: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series
, post-Not Fade Away
: m/m slash; femslash, threesome(m/m/f), language.Pairings
: Xander/Angel, Xander/Cordelia, Xander/Angel/Cordelia, Faith/Buffy; mentions of others. Nothing overt, except some kissing and fondling.Distribution
: Please ask first. Please do not screencap this story, save it to hard drives, exchange with others, or translate into other languages without written consent.Feedback
: Con-crit is always welcome; flames are ridiculed and put on display.Disclaimer
: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, lyrics, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Snippets of dialogue may be incorporated from the original canonical episode(s) and belong to their respective authors/creators. The original characters and plot are the property of the author(s). The author(s) is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended, nor should any be inferred. No profit is being made.Summary
: Cordelia, Xander, Angel, Lilah, and Harmony have a talk show. Oh, dear.* * * * *“And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the hosts of Our View is the Only One Which Matters: sweetie-pie pirate, Xander Harris; unicorn enthusiast and vampire, Harmony Kendall; Angel the Souled Vampire, who might become a real boy any day; officious bitch and resident ghost, Lilah Morgan; and the one, the only, Cordelia Chase: Seer, Princess, Higher Being, and cheerleader!”
Thunderous applause exploded in the television studio as the announced hosts trotted out from backstage.
Xander beamed winningly at the audience as Harmony skipped behind him, cradling a My Little Pony to which she had affixed a Bugle as a makeshift horn and emergency snack. Following her was Angel, dressed in black like a grim reaper, his face somewhere between a scowl and that of a deer caught in headlights. Lilah pranced along in a skirt even Ally McBeal would have blushed to have worn, as a sauntering Cordelia brought up the tail wearing an evening gown and a bejeweled tiara which was rumored to have been lost during the Bolshevik revolution.
The crew of five settled in their chairs behind a long table on the raised stage and fussed with their microphones. Angel slyly nipped from his flask, while Cordelia, noticing her bottled water wasn’t Evian, chucked it behind her and hit a grip in the head, even as a page rushed to deliver the proper, contracted beverage. Xander made notes on the card before him as Harmony tried to feed her fake unicorn a handful of Skittles. Lilah glared menacingly at them all.
“A brand new day! Let’s get to it!,” Xander chirped.
“What am I doing here?,” Angel demanded.
“You’re eye candy for the female audience,” Cordelia reminded him. “And the male audience. Just shut up and look broody.”
At these words, the audience roared its approval as both men and women screamed Angel’s name. The vampire bared his teeth before ducking his head.
“Take your shirt off,” Xander commanded.
Angel blinked. “Why?”
“Because we all want to see your hot body!,” the boy screamed, wiping away drool.
Shrugging, Angel ripped his sweater in half and tossed it over his shoulder as the audience shrieked with approval.
“Much better,” Xander purred.
Angel gave him a shy smile.
Cordelia huffed. “Geez. Didn’t the two of you just get through having your gay sex?"
Xander looked at her blankly. “What’s your point?"
“I don’t have one, which almost never happens. I just want everyone to know that you two are boinking. It’s good publicity, and might even bring us a twenty share.”
“That makes sense,” her boys acknowledged, nodding.
Another round of applause.
Harmony canted her unicorn across the desk, making soft neighing sounds.
Lilah looked at her with disdain. Then she looked at everyone with disdain, before turning her head toward the camera and sneering.
“Welcome to another episode of my enormously successful show,” she demurred. “I’m Lilah Morgan and...”
“Why do you always do that?,” Cordelia barked.
“Reintroduce yourself. Your name was already announced. Everyone knows who you are. And this isn’t your show; it was my idea. One I borrowed from Barbara Walters after they proved she was a demon and banished her to Lifetime." She snorted. "You think you’re so important. We could have a blow-up doll sit in your chair and the effect would be the same.”
“You would deprive Xander of his toy?,” Lilah asked coolly.
Xander blushed. “I don’t use those anymore. I have a real boyfriend now!"
The audience cheered.
Angel scooted his chair back and opened his arms invitingly. Xander scampered over, settled in the vampire’s lap, and the two proceeded to face-rape each other’s mouths. Harmony covered her unicorn’s eyes, while Cordelia looked fondly upon the couple with bemused exasperation. Oh, her silly, slutty boys.
Lilah cleared her throat. “Today’s show is a special one. After recapping news events, we will be joined by Vampire Slayers Faith and Buffy Summers, recently returned from their honeymoon at Six Flags Transylvania.”
“I can’t believe they got married,” Xander groaned, pulling back from Angel, who’s face crumpled with loss.
“We all knew it would happen sooner or later,” Cordelia said dismissively, before turning back to the camera and flashing her million-dollar smile.
“Buffy and Faith will be showing us slides of the weirdness they encountered over there, before they reenact the moment which brought them together. That’s right, people! The Slayers will be mud wrestling grudge style before this live studio audience!”
Everyone clapped with glee.
“You already stole my life,” Lilah chuffed at her, “must you steal my lines, as well?”
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. I didn’t kill you, that was...that bug thing. Besides, you’re still here, haunting us like an extra from Poltergeist
“Carole Anne, Carole Anne!,” Xander simpered.
Angel snickered and licked the boy's neck. Xander squealed his approval and pinched the vampire’s nipples.
“Anyway,” Lilah ground out, “after the, er, activity, Spike, the Other Souled Vampire, will be joining Harmony for our cooking segment, in which they will demonstrate how to make Fyarl Frittata for four.”
“My Blondie Bear!,” Harmony swooned, stroking the unicorn’s mane.
“Spike’s here?,” Xander slurred.
