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New Employee Orientation to Hell

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Summary: Part of the mandatory orientation program for new hires in Hell includes a filmstrip on the hazards posed by 'The Scoobies.' This story was partly inspired by a weird dream and a Rowan Atkinson skit.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > ComedyRevDorothyLFR743,7886378,31410 Mar 1123 Mar 11Yes

Test on New Employee Orientation, Part One

Okay, so I'd thought this was just a one-shot, but then Part One seemed to beg for a follow-up.

Eventually there will be a Part Two for the Hellish New Hires Orientation Filmstrip on the menace posed by the Scoobies and associated entities (I think!), but in the meantime, here's the first part of the New Employee Orientation Test:



TEST ON PART 1 OF NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION FILMSTRIP, COVERING HANDBOOK SECTION 6.6

(Supervisor's Edition: Correct Answers and Official Procedures Included)


Instructions: Remember, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.


1) True or False? All Vengeance Demons are our friends and have unrestricted access to this hell dimension.____________

False -- stray Vengeance Demons found in this dimension are to be apprehended and held for questioning under the General Suspicion of Being Up to No Evil provision of the Home-Hell Security Directive. Supervisors are required to immediately report any employee suspected of socializing with or being sympathetic towards Vengeance Demons or any other demons unaffiliated with this dimension. (Note: this reporting requirement does not extend to any employee who answered true to the above question, since that employee shall have been deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith.)

2) Use of the 'W' word by a fellow employee anywhere in this dimension is:

(A) No big deal.

(B) Only to be expected, since employee discontent is an essential part of our E.E.M.U.S. mission profile.

(C) To be reported immediately to a supervisor, while the employee in question is gagged and restrained.

(D) An excellent opportunity for blackmail, provided that you give your immediate supervisor their standard 60% cut of all proceeds.

The correct answer is (C). Any employee choosing (A) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (B) or (D) should be fined half a century's pay and kept under close observation, being deemed 'too damned smart to be trusted.'

3) True or False? Buffy Anne Summers is just another expendable Vampire Slayer, and therefore no real threat to demonic operations on this scale. _____________

False -- Any employee choosing True shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith.

4) 'THE SCOOBIES' are:

(A) A bunch of meddling kids riding around in a suspicious-looking van.

(B) The gang of human and non-human allies associated with the Oldest Living Vampire Slayer, Buffy Anne Summers.

(C) A 'Level Four Contaminant' requiring extreme safety measures in case of accidental close contact.

(D) All of the above.

(E) B and C only.

The correct answer is (E). Any employee choosing either (A) or (D) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (B) or (C) shall be assigned to three decades of septic tank duty in the 'Pit of Explosive Diarrhea' as an encouragement to pay closer attention in future.

5) If you see the witch Willow Rosenberg anywhere while in the pursuit of your duties, you should immediately: (Choose the best answer)

(A) Check to see what color her hair is, and then run away, very quickly, regardless of what color it is.

(B) Check to see what color her hair is, and then report her whereabouts to the senior demon in your division as a 'Level Five Threat' if her hair is white.

(C) Check to see what color her hair is, and attempt to recruit her if her hair is black.

(D) Both A and B.

(E) Both A and C.

The best answer is (D), but anyone who chooses either (A) or (B) shall be deemed potentially competent with the aid of remedial training. Any employee choosing either (C) or (E) shall be deemed 'too reckless to live' and executed forthwith, just to be on the safe side.


NOTE: This concludes Part One of the New Employee Orientation Test. Do not share the contents of this test with anyone else, upon pain of Termination and Eternal Evisceration.

Thank you for not littering. Remember, in the unlikely event that you survive the Orientation Process, this Hell will be your Home, too, and we must all Help to Keep Our Hell Tidy.
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