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The Many Conquests of Xander Harris

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Summary: What do Fictional Characters do when they stumble across Fanfiction sites? Well here's one version of Xander Harris that's gonna show us.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Other HetSithicusFR2111,8722203,11217 Jan 1117 Jan 11No

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Xander paused as he arrived at the address he'd managed to track down through one of many favors - pausing slightly to verify it he walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

Bleary eyed a young man came to the door. "Yes?" he asked.

"You Sithicus?" Xander asked the man.

"How'd you find me!" the man exclaimed in sudden fear. Brandishing an umbrella he took a step back. "I swear I gave an official disclaimer for everything, if this is a lawsuit thing I'm still hunting for a job and am not gainfully employed yet, and I did not win that lottery... Though I thought I had, but my ticket was for the previous weeks draw and then my numbers got picked this week... Wait a minute," the man eyed Xander carefully. "Don't I know you?" he asked.

"You should, you write enough stories about my character," Xander told the author. "I really dug that Rainbow Bright crossover, it was actually kind of touching," he said.

The author stared at Xander. "Hhhh?"

"Never mind that, you're the first author from the site who hasn't laughed in my face, so I guess you're going to take me seriously." Xander smiled and pulled a large stack of photos from the knapsack slung over his back. "Here's the evidence, now can I come in?"

"Oh sure, come on in," the author said.

Xander flinched.

"No vampires in my reality." Sithicus smiled.


"So... What brings you to my neck of the multiverse?" Sithicus asked.

Xander once again passed him the photos. "See, it all started when I stumbled across a certain website..." he started to explain.

Author's Notes: Honestly, that isn't how I cooked this idea up. Though I wish it was because that would have been AWESOME! But anyway, though I have nothing against them and I don't mean to make anybody upset or think I'm a nutter or something, I just got sick and tired of seeing some great premises for fanfictions all involve some kind of Slash pairing. More often than not with Xander. Hey, I get we're all authors and we can all do anything we want because it's fanfic, but my brain... See it gets these little ideas and then they won't let go, so I hope that I shall not be ofending anyone because this is all meant in good fun.

That being said here's the plan. I wanted to write the first chapter after the Prologue to get the ball rolling, but then I plan on opening it up to any and all writers who want to contribute to such a cracked and utterly insane idea as this fanfic. (Providing the moderators of the site don't request that I delete it for whatever reason.) Anything Heterosexual is fair game, anything that involves a lot of miscomunication and comedic elements is also welcome and strongly encouraged. But as I said I wanted to write the first chapter, but it's late so I'll have to do it tomorrow.

Until then... And because Xander reminded me not to forget...

Disclaimer: I Sithicus, the author first contacted by the individual in question to pass on the first of hopefully many great stories/adventures of a pornolicious type setting, do hereby state that I do not own the rights to any of these characters as this is a work of fanfiction... Surprisingly enough from one of the characters that were created by the owners himself. So I don't own them, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all related characters are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. (Xander's still not sure how that works since he isn't getting any royalties, but this is getting too long...) See Later Chapters for individual crossover disclaimers.

Alexander LaVelle Harris glared frustratedly at the computer screen – when he’d asked Dawn and Willow to set up something that would allow him to enjoy a bit of downtime now and again he hadn’t expected to find this.

Clicking the mouse he stared at the next page and the next flipping through them electronically so fast that he was barely seeing any of the words printed on the screen.

“Here I am hooking up with Spike, with Angel, with Giles of all people!” he shouted at last fed up with the constant bombardment of insanity. And it was insane – no matter how much understanding he felt towards certain people he couldn’t fathom what he was looking at now being anything good. “That does it!” Xander declared rising from his seat and stepping back from the computer. “My parents may not have been the best in the world, and sure I may have been a tad stupid in my younger days, maybe a jerk to some people that didn’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let this thing pass.”

Storming out of the room he marched down to the supply room – it was time for him to get some things and then get to work.

Dawn stuck her head in a few minutes later. “Uh, Xander, what are you doing?” she asked her eyes widening as she spotted what Xander was stuffing into his knapsack.

Xander sneered slightly. “I’m going to prove to some very misguided people that I am and always have been a firm believer in the breasts and thighs group,” he said.

“You want to care to run that by me again?” Dawn requested with a confused expression.

Xander laughed. “Sure, if you can whip me up one of those dimensional travel spells you and Willow perfected,” he returned.

“Why?” Dawn demanded suspiciously.

