Title: Outside Help
Author: White Werewolf
Category: No Ship
Disclaimer: Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, UPN, ME, and Fox. Saturday Night Live is owned by NBC and Michaels.
Summery: Buffy has started seeing her vampire boyfriend again. Xander needs extra help, so he hires someone.
Author Notes: This is the third part of the Live From Sunnydale, It's Saturday Night!
Special Thanks: No one this time around. Ozmandayus maybe, I don't know.
Dedication: Chris Farley
Buffy Summers opened the doors into the library and could see that everyone was there as usual.
She said as she reached her friends, "Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy."
Suddenly, Buffy stopped when she saw her friends at the center table who had glum faces.
"What's with all the tragedy masks?"
Her watcher pointed to a chair, "Better take a seat, Buffy."
Xander got out of his chair, nudged it over a bit so it's at the head of the table. He stepped away to stand next to Cordelia. Buffy slowly approached the chair.
As she sat down, she asked, "What's going on?"
Her watcher said, "We know Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us."
Buffy looked away, trying to absorb the new information.
Willow said, "Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. This is serious. You need help."
The blond looked at her redheaded friend, "It's not what you think."
Xander stated, "Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer."
"This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I statements only. 'I feel worried.'"
Cordelia said, "Fine. Here's one: I feel worried...about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was way more interested in killing her friends."
Buffy shook her friend, "But he's better now."
Xander glared at her, "Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?"
She glared back at him. "What is this, Demons Anonymous?" Buffy started to leave, "I don't need an intervention, here."
Giles asked, "Don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us."
Buffy shot back at her friends, "I was going to tell you, I was. I-it was just that I...I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to wait."
Her friend said, "For what? For Angel to go psycho the next time you give him a happy? Now, I know I did the right thing in hiring Matt Foley."
She glared at him, "You hired someone? What gives you the right to hire someone based on something that doesn't need to be known?"
Willow said, "We're worried about you, Buffy. Xander saw this advertisement on television about a motivational speaker. And if we can't get through to you, we might as well hire outside help."
Giles nodded, "Right. Mr. Foley is a motivational speaker. He's been in the back of the library stacks waiting for us to call him in. He's been reading up on Angelus. We think that he's ready. Mr. Foley, we're ready for you!"
"Okie dokie!" A voice said as he came from behind them. He was wearing a plad shirt with khakis. He wore a pair of sunglasses and his hair was slicked back.
He grinned, "Hey, Rupert! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don't know me, is Matt Foley! I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get through your tough vampire addiction, let me give you a little scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am thrice divorced! And I live in a van down by the river!
Buffy said, "I don't need a motivational speaker!"
Xander sighed, "Yeah, you do, Buffy. We don't want to go through what happened last time."
Matt said, "Listen Muffy, I don't give a rat's behind! I'm here to tell you that as you continue your relationship with Angelus, you're gonna find out that you're not going to amount to Jack Squat!" He approached her, "Now you little lady, what do you want to do with your life?"
Buffy asked, "What do I want to do? I just want to graduate high school and go with Angel to the prom!"
The speaker said, "Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa!"
He then approached Xander and Giles, "Hey Rupert! We got ourselves a high school wanna graduate slayer! I can't see real good, is that Lucy Hanover?"
Oz cleared his throat, "Um, Matt. She really is the slayer."
Matt said, "Oz? Ya know, I wish you could just your big yapper! Please!"
The werewolf sighed, "Okay."
The speaker approached the slayer, "Well, if you're as good a slayer as you are as a self absorbed girl, you're gonna be doing a lot of slaying practicing in a van down by the river!"
Buffy sighed, "I like the beach."
Matt glared at her, "Slow down a little, Hanover. Now let's get started!"
He walked up to her, "Dating is fine. I myself dated and married many people. But, I've learned the hard way, Muffy."
Matt nodded, "Right. Muffy. Because of doing the horizontal tangle, your boyfriend killed Rupert's girl and your slayer friend. To top it off, he tortured Xander and Rupert over hear."
Her eyes widened. She knew about Giles, but Xander? "He tortured you?"
Xander didn't say anything.
"Xand, what happened?"
Being herself, Cordelia said without hesitation, "Angel came to his house numerous times. He kept telling Xander his plans on how to kill you, Buffy. You and Willow. He said he'd do it too, if he told you. His mother allowed him in one night, and been in his room so much waiting for him. Do you have any idea how much Xander hated this! Angel kept bragging and seeing the fear that Xander had in his eyes. To Angel, it was a great thrill, to Xander, it was torture!"
Buffy approached her friend, "Is this true?"
Xander didn't say anything. He just shot Cordelia a look.
"What?" Cordy asked.
"Answer me, Xander. Is this true?"
The boy sighed, "Yeah, it is."
Foley said, "Yeah, it's true, Buffy. Angelus here as been torturing your friend every night! And if you don't, you're going to live alone in a van down by the river! The whole time Angelus was on a killing spree. All because you couldn't look into the extra research. If you did, you'd know about the curse, and prevented all this, but NO!"
Buffy gulped and said with tears, "I'm so sorry, Xander. I'm so so sorry. I just wanted to be in love, and have somebody love me back. I know I don't have a normal life, but I want it to be worth something and find some happiness!"
Xander nodded, "And you will, Buff. True, Deadboy hurt me, but I lived. Now, what if Angelus comes back. I don't know if I could go through with that again."
Oz asked, "What are you going to do?"
Buffy sighed as she composed herself. "I don't know. I just don't know."
"Angelus has tortured and maimed people. He's cut through this victims, blended the innards, and served them to his children as one dangerous cocktail, little lady. "
"Gross!" All the girls said out loud.
Buffy grunted, "I'll kill him!"
The speaker smiled, "All right. I've taught you people all I can. I gotta go meet with Arnold and steer him off politics. Either he does that, or he'll move to a van down by the river!"
Then he left.