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Sanitation Hazards

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Summary: Seriously, it was just a stupid little bite! Was it that hard just to get it patched?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > ScrubsjoshlamontFR71603181,7117 Feb 117 Feb 11Yes
Honestly, I'm a little ashamed to post something this short, but the idea would just not let me be!

As always, I own neither Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor Scrubs.

“Now, let’s see what we can do for you, Ms… Buf-fy Summers.” The doctor pulled his glasses down. “Buffy? Really? What kind of name is Buffy?”

“What kind is name is Jan?” Buffy challenged.

“My mother gave me that name,” the doctor said defensively. “Right before a pack of rabid wolves tore her away.” He gave a small sniff. “Me and pap never saw her since.” He picked up his clipboard. “And it’s pronounced yan, by the way. Yan Eetore.”

Buffy snorted. “Whatever.”

“Now, let’s see, it looks like you were bitten. Did you happen to tell what kind of bat it was?”

“Bat?” Buffy stared. “I wasn’t bitten by a bat!”

“A vampire bat, to be precise,” the doctor said. “Nasty little buggers, and difficult to diagnose because their teeth marks are so closely spaced to real vampires.”

“Eh heh-heh…”

“Unless you were jousting with barbeque forks, but that’s ridiculous because everybody knows the proper tines were banned by the United Nation Food-Fighting Protocols of 1957.”


“Dr. Dorian!” The… doctor? -turned around. “I was just going to ask you for a consult- do you think this bite was caused by a Hairy Legged or White-winged vampire bat?”

“What? Give me that!” Dr. Dorian said, snatching the clipboard out of the doctor’s hands. “She wasn’t bit by a bat, Janitor!”

“Hm. I think you may be right, Doctor. That was definitely a vampire. Have you been dating anyone unusually cold, lately, miss?”

“You’re not a real doctor?” Buffy said with wide eyes.

“What? Of course I am! I went through the three weeks of correspondence. I’m also a fully-accredited Shaman in several small African countries.”

“Janitor, I told you you can’t go around diagnosing patients like this!”

The janitor stared at Dr. Dorian. “Are you qualified in spiriticism?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Can you name all four humors of the body?”

“What? That doesn't make any sense!”

A sharp whistle came from outside the room. "Luann! What are you doing!"

Dr. Dorian turned. "Dr. Cox! Janitor won't leave this woman alone. And he's saying it's a vampire!"

The curly-haired man outside the door scowled. "A vampire? Goddammit, I told those bastards they couldn't have any free handouts!" he muttered, walking away. "Jordan!"

Dr. Dorian turned to Buffy. "Don't worry, miss, I'm sure he'll be right back."

Buffy growled. "The only reason I'm even here is because the very persistent policeman insisted I get checked out. Just give me a bandaid and let me go!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Summers, but we just can't do that," the janitor said. "It's against hospital policy to let undead roam the halls."

Dr. Dorian blinked. "What? No, it's not!"

The janitor paused. "Well, no, it's my policy, but since I'm in charge of sanitation you all don't have a choice- do you have any idea how messy the undead are?"

"I'm not undead!"

"There's no such thing as undead!"

There was a brief pause.

"Okay, where the hell's this vampire?" A pissy looking brunette stalked into the room. She glanced at Dr. Dorian. "Why isn't prissy-boy dead or screaming in the corner? Perry?"

"He said the girl's a vampire!"

"Janitor said the girl's a vampire!"

"No, I distinctly said that she was bitten by a vampire."

"That's it?" Jordan rolled her eyes and turned to Buffy. "Man up, slap a band-aid on it, and quit acting like a pussy!"

Buffy screamed.

The End

You have reached the end of "Sanitation Hazards". This story is complete.

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