Angel slapped his boyfriend upside his head. “None of that Spander nonsense,” he growled. “You’re mine. We’ve been dancing around each other for ten years now, we’ve each slept with Slayers, and we both sort of love Cordelia. Now that I’ve got you, I’m not letting Spike near you." His eyes grew hazy. "Besides, Xangel is such a cool
“Aw, you’re all jealous,” Xander cooed. “I already told you, honey,” he said, patting Angel’s head, “there was never anything between Spike and me. Just some bondage and mutual masturbation.”
“You messed up my hair,” Angel complained, “and Spike will keep his hands to himself, or I’ll have Dana cut them off again before I grind them up into burger meat for Harmony to feed her unicorns.”
“Thanks, Angel!,” Harmony tittered. “Unicorns are manticores, you know!”
“Carnivores,” Lilah corrected, rolling her eyes, voice dripping with annoyance.
“I thought those were dinosaurs,” Harmony shrugged, as she began running a toothbrush through the unicorn’s tail.
“Oh, you big, strong man
, you!,” Xander cooed, sucking one of his vampire’s nipples into his mouth.
Angel gasped and threw his head back as the audience warmed and murmured endearments.
“If we could please stay on point!,” Lilah groused. “After the cooking segment, we have scheduled a musical interlude with,” she paused and groaned, “Lindsey McDonald. I’m sure we can look forward to four minutes of twang, acoustic guitar, and hick lament about poor Oklahoma boys trying to make it in the big city.”
“Is he going to be naked?,” Xander asked.
be a perk,” Lilah conceded, nodding. “I’ll confirm at the break.”
“And you’re not jealous he asked that?,” Cordelia demanded of Angel.
The vampire shrugged. “Is there a point of having to look at and listen to Lindsey if he’s going to be clothed?”
“Of course not,” she replied. “I just want to make sure you’re okay with it. You know how he and Xander flirt.”
“But I flirt with everyone!,” Xander exclaimed. “It’s what I do! It’s what makes me so charming and lovable! Besides, Angel knows I belong only to him. Unless you’ve decided to forgive me about Willow?,” he asked hopefully.
“What!,” Angel roared.
Cordelia sighed and drummed her nails on the table. “I just don’t know. I mean, I’ve thought about it. And it’s much more fun to be mad at Firecrotch than you, Xan.”
She frowned and fell silent for a moment.
“Okay,” she said finally. “I forgive you.” She turned to her right. “Lilah, draw up some papers for joint custody. Angel and I will share Xander.”
Xander pumped his fists in victory as Lilah nodded. Just because one was dead didn’t mean one couldn’t still multitask.
“I am not
sharing him with you
,” Angel growled, pointing a finger at a bored Cordelia. “It took me ten years to get him to admit that he was hungry for my *beep*. Willow made my soul permanent, so now I can *beep* all I want, and you’re not getting in the middle of that. Besides, I haven’t forgiven you for leaving me!”
haven’t forgiven me
?!,” she screamed. “I *beep* died, you *beep*! You tell me you love me, and then you hang from the rafters like a looming bat and watch as your son *beep* my possessed body. Why didn’t you pull your head out of your *beep* and do something about that
"Why the *beep* didn’t you *beep* realize that something was *beep* wrong? Oh, no, too busy whining and feeling sorry for yourself, you little *beep*! Oh my god, *beep* you!”
“Who keeps honking that horn?,” Harmony suddenly demanded, looking around in alarm. She sighed. “I don’t like all this fighting,” she whined. “Let’s all join hands and sing ‘Don't Stop Believing’!”
She clapped merrily and then held out her hands.
Everyone stared at her, and stopped only when a nervous cough emerged from the audience.
“Why is she even here?,” Lilah demanded. “Must we perpetuate the necessity of the dumb blond on syndicated television? I thought that trope died when FEMA declared Pamela Anderson's vagina a toxic waste zone.”
Cordelia and Angel continued to glare hatefully at once another, as Xander fidgeted and looked down at his hands.
“I love you both,” he said. “I don’t understand why you can’t just get along so that we can have threeway sex and go shopping at Pier One.”
“I do not. Shop. At Pier One,” Cordelia hissed through clenched teeth. She sighed. “Upgrade to Pottery Barn and you have a deal.”
Xander raised his eye to Angel, who was still sulking. The boy then turned up the Puppy Eye from Pleading to Armageddon, and Angel caved.
“Okay,” the vampire whispered. “Anything for you, Xander, you know that.”
He held out his hand to Cordelia and they shook on it.
“Glad that’s taken care of,” she nodded, “and we’ll discuss the logistics at a later time. Perhaps Fred can come up with some helpful charts. Oh, wait. She’s dead.”
“Doesn’t stop me,” Lilah drawled.
“Hey, where’s Illyria?,” Xander asked, beginning to bounce in Angel’s lap, which made the vampire quite happy indeed. “I miss her!”
The lights flickered and the set windows exploded.
“Who summoned me?,” an imperious voice demanded.
“Illie!,” Xander cheerfully screamed. “You’re here!”
“Greetings, Alexander,” she nodded. “Do not call me by that ludicrous name. It is good to see you. However, I was in the middle of important negotiations,” she chided. “Tribal wars just don’t start themselves, you know.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It’s just that,” he sniffled, “Cordy and Angel were fightingandyellingandcursing and, and, you always make me feel better.” He hung his head.
Illyria glowered at Angel. “What have I told you about keeping my pet happy, half-breed? Must we have yet another discussion about the portions of your anatomy which you can live without?”
Angel set his jaw and glared.
She turned to Cordelia. “I should have known better than to expect more from a Higher Being,” she sniffed. “Clearly you are of inferior character and intelligence and are thus unworthy of even speaking to my pet.”
Cordelia’s eyes bulged. “Heifer said what? Oh, it is on
The audience burst into another round of applause.