I go out walkin'... after midnight...
Don’t own the Buffyverse, NCIS, NCIS-LA, Harry Potter or any of the other ‘verses that may appear here. Although this is officially a crossover, it’s mostly set in the Buffyverse
and the elements of other universes impinge, but major characters from other universes don’t take a major part in the story in the earlier chapters.
I hate long author’s notes, but they’re necessary this one time. Please bear with me and accept my apologies. This story is a bit different from my other stories. Still, I sincerely hope you’ll give it a chance and read it anyway. I think it’s among the better things I’ve written.
For my father, a man of courage, creativity and conviction
His example helped teach me how to be straight but not narrow
Chapter Warning: This chapter is FR-21
: Explicit sexual situations, gay and straight, language, discussions of sexuality and sexual orientation, minor violence. Most of the rest of the story is rated FR-18, though the official rating for the whole story would be lower if it weren’t for the few
chapters with sex in them.
Story Warning #1: This story contains sex, specifically men having sex. If that bothers you, you shouldn’t read this story, though it’s not about the sex… Sex has a small but very important place in this story; in fact, there’s some in this here chapter!
Story Warning #2: This isn’t
a ‘porny’/PWP type story… If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be very disappointed and probably quite bored.
Note: Yes, I know Buffy wasn’t ill in season three… but that was just the time period of the broadcast, and this is a slightly different universe anyway! :-)
[Think Quantum Mirror, SG fans] The broadcast didn’t cover everything.
This is set after The Zeppo, but before anything else major happens. It’s AU in so much as some episodes don’t happen in exactly the same order, because making changes… changes things. Also because of slash. Still, I suspect (and really hope) you’ll actually recognize our characters.
And now (finally)… drum roll please… The story begins!
It all started when Buffy was ill. After Angel had come back from hell, he and Buffy sometimes went patrolling, or as they had recently with the Sisterhood of Jhe, all of them fought together. Usually, it was just Buffy and sometimes the Scoobies, because it was just too uncomfortable with all the undercurrents, to deal with Angel too often. Buffy and Angel were still in love. Buffy and Angel were still star-crossed. It was awkward in every way.
The Scoobies themselves had their own issues. The addition of Faith to the mix meant that Buffy sometimes decided it wasn’t worth the risk to put Xander and Willow in the center of the fight – especially Xander, who couldn’t even do the minor magic that Willow had been learning. Then Buffy had managed to come down with a nasty case of the flu… Everyone seemed to be coming down with it… Everyone except Xander.
That was what led to Xander going on patrol with the one person he liked least in the world. Angel. Angel could have gone alone, of course, but Buffy had felt guilty about ‘pushing her responsibilities on him’. That was why she had insisted that if he was going patrolling for her, he could have her Scoobies with him too… Except now, Willow was sick too. This was why Angel and Xander were wandering around a cemetery alone in the dead of night. This is how they ended up ambushed by half a dozen vampires, at least one of whom was as old as Angel was. It had turned into a brutal fight.
The last vampire they were fighting had managed to put a couple tombstones between himself and the two hunters. Xander was about to fire his crossbow when Angel caught a glint of something in the vampire’s hand. Without warning, he flung himself at Xander, flying through the air, and body slamming him into the ground as the bullet ricocheted off a nearby mausoleum. Xander’s bolt had found its way home anyway, and the vampire dusted, leaving only the gun gleaming in the grass. That, and Angel lying pressed crotch to crotch with Xander. Xander stared up at him in shock, making a small sound in his throat, and licking his lips instinctively.
Angel recognized his reaction for exactly what it was and instinctively pressed himself more tightly against Xander, and bowed his head to kiss him. Xander was too startled to react. What startled him even more than the fact of Angel’s powerful body pressing heavily onto him was his own body’s reaction. Everything in him was coming to attention. What the hell was happening to him? He started to struggle, writhing beneath Angel, but with Angel’s weight and strength, and his mouth devouring Xander’s, it had the opposite effect to what Xander intended. Angel deepened the kiss, and Angel’s hands seemed to have a mind of their own, beginning to caress Xander, whose heart rate had greatly increased, and who, despite his first reaction, found himself responding to what was easily the best kiss he’d ever experienced. Xander found himself thrusting up to grind himself even more tightly against Angel’s erection, his own betraying hands rising to pull Angel even more tightly against him. Angel trailed kisses down his exposed neck, and it was only the proximity of Angel’s teeth to his throat that brought Xander back to reality.
“Angel – stop!” he said softly, his voice harsh and husky.
Angel rolled off him immediately. The vampire was breathing hard, just as he was, instinct having taken him over. The two lay there sprawled side by side and for a long moment, the only sound was their breathing and the slight rustling of the ocean breeze in the cemetery.
“I’m sorry,” Angel said. “I didn’t… I thought… I…”
“Buffy…” said Xander, unable to think of anything else suitable to say.
What else could he say? That he didn’t want it? That he wasn’t gay? The evidence of his desire had pressed urgently against Angel’s body, only moments before.
“Oh,” said Angel, as if he’d forgotten. “You’re right. It would hurt her. I don’t know what I was thinking… it just felt…”
“Right?” Xander whispered so quietly no one else would have caught it.
“Yeah,” Angel said.
