The pervert sage had given him a lesson and showed his ability to summon toads, but Naruto was not impressed.
“Why do you summon toads?” Naruto asked with a confused look. “Why not summon something cool, like dinosaurs or something?”
The pervert sage was both annoyed and confused. “What's a dinosaur? And what do you mean toads aren't cool?”
“They're toads you old pervert!” Naruto yelled back.
“They're awesome partners! Fine! If you don't want my help, I'll go somewhere else to research!”
“Fine!” Naruto called to the man's retreating back. Then he slumped to the ground and crossed his arms. “If he doesn't want to teach me something cool, I'll just have to write my own summoning scroll.”
Now, normally, there would be many problems with this idea. Not the least of which, would be Naruto's poor knowledge of seals and scrolls, and there was also the problem that writing new summons had to be pretty dangerous. If the summons didn't respect you, it could have some serious, and potentially permanent, problems with you. When you're summoning creatures bigger than a house, it takes a lot to get them on your side. Naruto, however, knew none of this.
Taking out a new scroll, Naruto used his pitiful artistic ability to draw a ferocious dinosaur.
“Why are you drawing a picture of a bunny?” Sakura asked from over his shoulder. Naruto screamed in surprise.
“It's a dinosaur!” he protested, shooting the girl a glare.
“Sure looks like a bunny,” Sakura said with a superior, disapproving look.
“It's a dinosaur
“Look, it's got little whiskers-”
“Those are horns!”
“Big ears sticking out the back of its head-”
“That's the neck shield!”
“-And a big body and a fuzzy little tail,” Sakura said. “It's a bunny, a cute little bunny.”
“IT'S NOT A BUNNY!”
And with that, the pink haired ninja girl vanished into the crowd.
Naruto sighed, picked up the drawing and realized, that yes, his triceratops did
look like a bunny. With an aggravated growl, he wrote “This is a bunny, by Naruto” on one corner of the drawing. He was all ready to crumple the attempted summon into a ball and start over, when Kiba appeared behind him.
“What's with the bunny scroll?”
Naruto, not displaying any of the awareness required of an advanced ninja, Jumped from his seat on the sidewalk, slipped on a patch of wet stone, stabbed himself in the hand with a kunai and fell down, sliding his bloody palm across the scroll. With a burst of smoke, a gigantic, gray, anthropomorphic rabbit appeared, munching on a carrot. He leaned on Kiba in a relaxed fashion and looked down at his summoner.
“Ahhh, what's up Doc?”
“Totally a bunny, see!” Sakura said triumphantly.
The would-be summoner growled his frustration and started hitting his head against the pavement.
“Guk-guk-guk. What a maroon!”
Later, when Naruto's head had sufficiently healed and he was back to his normal self, he sat down for his favorite meal. His summoned Bunny followed along and sat down.
“Beef ramen please!” Naruto asked.
“Carrot ramen please!” demanded his gray summon.
“Carrot ramen? There's no such thing!”
“Watch and loin, kid!” the anthropomorphic rabbit said and soon enough, the bowls appeared and floating amongst the other ingredients and blending with the noodles were bright orange slices.
“I don't get it, I didn't mean to summon you,” the blond boy protested.
“Well kid, you don't always get what you want,” the rabbit replied. “The name's Bunny, Bugs Bunny. Nice tuh meecha!”
“Hrumph,” grumbled the boy. “I wanted a cool ninja pet.”
“Hey! We rabbits and hares make great ninjas!” protested Bugs as he slurped down his carrot ramen. “We're sneaky. We always know our surroundings, and we're great at stealth. We know lots o' tricks too!”
“Really? Still, I kinda wanted a dinosaur summon,” Naruto complained. “But, I guess if you're cool fighting ninja summons, that's alright.”
“Foist of all, I'm not a fightin' rabbit,” Bugs said, pulling up his fur to show a metal band around his ankle. The band was clearly labeled: “Traveling Rabbit, License No. 431876.”
“Traveling rabbit? Huh?”
