Disclaimer: The Buffyverse belongs to some combination of Joss Whedon, the Kuzuis, Mutant Enemy, Fox, and/or other Hollywood corporate entities. As for the various crossover universes visited here: Hanna-Barbera and its corporate successors built the Scoobyverse, Sabrina and Salem are part of the Archie Comics empire (in this case, the part licensed to their live-action TV series), Gene Roddenberry created the
Star Trek universe (now governed by Paramount/CBS), Andrew Marlowe and ABC control the Castleverse, and Disney owns the
Sorcerer's Apprentice universe. None of these good people and corporations, however, had anything to do with the following drabble-sequence, which is about as silly as anything I've written....Part 1: The Lamest Cliché Ever
“Don’t worry, my dear, this won’t hurt a bit.”
The Slayer glared at Ethan Rayne. “When my muscles unfreeze....”
“This won’t take long. And when I’m done, they won’t be your muscles.”
“You realize this is the lamest cliché ever.”
“Sometimes the old-school approach is the best. Besides, you must admit my technique is distinctive.”
“Right. You just gave a brain-switching amulet to some tourists passing through town, and hope one of them put it on.”
“I was a little more subtle than that. Now, then...” Ethan muttered a Latin phrase.#
Buffy blinked. And sniffed. Loudly. “Ruh-roh!”
“Something wrong, Scoob?”Part 2: Braining Cats and Dogs
“I really shouldn’t do this,” the girl said, nervously.
Shaggy groveled melodramatically. “You just gotta help get Scoob back!”
“Okay, I’ll try.” She read from her spellbook, one hand holding the amulet, the other resting on the dog’s head. “Mind and body, now opposed, to their opposites transposed!
The air sparkled for a moment. Then:
“Er, Sabrina? I think you got the wrong opposites.” The voice coming out of the Great Dane was clear, dry, and very much not Scooby-Doo’s.
“Salem? But if you’re in there...”
“Then I’m a talking cat,” said the black cat sitting next to Sabrina. “Not.”Part 3: Highly Illogical
Sabrina consulted her grimoire. “Need an expert, SOS, brain transfusion, sure success!
A uniformed, yellow-skinned man appeared. “Where am I?”
“Massachusetts. My cat’s been brain-switched. Can you fix him?”
Data’s eyebrow rose. “Female? In a male body?”
“Her original body?”
“That’s a problem.”
“Fascinating. I will require parts.”
Several hours and numerous small appliances later, Data applied electrodes. “This should not be painful.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“Activating.” Energy went ffzzott!
“Where am I? I can’t see!”
“In a temporary storage vessel. There were insufficient materials to construct an android body.”
“I’m a brain in a jar?”
“Essentially.”Part 4: It’s Aliiiive!
“Now what?” the Slayer-in-storage demanded.
“I must return to the future,” Data said. “Come, and a body could be constructed for you.”
“Buffybot 2.0? No way. Just FedEx me back to Sunnydale.”
“If you insist.”
FedEx, however, had other plans.#
“Dad, package for you!”
“I don’t remember—hey, new Playstation! Custom job, too.”
“I am not a Playstation!”
“Voice interactive? Cool!” Castle plugged it into his TV, inserting a Halo disc.
“You can’t—ow!” Castle began racking up kills. “Okay, enough.” A blonde warrior appeared onscreen, dealing high-volume death.
“Unfair! Alexis, this Playstation’s possessed!”
“So? Call an exorcist.”
“Good idea.”Part 5: A Guy For Everything
The shop owner cocked an eyebrow. “Castle, you know I don’t deal in electronics.”
“How about evil spirits?”
“I keep telling you, not evil!”
“That’s what they all say.”
“All right,” said Balthazar Blake. “Now I’m interested. May I?”
“Be my guest,” said the writer.
Balthazar eyed the Playstation thoughtfully, traced sigils in the air around it with his wand, and studied the results. “Most unusual. Someone has apparently managed to digitize a Slayer.”
“Give the man a kewpie doll.”
“Make that a snarky Slayer,” said Castle.
The Playstation bleeped. “You’re a wizard?”
“Get me out of here!”Part 6: High-Energy Climax
New York: a highly evolved Playstation sits in a pentagram’s center, Tesla coils oscillating in the background.
Sunnydale: in another pentagram, a still blonde form lies waiting.
“This will take all our talents,” Balthazar says, speaking to both Dave (standing over the Playstation) and Willow (via speakerphone).
“Ready,” says Willow, swallowing.
“As I’ll ever be,” says Dave.
“All together, then,” says Balthazar. Latin ensues.
The Playstation glows. So does the blonde body. Blue haze slowly rises from the machine, swirls, pulses – and pops
, vanishing, reappearing above and sinking into the blonde.
The Slayer awakens. “That was one bizarre road trip.”