Suddenly Angel sprang to his feet, automatically extending a hand to Xander, who took it. He pulled Xander up easily, and for a moment, the two men’s faces were inches apart. They stared at each other. Xander could feel his heart pounding again. His eyes strayed to Angel’s mouth, and back to his eyes. Angel’s look was just as hungry and Xander felt himself getting even harder. He shifted uncomfortably.
“We should get you home,” said Angel, finally breaking the moment.
“You’re right,” said Xander. “Uh… Shouldn’t we talk about this?”
“No, we shouldn’t. Just keep pretending you don’t like me,” said Angel.
“Well, you are annoying,” said Xander.
“Yes, I am,” said Angel, and Xander could tell he was smirking, even in the shadow.
Unsurprisingly, Xander found he couldn’t sleep. First Willow, now Angel. His libido was truly out of control. That was his only explanation. He couldn’t be gay, could he? He’d never been with a man before… He’d never… He didn’t even look when they were in the locker rooms. He wasn’t into men. So, just Angel then? Was that why he’d hated him so much? Was he jealous? Well, yes! The question was; who was he jealous of? From the time Angel had showed up, and Buffy had liked him, he’d felt this unreasoning rage at Angel. Now, just the thought of Angel made Xander so hard he lay in bed, gently stroking himself… God, he was pathetic. He was imagining it was Angel’s big cool hands caressing him. Oh, crap.
How did men have sex? Did he really want to push himself into Angel’s ass, or feel Angel’s cock inside him? Tonight, he’d cupped those tight buttocks in his hands as he’d pulled Angel against him in a moment of insanity. He should be ashamed. Angel belonged to Buffy… Well, not belonged… but she still loved him… God… What a mess! Now, he was thinking of the time he’d seen Angel without a shirt – about a week ago. He’d gone to the mansion to drop something off – reluctantly, at the time, and Angel had been wearing just a pair of flimsy shorts. Now, he realized… that had been all Angel had been wearing. He could remember much too clearly, the way the satiny material had flowed over his penis as he moved. How could he have been so foolish? He’d been attracted to Angel for a while. When had this started? Had Angel known?
Crap. No wonder Angel had kissed him like that. What did that mean? Was Angel gay? No… probably not… He’d loved Buffy. Xander knew he had. Angel had loved her, and Xander had had feelings for her too. He wasn’t going to figure this out. Xander grabbed a towel from the back of his chair, and got back into bed. He had to do something about this. He was almost painfully hard.
Angel drank half a bottle of bourbon as he lay in the enormous bath at the mansion. He didn’t even pretend to understand what was going on inside him. It wasn’t just sex, of that, he was sure, and that was more than a little disturbing. If he’d admitted it to himself, this had been a long time coming.
He’d caught a whiff of Xander’s arousal more than once – both for him and for the women in his life, and he knew now that the attraction had affected the way he’d treated the man. Though the intensity came as a complete shock, the attraction itself wasn’t really a surprise. That was probably why he’d ignored it so successfully for so long. He found many men attractive. Giles. Oz… Random men he saw on the street. He noticed both men and women, pretty much equally. He’d been with men many times before, though probably more women, though he really hadn’t kept count.
Until he’d gotten his soul, he’d slept most often with other vampires he traveled with… Even Spike, that one time. He’d turned people he most wanted to fuck and he’d showed most of them a good time, sometimes all at once. He hadn’t been with a man since he’d met Buffy… but that was because he’d loved her. With the exception of his time as Angelus, he hadn’t been with anyone
since he met Buffy.
Of course, he’d fucked many of the people he’d fed on before he killed them, but that was usually when he was feeling particularly vicious. It didn’t give him sexual pleasure so much as it gave him a sense of total power over the victim. Sometimes he just fed but sometimes he wanted to break them, especially those who seemed judgmental, who acted as if they were his betters. Being totally ‘owned’ by something as monstrous as him broke everyone eventually, especially the men. His demon was a vicious bastard and it took whatever parts of Angel it could, and warped them as much as it could. His soul reined that in.
Once he’d gotten his soul, he’d felt torn about his sexual appetites, at least at first. Finally, he’d admitted to himself that he saw no real need to return to the mindset of his forbears. After all, he was still a demon. No church would have him. Nothing about who he had become was remotely normal. In the years since regaining his soul, he’d fucked whoever caught his fancy, and he’d always tried to leave them happy. He’d been fucked enough times too. He was mostly a top, but sometimes he just liked to lie there, let go of control completely, and feel what it was to be on the receiving end of a good pounding, to lose himself in the sensation of being pleasured.
Angel had long ago realized he wasn’t gay or straight, he was just sexual. As long as he enjoyed the person, he could enjoy the sex. If the person was really good in bed, so much the better. It was why, despite many opportunities, he almost never slept with complete strangers. It was much more fun if you liked someone, then you got something from pleasuring him or her. Otherwise, given what he was, masturbating was just simpler. That was something he’d done almost every day since he’d been a teen, much to his very strict Catholic father’s dismay. Usually, once was enough. Tonight it wouldn’t be.
He thought back to that night with Buffy. He wasn’t sure what had been so different about it. Sexually, it hadn’t been that unique, especially not at the beginning. Sex with virgins was overrated. They hurt, and you had to be careful, if you gave a damn, which he did. With his strength, it was easy to cause pain, even with a slayer – but that moment had passed.
