Chapter One: Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom
Disclaimer: I don't own buffy verse, girl genius verse, DC comics or any of that
AN: I’ve been posting this story on another site due to the fact that I was unaware that there was a website devoted to all that is good in btvs crossover fanfiction. Several readers asked that I post this story to this site, so I thought I’d try my luck and see if others enjoy the fruit of my sleepless nights. This first chapter was the rabid plot bunny that kept me up at night and wouldn’t let me sleep, later chapters have done the same as the character really came to life for me. The other 17 chapters that have been completed contain substantially less onomatopoeia, I promise you. With that, I hope you enjoy, because I only write because I enjoy it.
Chapter 1: Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom
Halloween was right around the corner and Xander Harris had high hopes that this Halloween would have been different than all of the past ones. Just once, Xander wanted to go to the party with the "cool kids" and not be relegated to being the 'king of the rejects' or 'one of the girls' in the Scooby gang. As usual though, Snyder had gone and ruined that chance. The one night of the year when the things that go bump would be laying low, and Snyder had to go and saddle Xander with a gang of rug-rats to take trick-or-treating. At least he would get some sugary goodness, not of the Twinkie level of sugary goodness, but still sugary goodness. All he needed now was a costume.
Walking into "Ethan's" costume store Xander entered just in time to hear a combined Willow and Buffy squeal as Buffy found the 'perfect costume to impress deadboy.'
"Bah, why she is interested in that rotten corpse I will never figure out," Xander said under his breath in disgust as he walked through the aisles towards the bargain bins. "He's old enough to be her great grandfather times a couple of greats." Xander finished.
"Now just to find a gun and I can get out of here without having to deal with Buffy and her dreams of her true love Captain Hairgel." Xander stated under his breath, looking around through empty barrels of toy swords and guns, none of the ones left really a fit for the set of fatigues that he had at home and only a kid's marshmallow gun.
"Perhaps I can help you." A British sounding voice spoke right behind Xander.
"Aaaaagh!" Xander spat, leaping around in a circle and assuming a crazy kungfu stance with hands in blocking position in front of his head. When nothing happened for a second, he lowered his hands to see a smirking man of Gile's age.
"A bit jumpy my dear boy, perhaps I can help you find something? My name is Ethan and this is my establishment." The brit stated, a casual smirk shining through at Xander.
"Um, no, I think I can handle it." Xander said self consciously. "I don't have that much money to spend and I need to run an errand for Giles as soon as I'm done here." He blabbed, doing a fair imitation of Willow-Babble.
"Giles? That wouldn't happen to be Rupert Giles would it?" The man stated, a weird smile forming on his face which set off Xander's internal Hellmouth sense.
"Um, yes." Xander said, slowly trying to move backwards and step away from the store owner.
"Well, for a friend of my old dear friend Rupert, I insist on giving you a discount. It's the least I could do to provide such an enjoyable evening for an acquaintance of my dear old friend." Ethan stated, his smile still pasted on his face.
Whew, Xander internally sighed as he stopped backing up. Apparently this guy knew Giles, and if he was a friend of Giles, then he should be ok. It wasn't as if anything dangerous could be associated with friendship with 'The Man in Tweed' that was the G-man.
Looking up at Ethan, Xander noticed a glass case behind the man. Perched on a display rack in the case was a small faux-gold pocket watch with a metal eye in the middle of it. It must have been some play jewelry for somebody who belonged to the Mason's or some other such group, but the pocket watch spurred a thought in Xander's head.
Quickly turning around to the bin behind him, Xander pulled out the red and gold marshmallow gun and then moved around Ethan to take the pocket-watch out of the glass case.
Looking up at Ethan with a smile Xander questioned, "How much for the gun and the pocket watch?"
Quirking a questioning eyebrow at Xander, Ethan asked, "How much do you have?"
"Um," Xander said. Digging in his pockets and turning them inside out, Xander was able to pull out twenty dollars in a mix of change, bills, and pocket lint.
"Twenty bucks." Xander said, cringing a bit as he didn't think that would be enough to purchase the pocket watch let alone the watch and the marshmallow gun.
