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"That's Not Applesauce"

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Summary: A crack!ficy story with some of the characters from "Team Alpha - Assault". I asked for crazy prompts during a blocked period, and got "Buffy, Umbridge, Applesauce" This is what came out of that.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Buffy-CenteredLashlarueFR1513,649071,0623 Mar 113 Mar 11Yes
Featuring: Buffy. Umbridge. Applesauce. Moaning Myrtle. Filch.
Word Count: 3600 or so
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling and Joss Whedon

No explicit sex or violence.


“That’s Not Applesauce”


“That’s it for today, Buffy,” Harry said as he tossed the last report into their “out” box. “It’s early yet, what say I take you to Hogwarts?”

“Really?” exclaimed Buffy. “I’d love to see it!”

“No time like the present then, hang on to your knickers,” Harry replied as he took her arm.

“Still have my knickers,” Buffy said as they appeared in Hogsmeade.

“Pity, that,” mused Harry.

“Yeah, like you care,” Buffy said with a grin.

“I dunno, Buff, you’re starting to grow on me,” Harry responded.

“Thanks, just as long as you don’t start growing on me.”

“Think Gabrielle might take exception, do you?”

“Well, we have been talking about kids…” Buffy admitted, smiling coquettishly.

“I might not be bluffing you know,” Harry cautioned, “working so closely with you all this time… well…”

“You’re not so bad yourself, maybe we should save this talk for another time though, okay?”

“Good idea, come on, it’s not too long a walk to the school,” Harry agreed and informed.

“This is a cool village, can we look around?” Buffy asked.

“We’ll check it out on the way home, you’ll love Honeyduke’s,” promised Harry.

Side by side, they walked quickly up the path to Hogwarts, they rounded a corner and –

“Holy shit! A real castle!” exclaimed Buffy.

“Yup, dungeons and everything,” Harry assured her, “secret passages, moving staircases, hidden rooms, the lot. We put it back just like it was before the war.”

“Welcome to Hogwarts!” greeted a wizard with a smiling round face.

“Neville, this is my friend and colleague, Buffy. The Buffy; the Vampire Slayer. Buffy, meet Neville Longbottom, Headmaster of Hogwarts, hero, and friend,” Harry said by way of introduction.

“Charmed,” Neville said as he took Buffy’s hand and bowed. “Next time you can Apparate straight in, Harry. I’ve just keyed the wards to admit her.”

“That means he hopes that you’ll talk to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classes,” Harry told her, sotto voice.

“Glad to,” Buffy assured them both. “This place is so cool!”

“Show her everything Harry; nothing is off-limits to you two. I’ve told the teachers to expect interruptions. They’re all hoping you’ll pick their classes to show her,” Neville promised.

“Thanks Neville, come on Buffy, we’ll start with the Great Hall…”

~~~~~

“That was a big snake,” Buffy allowed as she stared at the Basilisk skeleton. “You’re more than just a nerd, aren’t you Harry?”

“Now and then, at need,” he admitted. “Let’s get back above ground and get cleaned up. You can use the prefect’s bath. You’ll like it.”

~~~~~

“I’m going to bring Gabrielle here,” Buffy said aloud as she floated in a mound of scented bubbles.

“If you mean Gabrielle Delacour, I certainly hope so,” a wispy voice answered her.

“Who the hell are you?” exclaimed Buffy as she whipped upright.

“Myrtle; they call me ‘Moaning Myrtle’,” the ghost answered her. “You’re quite beautiful you know, and very graceful, I haven’t seen such pretty dives since Ginny Weasley left school.”

“Oh, thanks. Are you a gay ghost?”

“Not really, I appreciate pretty no matter the gender. Ghosts are ill-equipped for sexual preference anyhow. No one can touch us, you see.”

“Right. That would make it tough. Umm… would you mind turning your back while I get out?”

“Don’t be silly, you can’t see me unless I let you, so how would you know? Besides, what have you got to be shy about? You’re gorgeous, and I have to get my joy where I can, don’t you see?” Myrtle retorted.

That made sense, and Buffy was kind enough to rinse thoroughly and dry slowly. She had just dropped the towel in a hamper when a chill enveloped her.