Somewhere between the second or third time he’d come, something had changed. Buffy had really begun to enjoy it on a completely different level. Her slayer healing complete, she’d begun to focus completely on the sex and the emotion… and they’d began to approach something of a true, intimate rhythm like nothing he could recall. That was when it had stopped being about careful mechanics, and started to be passion, ecstasy and, eventually, complete oneness.
That was something Angel had never
felt before. In his entire human life, plus two hundred and twenty years and counting as a vampire, he’d had truly loving sex with exactly one
person. It had taken him a while to be able to recall that night clearly. What had happened after had slowly begun to recede since he came back. Moments of sweetness had occurred with Buffy recently, and they had reminded him of his best moments on Earth.
Those were moments that scared him – but just the worry of losing his soul, meant he probably couldn’t be perfectly happy if they had sex again. He was not willing to take that risk. Truthfully, he probably could never experience something that perfect again. One, because it was the first time ever and nothing is ever quite as good as a spectacular first time, at least, he didn’t think so. Two, because he could probably never let go so fully again unless he knew his soul was anchored permanently; and three, he wasn’t sure he could ever feel something like that for anyone else.
Of course, he knew people could love more than one person, and that was part of what was making him uneasy about tonight. One thing he had learned in one hundred years of keeping his bloodthirsty demon in check was self-control. Yet, he’d allowed himself to give in to his impulses without a thought. What was more, he wanted to do it again – and to take it as far as Xander would let him. He knew that if he wanted, he could seduce Xander... If he’d kissed him again, Xander would have opened up for him. He probably could have fucked him right there in the cemetery tonight... or brought him back here…
Christ, what was he thinking? He knew it was dangerous ground, but he couldn’t help himself. He gave into the flood of images of Xander’s body that filled his head as he slowly brought himself to climax. The first time wasn’t enough, so he did it again, then once more after that. The refractory period of a vampire was pretty much zero. All he needed was the desire. The only thing that changed with repeated climax was the amount of semen. The water in the tub was quite cold when he finally turned on the shower to wash himself and the walls off properly.
“If we had sex, would you lose your soul?” Xander had showed up at his door this morning, looking as if he hadn’t slept at all.
“Are you out of your mind?” Angel asked, holding the door open so Xander could enter.
“Probably,” said Xander. “Definitely.”
“You want me to fuck you?” Angel asked, crudely, hoping to shock Xander.
“Yeah. Insane, huh?” Xander said, quietly.
“You’re serious,” said Angel. “What about Buffy?”
“She’s still sick,” said Xander.
“I know that, Xander,” said Angel. “I meant… what about hurting her?”
“Maybe she doesn’t have to know,” said Xander, looking uncomfortable.
“You know that never ends well,” said Angel.
“I can’t stop thinking about it,” said Xander. “I can’t stop thinking about last night… about you…”
”And the solution to this problem is for me to fuck you?”
“I don’t care who fucks who,” said Xander, honestly. “Maybe we could take turns. Do men do that?”
“Some of them do,” said Angel. “You have no idea what you’re suggesting, do you?”
“None whatsoever,” said Xander. “I’ve had sex exactly once. Wasn’t my best experience.”
“Yes,” said Xander. “Not sure what it is with me and lovers who can kill me.”
“I’m not going to kill you, Xander,” said Angel, very softly, his mouth against Xander’s ear. “But if we do this… It might change your whole life. Is that what you want, Xander?”
“Are you that good?” Xander whispered.
Angel pulled back and looked Xander in the eye. He smiled just a little, but it was enough.
“Yes, but you know that’s not what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t know anything,” said Xander. “I just… I can’t get you out of my head.”
“You don’t seriously think you can get me out of your system by sleeping with me, do you, Xander?”
“No, probably not,” said Xander. Then he added, “The thought had
crossed my mind.”
“Whatever’s going on with you and me, Xander… it’s not going to be over anytime soon.”
“Is that a promise or a threat?”
“I don’t know, Xander,” admitted Angel. “I didn’t sleep much either.”
Angel went over to the table in front of his Arts and Crafts style couch, and picked up a large bound drawing pad. He handed it to Xander. Xander opened it, and stared in shock. It was a drawing of him, mouth slightly open… It was almost photographic and his expression was almost pornographic in its desire. He knew it was of that moment they’d shared, when he’d desperately wanted to kiss Angel, or for Angel to kiss him. The next was of the two of them on the ground, kissing… It captured the wildness of that kiss… oh god. He’d forgotten that Angel had photographic memory and the ability to reproduce what he saw with almost lifelike realism.
It obviously was sense memory too, because the drawing captured the mood and feeling, as well as the texture of their clothing… He felt himself sinking into the image, and experiencing the whole moment again, this time with nuances that he knew were from Angel. Then he turned to the next page. This was a different picture. This was him sitting on the table in the library. There was one of him fighting. It was as if Angel had pulled out every image of Xander over the last two and a half years and put them down on paper. A few of them were just a bit different. His shirt hung open. He was bare-chested.
Then he turned the page. There he was, lying in a bed that Xander had never seen before, his legs casually spread, with his head thrown back as if he were laughing about something. He was completely nude.
“I couldn’t sleep,” said Angel.