"Sold!" Ethan stated with a grin, "Just do me a favor and don't tell Giles where you got the gifts from until tomorrow. The smile on your face is enough to make up the difference." The man stated continue to grin, or perhaps that was a smirk?
"Ok, that works." Xander said with a shrug as he handed over the cash and hurriedly left the store. He only had a couple of hours left to get his costume together before he had to meet up with Buffy and Willow to take the kids out candy gathering.
"Coming!" Joyce Summers yelled as she walked up to the door.
Opening the door she was surprised to see Xander standing in the doorway, a red and gold gun of some sort held in one hand, a black rubber tube trailed from the back of the gun and it attached to a fishbowl that seemed to be lit up with a couple blue light bulbs. The glowing fishbowl had a handle and was attached to the strap of an over the shoulder leather bag, and a couple packages of marshmallows could be seen poking out of the top of the bag. The rest of his costume seemed to be made up of a bloused shirt, brown leather pants and boots and a belt with assorted wrenches, hammers, a knife, and a pouch that jingled with the sounds of nuts and bolts. The strangest part of Xander's costume was the little pocket watch, with an eye on its case, that seemed to be attached to Xander's shoulder like a parrot; little arms and legs had been created and attached to the watch allowing it to stand on his shoulder.
Xander stood there, striking a 'heroic pose' in the doorway, a bright smile on his face.
"Ah my dear lady! I, Xander Heterodyne, grandson of Agatha Heterodyne, Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, Othar Tryggvassen Gentleman Adventurer, and Castle Heterodyne am here to protect the lovely ladies of Summer on our grand adventure and loot gathering escapade!" Xander said, switching from a pose with his gun in his left hand to assuming a pose as if he was an Adonis body builder and was pointing off into the distance.
Joyce Summers laughed at Xander's madcap actions and statements.
"I don't know exactly what that means or who you are supposed to be, but the girls will be down in a second." Joyce stated, stepping back so that Xander could enter the house.
Xander walked in, still smiling, and explained to Joyce who he was dressed as.
"It's this really interesting comic book about mad scientists who are geniuses that building things, making themselves stronger, or even twisting or breaking the rules of nature and science. It's a lot of fun!" Xander explained.
"I thought about being one of the evil mad scientists and wearing a shirt that said something like, 'Fools! I will Destroy you all… ask me how!' But then I've always been more of the hero type so figured I would be the adventuring mad genius scientist grandson of a bunch of the hero's in the story." Xander explained, sitting down to wait for the girls to join him.
"Wait, didn't you say you were also the grandson of the Castle though, what was that about?" Joyce questioned.
"What part of mad genius scientists didn't you understand? The story was always full of crazy things like Castles coming alive with dangerous and deranged minds or machines as well as crazy monsters or wacky ideas." Xander stated, opening a package of large marshmallows and loading them into his gun.
"And the marshmallows?" Joyce questioned as she loaded a dish of candy by the door in preparation for trick-or-treaters.
"Can't be an adventure with the spark of genius and not have a death-ray!" Xander stated, patting his gun lovingly as he finished loading it.
"This here is my 'Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom'." Xander said, giving Joyce his patented grin. "Though most of the characters in the adventures were extra strong and often had giant machines to help protect them, they almost always had some sort of wacky weapon. This here beauty will shoot flaming plasma marshmallows at near light speeds… well, that is it would if it really worked." Xander stated with a shrug just as Buffy walked flounced down the stairs.
Looking up at Buffy, Xander jumped up and bowed.
"Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!"
Buffy curtsied, "Thank you, kind Sir. Um, no offense Xander, but who are you supposed to be?"
"Xander Heterodyne, Gentleman Adventurer!" Xander stated, striking a heroic pose.
"Um, is that supposed to mean something to me?" Buffy asked with a cute quirk of her head. She then turned her back on Xander and yelled for Willow to come down and show Xander her costume.
Xander's shoulders slumped. Apparently it was true, Buffy did see Xander as nothing more than 'one of the girls.
Xander sighed internally. Perhaps, he thought, it was time for him to give up pining over Buffy and move on to being interested in another girl?
His introspection was interrupted by the sound of Willow clunking down the stairs.
