Title: Pretty Girl
Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me and I make no money from this.
Summary: Kurt and Finn are becoming closer as step-brothers, and Kurt figured out Finn's darkest secret—the one Finn can't even quite put into words—Finn's transgender, MTF.
Spoilers: Up to “A Very Glee Christmas,” but AU after.
Notes: Based on this prompt: http://community.livejournal.com/glee_angst_meme/4263.html?thread=7393191#t7393191
So, I'm not entirely sure why I've decided to post this here, since it's not a crossover, but I felt the need to share it. It's been eating my life and time lately, I've been writing more of this that anything else. And my recent stint in Glee fandom (mostly on LJ and AO3) is the reason it's been so long since Four Square was updated, and I am very sorry about that. I think, after I finish chapter 4 of this, I will try to work on Four Square. So much of it is written in so many different notebooks, but I am rubbish at transcribing.
***** Sometimes, the Hardest Question to Answer is "Who Am I?" *****
It starts a little at a time. The Hudson-Hummel clan has been living under the same roof for a few weeks when Finn starts asking Kurt some personal questions. Kurt's home from Dalton for Christmas break and he and Finn are playing video games in the basement. Finn's been a lot quieter since he and Rachel broke up, and Kurt wonders if it's bothering Finn more than he's been saying. Kurt's just about to ask Finn if he's okay when Finn finally blurts out the question.
“How did you know you were gay?”
Kurt cocks his head to the side. He and Finn have grown close enough that he doesn't think Finn's trying to start anything, or be mean, and he knows Finn's still upset over the fall-out from the “lamp incident” last year. So he takes the question as seriously as he thinks Finn means it.
“Well,” Kurt starts, “There are some really little things, and of course the big obvious ones. I never liked holding hands with girls when we did dance units in gym, or in dance class. I always wanted to hold hands with boys. I never wanted to kiss girls, or do anything romantic with them, only ever guys. When I dream. You know, the dreams that usually leave you sticky afterward?” he says watching his step-brother blush and nod. “Well, the dreams were always about guys. It's always been plainly obvious to me—I like boys and not girls.”
“Did you ever try to, like, force yourself to like girls?” Finn asks.
“I dated Brittany,” Kurt says. “We kissed, and made out. I even let her touch me, you know, there,” he admitted, blushing. Finn's blush matched Kurt as he realized what Kurt was saying, “But something about how soft her hands were, and how feminine she felt and smelled in my arms, I just couldn't keep it up. I had to think about Orlando Bloom just to last as long as I did.”
“Did you ever think about pretending longer, to keep your Dad happy?” Finn asks.
“My dad saw right through me,” Kurt says. “He wasn't fooled for a second.”
“Was it hard to come out, the first time?” Finn asks Kurt, and Kurt gets an odd feeling about the questions Finn is asking, the way he's asking him, and the tone of voice he's using.
“It was terrifying,” Kurt said. “The first time I ever said, 'I'm gay,' was to Mercedes. She had a crush on me back then, and I tried to divert her attention by claiming a crush on Ra—on somebody else.”
“You can say her name,” Finn said, rolling his eyes. “I'm over her.”
“Well, okay. So I told Mercedes I had a crush on Rachel, and she flipped out. I didn't want to lose Mercedes as a friend, so I told her the truth.”
“Weren't you scared? That she'd tell everyone and nobody would be your friend anymore?”
“Finn, I only had three friends. And anybody who has a problem with my sexuality isn't worth my time.”
Finn doesn't answer. He stares at the screen for a little while longer until they both die, then he switches the TV off. “I need food.” Finn disappears up the stairs before Kurt really knows what's going on. Something is bothering Finn, and Kurt wants to know what it is.
It's a couple weeks before the next incident, and when it happens, Kurt doesn't know what to think. That Friday is a Teacher's Day, so there aren't any classes at Dalton. Kurt decides to take advantage of the day off by driving home for a long weekend in Lima. Carol and Burt are both at their respective jobs. Kurt's a little surprised to see Finn's second-hand truck out on the street, since Glee practice is usually going on right about now. Kurt wonders if Finn is sick, and feels compelled to go up to Finn's room to check on him. He wouldn't have gone into Finn's room if he hadn't heard crying.