Bugs through an arm around the kid's shoulder and whispered conspirator's words into his ear. “You see, kid, dere's all koinds a rabbits. Dere's stewin' rabbits, and fricasseeing rabbits; Dere's snake fightin' rabbits and Dere's tricky rabbits; Dere's long range fightin' rabbits and Dere's travelin' rabbits; there's even a few sword swingin' rabbits, too! An' don't be forgettin' that we rabbits are symbols of fertility!”
“Wow,” Naruto said, suddenly aware that he might have made a lucky mistake. “And you'll teach me all sorts of tricks right? I love tricks and pranks!”
“Weeeeell...I'd bettah see if you've got whoit it takes kid,” the rabbit replied, slurping down the last bit of carrot ramen. He stood up and motioned for Naruto to follow. Naruto, realizing that he was actually going to learn some techniques, slurped the entire bowl of ramen in one gulp. Bugs led the boy to a small park. “Now, watch closely, I'm gonna teach ya Dah Rabbit Burrow Travelin' technique. If you can keep up with me for a whole day, we'll let ya sign up.”
And with that, the rabbit pulled out a carrot, began to gnaw on it and slipped into the dirt. Naruto watched with fascination as a trail of upheaved dirt appeared in a huge circle. Then, as suddenly as it began, Bugs Bunny popped his head out of the ground. “See? Not'in' too it!”
Naruto caught a thrown carrot, and mimicked the actions the other rabbit had made. He gnawed on the root vegetable and popped into the ground, making his own burrow.
“Now follow me kid!”
And off they went, zig-zagging all over the place. They traveled under buildings, through forests, under streams, under roads, mountains and oceans and even to a few other worlds, and kept going, and going, until Bugs popped his head up to look around. Naruto saw not a desert landscape, but a massive city, instead. The Bunny pulled out a map, glanced at the blocky place called The South West, and turned to his summoner.
“Okay, kid, we'd best be gettin' you back home!” Bugs declared before popping into the ground and speeding off once more. Soon, they popped up again. Naruto gasped in amazement at the appearance of a massive green statue of a woman holding a torch.
“New Yoik City!” the rabbit exclaimed. “I knew we shuda taken dat right at Albuquerque.”
When they finally arrived back home, Bugs held out his hand and shook the boy's roughly.
“Good woik kid! Ya made it! You've got dah scroll and you've got me on your side!”
After signing the scroll, Bugs gave the boy a list. “Here's a few names uv a few good rabbits! Enjoi!”
There was a puff of smoke, and Bugs Bunny was gone.
In the month that followed, Naruto worked hard to become as adept a summoner as the pervert sage, and he was having fun. Myamoto Usagi was a great sparring partner, and Naruto had almost mastered the katana. Soon enough it was time for a few more missions with his genin team. He'd discovered that summoning Rabbit (as that was his name, as the rabbit was quick to point out), made it very easy to do many D missions. Weeding a garden was easy when you had a gardener to help out, and Rabbit was eager to help as he told Team 7 of his friends back home. Wol sounded like a nice fellow, but Eeyore sounded like he wasn't much fun.
There was a minor incident with a homicidal lop and his dislike of ferrets, but a couple of alfalfa martinis took care of the problem. That particular lop had the ability to turn into a tiny weapon called a “ Glock” but Naruto couldn't believe that a weapon that small could do anything. That was when Naruto made the mistake of cutting off Bun-Bun's alfalfa martini and hot springs allowance. While some summons, like Orochimaru's boss snake, required sacrifices, or Gamabunta required one to share a drink with him, Bun-Bun required porn, grass-based alcoholic drinks and someone to kill. After that was cleared up, Naruto got the chance to learn how to shoot.
While this was happening to Naruto, others of his age group were taking notice of the strange creatures he had taken to palling around with. The Super Pervert, while still upset that Naruto didn't think Toads were cool, was keeping an eye to the budding Bunny Sage. Rabbits were symbols of fertility, after all. Others were looking on in less favorable terms.
Sasuke was not pleased with the advancement that his teammate was making. His sense of superiority was slipping away as his teammate matched him in power. He couldn't let this new insult to his ego go unchallenged. And so he brooded until someone told him what to do.
