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Hermione's Pen Pal

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Summary: What if Hermione had been forced to stay one summer with her cousins in America before discovering she was a wizard. And what if someone had taken a dark interest in her?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: ComedySithicusFR1513,1531132,42526 Feb 1126 Feb 11No
Author's Notes: You will note I have not been working on things I should be. There is a reason for this, I have resumed work on an older story to finish it off that is not Buffy related and so I am attempting to work on that as much as possible so I can finally say it's finished. I don't plan on abandoning any of my currently In Progress Fics, but unless it's just a few drabbles for chapters you won't be seeing much.

Be that as it may, I was struck this afternoon by a bolt of dark epiphiny, while catching the tail end of a certain film I realized that this method of crossing over two fandoms had probably not been done before. Although I list it currently as a comedy, I fear there may be a tad more macabre humor involved with this than is typical of regular comedy.

I trust you'll enjoy this opening salvo, which sadly lacks a bit in the details department concerning Hermione's visit with her unfortunate American cousins, but I didn't want to dwell too long on events that aren't as important as one might suspect.

Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter are the property of J.K. Rowling, creator of one of the biggest franchises since Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Transformers... Or probably more appropriate Star Trek. The characters from the other crossover universe are the current property of someone I don't know, but they originaly belonged and most probably still do in some small way to a man of great comedic vision. His name was Charles Addams... Or is that Adams? and their presence in the Wizarding World is going to cause some serious changes to events in the lives of our intrepid trio. The author makes no claims contradicting these statements of ownership as he is a humble fanfiction author soon to be full-time employed if he's really lucky and thus relegated to only working on stories on the weekends... SIGH. But still not sue worthy because he's just a humble fanfiction author. Seriously. Don't believe me ask the dishes... oh wait, wrong universe. Heh, heh.



Hermione Granger loathed her cousins. They were much too old to even be casual acquaintances of hers – however when her parents needed to send her away for one summer she was forced to live in a perfectly retched sun filled place in America.

Her cousins were both camp councilors and spent far too much time trying to get every child to enjoy fun in the sun and outdoor activities – all with a sugary sweet disposition that left them tasting decidedly disgusting on any child’s tongue.

An unusual analogy, but Hermione was trying her best to use large words and prove that she was old enough to stay home alone – so that she would never have to remain with her cousins ever again.

The absolute worst was – they wouldn’t even let her read her favorite books. With a pout on her lips she sat fuming as the children practiced the stupid play her cousin had wrote – he had aspirations of being a Broadway playwright – in Hermione’s honest opinion he should stick to his day job.

“What are you so upset about?” Amanda demanded of the younger British girl.

“I was right in the middle of a very good book,” Hermione stated.

“Aren’t you too young to be so worried about reading?” Amanda asked suspiciously.

Hermione sighed and shook her head. “You Americans,” she grumbled.

“Amanda!” Cousin Gary shouted. “We need you on stage for your dress rehearsal,” he said.

“Coming!” Amanda called back leaving the younger girl in the corner.

Cousin Becky smiled slightly as she approached her younger cousin. “Are you sure you don’t want to participate?” she asked. “Gary can always find roles for every child here.”

“It’s very kind of you,” Hermione replied as politely as she could muster. “But after all, Cousin Becky, it wouldn’t be fair to the other children,” she added. It wasn’t much of an argument, but she didn’t want to have to get into this discussion again with her cousin.

“Hermione, you must show some initiative in making friends,” Becky told her. “You don’t want to wind up in high school a loner, or you’ll end up just like your mother,” she added still speaking with the large smile on her lips.

Hermione shook her head. “I’m certain that I’ll find suitable friends in school, Cousin Becky,” she informed as politely as she could.

“Well stop sitting around here with a pout, go find someone to play with, and I mean it,” Becky insisted forcing Hermione to get to her feet.

“Ok,” Hermione said lamely before making her way towards the campers’ bunks.