“I’ve never seen that bed before,” said Xander.
“Would you like to?” asked Angel.
Xander stared at him.
“Yes,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.
The master bedroom was on the upper level, so Angel ended up giving Xander a partial tour of the house. He’d made no attempt to kiss him or to do anything else, but the atmosphere between the two men was almost electric with tension. Angel could smell the arousal that permeated the space between them. His own and Xander’s. He could also smell the underlying scent of Xander’s body. A small amount of fear. Deodorant, soap, shampoo. He was as aware of Xander as he had ever been of any lover.
Xander stopped before a small sculpture on a pedestal at the top of the stairs. Angel stopped behind him, still not touching. Xander knew he was there, however. He took half a step back. Angel didn’t move. He wanted to touch Xander, but he was still hesitant. What if… what if Xander was playing him? What if Xander lied to Buffy about whatever happened between them and she staked him? What if she found out?
They really should not do this. His arms went around Xander, who seemed to relax. They really should stop this. Angel kissed Xander’s neck, and Xander pressed back against him. Xander took one of Angel’s hands and moved it lower, until Angel’s hand was cupping Xander’s crotch, and Xander’s hand was pressing Angel’s hand tightly onto his erection. Then, somehow, Xander had turned around, as their hands began to slowly explore each other’s bodies. Their tongues danced as they sought to devour each other, kissing with utter abandon.
“Not here,” said Angel, finally able to draw himself away.
“Why not?” said Xander.
“I don’t think anyone’s going to come up the pathway, but I don’t want to put on a show,” said Angel.
“Probably a good idea,” said Xander, feeling just a bit sobered, as he looked through the window onto the deeply shadowed entryway, a window Angel hadn’t covered, because direct sunlight never reached it. Due to the floodlight Angel had substituted for the skylight above, they might as well have been on a stage.
“Why don’t I show you that bed,” said Angel, very softly.
Xander was amazed at the size of the bedroom. He didn’t know why. The house was huge and spacious. Why wouldn’t the master bedroom be similarly generous? Unlike the rest of the house, which was somewhat spare, the bedroom was quite intimate. It was obvious that Angel had taken time to make it his own, that he spent time here.
There were paintings on the wall – not the bland, modernistic ones that had probably come with the house, but things a bit more feeling… mostly impressionist… At least one of them had to be the real thing. If they all were, they would have to be worth a bundle. The floor was carpeted with deep, luxurious carpet that Xander knew would feel wonderful to his bare feet. Without thinking, he slipped off his shoes. Angel did the same.
“You can take off your socks,” said Angel.
“It feels good,” said Xander.
“That’s why I got it,” said Angel, smiling at him.
“I like this room,” said Xander.
“Good,” said Angel.
Angel stepped closer. Xander closed the distance. The kiss that followed was as intense as it was gentle. Where the kiss last night had been physically intense, this… just permeated and saturated every fiber of Xander’s body with feeling, like sweet water for a man who hadn’t even known he was parched.
Even as the kiss deepened, there was nothing harsh about it. It was nothing like anything Xander had expected, but it made him ache with need. He molded himself to Angel’s embrace, surprised to discover he felt almost weak in the knees. He broke the kiss briefly, taking a desperate lungful of air, then with just as much desperation, he sought Angel’s mouth again. Angel’s hands were all over his body, and Xander was aware of every touch.
Without even realizing what he was doing, he was tugging at Angel’s shirt, and pulling it off. His hands roamed greedily over Angel’s bare skin. Just the act of touching him, of feeling the smoothness, the dusting of hair on his chest… it was all making him more excited.
The taste of Angel… He’d really never paid attention to the taste of any of the few girls he’d kissed, except for the glaringly obvious. Faith had reeked of cigarettes; Cordelia had tasted of lip-gloss or lipstick – the lip-gloss tasted better. Willow had… well; he’d been too busy feeling guilty to actually savor those kisses. Willow had not tasted of much of anything that he could remember. Xander was surprised to realize he liked the unadorned, but very distinctive slightly tangy taste of the other man’s mouth.
He had to remind himself to come up for air. He couldn’t seem to get enough of Angel. Angel seemed to be having the same experience. Xander was beginning to feel as if the core of his being was on fire. His hands went to Angel’s belt buckle, and that was when Angel gently pulled away, not letting go of the hand he’d stilled.
“Are you really sure this is what you want?” asked Angel, staring deeply into Xander’s eyes.
“Yes,” said Xander. “I’m sure.”
“Because you can’t unring this bell, Xander,” said Angel. “It won’t make you gay… or prove you’re not. It won’t make you anything you’re not… but you won’t be able to deny the reality of whatever you end up feeling either. You’d better be ready for that.”
Xander stared at him. He found himself wondering, uncomfortably, if Angel had given Buffy a similar speech. He found he didn’t want to know.
“I want to do this,” said Xander, finally breaking the silence.
“I’m glad,” said Angel, smiling again.
Xander was surprised how relieved Angel seemed. That was when the last vestiges of hostility that he’d harbored over the last two and a half years finally slipped away. Whatever this was, this thing between them, Xander knew it wasn’t love. However, he also knew something essential about Angel he hadn’t realized before. Angel gave a damn.