Hinata Hyuuga, having been keeping an eye on the blond boy's antics, was a little concerned. While her...surveillance (not to be confused with stalking, because that was a crime and little Hyuuga princesses are never
criminals) had turned up little as to how it had happened, the object of her affections was becoming a summoner of immense power. And as his future wife (not that Naruto was aware of this fact, but Hinata knew it to be true) would need to be his equal. So, following that line of thought, logic demanded that she be a part of it.
Now, she could
have just asked to sign the rabbit summoning scroll, but Hinata had been staring at Naruto the day they had discussed Summons in the Academy, so she thought she needed to make her own. And considering that rabbits, while cute, weren't really her thing. Instead she decided to summon gallinaceous birds like pheasants and peacocks. She of course forgot that chickens, turkeys and other foul fowls belonged in this category as well.
Now, unlike Naruto, Hinata had
been trained in artistic ventures, but her clan favored the minimalist, iconic, zen aspects of art, focusing specifically on calligraphy. So when Hinata drew a pheasant, it was made up of only a few quick lines. Had the Hyuuga clan spent more time interested in the sciences and less on keeping half their number as slaves, they would have realized that something was not quite right with the image. One, birds have feathers. Two, birds have ancestors that didn't have feathers. However despite this lack of knowledge, Hinata was pleased in her minimalistic sketch and proceeded to sign her name and cut her thumb as she went through the hand signs. Slamming her bloodied palm to the ground, she called out her Summoning Technique, and didn't expect the result.
She expected a larger than normal talking bird. She didn't expect a shadow. Looking up, Hinata saw teeth. Lots of TEETH. These were the kind of teeth that made katanas feel insecure. Beyond the teeth was a red snout and two golden eyes looking down on her.
“Um, h-h-hello,” Hinata said in a very small voice.
It should be noted that Tyrannosaurs do not have nice smelling breath.
Hinata stood her ground even when faced with the larger than normal threat standing in her back garden, but wondered where she had made a mistake.
On a totally
different topic, theropods find Hyuuga elders quite tasty.
Shino was used to having animal allies and his body was a testament to this fact. The idea of having greater summons at his disposal was quite advantageous. With this in mind, he painted a beautiful firefly surrounded by all sorts of other insects that glittered and fluttered about the page. He signed it in blood and cast the summoning. A cloud of smoke and a beautiful woman appeared.
“Hello, little boy,” she said with a smile. “You can call me Mrs. French.”
“I am an Aburame. Your pheromones will not work on me,” he said in a monotone. “You are not a human.”
“Oo, you're good,” she said, walking over to him with a sultry stride. “Have you ever studied the praying mantis mating practices?”
“They feed off the males after mating,” Shino began before going into minute detail about the ecology of the praying mantis.
“Oh, so it probably wouldn't work out between us,” Mrs. French said sadly.
“No, but my opponent in the Chunin exam is free,” Shino suggested.
“Is he a virgin?”
Shino considered the idea for a moment. “There is a distinct possibility, as fourteen year old boys who play with puppets are rarely the height of the social pyramid.”
And so it went, more and more people writing and signing summoning contracts, something that people would think would be quite dangerous.
Tenten signed Guy-Sensei's ninja turtle contract with predictable results. There were four weapon masters that she summoned frequently, but the high price of pizza in Konoha made summoning them on a regular basis cost prohibitive.
Sakura got a trilobite summoning contract, and no one was really sure how it happened, not even her.
Neji refused, as it was beneath him to acknowledge that a Hyuuga would ever need help. This was similar to the fact that he refused to admit that he might need a rectal stickectomy because it was fate that it be so.
Lee, unable to summon anything, was given a baby giant tiger from the Forest of Death by Guy-Sensei. It was already big enough to ride and had a personality to match his owner's, although it didn't do much other than eat, sleep and pretend Lee's cast was an escaping wildebeest, but it was hard-working. Lee just saw this as a form of training.