"Just wait until you see Willow's costume Xander, you are going to love it!" Buffy stated with a crafty smile on her face, well as crafty as bleach for brains Buffy Summers can get.
Willow rounded the corner of the steps and waved at Xander from under the sheets of her yearly ghost costume.
"And what a lovely boo to you too Willow." Xander stated before looking back at Buffy, "Alright, let's go. I'll explain the costume to you on the way to picking up the kids."
The kiddies were well into the nighttime candy gathering, and through liberal usage of puppy dog eyes, tears, and Xander patented strategies, the kids had never gathered so much candy before.
"Ok gang, on to Ms. Sutherby's house, always a good place as she gives out large sized candy bars." Xander stated as they walked down the driveway.
Just as they stepped onto the sidewalk, a magical pulse rippled out across Sunnydale, and the world changed.
Willow's body dropped like a puppet whose strings had been cut, falling in between a pair of hedges that divided the properties they were in front of. Where once had been a pack of kids was now a group of monsters, pirates, thieves, and even a little werewolf. The pack of monsters and marauders didn't care about candy in the bags by their feet; they now only wanted loot and blood. Thus it was that they turned as one to attack the only standing human figure in their midst.
"Ah HA! Have at thee monsters!" Xander Heterodyne stated, fluidly sidestepping the little werewolf while sliding inside of the stab of the pirate and backhanding the fang toothed monster that was attempting to leap for his neck.
"What fun! An Adventure!" Xander cackled, grabbing the pirate by the throat in one hand while at the same time looping his gun over his shoulder while he ducked and did a spinning kick, effectively sweeping the monster's legs out from under them and using the momentum of the spin to launch the pirate across the street and through the window of the house that was there.
The former pocket watch on Xander's shoulder jumped off of Xander in the midst of the brawl and pulled out a little miniature sledge hammer. The little 'clank', robotic pocket watch, then began to smash the toes, fingers and noses of the creatures surrounding Xander, adding to the general chaos surrounding the battle and causing several creatures to hop up and down on one foot at just the right time for Xander to pop them one in the face.
Monsters flew in all directions, soaring a good 25 to 50 feet in all direction, launched by the power of Xander's blows.
Xander got bored with playing with the pack of creeps and used the space around himself to situate his gun and charge it.
The gun gave an ominous hum as it fully charged, the ball of blue energy at the end of the black hose snapped and crackled with constrained fury as it was stopped from warping the reality around Xander by a thin layer of glass.
Just as Xander raised his Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom at one of the scurrying creatures, he was interrupted by a phantasm.
"Stop Xander! Don't hurt them! They're just kids who have been changed into monsters!" The Ghost of Willow shouted.
Pausing, Xander quirked his head to the side as he shouldered his gun, "I'm sorry mademoiselle, but did I know you during your life?"
Confused, Willow looked at Xander, "Of course you know me Xander, it's me, Willow. And what do you mean during my life?" Willow questioned.
"Um, I'm sorry mademoiselle, but I've never seen you before, as I'm sure I would have remembered such a ravishing beauty such as yourself." Xander said with a suave smile and a short bow.
"As for not being alive, perhaps a demonstration." Xander said, at which point he took a step right through Willow and out the other side, passing right through her.
"OhMyGod! I'mAGhost! ITurnedIntoMyCostume!" Willow babbled out quickly without taking a breath, and then she looked at Xander, "That means you turned into your costume too!"
Xander stepped back, "I'm sorry my lady, but you are mistaken, I am clearly Xander Heterodyne, Gentleman Adventurer and noted Spark. At your service." Xander stated with a bow.
Xander bowed just in time for a little hellion, who had been aiming to leap at the back of Xander's neck, to go flying over his back and fly right through Willow's incorporeal body.
Standing up, Xander snap-kicked through Willow's body and knocked the little hellion, formerly a trick-or-treater, out with a blow to its head.
"Ah yes, now where were we?" Xander said, looking Willow up and down.
Xander started pacing around Willow's body, occasionally poking a finger through her and making her flinch. He pulled a pencil and a pad of paper out of his pouches, which was surprising considering the pouches were way too small to house the two items. Taking down notes, he continued to circle her and comment. "My yes, a perfect specimen of Baron Von Gugenhiem's third theory of Astral-projection, a fully functional and somewhat communitive specter of a street walker!" Xander stated.
