peach –“


“Whatever. Attack me with this raspberry.”


“Well why not?” sighed Spike.

“You’ll stake me.”

“I won’t.”

“You staked April,” argued Thomas.

“That was self-defence. Come on, I promise I won’t stake you.”

“Well throw the stake away,” demanded the other vampire.

“I haven’t got a stake.”

“Yes, you have. You staked April with it.”

“Oh,” Spike said sheepishly. “That stake.” He threw it away. “Now, attack me with that raspberry. Come on, be as vicious as you like.”

Thomas slowly crept towards Spike with the raspberry in his palm. Spike motioned to Dru and she sent a fireball into the vampire turning him and a few fledges around him to dust.

“Now, when somebody is attacking you with a raspberry, simply motion to Dru and she’ll sent a fireball into him.”

“Well what if Mistress Drusilla isn’t with you?”

“Well that’s planning, isn’t it? Forethought.”

The fledges finally decided they’ve had enough. Master Spike was asking them to defend themselves against fresh fruit. He killed all of the people he volunteered to demonstrate. Obviously he’d gone as nutty as Drusilla.

As one vampire they rushed the blonde. He smiled ferociously and pulled another stake from behind his back. A few minutes later he was surrounded by dust.

“The Master won’t be happy to see you’ve staked all his fledges,” commented Angelus from the door.

Spike stalked towards him with a feral smile. “Well maybe the next batch he makes will be smarter. And a bit more culturally educated.” He pushed Angelus into the wall pressing his erection into his sire.

“What’s this Childe? Coming at me with a banana in your pocket?” smirked the older vampire.

“You need to learn how to defend yourselves in these situations, Sire.”

“Oh I know how to defend myself just fine. First, you knock down your foe.” He forced his childe to the ground opening his fly.

“Then, I eat the banana.”

When the Master came to check to see how self-defence was going, all the found was half of the Scourge of Europe shagging on the floor while Drusilla sang “Always look on the bright side of life”. The fledges were nowhere to be seen. Oh well, he was tired of them anyway. He joined Dru for the chorus whilst admiring the floor show. It was good to be a Master.
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