Xander didn’t think it was unique to him either – something that paradoxically made it mean more, rather than less. Despite the fact that he wasn’t the love of Angel’s life, Angel didn’t want to see him hurt. For the first time since he’d met the man, Xander really saw Angel’s soul.
Angel stilled Xander’s hand on his buckle, placing it gently back at his side. Instead, Angel slowly began to undress Xander. He punctuated each phase of the revelation with soft touches and caresses, and long deep kisses. It was nothing like being with Faith. Oddly, it was a lot gentler, while at the same time being a great deal more intense.
Finally, he stood before Angel completely naked. Surprisingly Xander didn’t feel self-conscious. He felt excited, more excited than he could remember ever being – and he felt… ready. Then he discovered he wasn’t… at least not for what came next. Angel had knelt before him and it was obvious what he intended to do. Xander had never really had a proper blowjob. Faith had given him just a hint of how good it could feel, but it hadn’t lasted very long before he’d found himself inside her, then he’d come, and she’d kicked him out. The whole experience had been a blur. From the first kiss he and Angel had shared today, to this point, they’d already spent more time together than the entire experience with Faith had taken.
Now, Angel knelt before him, almost reverently. He caressed Xander everywhere, except his cock. Xander was beginning to feel almost impatient. He caressed Angel’s head and shoulders – he could barely reach any other part of him. Angel leaned in, and Xander drew a deep breath. Angel didn’t taste him. Instead, Angel buried his face in the space beside his cock, nuzzling and breathing deeply Xander’s scent. His tongue came out, probing and flicking along the groin area, just barely touching his testes, and the base of Xander’s cock. As he gently kissed Xander’s curls, burying his face there, his face and hair brushed Xander’s cock. Xander strained into his touch. Angel chuckled, his lips on Xander’s flesh. Angel’s hands caressed Xander’s ass and legs, as his mouth continued its exploration of everything but Xander’s cock. He lifted Xander’s cock, and planted kisses beneath it. Then his tongue slowly slid along the length of the underside of Xander’s cock, moving slowly from base to tip. Xander’s cock bobbed, but Angel managed to capture it between his lips anyway. His tongue made a swirling motion around the tip before suckling more firmly.
“Ohhh,” Xander moaned. He wondered if Angel had any idea what he was doing to him. “Oh god.”
“Mmmmm,” was Angel’s response as he slowly slid Xander’s cock deeper into his mouth.
The vibration added to the sensation. Xander bucked, fighting the urge to thrust into Angel’s mouth. Angel’s hands stilled his hips, but Angel’s head began to move slowly back and forth, as his mouth fucked Xander’s cock. Xander was having difficulty processing anything but the intense feeling centered on his groin. Then Angel did something that sent Xander completely over the edge. He slowly pulled Xander’s entire cock into his mouth, until his lips rested against Xander’s balls, and abdomen. Xander felt the tightness of Angel’s throat, the slipperiness surrounding him, as Angel’s head pulled back until only the tip was in his mouth, and then down again until he was once more swallowing all of Xander’s cock. He did it once more, and Xander’s orgasm hit with such intensity, his knees practically gave out. Xander surprised himself by crying out, a loud animal sound.
Then Angel was sucking him clean, his tongue flicking around Xander’s semi hard cock.
“Oh god… that was…” was all Xander could say.
Then somehow, Angel and Xander were kissing again, and Xander could taste the tangy, salty flavor of his cum in Angel’s mouth. For some reason, that turned him on all over again. Even as he helped Angel remove his pants, he felt a stirring in his groin again. Angel felt it too, as Xander’s hardening cock brushed against his thigh.
“I thought I’d have to go first… but now I don’t know…” Angel said, appreciatively.
“Go first?” Xander asked numbly.
His mind was still somewhere completely separate from his body… He was completely about feeling and not much with thinking at all.
“You said we were going to take turns,” Angel reminded him wickedly.
“Oh,” said Xander. Somehow, he’d forgotten that
Suddenly he realized their day together was just beginning
. His whole body responded accordingly.
“I… I think you should go first… since you’re the expert at these things,” said Xander.
“As you wish,” said Angel
Angel opened a drawer next to his side of the bed. For some reason, he’d always slept on the same side of the bed – the right side – It was much easier to reach with his right hand for whatever he wanted. He always kept a dagger in the drawer, or if he’d felt really threatened, a sword under the bed, but it had begun long before he’d ever had reasons to think about things like that. He pulled out a lurid looking plastic bottle.
“What’s that?” asked Xander.
“Lube,” said Angel. “Don’t want to hurt you.”
“Oh,” said Xander.
The finer points of sex with men had never been something he’d given any thought to. Now he was doing it. He swallowed hard.
“Are you OK?” asked Angel. “We can stop…”
“No,” said Xander. “I’m just… nervous.”
“I’ll be gentle,” said Angel, caressing him tenderly.
“I know,” said Xander, “I’m… I’m glad we’re doing this.”
“That’s good, because I really want to fuck you, Xander,” said Angel softly in his ear.
“I can tell,” said Xander, his fingers tracing their way down Angel’s chest, and gently grasping his cock, which was leaking pre cum. He began to caress Angel, causing Angel to gasp.
“You can do that later,” said Angel. “Right now…”
“We fuck?” Xander said.
“Soon,” said Angel “First things first.”
