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It's Brittany, Bitch

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This story is No. 2 in the series "There Can Be Only One". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: An Interlude to There Can Be Only One. Brittany's a slayer now. Whatever that means. FFA Brittany/Harmony

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Glee(Past Donor)akatFR1519583201,4622 Feb 112 Feb 11Yes
Disclaimer: Glee and BtVS belong to their respective owners, neither of which is me.
Spoilers: All of BtVS through Season 7 and Glee through Season 2 Episode 10 (just to be safe).
Timeline: Takes place around the time of There Can Be Only One, which is set after the Glee ep, Hell-O (Season 1 Ep 14).

A/N: For those expecting a direct sequel to There Can Be Only One, I’m sorry and I hope this doesn’t disappoint. There will be a sequel with Sue, I promise (though I may have to throw a few more Brittany one-shots in, too, because she’s just hilarious!).



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Brittany walked down the darkened streets of Lima, her unicorn figurine in hand (the one that came alive when she was asleep and totally macked on her cat). She had forgotten to take Harry out for his afternoon walk, so she was trying to make it up to him now, but he was still being standoffish. Whatever.

As she passed by the parking lot to the library, she noticed there was a familiar truck parked way in the back. It looked like Puck’s. She was just going to walk by, but she started to get this tingly feeling, kinda like the one she got whenever she and Santana cuddled.

Brittany brightened. Maybe that meant Santana was in there.

With a pop of her gum, she skipped over to the truck and opened the door very carefully, making sure not to tear it off the hinges (she had eaten some leftover Chinese food for breakfast last week, and it had made her super strong).

Puck was inside, but the girl wasn’t Santana. Actually, Brittany didn’t know who the girl was at all. She didn’t get much time to figure it out, either, because the girl immediately launched herself at Brittany.

Without thinking about it, Brittany used the girl’s momentum against her and rolled with the hit so the girl flew past her. She thought she might’ve used too much strength, but the girl didn’t seem hurt or anything as stood up and stamped her foot.

“I thought slayers lived on the Hellmouth!” the girl whined as she brushed her long blonde hair out of her face. Then a nervous look came across her face as she looked around. “Wait, are you alone? Where’s your Watcher?”

Brittany frowned in confusion as she looked at her wrist. That’s when she remembered that she had lost her watch – just yesterday, actually, when that creepy old guy who was totally perving on her tried to grab her, saying that she was called (Whatever. She checked her phone and there were no missed calls). She looked back at the girl. That’s when she noticed the girl’s clothes and makeup.

A light went off in Brittany’s head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt… especially when you’re working,” she said, biting her lip to keep from giggling.

The girl’s jaw dropped open. “I’m not working!” she exclaimed hotly. “I’m a vam—I mean, yeah… it’s totally cool. Girl’s gotta make a living, right? But I’m done here, so, ah, I’ll just go.”

She gave Brittany a big smile and started to leave. Brittany waved goodbye with Harry.

As soon as she did that, though, the girl stopped dead in her tracks. “Oh my God! Is that a unicorn from the limited Starlight collection?” she squealed, dashing over to her to get a closer look.

Brittany held up Harry for the girl to look at. She didn’t hand him over, though, because she could totally see the way the girl was eyeing him.

“Ooh, where did you get it? And how? It’s, like, impossible to find,” the girl said, her eyes wide with amazement.

Brittany smiled. “Santa Claus gave him to me,” she explained.

The girl blinked at her. Then she rolled her eyes. “Seriously? Because that is so second grade,” she laughed.

Brittany was about to shush her in case anyone was listening (because everyone knew that squirrels were Santa’s summer elves), but she was distracted by a sound coming from the truck.

Puck. She had forgotten about him. She turned to look at him, knowing that he’d be pissed at her for interrupting. Before she could see him, however, the girl attacked her.

They both fell to the ground, grappling with each other as they rolled around. It would’ve been hot except the girl was like, really, really ugly. And she smelled kinda funny.

As they started to roll over again, Brittany felt a little separation between their bodies. She quickly pulled her knees up, tucking into a tight ball as she rolled onto to her back. She planted her feet on the girl’s chest and pushed.

The girl flew through the air and landed with a thud, like, a good ten feet away. Cool.

The girl hissed at her. Brittany giggled (she kinda looked like Santana whenever someone tried to take the last breadstick). Then the girl just turned and ran, saying something about finding a better way to survive.

Brittany thought that was a good idea. She kinda sucked as a hooker.

Just then, Puck let out another groan. Brittany turned toward him, totally ready to offer to make out with him for ruining his night. Then she saw blood trickling down his neck. He wasn’t really moving or anything, either.

Brittany frowned. Now that she thought about it, Puck would never get with a hooker. Only losers paid for sex. And old people.

For a brief second, she thought about chasing down that girl again. Then she shook her head. Puck needed help.

She carefully tucked Harry into the waistband of her Cheerios skirt. She hesitated for just a second before pushing Puck over to the passenger side and sliding behind the wheel. The State of Ohio had made her promise never to drive again, but this was an emergency (she just had to remember not to put this in her diary, because her cat would totally rat her out).

As she started the engine, Puck raised his head and squinted at her. “I knew you were badass, but what the fuck, Brittany?” he mumbled.

She reached over and patted his hand comfortingly.

“I’m allergic to Chinese food,” she explained. “But, like, in a totally awesome way.”


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The End

You have reached the end of "It's Brittany, Bitch". This story is complete.

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