"Tell me, do you feel cold? Are you interested in rutabagas? Perhaps have an urge to seek out the pulp of kumquats? What do you miss the most about life? How did you die?" Xander rapid fired questions at Willow so quickly that she didn't have a chance to really comprehend what he was saying let alone answer the question.
"Xander, Stop! You turned into your…" Willow's comment was cut off by a scream in the distance.
Both of the young teens turned towards the sound of the feminine squeal.
"OhMyGod, ThatSoundedLikeBuffy!" Willow babbled before taking off down the street towards the sound of her screaming friend.
"Fear not Fair Ghost, for Xander Heterodyne, Gentleman Adventurer is here to save the day!" With that said, Xander took off running down the street, leaving an afterimage of himself he was moving so quickly; his little clank could be seen holding on to the back of his shirt, flying horizontally due to the speed of Xander's charge.
After 'saving' Lady Elizabeth from the 'demon,' which Xander realized was just a mechanical transportation apparatus Xander Heterodyne was torn on what to do next.
On one hand, he had to protect Lady Elizabeth and get the young screeching girl out of danger. Lady Elizabeth was obviously a noble of some sort, though not of one of the greater Spark families.
On the other hand, the streets around him were filled with the sound of screams and chaos, little monsters constantly running around and the occasional pirate happening by.
"When in doubt, Use Science!" Xander stated, with that he turned to his little clank.
"Ok little one, you know what to do. Seek, build, destroy and control. The usual mission and not necessarily in that order. Got it?" Xander ordered.
The little clank shouldered his little mallet on his shoulder like a musket and saluted Xander while making a slight musical tune of discordant tones.
Xander nodded, and opened one of the larger leather pouches on his utility belt. With that welcoming, the little clank launched into the air and landed in the pouch.
Xander stood there for a few second looking around, watching the surroundings for possible danger, while the sounds of construction started to come from within the confines of his leather pouch.
Bang Bang Bang! Swquack! Ting! Bam! BOOM! Crash! Quack!
The sounds of hammering, drills, saws, breaking glass, explosions, and even a duck's call could be heard to come from deep within the leather pouch, a small mushroom cloud of an explosion puffing out the flap for a second, before going quiet.
Just then the little clank jumped back out of the pouch and landed in front of Xander, giving him another salute.
With a shrill whistle, the flap of Xander's pouch again flapped open and three more miniature clanks of different shapes and combinations of limbs jumped out of his pouch, all before lining up and giving Xander a salute.
"At ease men." Xander stated.
"Toot!" came an angry note from one of the clanks.
"Oh, sorry, At ease men and women." Xander said with a smile.
"Toot toot." Came the note that Xander interpreted to mean 'thank you."
"Ok gang, go out and do your thing. I'm going to take these ladies to shelter while you deal with the monsters and do what you need to control the streets." Xander stated with a salute.
The four clanks all saluted, gave a "Tweet!" and sprinted off in the four cardinal directions.
Turning to the ghost and Lady Elizabeth, Xander stated, "Alright ladies, that should do it with the little problem of the town, now where can I take you to keep you safe?"
"Buffy's house! We can go to the Summer's house, that should be the closest place." Willow stated as she turned to lead the way.
Xander offered his arm to Lady Elizabeth, "This way my lady, and keep close please. We shall return you to your father as soon as we can safely do so."
"Thank you kind sir," Lady Elizabeth stated with a worried smile, clinging close to Xander and taking his arm. She could feel bulging muscles hidden under the clothes of this shirt. 'Perhaps this isn't so bad after all.' Lady Elizabeth thought, 'A brave Gentleman, obviously of noble birth.'
With that, the two of them walked arm in arm down the street following the ghost of Willow, all the while Xander Heterodyne was smiling at the adventure and Lady Elizabeth was smiling at being with the big strong handsome man; even if she jumped or cringed every time a scream or explosion would go off in the distance.
Xander, Willow, and Lady Elizabeth had found shelter at the Summers' house and Xander was starting to have second thoughts about Lady Elizabeth due to her incessant whining and complaining about everything from Willow being a harlot to not being treated properly.