Angel poured a small amount of lube into his hands, and used friction to warm it up. Then, he began to explore Xander. At first, Xander felt tense, and uncomfortable. The only other time anyone had ever touched his anus, it had been in a doctor’s office, and that wasn’t exactly an experience he cared to repeat. He was surprised how quickly he got used to the feel of strong, but gentle fingers exploring his cock, his balls, and his… opening. He was actually going to do this!
Every time he felt tense, Angel seemed to sense it, and slowed down. He wanted to be relaxed, but he was both tense and excited… Angel’s caresses became more focused, and they were punctuated by soft kisses to his lips, and most of the rest of him. Then Angel’s slick finger was sliding inside him, and he found himself feeling almost as if he were observing from afar. Then it all rushed back. Angel’s exploration was gentle, but insistent. The internal caress, felt surprisingly… good! He found himself shifting instinctively, trying to give Angel better access. He made a sighing sound. He felt… Angel had slowly stirred his finger inside Xander, finding his prostate, and stroking it. Then there were two fingers… Oh god.
“Are you trying to make me come again?” he gasped.
“Would that be so bad?” Angel whispered.
Xander grunted as Angel’s exploration resulted in a wave of pleasure. The momentary discomfort of having someone’s fingers inside him was long forgotten. Instead, he’d begun an exploration of his own – at least he tried. Angel, however, had other ideas. He slowly withdrew his fingers from Xander, leaving him feeling oddly empty. Instead, Angel was coating himself with lube, and smiling at Xander’s expression, as he watched, almost mesmerized by the simple motion. Angel positioned Xander’s legs, and Xander’s eyes went wide, as Angel positioned himself above him so their cocks brushed against each other. Angel’s finger found Xander’s entrance again, caressing, and exploring once more.
“Please,” said Xander.
“Hmmm?” Angel said, bending his head to kiss Xander deeply.
Xander was beginning to feel crazed. “Please, Angel,” said Xander. “I can’t take the suspense much longer.”
That made Angel smile and kiss him again. Then it was time. Angel was above him, the head of his slick cock pressed against his entrance. Xander instinctively pressed closer, arching up in the bed.
“You’re eager,” said Angel.
“Yes,” said Xander. “I want you.”
Angel began to press himself slowly into Xander. From what little Xander had read; he expected it to hurt. Mostly it felt like a pressure, relentlessly, but gently invading his body. He took a ragged breath, as Angel continued to push deeper, until finally, he was all the way inside. It was an unbelievable feeling, and Angel seemed to be almost enraptured. Angel’s eyes were closed, his lips slightly open. Slowly he began to pull out, until he was almost all the way out. Xander didn’t want him to pull out. Angel applied a little more lubrication, and this time, slid almost easily back in.
Then he began to stroke inside Xander, gently, with long, deep strokes. It was intense. Angel pulled Xander up, until the two were sitting face to face, with Angel’s cock buried all the way inside the younger man. He kissed Xander, who returned the kiss enthusiastically, clamping his legs against Angel’s body tightly. Angel twisted his hips slightly, the sensation passing like sparks through Xander’s body. Then he pushed Xander back down, his legs in the air, and proceeded to fuck him slowly and deeply until both men were drowning in their need, their breaths coming in sharp gasps. Then Angel was coming, and Xander could feel Angel’s shuddering orgasm as if it were his own. As Angel came, Xander’s own orgasm overtook him and he felt his hot seed between their bodies.
Xander wasn’t sure just how long he’d slept, but he woke up with Angel’s head on his chest, and their legs and arms intertwined. One of Angel’s legs was between his own. He was surprised to realize he was hard again. The clock told him it was one in the afternoon. He had been fucked by a man. He had been fucked by a vampire. He should be freaking out. Instead, he found he wanted very much to continue his journey of discovery.
“Xander?” Angel queried.
“Angel,” said Xander.
“Do you want to shower?” Angel asked.
“I guess…” This was the part he realized he was dreading. Angel was going to send him away.
“We could… we could shower together,” Angel said, almost shyly.
Oh, thought Xander, maybe he wasn’t sending him away.
“Your heart just skipped a beat,” said Angel.
“I thought…” Xander suddenly felt very uncomfortable about admitting how much he wanted to stay.
“I’m not going to kick you out, Xander. I think you might want to go home at some point though… I don’t… I don’t have much food here – and you – we don’t really want Willow or Buffy to come looking for you.”
“No, we really don’t,” said Xander. “One of us should call Giles; tell him about last night’s patrol.”
“Already done. I called him just before you got here,” said Angel. “He wants us to meet in the library after sunset.”
“So no one’s expecting us anywhere until then,” said Xander.
“Won’t your parents...?” Angel trailed off.
“No, they don’t care. I came home last night. They know I was alive this morning. All I have to do is my laundry, and I can do that later. The washing machine’s in the basement. They finally let me move down there a couple months ago…”
“The basement? Why would you want to do that?”
“It beats listening to them arguing in the next room,” said Xander. “It’s not perfect, but it’s quieter...”
“I’m sorry. A pity you can’t live here,” said Angel. “It’s not like there isn’t a huge amount of space.”
“Buffy and Willow would wonder if I’d lost my mind,” said Xander. “As far as they’re concerned, I hate your guts.”