Xander stuffed several wads of cash from the petty cash box into his pockets. He was going to need to wine and dine a few people if he was going to pull off this mad, mad plan. “Fair enough,” he said to Dawn as he grabbed a few piles of alternate dimensional currency. “You see I’ve been following an interesting little site on that computer you and Willow fixed up for me, but I’ve been noticing a very disturbing trend of late, so I’m going to prove to those people… Who by the way somehow know about our lives, I’m guessing it’s the whole my reality has your reality as a T-V program kind of thing, that Mamma Harris’ little boy ain’t that kind of a man,” he stated.

Dawn stared at Xander all of two seconds before she finally realized what he was getting at. “Um, Xander, you do realize that they probably won’t be able to know what you’re planning, or even see it,” she pointed out.

“I thought of that, which is why I randomly selected a couple of writers to give the details to so they can pass it on to anyone willing to read about it, I’m a really popular character from our dimension apparently,” Xander stated finally finished packing.

Dawn smirked. “Ok, I’ll get the spell for you,” she told him. “On one condition.”

“What’s that?” Xander wondered suspiciously.

“It’s a two part condition, part one, I get pictures,” Dawn said.

“Pictures!” Xander repeated.

“Nothing gratuitous, just a couple of snapshots of your many conquests,” Dawn explained.

“Hmmm, ok, deal,” Xander said grabbing a digital camera. “What’s the second part?” he wondered nervously.

“When you get back I get the whole package, rubber free, or I tell Buffy and Faith why you’ve been bouncing around the multiverse,” Dawn stated with a flirtatious and sneaky smile.

Xander stared at her – noticing her blossomed womanhood – and then he shrugged and let out a reluctant sigh. “You’ve got me by the short hairs,” he said.

“You betcha,” Dawn said grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

“Alright fine, I promise, if I get back alive after this crazy messed up plan, that I will give you the entire package in whatever way you want, rubber free,” Xander promised in a solemn tone. He even held up one hand as though making an oath.

Dawn laughed happily and gave Xander a deep kiss – her tongue went places she always wanted it to – and then she skipped merrily out of the room.

Xander watched her go briefly with a hint of a smile on it – until his memory of what triggered this insane scheme struck him and he stormed back out of the supply room making a mental note that he would have to replace all of the boxes of condoms he’d packed for his inter-dimensional trip.

Xander’s expression grew partially lecherous. “This is going to show them all, Xander Harris is a woman’s man, and all man, I don’t swing the other way… That’s Willow’s department.”

At this point he stopped briefly as a tiny voice seemed to dance in one ear – a whisper from an unseen person telling him something. “You do realize this constitutes the making of something completely cracked don’t you?” it seemed to ask him from the nether.

He thought it sounded a little bit like Anya and Cordy both at the same time. Shrugging slightly he paused in his storming off to pluck a single white rose from the nearest vase. “I have to do something to protect my reputation as a card carrying member of the Definitely Not Homosexual Fictional Characters in Other Realities Club,” he told the nothingness.

And with that Xander Harris’ journey to make love to as many hotties in the multiverse began, with a load of cash – that he promised he’d replace somehow – and several boxes of condoms stuffed into a knapsack slung precariously over one shoulder on his back, including a list of authors he planned to try and stop by to pass his adventures on to for sharing. Xander Harris made his way up to Dawn Summers’ room with a devilish gleam in one eye.

At this point two spectral entities slowly appeared in the room. “Cough it up,” the first being instructed sticking out a hand.

“Precious!” the second said in a raspy tone as she unhappily handed over some greenbacks to the first dead woman. “How could I have been so blind?” she wondered to herself. “I spent longer with Xander and had many more orgasms than you,” she added glaring at the first.

Cordelia Chase smirked as she slowly counted the stack of bills by fingering it. “You may have had more sex with Xander, but I knew him since he was a snot-nosed brat,” she reminded.

Anya Jenkins scowled and petulantly crossed her arms over her chest.

“Buck up,” Cordy reminded gently patting Anya’s shoulder. “Remember we get to watch the entire show,” she added.

Anya’s eyes lit up with renewed joy. “Good, I wonder how many he’ll actually succeed in wooing and teaching the many skills of lovemaking I helped him improve?” she said.

Cordy shrugged. “We’re dead, not omnipotent, how are we supposed to know?” she asked.

Meanwhile in the forgotten room with the computer Buffy Summers – head Slayer and co-founder of the International New Watchers Council – stumbled upon the still open site that Xander had been reading.

“Twisting the Hellmouth,” she read aloud. “That doesn’t sound good.” Buffy frowned slightly and studied the screen carefully. “I wonder what B/F stands for?”

To Be Continued…

The End?

You have reached the end of "The Many Conquests of Xander Harris" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 17 Jan 11.

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