“No, go away, I hate you go away,” Finn says in between little gasping sobs. “Mailman, mailman, mailman. I hate you! Go away!”
As Kurt walks into Finn's bedroom, the initial image doesn't match the tone of Finn's voice at all. What Kurt sees at first is Finn lying on his bed, his pants down around his knees and his hand on his hard cock. Kurt plans on turning away and leaving Finn alone to masturbate until the truth of the image hits him. Finn isn't stroking
his cock. He's not masturbating or enjoying himself at all. No, his fingernails are digging into the flesh of his erection, almost looking like he wants to rip it off while he cries and swears at it. This is an intensely private, emotional moment and Kurt turns and flees, not wanting Finn to know he's caught him like this.
Kurt doesn't really know what to do. He decides to go out to his car and carry his overnight bags to his room, then go to the kitchen to make him and Finn something to eat. Kurt can't stop thinking about what he just saw, though. He finds himself thinking about the talk the other night, when Finn kept asking him questions about being gay. Is Finn having a sexual identity crisis? Is he questioning his sexuality? Kurt isn't sure what he witnessed upstairs, but he knows that Finn is bothered by something and he wants to help his friend out. Kurt refuses to think “brother” only minutes after seeing Finn's erection. Because even though Kurt's infatuation has faded almost completely, Finn is still a physically attractive man and concerned or not the slight physical reactions that Kurt's body are having aren't exactly brotherly. Kurt tries to push all those thoughts aside because he's not
in love with Finn. He's romantically interested in Blaine, with whom he's gone out on one real date and one coffee date since Kurt started at Dalton.
Kurt has put away his things and is starting on dinner when Finn comes down into the kitchen.
“Hey!” Finn says, grinning at Kurt as he gives his step-brother a side-hug. “I didn't know you were coming home this weekend!”
“Teachers have a conference thing, so no classes today. I would have come home last night, but I got caught up in emergency Warbler's practice. I may have possibly let it slip to Wes and David that the people singing solos at Sectionals were totally the B-Team, and the Warblers have no chance of beating ND at our current level.”
“Are you trying to scare them into losing or scare them into winning?” Finn asks, furrowing his brow.
“I'm not actually sure,” Kurt admits. “I'd love to win at Regionals, I really would. But the Warblers aren't at risk of getting their Glee club cut, and New Directions is. Mostly I'm trying not to think about it too much.”
“What are you making for dinner?” Finn asks
“Lasagna. The beef is 95-5 and the cheese is low fat, made from skim, so it shouldn't be too bad for Dad if I don't add too much salt. Do you want to help?”
“What can I do?” Finn asks
“Well, first wash your hands, then empty a ricotta container into a bowl and add a third of a cup of the fake eggs stuff,” Kurt directs. Finn follows directions pretty well, and helps Kurt get dinner going. While they work, Finn comes up with more questions for Kurt.
“Kurt?” Finn started.
“Yes?” Kurt answered.
“Do you ever wish you were a girl? Or think of yourself a girl?” Finn asked.
Kurt is startled at first, and it takes him a few seconds to calm himself down and realize that this is the new Finn, not the old one, who threw pee balloons at him and called him a girl in a cruel way. This is Finn his friend, his brother, who is genuinely asking him a question.
“Not really,” Kurt says, and he watches Finn's face fall, as the hopeful look Finn's eyes held drains away. “I mean, sometimes I wonder if my life might be easier if I was born a straight girl, or if I was a straight guy, but I'm generally pretty happy being a man. And being a gay man.” He watches different emotions flit across Finn's face and he can swear to Gaga that Finn looks like somebody just kicked his puppy hardcore. “Do you?” he asks gently.
“No,” Finn says quickly, defensively.
“It's okay if you have, Finn, I won't think any less of you. I have wondered
at times what it might be like to be a girl.”
Finn doesn't answer Kurt. He continues to work on the lasagna with Kurt in silence. When the lasagna is put together, they slide it into the oven, and Kurt sets the timer.
