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The Crazy Crazies from Crazytown

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Summary: Xander gets thrown into Arkham Asylum and now has to deal with its inmates while completing his mission.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Batman > Xander-CenteredCuautlaFR18815,564412839,78325 Mar 1120 Jul 11No

The Poker Game

Author: Cuautla
Story: The Crazy Crazies from Crazytown
Disclaimer: I own only my car and some furniture. These characters are not mine. Batman and Buffy and everyone else belong to someone not me.
Story Summary: Xander is guilty for a lot of crimes in his life, but he was never convicted for any of them. Until he did some things in Gotham and met the Batman. Now it looks like he will be staying courtesy of the state at Arkham Asylum for the rest of his natural life. Just as Xander planned it.
A/N 1: This is a reworking of the currently unfinished Madhouse by MidknightJ, thanks for letting me run with this idea.
A/N 2: This is post Season 7 Buffy and begins in between Arkham Asylum:Living Hell and Batman: Arkham Asylum.



“And if it weren’t for this blasted coin, I would have got him too.”

There was a look of mock sympathy around the poker table as four faces looked at the half disfigured Harvey Dent. The five people, or things depending on who you were looking at, sat at a round table with a pile of ripped paper in front of them. When Harvey, more commonly known as Two-Face had started telling his tale the game of 5 card draw had come to a pause.

All the players pointedly ignored the four heavily armed guards at each corner of the room and the manacles that held each to their chair. They were inmates of Arkham Asylum, after all. It was either a prison, a madhouse, or a revolving door as the need required. Right now it was a functioning asylum giving the reward of a poker night to its super-criminals for being
on their best behavior.

“Gee, that’s too bad, Harv,” replied the grinning figure known as the Joker. “But I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?”

The half-man half-crocodile looking beast slammed his fist in the metal table, leaving a sizable dent. “ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around.” Killer Croc leaned forward as he continued, “He was getting closer... Closer...”

“And…” said the voluptuous redheaded woman sitting next to Two-Face, expectantly.

“I threw a rock at him!” With an extremely toothy smile Croc leaned back in his re-enforced chair and waited for the praise to flow.

Dead silence filled the room, every eye in the room towards the reptilian man.

Turning away from Croc and towards her neighbor, Pamela asked, “So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?”

“It was a big rock...” muttered Croc, unable to figure out why they were not impressed with his attempt to kill Batman. It really was a big rock. Huge, really.

With a disgusted snort Two-Face answered, “They actually let him keep it!”

“Now that is a shame,” Ivy lamented. Turning to her right, she batted her eyes at the newest member of their poker game. “What about you, you have been quiet during the stories. What amazing tales do you have of the Batman?”

A single eye swept the table, pausing on Ivy before the man cleared his throat before speaking. “I’ve only met Batman once. It didn’t end too well, what with me being in here now. No, I don’t have any good stories about him. My high school graduation, however, is quite a tale.”

Laughing the Joker interrupted, “What happened, didn’t get enough attention so you blew up your school?”

A cold smirk crossed Xander's face as he answered, "Funny you should mention that. That is exactly what I did." Raised eyebrows were his only reply. "The mayor of the town I grew up in was more pleasant then Humpty Dumpty in the cell over, and more charming then Joker wooing his dear Harley. I heard the tapes when she was a psychiatrist here. That was first rate wooage coming from you."

"You heard those? Oh, you're too kind." blushed the Joker.

"Anyway, he really got on my nerves when he told me I would not amount to much. So when I heard he was giving a speech at graduation, I got 50 barrels of diesel fuel and 500 pounds of fertilizer together with 20 pounds of C4 that I stole from the local military base and had myself a mayoral BBQ. Right in the middle of his well rehearsed speech. Luckily the principal was caught up in the carnage, I never did like him. Oh, also a whole bunch of the mayor’s lackeys and aides and stuff. They all became dust in the wind. One little spark in the right place and poof, they all disappear. The police blamed it on a gas leak, and I was young and didn’t understand the power of reputation yet."

While Ivy looked curiously at Xander, Joker burst out in applause and stood up, giving a standing ovation. The guards in the room raised their guns halfway in response to the sudden movement, and stayed there until a few minutes after Joker sat down.

"Bravo, bravo young friend. There is definitely hope for you yet," Joker wiped away a fake tear. "I feel so proud of the upcoming generation. Disrupting the stale outdated plans and notions of the establishment. It reminds me of a time when . . ."

'If only you knew,' thought Xander as he listened to the convoluted plot hatched up by the clown. It was hard wearing this mask for so long. He had to draw on his memories of the Hyena and some of Anya's more creative wishes. But he knew he had to, for as long as it took. 'I really, really, really hate prophecies'.



A/N: The beginning dialogue is from Episode 46 of Batman:The Animated Series titled “Almost Got ’Im”. Thanks for reading.
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