“Thank you,” whispered Myrtle, and Buffy thought she felt cold lips on her cheek.

“Strange place, but I like it,” she said as she dressed.

~~~~~

“We can visit the common rooms after dinner if you like,” Harry suggested.

“Maybe next time, I don’t want to have to rush, and I need to get home before too long,” Buffy answered him.

“Thank you for talking with Professor Mayhem, Buffy,” Neville said, “our curriculum is actually kind of soft on demon lore.”

“They tend to shy away from witches and wizards when they can, that’s one reason the teams have been so effective for us,” Buffy informed him. “But these kids should know what’s out there, ignorance may be bliss, but it’s dangerous. I’ll get together with Hermione and come up with a plan to supplement your courses, maybe a few seminars, with field trips for the advanced students.”

“Might as well start recruiting,” Harry agreed. “How is Mayhem as a teacher, Neville? Any road, he’s got to be better than Umbridge was.”

“He’s pretty good,” Neville allowed, “at least he’s open-minded. He doesn’t have quite the touch Professor Lupin had though.” Harry and Neville both fell silent for a moment as they remembered their friend. “And I should tell you, Harry, that Dolores Umbridge is back at Hogwarts.”

“Are you serious?” Harry demanded, and Neville nodded.

“She got sacked from the Min, and I felt sorry for her,” Neville admitted.

“What on earth for, and what could she possibly do here? Surely you aren’t allowing her to teach?”

“Of course not, she’s Mr. Filch’s assistant. He’s getting on a bit, and he needed a bit of help. Really Harry, she’s a shell of herself, quite pitiful, really.”

“You’re too softhearted for your own good, Neville,” Harry sighed.

“Who is Dolores Umbridge?” Buffy asked. Harry gave her the abridged version. “Huh, sounds like a real bitch to me. Isn’t she dangerous?”

“Her wand was snapped,” Neville told them, “and the Unspeakables squibbified her. I wouldn’t have her here if she posed a threat. She keeps to herself and does her work. In fact, she’s volunteered to work in the kitchen. The elves say she’s a big help, as a matter of fact she’s preparing a dish for supper tonight. I think it’s her way of trying to make amends with you, Harry. The kitchen superintendent said that she begged to help when she found out you were going to be here.”

“Well I’m not sure if I’m going to eat anything she fixes,” Harry said with a shiver. “Do you know what she’s preparing?”

“Applesauce,” Neville told him.

“Hard to mess that up I guess, but I might still pass on it.”

“Suit yourself,” Neville agreed, “in any case it’s time for dinner, you’ll be sitting with me, as befits your station.” He gave them a deep bow, and then grinned.

“Prat,” Harry called him, but his humor was restored.

Neville presented his guests to the school at large, and they received a thunderous ovation. Buffy blinked as the food appeared.

“Neat! Gosh, this looks good,” Buffy commented.

An elf carrying a large bowl entered by a side door, and stepped up beside the Headmaster’s chair.

“Here is the special applesauce Dolores is making, Professor,” squeaked the elf. “I is bringing it myself because she said that it doesn’t travel well by magic.”

“Thank you Smidgen,” Neville said as he took the bowl, “and please thank Dolores for me.” Smidgen bowed and scurried off. Neville took a delicate sniff. “Smells delicious really, this is not the usual applesauce.”

Neville placed the bowl on the table.

“That does smell good,” Harry allowed, and he took up a spoon. “A little taste can’t hurt.” He reached the spoon towards the bowl and found himself flat on his back, his hand throbbing.

“That’s not applesauce,” Buffy snapped, “nobody touch that stuff! Harry, I need you to execute Athena, right now.”

Harry knew from her tone and the look on her face that Buffy was quite serious, and Athena was nothing to play with. He also trusted her implicitly.

“Neville, I need immediate permission to bring a magical artifact through the wards,” Harry said urgently as he rose to his feet. To his credit, Neville asked no questions, but flicked his wand.

“Done,” he said. By now the murmurs were getting quite loud in the hall, and everyone was trying to see what was going on at the head table.

“Get everyone outside, Neville,” Buffy declared, “and nobody touches that “applesauce”.

“What is going o-“ Neville started to ask, but he was interrupted by a ringing sound as the Scythe appeared in the air in front of Buffy. She grabbed it and turned to Harry.

“Lead me to the kitchen, now. We’ll explain soon, Neville, just get everyone out of the castle, this is my territory.”