“Kurt, do you ever hate your body?” Finn asks.
“I think everyone hates something about themselves sometimes,” Kurt said. “I don't always like the shape of my face, or the sound of my voice. As much as I like singing
like a girl I usually wish I sounded more like a man when I talk. I wish I was a couple inches taller.”
“I hate it,” Finn said. “I hate
being tall! Every time I get an inch taller I just want to die! It sucks! I'm like a freak or something!” Finn bangs his fist on the counter, startling Kurt, before turning around and running up the stairs. Kurt sighs as he watches his step-brother disappear to his bedroom. He's beginning to formulate a theory about Finn, and while parts of it don't mesh at all with his idea of who Finn is, there are parts that actually make more sense. Going down to his bedroom, but leaving the door open so he can hear the oven timer ring, Kurt fires up his computer and starts looking up some of the words he's heard mentioned at the LGBTQ group Blaine brings him to every week. He starts typing into google, transgender
Kurt is alone with Finn again the next day. Burt and Carol have gone out again, on a date. Kurt and Finn are playing video games again. This time, Kurt decides, it's his turn to ask the questions.
“Finn, did you ever really love Quinn?” Kurt asks.
“I...I dunno. I cared about her a lot, I thought I loved her,” Finn says. “Most of the time, of course, she was a heinous bitch, but she was soft and beautiful. I liked being around her.”
“How about Rachel?” Kurt asks. “Were you in love with Rachel?”
“I don't know,” Finn says. “I think I convinced myself I was. She wanted me, and she worked so hard to get me, why not let her get me in the end?”
“Finn, why do you date?” Kurt asks.
“I dunno. I'm sixteen, it's expected of me, right? Football player, basketball player, freakishly tall monster-boy. I'm supposed to go out with pretty girls,” Finn says, and Kurt can hear a lot of self-deprecation in Finn's answer.
“Can I ask you another question?” Kurt asks. “And I promise that if you answer me honestly I'll never tell another person, ever.”
“What's the question?” Finn asks, genuinely curious, but a little scared.
“When you have your eyes closed, and you're lying back in bed, or when you're dreaming, and you think about yourself, what do you look like?”
“Smaller,” Finn says. “Shorter, thinner, longer hair. Things like that.”
“And are you a boy or a girl?” Kurt asks. Kurt sees Finn's hands clench around the game controller hard enough that he isn't surprised when he hears the plastic crack. Hopefully they can fix it with some duct tape. Finn's eyes are screwed shut and his face is a mask of fear and pain.
“Finn,” Kurt says. “I won't tell anyone. What's the truth?”
“A girl,” Finn whispers. “In my dreams I'm a girl. I wish I was a girl.”
“Why?” Kurt asks. “Or, 'how so?' might be a better question.”
“I want to be small, and delicate. I want to have long hair and move gracefully and not stomp around like a gorilla. I just want to be pretty,” Finn chokes out.
“Do you feel like a girl is what you're really supposed to be, only you're in the wrong body?” Kurt asks
Finn's eyes snap open at the question.
“How do you know that? Nobody knows that. When I was little, asked my mom when I would get to turn into a girl, and when she said never I wanted to die,” Finn says in a mixture of accusation and sadness.
“Because it's not that uncommon, Finn,” Kurt says, turning off the video game and letting down the controller. He comes over to Finn and pries the controller from Finn's hands. “There's a word for it. It's called 'Transgender.' That's what the T in the LGBT stands for. It means, if that's what you are, that you were physically born a boy, but in your head and in your heart, you're a girl.”
“Yes,” Finn hisses out, in a frightening combination of a whisper and a shout that results in a terrifying choking noise. “Yes. That's it. I'm a girl. In my head, I'm a girl.”
“I found a whole bunch of websites online for you,” Kurt says. “Yesterday, after we talked in the kitchen I had a hunch, so I did some research. Do you want to see?”
“Yes,” Finn says. “I'm a little scared, though.”
“I won't tell anybody anything until you want me to,” Kurt promises. “You're my br—sister now. My sister, and I'm going to look out for you, because that's what big brothers do.”
*end part one*