Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and associated parties. Smurfs belong to Peyo (Pierre Culliford), Hanna Barbera Productions and probably a lot of other parties. Nothing recognizable in this story belongs to me, only this crazy idea (or maybe I've seen something similar and even it belongs to someone else). No money has been made by this and no money will ever be made by it.Warning:
If you read this, you will want your mind wiped. Or bleached. Or removed. You have been warned.
"Giles?" he heard Buffy's voice over the phone.
"Yes, what is it?" he was somewhat disturbed to be called at such hour, to say the least. He definitely wouldn't say he was angry at his slayer, because. He. Was. Never. Angry. With. Her. Never.
“I found a strangely mutilated corpse near the Restfield cemetery. This is something new, I think.”
“New? Why do you say that? What’s different?”
“Well, Giles, you know, Dawn made me watch some educational program lately and there were those small teeth-y fish, piñatas or something…”
“Piranhas I believe…” he paused to think. “By all means, go on, Buffy.”
“Well, anyway, those piñatas made those small teeth marks, lots of them, and they, like, ate cows whole. So this looks quite similar. In the mutilation sense, not the man being cow sense…” she babbled.
“Dear Lord,” Giles looked for his glasses, now lying on the bedside table, picked them up and started cleaning them, “you believe this is some form of small group demon, then?”
“What else could it be? Piñatas with legs?”
“Be careful then Buffy, I’ll start researching that as soon as I can in the morning.”
“Yeah, well, don’t expect me that early, I’ve got second shift and intend to sleep late. Bye,” and she hung up.
The research party did not provide any concrete results, or any results for that matter, and the next night found Buffy once again patrolling Sunnydale, now looking out for not only vamps, but also the mysterious piranha demons. No luck on both accounts for the last hour, which was strange, especially in the vamp department. There should be at least a lone fledgling hunting. And there were none.
A muffled scream made her run out of the cemetery and back into town streets, looking for its source. There was definitely something lurking in that dark alley she was approaching.
“..urf?” she heard a muffled sound, then some kind of scurrying. She rushed into the alley, only to find another mutilated body. This one apparently fresh… and under consumption just seconds ago. As she was examining the body, a sudden shape blocking the light from the faraway street lamps made her turn around.
“Who are you?” she asked the dark robed man with this hair.
“I could ask you the same thing, girl,” the man answered with some kind of European accent, “It is not safe here at night. Especially not now,” he gestured at the body.
“What do you know?” she eyed him suspiciously. He was not a bit surprised at the body and the kind of damage it suffered. He knew something.
“That is nothing to concern yourself with, girl, the matter must be handled by a professional.”
“Yeah,” she snorted, “I am Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I am the professional when it comes to this. Now spill,” she added darkly.
“And I am Gargamel, the Smurf Slayer,” the man answered darkly, “And as this is definitely the work of those little buggers, I am the professional here.”
“Hell no, I’ve been dealing with demons in this town for over five years now and no damn wanker” she tried to say it with Spike’s accent “will come to my hunting grounds and say…” she stopped, slowly looking behind the guys back. Something was not right here…
And sure enough, there was a literal horde of four inch tall, blue-and-white demons behind Gargamel. She looked up at him, and from his expression guessed he knew. And that there was a similar horde behind her back, deeper into the alley. She slowly took her stake from her pocked and held it in front of her.
“That will not help, you know,” the Smurf Slayer said, “the only way to deal with the horde is to kill Papa Smurf. The one with red splotches.”
A second after finishing the sentence the man dropped down the robe he was wearing, revealing a kind of chain armor underneath. And a mace. That would work better
, Buffy though as the man took it in his hand and rushed the smurfs in the entrance the alley. Likewise, she turned around and rushed the group deeper in.
“Smurf, smurf, smurf,” the hordes started in their direction, the sound distinct now as the mouths of the demons started chewing in anticipation, big teeth visible from far away. Demon piranhas indeed.
“Smurf…” the last of the demons stated, drawing its last breath before being splattered by Gargamel’s mace. The beasts became easier to fight once the Papa Smurf was killed, the attacks immediately became less coordinated and some smurfs even started fighting between themselves.
“Well, that was the kind of fun that isn’t,” Buffy stated looking at her bloodied clothes. Great, another outfit ruined. No money for food tomorrow
, she added just to herself.
“Of course it was,” Gargamel said simply, smirking.
“No, it wasn’t. My shoes are ruined and it is all your fault,” she turned to him, pointing an accusatory finger.
“That’s because you were playing with your pointy stick,” he said, also pointing a finger at her.
“How dare you diss Mr. Pointy!” she shouted, taking a step in his direction.
“How about why you are not equipped properly for what you do!” he also shouted, taking a step in her direction.
“What do you mean, not equipped. Mr. Pointy has served me well for over three years now!” another step.
“And it is not adequate to the task!” and another.
And suddenly they were in each other personal space. Buffy looked up at the face above her. The double Hs, as Faith called them, were already present. What the hell
, Buffy thought and kissed Gargamel. When he kissed back, she shoved him around to the wall, pinned him there and started ripping of his chainmail…
This is obviously season six, before Buffy started sleeping with Spike, it would not work in any other place. I challenge you to write a proper Buffy/Gargamel story. It may continue after this little encounter or you may simply start anew. Anyway, it is not necessarily Crack!Fic :P