~~~~

“Something is up,” Faith told Fleur and Hermione, “Buffy just implemented Athena. I’ve called Alpha and we’re headed to Hogwarts, do you want to come?” she asked as she strapped the Sword of Gryffindor to her waist.

They did.

~~~~

“The kitchen is just down this corridor,” Harry said as he rounded a corner with Buffy on his heels, “behind a painting, hang on…” Buffy gritted her teeth while Harry tickled fruit, but kept quiet. This was Harry’s territory. He swung the door wide and moved aside to let Buffy in first. Winky appeared at his side with her wand at the ready. “Good work Winky,” Harry told her, “but I don’t know what we’re up against yet.”

“No wands!” yelled Buffy.

“Fine by me,” Winky said as she drew her sword.

“Where is the thing that made the applesauce?” Buffy asked Smidgen. Smidgen pointed a trembling finger at a side door. Harry was closest, and he threw it open to see…

“Umbridge?” he gasped, for before him was something that did indeed remind him of her, but it was more toadlike than ever, and the wide mouth was filled with very sharp teeth as it grinned at him. On the floor around it were several bowls of applesauce.

“Umbridge no more, Potter,” the creature rasped, “I have been transformed, and your magic cannot harm me now. Tell me, did you like your treat? I made it especially for you.”

“I didn’t have any,” Harry admitted.

“Pity, then I shall simply kill you. I did mention that magic cannot harm me, didn’t I?”

“I can,” Buffy informed her as for the second time that evening Harry found himself sailing through the air.

“Slayer!” hissed the Umbridge-thing.

“The original,” Buffy agreed, kicking the door shut.

“Is you all right, Harry?” Winky asked him.

“I think so, bit tired of being tossed around, but I guess Buffy knows what she’s about.”

“She usually does,” Winky agreed.

“Is that Winky?” Smidgen asked in awe.

From behind the closed door came crashes and bellows, and a wet sort of “chunk” sound every now and again that meant that Buffy was swinging for the fences.

“Everyone get out of the castle,” Harry commanded, “leave this to us.”

The elves hesitated for a moment.

“Move it, you wankers,” Winky yelled, they moved it.

By now Neville and the teachers and prefects had assembled everyone on the front stairs so that the Heads of House could take the roll. Neville looked across the grounds and his eyes went wide.

“Now there is something you don’t see every day,” he told his deputy as he pointed across the broad lawn.

A brunette woman carrying a silver sword was running towards them at a speed that could not be credited, flanked by two men who each had someone on their backs, followed by two witches on broomsticks. Neville stepped forward to greet them.

“Thanks for sending your patronus, Hermione, I’d hate to have missed your arrival,” Neville greeted her.

“Is that Dagger?” Smidgen asked in awe.

“What it is, homeslice?” Dagger asked him with a wink. Smidgen fainted.

The captain of the Slytherin quidditch team was staring at Faith.

“Close your mouth, Temperance,” hissed the girl next to her, “you look like an idio-“ the speaker had just caught sight of Fleur.

“Where’s Buffy?” Faith asked.

“Kitchen,” Neville answered.

“Right, follow me,” Hermione commanded as she ran up the stairs.

“Who were those people?” Neville’s deputy asked him while she brought Smidgen around.

“Well, Hermione Granger and Fleur Delacour I know for sure, and the brunette with the muscles had the Sword of Gryffindor, so unless I miss my guess that was Strike Team Alpha,” Neville answered.

”Strike Team Al-“ Smidgen was out again.

“Leave him be,” Neville said, “that can’t be good for him. Settle down everyone,” Neville called in a commanding voice, “whatever is going on will be handled, never fear.”

“Beggin’ your pardon Headmaster,” Filch said as he sidled up to Neville, “but if you go hiring Bufo demons, this sort of thing is bound to happen.”

“What?” asked Neville.

“Bufo demon, I assumed you knew,” Filch said with a shrug.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Like I said Headmaster, I assumed you knew. Besides, it was a good worker and I needed the help. Speaking of which, there is going to be one more hell of a mess when this is done. Hazmat, quarantine, sterilization protocols, the lot.”

“What on earth are you talking about Argus?”

“You’ll see Headmaster, you’ll see,” Filch said smugly.

“Argus watches the Muggle television shows at home,” whispered deputy head Rangel.

