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Serious Business

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This story is No. 3 in the series "Counterparts. Then Count 'Em Again.". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Harry couldn't believe he was stupid enough to get caught. And to make things worse, when he finally breaks loose, there're some stupid muggles wandering about the place as if they won't get murdered!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General
Harry Potter > General
joshlamontFR1311,4323208,32121 Feb 1121 Feb 11Yes
As always, I own nothing, from the Stargate to the Harry Potter to the Buffy. In fact, everyone you see here is owned by someone not me.

Harry raced through Malfoy’s mansion, sure that any moment a death eater would catch him.

Just had to go and look, didn’t you? Didn’t even think it might be a trap. Very smart, Harry, you might even-

He slammed into a warm body and flew head over heels.

Stupify!“ he screamed before he’d even come to his feet.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid!” someone exclaimed.

Harry froze. Something wasn’t right. He looked at the death eater. It was a grey-haired man in a black vest and a sling carrying some sort of gun, and-

“You’re a muggle!”

“Hey!” the man exclaimed. “I can take that kind of crap from Daniel, but not from a half-grown pint like you!”

Harry shook his head. “No, I mean- you’re a muggle! How can you even see this place?!”

The grey-haired man tapped his face. “Magic glasses.”

Harry gaped. “Magic glasses?”

“What, you thought I wore these things for the eyes? Please, I’m not that old.”

Harry groaned. “Either way, you’ve got to get out of here. It’s too dangerous!”

The old man nodded. “You’ve got a point, kid. I think you should probably leave.”

“What? No, I mean- you! You’re- you don’t have any magic!”

The man raised his brow. “So?”

Harry didn’t have a good reply to that.

“What’re you doing here, anyway, kid? ‘s not really safe place to be.”

“I’ve been trying to escape!”

“Escape?” The man’s eyes lit up. “Sayyyy, you wouldn’t happen to have seen a snakey wizard dude around here, would you? Black robe, weird voice, looks like his face lost a fight with a frying pan?”

Harry blinked. “Voldemort?”

The old man snapped his fingers. “That’s the guy!” He paused. “Hey, uh, his eyes didn’t happen to flash or anything, did they?”

“Uh… no, they’re… blood red?”

The old man shook his head. “Nah, guess we’ll have to-”


There was an explosion of splinters from what used to be the west wall. A bleeding death eater tumbled through the air and bounced several times across the floor, quickly followed by a young man wearing a black eye-patch. He stalked through the gaping wreckage and sunk a fist into the just-barely-standing death eater’s stomach. The poor creature flew into the air and crashed through the mansion’s second story window.

“And don’t you ever try that again!” the one-eyed man roared through the window. He turned to Harry. “Can you believe the nerve of that guy? He just transfigured my twinkies!”

The old man grimaced. “Harsh.”

The pirate guy blinked. “Oh, hey, Jack. What’s up?”

“Oh, you know, same old, same old. Playing big brother, sticking our noses in other people’s business. You, Harris?”

Harris nodded. “Cool, cool. Eh, still doing the whole ‘saving the world’ gig.”

“Nifty,” Jack said. “Hey, how’s Henry doing?”

“Well, we think he’s finally learned how to do eye-shadow.”

There was a brief pause. “I don’t want to know, do I?”

“Nope, no you don’t.”

Harry stared between the two of them and was about to ask when there was a shout and a crash, and a cloud of dust billowing out of one of other rooms.

Harris grinned. “Daniel?”

Jack nodded. “Daniel.”

A brown-haired man in glasses stumbled out of the dusty room with an arm-full of books. “Jack, you wouldn’t believe what kind of books they’ve- oh, hello, who’s this?”

“Daniel, this is- I don’t think I got your name.”


“Harry. He’s leaving.”

Daniel blinked. “What? Why?”

“Evil overlord, capture, taunting, torture, you know the drill.”

Oh, right.”

Jack turned to Harry. “He’s our nerd,” he explained.

“I… see...”

He turned back Daniel. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have learned anything about this Moldyshorts guys, would you?”

Daniel was already flipping through several books. “Hm? Oh, right.” He straightened. “I think it’s safe to say that the goa’uld do not have a magic user. Voldemort is just your typical evil wizard.”

“We could have told you that,” Harris said.

Jack smacked his forehead. “And you didn’t because…”

“We didn’t think you’d ever run across the wizards.”

Jack sighed. “What part of ‘we bought one of everything’ didn’t you understand?”