'If I hear her say, 'wait until my father hears about this' one more time, I'm going to use her in my next experiment.' Xander thought, outwardly wincing at the shrill complaints coming from the supposed 'Lady.'
Just when he didn't think he could handle it any more, a scream issued from outside the front of the house.
"Get away from me Dog Boy!" Came a voice from out front.
Willow looked out the window and yelled, "Oh my, that's Cordelia! She's being chased by some sort of monster!"
That was all Xander needed to hear before he burst out the door, excited for the adventure and the break from Lady Elizabeth.
"Don't leave me!" Lady Elizabeth screeched, which Xander thoroughly ignored.
Xander charged out the door and across the lawn to intercept the seven foot tall monstrosity that looked like the cross between a St. Bernard and a komodo dragon lizard but walked on its knuckles like a gorilla.
"Ah Ha! Unhand the lady you wretch!" Xander yelled as he jumped in front of the monster and punched it in the face.
Apparently the monster was a lot stronger than it looked, because though Xander's blow made it stumble back a step, its backhanded blow to Xander's stomach curled Xander over the blow and sent him whizzing through the air to impact with to Oak tree in the center of the Summer's lawn; leaving a imprint of Xander's head in the trunk and ultimately cracking and toppling the tree on top of Xander.
The monster then growled and took a step towards Cordelia, only to have its attention again diverted as the fallen twenty five foot tree shifted, then moved as Xander popped up on top of the fallen trunk.
"Ah, a challenge!" Xander stated with a maniacal smile on his face.
"Eat Marshmallow Monster!" Xander yelled, seizing his gun from his side and flicking a switch on the side before pulling the trigger.
A flaming marshmallow shot out of his gun like a tracer, leaving a flaming trail behind it as it shot across the yard and hit the monster right between the eyes.
The monster stumbled back and gave a pained growl as its eyes winced at the blow.
"Hmmm, guess I have to up the pressure feeder of the transphased dimensional fusion reactor." Xander said as he looked at his gun and the lack of effect on the scaly hairy monster.
"Oh well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, and try again!" He yelled with a smile.
FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP! FWOOP!...
Xander rapid fired his Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom at the monster, sending a stream of flaming marshmallows at the monster, constantly knocking it back and covering the monster in flaming sugary puffed goodness.
RAWAARRRRGGG! The monster had had enough. It turned and ran screaming into the night as the sticky sugary confection on its body continued to burn like napalm.
Xander gave it a going away present. "FWOOP!" One shot of flaming marshmallow right in the monster's ass, just to hurry it on its way.
Turning towards the lady in the skin-tight catsuit, Xander admired the view as he hopped down from the tree.
"Fear not my lady, I have chased off the beast and you shall not have to worry anymore, for Xander Heterodyne, Gentleman Adventurer, is here to protect you." Xander stated with a smile as he struck a heroic pose.
"Whatever loser, let's get inside where it's safe." Cordelia stated with a huff as she stalked past Xander, without so much as a thank you, and proceeded towards the open door of the Summers' house.
"Cordelia! Ok, you have to listen to me, your name is Cordelia and you're not a cat." Willow stated frantically once Cordelia and Xander entered the house.
"Well Duh, I don't know what type of delusion you're living under, but leave me out of it loser." Cordelia stated in disgust, not realizing that anything was different about Willow; after all she had always ignored Willow at school, so this was no different.
"Ugh, my costume is ruined! There is no way that I'm going to get that costume deposit back." Cordelia disgustedly stated as she plucked at the rip in her costume and gazed over the dirty 'paw' prints that went with it.
Willow interrupted Cordelia's rant, "Cordelia, everybody has been turned into their costumes, we have to…" Only to be in turn interrupted by Lady Elizabeth's scream as Angel leapt through the still open front door of the Summer's house.
Angel's eyes crossed as he had all of one second to realize that he had a burning marshmallow lodged right between his eyes.
"Oh Shit!" Was the last words the ensouled member of the Scourge of Europe before he burst into a flaming conflagration and turned to dust in a POOF!
"OhMyGod Xander! YouDustedAngel!" Willow babbled out in shock.