~~~~

“Where’s Buffy?” Faith asked as Alpha poured into the kitchen.

Harry pointed to a door, and at that moment there came a shuddering moan that faded into nothingness.

The door opened a crack.

“Jesus Christ, what a mess. I’m okay, and it’s over,” Buffy said, “everybody keep back. Draco, I need you to suspend the Scythe in the air and heat it to five hundred degrees. I’ll toss it out on the count of three; I just need to wipe it off first. Then I need a level five chemical cleaning tent set up as close to this door as you can get it. Ready?”

“Of course,” Draco promised, drawing his wand.

“One, two, three…” the scythe arched into the air and Draco suspended it near the ceiling. In a moment it began to glow with heat. Leaving that, he conjured a tent hard by the crack in the door, the tent quivered as Buffy entered, and from within came the sound of the chemicals spraying. “I’m gonna need something to wear,” Buffy called from within the tent, and Hermione conjured a set of Gryffindor robes.

“Lions for the win,” said a grinning Harry.

“Bloody Gryffindor cheek,” muttered Draco.

“I’m coming out the back,” Buffy announced, “anyone who doesn’t want to see me naked should shut their eyes.” No one did, and Hermione had the robes ready for her. “Thanks guys, I’m flattered,” Buffy said with a smile as she observed her audience.

“You’re holding up rather well, pet,” Spike admitted.

“You stink though, Buff,” Harry said seriously. Buffy shrugged.

“Gives me an excuse to go back to the prefect’s bath, Draco, are you familiar at all with the size of that room?”

“Well enough, I used to sneak in here and knick food, why?” he answered.

“I need you and Dagger to vanish that room, the tent, and the floor between the tent and the door. Be generous, we can’t have anything left over.”

“Right. Hermione, will the castle be stable after we do that? The room is about 10 meters square and 5 high,” Draco asked her.

“Should be okay, we put structural integrity spells in place when we did the repairs. Harry, why don’t you give me a hand reinforcing the ones around the kitchen?”

“Why on earth are we doing this and what the hell happened to Umbridge?” Harry demanded.

“Later,” Buffy told him, “just get it done, then we have to take care of the Great Hall.”

“You say so Buffy,” Harry said with a shrug.

In a few moments it was done.

“Weird,” said Draco as he stared at the empty space.

“Let’s finish up,” Buffy declared, “Fleur, can you have Gabrielle come here? I kind of promised somebody something, and I need her.”

“Of course,” Fleur replied.

“Let’s go,” Buffy said, and Draco returned the now cooled Scythe to her. “You did good, baby,” Buffy said as she patted the weapon. “Thanks for the loan Faith,” she said, returning the Scythe.

“Anytime, B, my Scythe is your Scythe. Here’s your sword back. Sorry I missed the fun, though.”

“Oh, there will be some real fun later, trust me, girlfriend.” Buffy actually winked. “Lead us back to the Hall, Harry.”

“Are you ever going to explain this?” Harry asked.

“Soon, let’s go.”

“Women...” muttered Harry.

“Can’t live with them, can’t kill them,” agreed Draco, “not our women, any road. They’d kick our asses, Harry.”

“Yeah,” Harry replied, “and life would just plain suck without them. I yield to the mystery that is woman.”

“Oh stop whining,” Buffy told them, “we’re almost done.”

Alpha, Bravo, and Fleur and Hermione arrived in the Great Hall.

“It seems smaller,” Hermione said as she looked around the vast room.

“Okay Dagger, you and Draco need to vanish this bowl and its contents,” Buffy said, indicating the applesauce. “Fortunately I stopped Harry before he got a spoon in it, so it should all be right there. Get a meter all around it just in case though, and the elf that brought it will have to go into quarantine.”

“What the hell is going on?” Harry demanded. “Is this the Applesauce of Doom or something?”

