It’s All About *Who* Says It
Summary: Sheldon stuns the guys and Penny with talk of his sexual escapades.
Warning: I don’t know; maybe language and innuendo somewhere along the way. Goofy blunt talk of sex.
Timeline: post-series BtVS/AtS; whenever in The Big Bang Theory.
Challenge: Only Sheldon’s use of the word ‘coitus’ inspired this.
A/N: hopefully this will make you laugh.
Disclaimer: BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. TBBT characters belong to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and CBS. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.
Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment
Sheldon glanced at the clock, then double-checked the time on his watch. Suddenly he stood up and announced, “Excuse me, but as per my request of two weeks ago, I will need all of you to vacate the apartment for the evening.”
“What’s going on, Sheldon?” Penny asked from her seat. She was comfy and really didn’t want to move unless the world was ending.
Hoping to speed things along, Sheldon answered in his usual blunt manner, “I have a young woman coming over so we can engage in coitus. I have everything set up in the bedroom for us, but it would be more comfortable for her if she knew you weren’t here.”
Raj leaned over to whisper in Howard’s ear. Howard shook his head and answered, “No, I don’t believe him either. What’s really
going on tonight, Sheldon? We don’t buy that story.”
“It’s the truth!” Sheldon said in exasperation, starting to worry that they weren’t moving.
Despite his roommate’s obvious discomfort, Leonard just couldn’t leave without discussing the matter further, “You have to look at it from our point of view, Sheldon. First of all, there’s the unnaturalness of you having sex. Then there’s the fact that you call it coitus.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Sheldon asked with annoyance. “It is the correct word for sexual intercourse.”
Penny didn’t want to hear a discussion about sexual terminology, so she changed the subject by inquiring, “Who’s the lucky girl?” And without a hint of sarcasm either!
Sighing, Sheldon sat down on his spot on the couch. He now realized he’d have to tell them if he had any hope of getting rid of them. “We met a few years ago, when she was drinking copious amounts of alcohol in order to forget ‘the poof and the bleached menace’, whoever they were. I assumed they were past boyfriends who had wronged her in some way. We started conversing, and once she sobered up, we engaged in coitus,” he explained, clearly skipping a few points in his story.
Howard just looked stunned. “You
…the guy who hates shaking hands…you had sex…with a stranger
?” he asked in disbelief.
Sheldon sat up straight, offended by the tone. He quickly assured them, “I used adequate safety measures. I was wondering what all the hoopla about coitus was, and her stories of her life intrigued me. It was moderately enjoyable, so I suggested that when she came back to town, that we engage in it again.”
Shaking his head, Leonard wondered aloud, “How many times have you had sex with her?” How could he have missed this happening?
“I’d say on average twice a year,” Sheldon answered after going over it in his head. “Fortunately, her job requires a lot of travel, or she may want something more than just casual encounters.”
Raj whispered something again, and this time Howard nodded his agreement, “Yeah, I’m still stuck on the thought of what kind of woman would go for Sheldon’s line of ‘Let’s have coitus.’”
The doorbell rang, making Sheldon look distressed. “Oh dear, I promised her that she wouldn’t be subjected to you. Don’t make her feel uncomfortable.”
Penny chuckled wryly. “Did Sheldon seriously just tell us how to behave so somebody feels welcome?”
Nobody had the chance to answer her because they heard a perky voice say from the doorway, “There’s my Spock! Are you ready to have some earth-moving coitus?”
In true Sheldon fashion, he greeted her formally, “Hello, Buffy. I regret to inform you that my roommate and friends have not vacated the premises yet – despite my written and verbal requests that they do so,” he said, sounding almost petulant.
“So I’m sounding pretty slutty right now, huh? Oh well, suppose I’d better met them and get it over with,” Buffy replied, walking in to greet the firing squad. She knew it had to happen sooner or later if she kept having sex with the guy.
When they saw her, four jaws dropped to the floor. She was decked out in a slinky black dress with high-heeled stilettos. Basically, she looked like every geek’s wet dream.
Howard pushed Raj away when he leaned in to whisper again. “I know! How did--? Why did--?” he sputtered.
Rolling his eyes, Sheldon interpreted, “I believe what they are attempting to ask is why someone who looks like you would be with someone like me.”
“Pretty much,” Leonard agreed easily.
Penny shook her head, and said, “I want to know where she got the shoes.”
Smiling brightly at the other blonde bombshell in the room, Buffy answered, “Milan. You like?”
“Hello! Bigger question here!” Howard shouted.
Buffy was caught off-guard at the vehemence in Howard’s voice. “What? Sheldon’s so cute! He’s like a human Spock. And he’s so
completely different from my usual kind of guy,” she admitted.
Sheldon looked inordinately pleased at being compared to Spock. Then he calmed himself down and remarked, “They also seem to have difficulty understanding that you weren’t put off by my use of the word ‘coitus’ when referring to sexual intercourse.”
Quickly running her hand up his arm once – and only once ‘cause she knew PDAs bothered him – Buffy said, “He wouldn’t be Sheldon if he used another word for it. And, I don’t know, it sends the yummiest shivers down my spine when he says it,” she added, shivering at the idea.
Spellbound by her movements, Howard attempted to make her do it again. “Really? Coitus
She shivered, but not in a good way that time. “Eww, not when you
say it. You make it sound dirty. I think it’s because he reminds me of a friend who died awhile back. She had a very blunt way of speaking, too. Besides, after that first time, I know that his intelligence also extends to the bedroom. So in honor of Anya’s memory, I’d like to ask you all to leave so Sheldon and I can give each other many orgasms,” Buffy declared, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at the gob-smacked expressions of the people in the room. A quick glance at Sheldon showed that he was amused as well.
A/N: I know it’s practically a crackfic, but I had to do it!