"Hmmm, a Vampire." Xander stated nonchalantly as he kicked at the pile of dust on the floor of the Summer's house.
"Xander! What is that thing you are shooting!" Willow stated, still bothered at the dusting of the vampire.
Looking up, Xander shrugged, "It's my Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom." He stated, as if that explained everything.
Trying to catch her breath Willow questioned, "And why do you have a Transphased Marshmallow Gun of Doom?"
Xander Heterodyne quirked his head to the side and asked, "How else am I supposed to get my marshmallow's that perfect flaming and melted consistency for making S'Mores?"
Cordelia cut in, "How about with a campfire, loser?"
Xander waved off the suggestion, "Nah, that's boring and more prone to not getting that perfect flaming marshmallow that is just right for melting the chocolate before the S'More reaches your mouth."
Xander prefaced his statement by raising his gun over his shoulder.
The flaming plasma marshmallow flew across the room, just in time for the door to the kitchen to open up and a fledgling vampire to run through the room; right in time for the marshmallow to hit the vampire right between the eyes.
"Oh Shit!" The fledgling stated, right before it too was dusted.
Xander looked over his shoulder, "Um, oops?" He stated as he turned back to Willow.
"Guess that tension screw on the hair trigger is a little loose." He stated, before ignoring the others in the room while he pulled out a spanner and started taking apart the trigger mounting of his gun.
It was at this time that Lady Elizabeth had enough. The combination of monsters out of her nightmares coming to life and being turned into flaming statutes, that and being ignored, inspired her to go running out of the house into the night. After all, it had always worked for controlling her father; whenever she wanted something that a tantrum wouldn't get her, running away from home seemed to work.
"Xander! You go watch after Buffy. I'm going to go get Giles and see if he can help us out." Willow stated as she ran through the wall of the house and towards the school and its librarian.
Xander merely shrugged and holstered his partially disassembled gun on his back before running out into the night after Buffy.
Cordelia merely huffed at being left behind. Rather than having to deal with a repeat with JoJo the dog faced boy, she decided she would stay in. Pulling out a nail file she took a seat on the Summer's couch and turned on Buffy's TV to while away the hours until sunrise.
'Maybe I'll see if they have any ice-cream in the freezer?' She thought to herself as she flipped through the TV channels until she stopped to watch some horror movie called "Voodoo Moon."
Whack! Bam! Smack!
Xander twirled, lashing his fist out to break noses, he stomped toes, broke kneecaps and provide physical examples of the physics problem of boot plus ass equals velocity of body.
"Ooooofffff!" Xander wheezed as he caught a fist to his gut from a blonde vampire.
"Give it a rest kid, I'm going to eat you one way or the other," The vampire known as Spike stated as his minions attempted to dog pile Xander's body into the warehouse floor.
Xander continued to use his inhuman strength to battle the minions as he bit, clawed, and even used his partially disassembled marshmallow gun as a blunt weapon to take the head off of one fledgling vampire.
Lady Elizabeth, aka Buffy, squirmed in the grasp of Spike, but was unable to break his undead demon inspired strength.
"Come on love, stop squirm'n, it will only hurt for a bit." Spike said with a scoff, bending down to lick Buffy's neck right along the artery.
Just then, defying all odds, the pile of minions went flying in all directions in a seeming explosion of little demons, pirates, costume monsters come to life and fledgling vampires.
Xander stood up, muscles bulging, shirt ripped and hanging off him like some action hero from a bodice ripper ladies romance book or some B grade movie where the hero fights an army of darkness.
Wheezing, Xander stated, "Let her go." His hair was a mess, he had scratches and cuts running down his arms and he looked to be sporting a slight bruise under his left eye.
Spike looked at Xander with a bit of confusion that the boy was still standing, let alone had escaped the horde of minions thus far.
"Not likely ya bloody poofter. Yeah see here, I got yer girl by the throat, and one twitch of my hand and we get a nice snap crackle pop sound, ya hear?" Spike stated with a smirk.
"Besides, yer outnumbered, and its only a matter of time before we overwhelm ya." Spike chuffed.