“It’s not applesauce, it’s spawn,” Buffy told him. “Umbridge, if that was the Umbridge you knew, was a Bufo demon. If you’d swallowed any of it you’d be one too.”

“Spawn? You mean – “ Harry was violently sick.

“Might as well vanish that too,” Buffy said, ‘let’s finish up here, I’m hungry.”

~~~~

Headmaster Longbottom, with the help of Hermione, Fleur, and Draco, soon repaired the damage to the castle. Filch was thrilled, but a touch disappointed that he missed the hazmat team, not to mention the chemical shower. Smidgen was escorted to his quarantine room by no less personages than Dagger and Winky, who graciously autographed his ears. He was top elf from then on.

“Now then,” Neville said, “I’m sure we’re all hungry still.”

“Not me,” Harry demurred, who was a bit green, “take me home, Draco, please.”

“Right, see you all tomorrow,” Draco said to his colleagues.

“Take the day off, I am,” Buffy told them, “Amanda can run things.”

“She’ll like that,” Spike put in.

“Are you really vampires?” asked a daring seventh year girl.

“Yup,” confirmed Angel.

“Would you bite me?” she asked.

“Don’t be stupid,” Angel told her, “there is nothing sexy about being bitten by a vampire. Ask Buffy.”

The girl turned to Buffy.

“Not a damn thing,” Buffy lied, “and their breath is really bad.”

“Oh, do you sparkle in the sunlight, then?” the girl asked.

“Not that again,” Spike groaned. “No. Vampires do not bloody sparkle in the sunlight, we burn like torches, except for me and Angel. A God changed that just for us because we are so bloody special.” Spike put on his game face and snarled, and the girl shrieked and fled. “I’ll be glad when this vampire craze is over,” he sighed.

“Fame is a curse,” Angel agreed, “let’s go home and give Amanda the news.”

“Right you are, that ought to get things going!” Spike said enthusiastically.

“I’ll send them home,” Neville offered, “unless the rest of you are going too?”

“Faith, Fleur, Hermione, Gabrielle, and I are staying,” Buffy informed him, “Dagger and Winky are spending the night here with relatives, so if you could, Neville, that would be very nice.”

“My pleasure,” Neville assured her, “where to, lads?”

“The lobby of the Min work for you?” Spike asked.

“Done,” Neville replied.

“That was quite a remarkable spell, Neville,” Hermione complimented him.

“Thanks, I’m going to set the wards to admit you all at any time. You can come and go as you please. Hogwarts should have closer ties with your office. Now then, time to put on my Headmaster’s face.”

Neville stood and cleared his throat, and the room fell silent.

“The excitement is over, and I want to thank all of you for behaving so well under trying circumstances. It’s late, and we’re all tired and hungry. Tomorrow’s classes are cancelled, enjoy your meal,” he announced.

The cheers roused all of the owls in the castle.

~~~~

“This is some bathroom,” Faith declared as she looked around, “we should get something like this.”

“Good idea,” Hermione agreed, “now then Buffy, admitting that you need a bath, why are we all here?”

“Just a favor for a friend, don’t be shy girls,” Buffy shucked her robes and dove into the bubble bath.

“What the hell,” Faith said, and she followed suit. Soon enough the laughter of the five women echoed through the room.

“Faith is right,” Fleur said as she sat on the edge with her feet in the water, “we should have a room like this.”

“Thank you for sending for me, love,” Gabrielle told Buffy, “this has been fun.”

“It’s been wonderful!” exclaimed a wispy voice that rang with happiness.

“Myrtle?” gasped Hermione in shock.

“Yeah, I met her earlier,” Buffy answered, “she seemed an okay sort, so I thought we’d have a little pool party for her. Besides, she thinks I’m pretty.”

“Oh, you are! You all are! I haven’t had such a good time in my entire death! Thank you so much!” Myrtle told them joyfully.

“I should be upset about this,” Hermione told Buffy, “but honestly, seeing Myrtle actually happy is worth a little lost modesty.”

“You lost that long ago, ‘Ermione my love,” Fleur countered. “Now come to me you two, let us give dear Myrtle a proper ending to this evening.”

“My idea exactly,” Buffy agreed as she embraced Gabrielle.

“Aren’t they just beautiful?” Myrtle sighed to the mermaid.

The End

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