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“Ahem. In proper order, the charges would have normally been put down as: Disobeying a lawful order from the Watch; i.e., refusing to identify themselves save for the single cognomen provided by one ‘Spike’.”
On the whole, that specific vampire standing at the forefront of his gang of demonic minions occupying the Sunnydale alley would have ordinarily been rather impressed by someone actually managing to pronounce the periods in the abbreviation for ‘id est’ which translates into ‘that is to say’. However, at that exact moment, Spike’s (not to mention the rest of his foul band) total concentration was fixed upon the other person there in armor presently removing their iron helmet, and how this then produced from under that headgear a magnificent mane of ash-blond hair.
“Charge number two: Uttering obscene, insulting, and threatening language against Watchmen, including such affronts as ‘tin-bellies’ and ‘canned food’, not to mention, ‘We’ll show you why once you’ve had vampire, you can’t go back, love’.”BONG! Bing! Wonga, wonga, wonga.
Those above sounds were the result of the iron helmet being dropped to the alley floor, bouncing once, and then spinning around several times upon the helmet’s rim before at last coming to a rest. As slim fingers then began to unbuckle the side straps of her breastplate, Spike and the other demons simultaneously leaned forward, paying no attention whatsoever to the calm voice continuing to read the list of offenses.
“Charge number three: After identifying themselves as vampires, the leader of this group of hemoglobin-consumers indeed confirmed that he and his associates were not part of the Black Ribboners. In fact, they professed total ignorance of that vampiric organization whose overriding principle is to never imbibe the blood of any intelligent creature. Nevertheless, ignorance of the law is no excuse, and furthermore, extremely antisocial assertions by the interviewed group were then expressed at large to this officer, indicating their future plans to, quote, ‘rip out your throat and drink you to the last drop, you wanker’, end quotation.”CLAAAANGaaaaang! Whump. Whump.
The breastplate hit the ground front first, with the twin protrusions of this piece of armor striking the alley floor asphalt and producing an interesting double-chime effect, followed by the soft sounds of a pair of leather sandals being kicked off their feet (size six and a half, if you must know). Every single fiend’s gaze now tracked with utmost absorption how one hand was expertly working away at the belt of their leather skirt, while the other hand was up and behind herself while tugging free the knot at the back of her neck that held the straps of her tunic in place.
“Charge number four: After their adamant refusal to be peacefully escorted into custody at the nearest law-enforcement facility, it was realized with some alarm by this officer that ‘Spike’, as he termed himself, not to mention his accomplices, were about to begin carrying out their felonious plans against the inhabitants of our current location. Which had earlier been identified to us as the town of Sunnydale, a place totally unknown to both myself and my fellow Watchman. Regrettably, once it became clear that we were well out of our jurisdiction, it followed that we had no powers of arrest or any other authority to preserve the peace that Ankh-Morpork Watchmen usually posses.”
Still determinedly gazing at the nearest wall of the alleyway, as he’d continuously done for the last few minutes during his rehearsing out loud the explanation to hopefully be given in the course of future events to Commander Vimes, Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson now clapped his hand to his hip and smoothly drew out his razor-sharp sword from the scabbard there, all while adding, “Of course, in that event as being private individuals rather than Watchmen, we were certainly allowed to defend ourselves against killers by whatever means of trickery or level of force that was deemed to be necessary.”
Since that last statement had been delivered in the identical steady tone he’d been using during all of his recitation, an engrossed Spike and the other demons totally missed what that tall, red-haired human had just said. Instead, with bulging eyes, these monsters witnessed how a woolen tunic and a leather skirt then slid off the nubile body of a striking young woman, leaving her totally nude under the silvery light of tonight’s Halloween moon.
An instant later, this female had then incredibly transformed into something that froze every single demon there in sheer shock, giving Carrot more than enough time to decapitate the nearest immobile fiend and to use his momentum to carry himself deeper into the mob of evildoers, with his sword further stabbing and carving, as the Watch officer began to protect the unknowing populace of Sunnydale.
Normally, Spike might have raised a heated objection or two regarding the sudden interruption of his plans tonight to kill Buffy Summers, the Slayer, and then make an attempt to take over the Hellmouth. Except, this vampire was otherwise diverted from expressing his scathing opinion about that ‘soddin’ bloke with the big knife’ due to the set of very sharp teeth that had just deeply embedded themselves into his throat. Faster than this unliving Englishman could react, jaws that were more than capable of crushing the skull of an ox then clenched with all the power of their muscles, and Spike’s entire head was instantly bitten off his neck.
A minute later in the alley now possessing only two intact persons there, Carrot was calmly cleaning off his sword while working out what exactly they were to do next. Not that this needed any great deliberation, given the man’s firm conviction that this ‘Sunnydale’ place definitely needed what two Ankh-Morpork Watchmen could provide tonight, the capacity to ‘Serve The Public Trust, Protect The Innocent And Seriously Prod Buttock’.
Sheathing his sword, the crew-cut redhead put his fists on his hips, and he fondly eyed the enormous wolf with her mane of ash-blond hair sitting down upon her haunches in the alleyway and gazing back at himself with actual intelligence in her stare. Clearing his throat, Captain Carrot suggested, “Corporal Angua, I believe that this town can use a good, long patrol by a pair of Watchmen not afraid to get their hands dirty. Shall we?”
Hearing that, the female werewolf in her animal shape promptly wagged her long tail as hard as she could, sending up clouds of dust from the exact spot on the alley floor where she’d planted her hindquarters.
This same dust had earlier tonight been a more solid Spike that had never even heard
of a series of hilarious fantasy novels about a very absurd place called the Discworld. Unlike Xander Harris, who’d talked his amused girlfriend into buying two sets of costumes from the new shop in town, Ethan’s, to then be reworked into actual Ankh-Morpork Watchmen uniforms. All without knowing just what would happen when the Chaos magic installed upon the garments manifested itself on Halloween night, cast by an English sorcerer with a fervent delight in anarchy.
Ordinarily, Harmony Kendall would have been totally freaked out due to being stuck inside a werewolf’s mind, but the honest fact was, she really
liked Delphine Angua, even when that shapechanger had been a completely fictional character. Now that they were sharing the same consciousness, the Sunnydale high-school student had to wryly note to the older woman from Überwald, as the wolf then got to her feet and trotted after the tall, confident man in his shiny armor leaving the alley, that whether they were Harmony or Angua, both of them would willingly accompany Carrot or Xander anytime, anywhere, on their ‘walkies’.