Kiba didn't make his own, but signed the dog summoning contract. After Kiba summoned the first one, Akamaru was rather upset at being replaced and pulled off his best Sasuke impression as he brooded in the corner.
Choji got hippos, which were less of the hungry-hungry kind and more of the Moto-Moto kind.
Shikamaru thought it was too troublesome to sign a contract with things he didn't know, so he just had his family's deer walk on a scroll after walking through ink. They didn't do much other than eat and sleep, so they suited his personality perfectly.
Ino tried to make an otter contract, but ended up summoning squirrels. Although this was a slight bit of a disappointment for the blonde girl, she did appreciate Foamy's Kevorkian Scarf Assassination Technique and Slappy's Purse of Doom Technique. Slappy's Bomb-In-Pants technique also worked fairly well.
A month passed with Naruto practicing more and more on his Rabbit summons, much to the appreciation of the Toad Hermit (who noticed that the cute but deadly summons attracted women from all over). The blond future Hokage's aim improved with the Glock and his skill with a sword was advancing quite well under the tutelage of Myamoto Usagi. Finally it was time for Naruto's match against Neji.
Neji taunted Naruto, called him a fool, called him useless, said he should just give up and all that crap. It was fate this, it was fate that. He went on and on and on. They traded a few blows before Neji talked about the Cage Bird Seal and all that crap. Naruto finally had enough and chose to take care of business by shooting him in the leg with the transformed Bun-Bun. He missed the first few times, and so decided to use Briar Rabbit's Tar Baby Clone Technique (which caused the attacker to get caught in a sticky mess) to slow the pretty boy down. Neji fell for it completely and was perfectly immobilized, allowing Naruto to shoot him in the kneecap.
“AHHH!” screamed Neji at the sudden pain.
“You're a putz if you think that you're the only one who knows what it's like to live with a seal,” Naruto said. “Now, you'll either bleed out or die, so why don't you forfeit?”
Neji was rather obstinate and spouted some more about fate and went into a spin intended to deflect all incoming attacks. That ended quickly because of his blasted knee. Unfortunately, Glocks are a bit more powerful than your average kunai or shuriken.
The middle child of the Sand three glanced at the pretty woman standing next to his opponent and knew there was something wrong about how she was looking at him. Shino stood dispassionately as he awaited his turn. Kankuro shivered as the woman licked her lips.
“Hi,” she said.
“Uh, hi,” he said nervously. It must have been his manly war paint that was attracting her. Yeah, that was it.
“Do you want to go some place and get to know each other better?” Mrs. French asked as she trailed a finger over his chin.
“Uh-uh, sure!” Kankuro said before turning to Genma the Ref. “I forfeit!”
“Okay, sure,” Genma replied, more than a little confused as the Kankuro and the woman ran off together. The majority of the crowd booed the decision.
Hinata heard a strange sound. Turning to her normally stoic teammate, she noticed that he was giggling. “Shino?”
“Hehehehe,” Shino giggled. “That was a summon trap.”
“YOU HAD YOUR SUMMON SEDUCE YOUR OPPONENT?” Kiba bellowed so the rest of the crowd could hear. Heads turned to look at the boy.
“Would you explain what happened?” the Third asked. Shino nodded and explained that his summon was really a giant praying mantis in a disguise. “Very good example of your skills. Distraction is as important to a ninja as fighting talent.”
Days later, after the invasion, they found a set of black clothes and a puppet under a tree, but nothing else.
Naruto pushed Shikamaru into the pit.
“This is so troublesome,” he said with a groan. He was going to quit, but Ino disagreed.
“If you don't fight I'll hit you with the Kavorkian scarf technique!”
“ugh...women,” the lazy boy groaned. “So troublesome.”
This fight was pretty much unchanged from cannon because Nara shrine deer don't have any superpowers and therefore can't be summoned.
The brooding wonder was late and finally showed up to fight Gaara. Sasuke made the hand seals and used his blood and summoned his summon. Gaara was already transforming.
Daffy looked at Gaara's nasty transforming demonic form and then back at Sasuke with a flat look.