Hermione heard whispering from behind the trees as she headed glumly off towards the cabins. She wasn’t really paying any attention to it, but she was beginning to get fed up with being stuck here all summer – if only her parents hadn’t had to be so busy. Frustration and anger led to a few unusual things happening around her, but Hermione just chalked it up to being ordinary occurrences for young girls on the cusp of their teen years.

Or maybe it was just her dumb luck. Whatever the cause – Hermione had gotten used to peculiar things happening around her. However she was not expecting to be accosted in the middle of the forest where Camp Chippewa was located by a pale skinned girl with dark black hair and piercing eyes.

Hermione suddenly got very nervous – this was the girl who’d been in a lot of trouble earlier in the summer – her cousins disapproved of her thoroughly as a socially acceptable friend. But that wasn’t the reason why Hermione avoided her. She was just creepy.

“What were you doing?” the girl demanded.

“N-N-Nothing,” Hermione stuttered taking a step back from the older girl.

“Don’t deny it, I felt it,” the girl accused narrowing her eyes.

“Honestly, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hermione explained nervously. She wanted to leave this crazy girl alone, but the grip on her arm was extremely tight – obviously this girl wasn’t used to taking no for an answer.

Her lips barely moved as she began to think and then she offered a quiet nod. “I understand,” she stated simply before moving back to wherever she’d been hiding.

Hermione bravely took a step after her. “You understand what?”

The girl turned back to her without even the hint of a smile – removing a piece of folded paper from her clothing she passed it to Hermione. “When you reach the age of eleven you may reach me at this address, we can discuss it then,” she informed knowingly.

Hermione frowned slightly. Her gaze fell upon the piece of paper in her hand out of curiosity. “Zero, Zero, Zero One Cemetery Lane,” she read off of it. Her eyes widened in shock and sudden fear, but a strange sense of curiosity had her pocket the piece of parchment and resume her trek towards the cabins.



To say the end of her summer wasn’t exciting would be a crime against everything out of the ordinary – in fact it was anything but ordinary – and some might argue anything but sane. But Hermione Jane Granger – young cousin of Gary and Becky-Martin Granger was thrilled by what happened at Camp Chippewa.

In point of fact – she was so pleased to see her cousins get their comeuppance she decided that she might pay them a visit again around Halloween – perhaps dressed in a dark black dress with her hair in pigtails to see what sort of reaction she might get.



Upon achieving her eleventh birthday – Hermione was reminded of the events of her youth and the curious reaction she’d received from a very peculiar girl living in America at a most confounding address.

She wasn’t certain how to even begin to send it, but since she was now a part of a curious new society thanks to some strange quirk of fate – she decided that Owl Post would most likely be able to deliver her first pen letter.

Placing quill to parchment Hermione began to write.

Dear, Wednesday;

I have recently discovered something about myself that I suspect somehow you knew. I am uncertain as to what precisely you wished to discuss with me upon discovering this curiosity, however I must admit to being slightly nervous about attending my first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

To that end I find myself reading through Hogwarts: A History with rapt fascination as well as studying a few minor spells and incantations we will more than likely be covering in our first year. Since I don’t have any Wizarding friends currently, I felt it might be wise to write to you and find out what you wanted. Perhaps we could be friends – of a sort – since I recall how much you hate the term.

Sincerely, Hermione Granger: Witch in Training.

Sealing the letter, Hermione stamped it, addressed it, and presented it to the owl at the Owlry Professor McGonagall had shown her to.

“I do hope you’ll be able to find your way there,” she told the creature with a quiet smile.

The owl hooted at her and promptly took off with a great flapping of its wings.

Professor McGonagall smiled as she saw her pupil coming out of the Owlry. “I trust you found everything alright, Miss Granger,” she said.

“Yes, thank you, Professor,” Hermione returned with a broad smile.



Wednesday Addams glanced up from her work with her brother when she heard the tapping on the glass. Her gaze discovered the owl – and she might have actually smiled – reaching into the folds of her dress she removed a bag marked rat tails and proceeded to open the window.