A manic smile seemed to slowly come upon Xander's face. His eyes seemed to glow with the gleam of madness and things that were not meant to exist this side of the natural world. His smile gleamed, and it almost looked like the lighting in the warehouse changed as the surroundings seemed to dim and an unholy green light seemed to light up Xander's face; as if a flashlight was being held pointed up and placed at his chin.
"Outnumbered? Outnumbered you say? Wa Ha Ha ha HA ha ha!" Xander cackled, almost lost in insanity, "I'll see your Outnumbered and raise you a Surrounded." Xander laughed.
The hairs on Spike's neck stood on end at the cackle of Xander's laughter. Spike didn't know what this kid was hopped up on, but he knew something wasn't right as he stared at the laughing kid. His thoughts were interrupted by one of his fledgling vampires nudging him.
"Um, boss, um, boss, we've got a problem." The fledgling vamp whined.
"What is it now!..." Spike began with a snap only for his words to drift off into nothing as he looked over the shoulder of the fledgling and into the darkness at the edges of the warehouse.
Red eyes. Thousands and thousands and thousands of little red eyes were staring at him from the darkness.
They were on the floors in the shadows. They were in the crevices between boxes and shipping crates. They were on top of the crates and even in the darkness of the lattice works of the warehouse above his head. Hundreds of thousands of unblinking red eyes were staring at him from every nook, cranny and surface of the darkened warehouse.
Spike swung his attention back to the now smirking Xander, Spike's minions slowly edging away from the human who scared the piss out of them.
Xander sneered at Spike with a quirky dark grin for a second, before uttering one phrase.
A tidal wave of little one and two eyed creatures exploded out of the darkness. Charging across the floor with little hammers, drills, pinchers and claws they poured across the floor to follow their master's order. They jumped off of crates onto the monsters, they parachuted and free fell out off of the ceiling. They catapulted themselves, some even flying with little miniature rocket boots or propellers attached to their heads.
Apparently Xander Heterodyne's little clank had been busy as it lead a charge of miniature mayhem at the monsters who had previously outnumbered Xander and Buffy.
"Aggggghhhh!" Spike flung Buffy away from himself and screamed in agony as he experienced the death of a thousand cuts, miniature hammers, and monkey wrenches that attacked the bits and bob's of his body. One miniature clank, a portable clamp of some sort, had even attached its head to Spikes private bits, effectively rendering the Master Vampire incapable of thoughtful self defense.
Xander moved forward to catch Buffy before she hit the floor, and then carefully stood her up as he slowly walked towards the flailing, squirming and screaming Spike.
Reaching down to the floor, Xander picked up a spike of wooden shipping container that had been shattered off during the earlier battle.
Rearing back, Xander brought the sharp shard of wood down towards Spikes heart, only for several things to happen all at once.
A wave and a shudder seemed to hit the inhabitants of the warehouse all at the same time.
Xander stumbled forward, dusting Spike due to his forward momentum but clearly befuddled at the same time.
Buffy shook her head to clear the cobwebs, and threw the wig off of her head with disgust.
The last fledgling vampires in the warehouse were dusted, right before all of the clanks shuttered and fell apart into a rain of springs, nuts, bolts, screws and scrap metal.
The spell had ended, but the chaos was only beginning.
As Xander stumbled forward, the Transfusion self contained dimensional power plant for his former Marshmallow Gun of Doom hit the floor as Xander stumbled to the ground. What had once been an incredibly hard containment field for a dimensional rift was now a mere fishbowl that shattered on impact.
Xander only had a moment to give Buffy a wide eyed look from his place on the dusty floor as the knowledge from Xander Heterodyne told him that 'This was not of the good!'
Xander only had time to give Buffy an, "Oh Shit!" Before there was a ZAAAAAAAP SNAAAAP POOOF! And Xander was gone in a blast of released blue colored energy.
Buffy was alone with crying children and a warehouse floor ankle deep in mechanical parts. She didn't know what had happened to Xander, but she was sure that Giles could figure it out and keep her from having to hurt her brain by thinking too hard.
As Buffy ushered the kids out of the warehouse, she was polite enough to turn off the lights, leaving the warehouse in complete darkness. She was totally unaware of the adventure and new life that Xander was about to begin.