“Why don’t you?” asked Angel. “You…”
“I think… I don’t know, Angel. I was jealous… I thought I wanted Buffy… now… I think maybe I wanted you both,’ said Xander.
“I just… I didn’t want to see it, so I didn’t,” said Xander.
“I always thought you were attractive,” said Angel. “I just never had any intention of acting on it.”
“I’m not sorry,” said Xander. “I never knew being with… anyone could be that good.”
“I’m happy to oblige,” said Angel, his soft smile betraying just how pleased he was by Xander’s statement.
“What are we going to do?” asked Xander.
“What do you mean?”
“Was this just a one time thing?” asked Xander, trying not to sound disappointed.
“That’s up to you, Xander,” Angel turned to look him in the eye. “Just in case you couldn’t tell, I enjoyed being with you.”
“Oh,” said Xander.
“Besides, you promised to return the favor…” Angel whispered against Xander’s mouth. “If you’re up for it.”
“Oh, I’m definitely up,” said Xander, pulling Angel closer.
“Why don’t we take a shower first,” said Angel.
Xander looked around the bathroom in awe. It was bigger than the bedroom he’d had for so long – it was probably almost as big as his parent’s bedroom. The bath was enormous. All the fittings were gleaming brass – he hadn’t been sure at first that they weren’t gold. He’d never seen anything quite this nice.
As soon as they were under the showerhead, however, Xander’s focus narrowed until all he could see was the man before him, the way the water sluiced down his chest. He’d never really looked at a man’s body before – other than his own – and he couldn’t believe just how much the planes of Angel’s body appealed to him. His tongue wanted to taste, to suck, to discover, every inch of Angel’s body. For the moment, he was contenting himself with kisses, and the pleasure of his hands sliding over Angel’s body, as he lathered him with soap. Angel was returning the favor. God, but that felt good.
Then there was no more soap, and really, no reason to stay in the shower, except, this felt so good… this touching and kissing under the very generous showerhead that felt like a warm waterfall. Xander began to get more adventurous. His tongue had a mind of its own, and Xander just followed it, wherever it wanted to go. Lower, apparently, as his kisses made their way down Angel’s torso, then he found himself in that position, the one he’s been working up to since he started this. His lips were inches from Angel’s cock, heavy and hard. The water showered them both. The only sound was the sound of the water and the sounds he caused Angel to make, despite his lack of need for breath, the little gasps he made. Xander’s tongue flicked out, tentatively, flicking the head of Angel’s cock, and Xander gasped, feeling somehow still shocked at himself. Angel heard his heart speed up.
“You don’t have to,” said Angel.
“I want to…” Xander said.
Xander somehow didn’t have the words to explain that he was scared he would disappoint Angel. Angel pulled him up, wrapping his arms around Xander. Angel looked deeply into Xander’s eyes as though searching for something, and Xander stared back; then leaned in and kissed Angel with slow, passionate deliberation.
“Let’s take this somewhere a bit more comfortable,” he said softly, reaching behind Xander to shut off the water.
Angel wrapped Xander in one of his enormous black towels. It was the largest, thickest towel Xander had ever seen. Angel dried and kissed him, not allowing Xander to do much more than stand there and feel pampered. Xander brought out something in Angel that he had seldom felt for his male lovers – or anyone really, until Buffy. A kind of tenderness. Maybe it was because Xander was completely new at this – or maybe it was something else, but Angel felt incredibly lucky, and he knew Xander could feel it. He led Xander back to the bed.
“You don’t have to do this unless you’re ready,” he said.
“I just want to make you feel as good…” said Xander, finally.
“Are you worried you won’t please me?”
“I don’t think there’s any danger of that. You’re not the only one who’s having an amazing time,” Angel said, his voice cracking slightly.
“You’re not… you won’t…”
“I won’t lose my soul. Every now and then, I think about what Buffy would do if she found us together,” said Angel.
“Oh God,” said Xander. “I really hope that doesn’t happen.”
“So you want to keep us secret?” asked Angel, without thinking.
“Us?” Xander said. “You want there to be an ‘us’?”
Angel stared at him.
“I guess I must,” said Angel, finally.
“Wow,” said Xander. “What does that mean?”
“I have no idea,” said Angel. “I think maybe we need to leave Sunnydale.”
“We?” asked Xander.
“You don’t owe me anything, Xander,” said Angel.
“I think… I think I want us to figure out if we can… if there’s anything but great sex…”
“Well, I wasn’t planning on taking you out of school. You have to finish the school year,” said Angel. “Where have you applied to college?”
“I haven’t,” Xander said in a very small voice.
“Why not?” Angel growled.
“I don’t have the money for that,” said Xander. “My parents are broke.”
“Let me help you,” said Angel. “I’ve saved a little…”
“You’d do that?”
Xander couldn’t believe how easily Angel made this offer. His own father by contrast, had never even thought about trying to help Xander go to college. His mother was too busy to do more than urge him to work harder in school when she read his disappointing reports. Xander had a feeling the offer wasn’t conditional on them remaining lovers either.
“Yes,” said Angel. “What happens when you want to buy a home of your own, maybe have a family?”
He’d been right. Angel was trying to give him a life. He felt deeply humbled, grateful and moved. He swallowed hard before speaking.
“You think I’m going to leave you?”