“What it is it?” Pugsley questioned from his current place strapped to an operating table.

“A letter from the girl we met briefly at Camp,” Wednesday explained.

Pugsley visibly shuddered. “Which one?”

“The wizard.” Wednesday thanked the owl with an offering of some rat tails and then left the room to read the letter in private.

“Hey!” Pugsley shouted after her. “Aren’t we going to play Thoracic Surgeon anymore?”

“Maybe later.”

Pugsley sighed. “Pubert, get me out of this,” he instructed.

Pubert shook his head. “Sorry, I’m a bit tied up at the moment myself,” he explained though he didn’t sound very apologetic about it.

Pugsley grumbled slightly and slipped out of his bindings. “It’s a good thing I found Uncle Nick Knack’s book on rope work,” he complained. “Wednesday’s starting to get a bit flighty ever since her boyfriend died,” he added.

Pubert winced. “Pugsley, you should know by now not to call him that,” he reminded.

“She’s gone!” Pugsley argued.

“But her ears are everywhere,” Pubert reminded.

And as if to prove his words a vat of acid poured suddenly from above the both of them.

Pugsley studied his bubbling skin with considerable annoyance. “Why couldn’t we have gone to Salem too?” he asked. “I’d prefer learning magic to explosive theory from Uncle Fester.”

“I thought you liked blowing stuff up?” Pubert said.

“Yeah, but being able to do it with my mind would be so much faster,” Pugsley explained. “This way I have to rig everything up and hope Wednesday doesn’t find it before the dynamite goes off,” he added.

Pubert grinned. “I could help.”

“Really?” Pugsley asked skeptically.

“For a price.” Pubert’s grin turned sly and decidedly sinister looking.

“Who is she this time?” Pugsley asked with a sigh.

Pubert’s grin turned into something best left up to the imagination of those with saner minds… Or perhaps suffering from some deep rooted psychological issues.



After reading the letter from the British Witch in Training Wednesday smiled – this was a rarity in itself and not a pretty site – no one should ever have to bear witness to a smile from Wednesday Addams.

That being said – Wednesday smiled and reached for a quill and some parchment herself – supplies from the Salem Academy she was currently semi-attending. On days when she felt like going to class of course.

Upon learning the potential of the young Granger – unfortunate the she was related to the camp councilors, but one couldn’t choose family – as evidenced by the existence of her two brothers. In spite of her attempts to eliminate them. Wednesday had set in motion some plans, it was important that any and all enemies of the Addams Family be dealt with as harshly and swiftly as possible – after all – it was the family motto.

Beginning to scratch at the parchment with her quill she marveled at the red ink – it wasn’t easy to get it to the consistency she needed to write with, but human blood was definitely a useful tool sometimes.

Hermione Granger,

It is a genuine pleasure to hear back from you as I have a certain request to be made now that you have come into your power. We Addams’ have long been seeking a means to create the perfect coven and as soon as I realized your potential I knew you would be prime material for a member of my sect.

You will find the European Wizard world to be quite stifling I’m afraid, they have long since abandoned certain practices and adhere to strict disciplinary actions for even the slightest attempts at experimentation to create new spells. They feel they have reached the pinnacle of their magical existence and therefore refuse to even accept a modicum of assistance from any other mystical government.

This will undoubtedley serve to disillusion you. Good. I am certain you will need disillusionment at this early stage in your magical development. There are certain spells that the Wizarding Community by and large has placed into an unfavorable light. My ancestor, Calpernia Addams created these spells in good faith for a young man named Dumbledore – apparently he received some sort of visual manifestation of a time when the spells would be required, a seer told him, I’m not entirely sure who, but I know he came to Calpernia in good faith.

I have long studied my great aunt – we Addams’ are a long lived family – through the use of arcane spells and potions we have perfected certain abilities by seeking knowledge beyond the boundaries placed by the stifling and often outdated notions the Wizarding World in general has stuck to.