Harris paused. “Magic glasses?”

“Magic glasses.”

“Did you get the ones with the zoom lens? Because I-”

Harry!” Hermione cried, shooting into the room. “Are you hurt? Are you alright? Of course you’re not alright, you’ve been imprisoned by- is that Mitgen’s Third Peripheral Book of Languages? Where on earth did you find that?”

“In the library!” Daniel exclaimed happily. “Isn’t it amazing? It explains all of the-”

“Strange transitions between entegunt and alseiz, I know! I’ve been looking everywhere for a copy!”

“And there’s your nerd,” Jack commented. He looked at Harris. “Is yours…?”

“Dealing with an emergency in Guadalajara.”

“Thank God,” Jack breathed out. “No offense, Xander, but the last thing we need is for the three of them to join forces. They might transform into some kind of giant mechageek or something.”

“Look, it’s great that you all got to meet, but we’ve got to get out of here!” Harry exclaimed. “Voldemort might be here any second, and we haven’t made him mortal, yet!”

“Well, yeah, we’re kinda counting on it,” Xander said

Jack look up. “We?”

Xander shrugged. “The girls made me bring some slayers along. They’re bouncing some baddies around on the ground floor, wouldn’t let me join in. I swear, it’s like they don’t trust me!”

Jack nodded. “I know what you mean. They said I had to bring Daniel along to make sure I don’t touch anything bad. Me! Who’s the guy who’s always touching something, I ask you?”

Xander shook his head. “I know. It’s sad.”

What is this?

“Well, he’s certainly got the goa’uld voice down,” Jack commented as everyone spun around.

“Probably too much screaming,” Xander replied. “Someone needs to tell him about throat lozenges.”


“Wow, you weren’t kidding about the red eyes, Harry,” Jack said, peering closer. “No rest for the wicked?”

Said Dark Lord’s eyes narrowed. “You dare… Crucio!

The magic half of the room stared when nothing happened.

“Was that supposed to do something?” Jack asked.

“Pain curse,” Xander whispered.

Oh.” Jack tapped his hat. “Un-magic hat.”

“Un-magic hat…” Daniel said disbelievingly.

“Well, I can’t remember what Carter’s minions called it, but it turns out, Naquadah? Nth metal.”

“No way!” Xander breathed.

“Totally way.”

“Hey, why didn’t I get one?” Daniel exclaimed.

Jack smirked. “Because they only made one and Carter loves me better?”

“You jacked their prototype, didn’t you?” Xander asked.

“I prefer to see it more as a strategic acquisition.”

Fascinating,” the Dark Lord said sarcastically. “Crucio!

“Magic boxers,” Xander said, shrugging sheepishly. “Willow said I end up naked too often to charm anything else.”

Fine, then!” the Dark Lord snarled, “Cru-

“Actually, I’m kinda here to talk about the rent.”


“Yeah, see, turns out, your loan’s been in default, and you kinda pissed off the goblins by killing off half their customers. So they sold your loan to us.”


“Well I mean, goblins, they’re good, but they’re not that good. They needed someone with enough umph to kick you out. So, here I am. You have…” Xander checked his watch, “Fifteen minutes to exit the premise before Willow’s prepackaged ‘so you want to skimp on your payments’ spell goes off.” He paused. “I’m told it involves wedgies,” he whispered.

“You’re not serious!” Hermione exclaimed, gaping.

“Oh, I’m always serious about wedgies,” Xander replied.

“They are a serious thing.” Jack said with a sober face.

I should kill you right where you-

“Yeah, that’s not helping you any,” Xander said. “Fourteen minutes.”

Fine! Wormtail!” Voldemort called out. “Begin packing the-

“Oh, you forfeit everything in the house automatically,” Xander interrupted. “Everything but your wands and the robes on your backs are now ours.”

“Even Mitgen’s?” Daniel asked with wide eyes.


“You can’t take that!” Hermione exclaimed. “I’ve been looking for that volume for ages!

Jack rolled his eyes. “I’m sure the nice man would be willing to let you two borrow a few copies.”

Really?” the two bookworms exclaimed. Harry felt a chill go down his back as he saw the glazed look come into their eyes.

“Back up slowly, kid,” Jack said, muttering out of the side of his mouth, “Don’t make any sudden moves. Just get ready. When Xander gives the signal, run!

The End

You have reached the end of "Serious Business". This story is complete.

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