Xander was surprised by how hurt he felt by that assumption. It had only been one day, after all. Something very profound was happening to him. Suddenly his life had opened up, and it wasn’t anything like he’d ever imagined it might be.
“I think we’re very new,” said Angel. “I could die… You could decide you want a normal life. I want you to have something to do that makes you feel happy, regardless.”
“I like… making things…” Xander said, floored by Angel’s generosity. “I don’t know if I would do well in college.”
“You never know until you try, Xander. What kind of things do you like to make?”
“I made a few pieces of furniture in shop. Shop teacher said I was very good…. But I haven’t done any this year…” said Xander. “He said it was… artistic.”
“You made art furniture?”
“Can I show you something?”
Angel walked out of his bedroom, and into the next room, where he walked over to floor to ceiling bookshelves that occupied one entire wall. They were stuffed with books of every kind. Xander wasn’t really surprised. Buffy had gushed about the books Angel read. Even though Xander was pretty sure she’d never read the ones he’d given her, she’d been impressed. Angel removed several books from a section with several larger, glossy books then he led him over to the comfortable couch, where both men sat. Angel set the books before them on the large glass table, and selected one, which he handed to Xander. Xander stared at the cover. On it was the most beautiful piece of woodwork Xander had ever seen.
“Oh man!” said Xander, opening the book reverently. “This is beyond cool!”
Angel watched Xander’s expression as he slowly turned page after page, his wonder and excitement growing. Xander commented about the various images, his enthusiasm obvious and contagious, even though Angel had read or looked through each book at least once before. Other than answering a few questions, Angel didn’t interrupt Xander’s complete immersion in his books, content instead to simply watch Xander’s almost palpable delight. It was only when Xander had turned the last page of the last book, several hours later that Angel thought it was time to bring him back to the real world.
“I think maybe we should get dressed,” said Angel.
“But…” Xander said.
“It’s getting late. We don’t need to draw attention to ourselves. Besides, there’s something else I want to show you before we go.”
“OK,” said Xander.
“You can come back here later, if you’d like,” said Angel.
“I think I’d like that,” said Xander.
“What will you tell your parents?”
“The truth, mostly…” said Xander. “That I’m hanging out with my friend Angel and I’m going to be ‘studying’.”
“What will you be studying?” asked Angel, grinning at Xander.
Xander really couldn’t remember seeing Angel grin before this. He’d seen Angel laugh once or twice, but Angel looked almost… happy. Had he done that? Hopefully, he wasn’t too happy.
“You,” said Xander, grinning back. “I’ll tell them it’s a history project.”
Angel shook his head, in amusement. A two hundred and fifty year old vampire was definitely
a history project! Xander smirked at him. It was a pleasant moment.
“Hey, I have a question…” asked Xander.
“Did you ever think about trying to get the curse made permanent?”
“I’ve been looking into it,” said Angel, his face suddenly serious.
“What happens if you succeed?”
“What do you mean?” asked Angel. “Are you asking if I would go back to Buffy?”
“Yes,” said Xander. “That’s what I’m asking.”
“You know, I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me something like that… The truth is that right now, I really don’t know. I still… I still love her, Xander… but I don’t know if we could come back from what happened anyway. I killed your – Miss Calendar – well Angelus did.”
“If I can get past it, I suspect Buffy can too,” said Xander, turning away.
“You didn’t kill me,” said Angel. “She had to.”
“No, but I didn’t give you a moment of perfect happiness either,” he didn’t turn around.
“Xander!” Angel said, grasping Xander’s shoulders and turning him around. “Please. I haven’t figured it out yet. Can we please… Can we take this one day at a time?”
“OK,” said Xander. “It just… how can this one day compete with all the time you were with her?”
“How can something this intense happen between us if she and I were meant to work?”
“Are you saying you’re over her?”
“I’m saying I don’t know. I’m saying that… dammit Xander, I don’t know what this is yet… All I know is that… it’s more than just fucking.”
“It is?” Xander asked.
“Yes,” said Angel.
“OK,” said Xander. “I guess that will have to do.”
Yeah I said momma he's crazy and he scares me
But I want him by my side
Though he's wild and he's bad and sometimes just plain mad
I need him to keep me satisfied
I said papa don't cry cause it's alright
And I see you in some of his ways
Though he might not give me
The love that you wanted
I'll love him the rest of my days
Misguided angel hangin’ over me
Heart like a Gabriel,
Pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer,
Black and cold like a piece a lead
Misguided angel, love you till I'm dead
I said brother speak to me of passion
You said never to settle for nothin less
Well it's in the way he walks,
It's in the way he talks
His smile, his anger, and his kisses
Yeah I said sister don't you understand?
He's all I ever wanted in a man
I'm tired of sittin’ round the TV every night
Hoping I'm finding a mister right
Misguided angel hangin’ over me
Heart like a Gabriel, pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer, black and cold like a piece a lead
Misguided angel, love you till I'm dead
He says "baby don't listen to what they say
There comes a time
When you'll have to break away"
He says "baby there are things
We all cling to all our lives
It's time to let them go and become my wife"
By Cowboy Junkies.
Note: The story and chapter title and more than a little of the mood are inspired by or taken from the Cowboy Junkies CD, The Trinity Sessions... An album I was introduced to by someone who changed my life in ways that were quite different from this story, yet no less significant.