I am telling all of this to you because I require a means of entering the British Wizarding community. I am looking specifically for information on a man named Riddle – who stole a particularly effective and dangerous spell from my great aunt. She was burned at the stake, but Addams’ witches are notoriously hard to get rid of… I believe her ghost still haunts certain areas she favored in life.

I am confidant that with your aid I shall be able to retrieve my great aunt’s property and ensure that Tom Marvollo Riddle is dealt with harshly for his crimes against we Addams’. You may be wary of accepting my offer therefore I present to you certain information in good faith, I trust you shall share this with no one, for if you do I will be forced to feast upon your flesh and devour your still beating heart as is the Addams family custom.

Your first year at Hogwarts you shall meet a young boy, two young boys actually, one Ronald Weasley. A prat of a boy who is unfortunately necessary to carry out our plans – I use our plans because I already know that you shall not betray me – and Harry Potter. This boy is of particular interest to both myself and Professor Dumbledore who is, as you are no doubt aware, the current Headmaster of Hogwarts.

I don’t care why Dumbledore is interested in Harry. I’m much more concerned with my own interest in the boy… You see, he is the only known human to survive the killing curse, Avada Kedavra, a spell that was originally meant only for use in the Addams Family Coven, but as I said Dumbledore absconded with the secrets of this spell and seeded it through the greater Wizarding community. Specifically amongst questionable wizards and witches who have no concept of how to use the spell properly.

Once you meet with Harry you will bring him here – I don’t care how – I must discover how it is he survived… Perhaps he is distantly related to the Addams’ in some fashion as the spell can’t actually kill any member of our family. A fact that dunce of a fool Riddle should have known if he was so intent on using it to control the Wizarding World.

Bring me Harry Potter – during the Christmas Holidays if necessary – and do not allow Dumbledore to know of my request as I am not yet ready to deal with him and his crimes against our family just this moment. If you fail to do this simple task for me… I shall track you down and feast upon your still beating heart. Then I shall turn you into an Addams so that I can do it all over again until you have learnt your lesson.

With fondest regards, Wednesday Addams.

Upon completing her letter she beckoned to the corner for her personal messenger vulture – a large bird that she had tamed at the tender age of three for the use of delivering post to those in the Wizarding community. She refused to indulge in the absurdity of remaining rigidly affixed to tradition. Also, Owls unfortunately didn’t last too long in the Addams Family home, Kitty tended to run afoul of them.

Re-reading her letter to make sure she had been as clear as possible on the penalties should Hermione fail – Wednesday sealed the letter and slid it into a self-addressed envelope she’d had written up a month after returning home from Camp Chippewa – she needed that time to cleanse herself of the… sunshine.

“Deliver this tonight,” she instructed her familiar.

The vulture nodded mutely and took off through the window.

A tapping at the floor alerted Wednesday to the presence of a message from her mother.

“Of course, Thing, I’ll be down as soon as I put my inkwell away,” Wednesday informed. Plucking the still beating heart of the last wizard who had attempted to foolishly ask her out on a date to go see a Quidditch match, Wednesday smiled evilly. “I certainly hope he’s learning his lesson,” she stated.



Upon receiving and reading Wednesday’s response to her letter Hermione Jane Granger did the only thing any self-respecting person would when faced with the horrors of the Addams Family. She fainted.

To Be Continued?



Post Note: I have never been comfortable attempting to write these characters before. The Addams Family is extremely difficult to get right, so forgive me if certain things seem... Off. I will learn as more exposure to their characters continues. Hopefully before I wake up one morning in a coffin, or worse, married to Wednesday.

We'll just flub certain continuity problems, such as the fact that Hermione would more than likely have to be quite young indeed in 1993 when Addams Family Values took place. And anything else which will not fit into this conjoined melding of two distinct and oddly cosympatic franchises. (Is that the proper term?) Enjoy.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Hermione's Pen Pal" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 26 Feb 11.

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