The invasion began, people started screaming and running all over the place. Some were sent after Gaara and others were sent to help the civilians. Atop one building, Orochimaru dragged the third across the roof, intending to have his minions put up a barrier.
Hinata looked up in horror as the missing-nin hid behind the purple sheen. Then the first and second Hokages arrived and started doing their thing. She had to do something. And so she did.
Biting her thumb and summoning a friend, Hinata commanded her toothy summon forward.
“Br-break that barrier please, Mr. T-Rex!” she requested politely, pointing at the Sound 4. Her tyrannosaurus winked at her, grinned and gave her a V for Victory, which wasn't that hard considering it only had two fingers on each hand.
Sakon and Ukon looked up at the sound of a roar and freaked out at the sudden appearance of a giganotosaurus a meter away from his face. His barrier went down. Enma, seeing the chance, killed the minion, as the third traded techniques with his former student. With the barrier down, Hinata was free to take care of business. Jiboro was a quick snack for Mr. T-Rex who absently chewed the man as he clamored to find a foot hold onto the roof.
“What the hell is that?” demanded Orochimaru, as Hinata, standing on a giganotosaurus's head summoned a pack of raptors that swarmed the roof. The traitorous snake summoner made a rather high pitched squeak when Mr. T-Rex jumped on the roof to protect the Third.
“Holy fuck!” Tayuya exclaimed, and realizing that discretion is the better part of valor clapped her hand over her mouth and quickly ran out of view. Kidomaru squealed like a struck pig as a raptor bit off his web-bow, and sent out a massive web at the dinosaurs before web-swinging away.
Orochimaru, finding himself between Mr. T-Rex and a giganotosaurus promptly pissed his pants a moment before being torn apart by the two of them. He didn't even have time to replace himself with a log.
“Are-are you okay, L-lord Ho-hokage?” Hinata asked from the giganotosaurus's head.
Sarutobi looked at the shy little girl for a moment as she pressed her fingers together nervously, blushing and not meeting his eyes.
“Yes, Miss Hyuuga,” he said with a smile, “I'm fine. Now, why don't you have your friends go eat some Sound and Sand ninjas?”
“O-okay,” she said with a shy little smile.
Sarutobi sat down on the roof as the gigantic dinosaurs tromped away. Enma, the boss monkey summon, reached into his robes, pulled out a flask, took a swig and passed it to the Hokage.
“Thanks,” Sarutobi said after taking a swig. “I needed that.”
“You and me both, old friend,” Enma said. “You and me both.”
The two summoned dead Kages, no longer under Orochimaru's control, looked at each other, shrugged, and went off to kill enemy ninjas.
Sakura looked on in horror as Gaara started transforming, not knowing what to do, she bit her thumb, made the handseals and summoned her summon.
“Kabuto! I choose you!” A silver-haired genin appeared in a puff of smoke and looked around in horror at his new location. Sakura winced at the accident. “Whoops, wrong Kabuto. Kabuto the trilobite
! I choose you!”
The little trilobite appeared and gave her a wink, then went to town shooting Aqua Blasts at the sand user. This gave the Leaf ninjas time for Naruto to arrive and save the day.
He went through the hand seals, sending up smoke. Two blonde teens appeared.
“What the hell?” asked Buffy, having had Sunnydale night turn into Konoha day.
“Uh, I was trying to summon bunnies to fight that demon possessed guy,” Naruto said, pointing at Gaara. Buffy Summers facepalmed and shook her head.
“I'm gonna hunt down Willow's mom and make her pay for this.”
The other blonde girl pulled out a little baton, called out something about make up, spun around, had her clothes vanish and showed up in a fuku. She pointed her baton at the transforming Gaara and glared cutely as she struck a pose.
“Forests are for dates with nice boys and picnics, not for demonic fights,” Usagi declared, striking a pose. “In the name of the moon, I will punish you!”
Buffy and Naruto shared a look.
“I think I'll try summoning something else.”
“Probably a good idea,” Buffy said.
Standing side by side with his father, Choji taught one group of Sound ninja why hippos are the most feared animal on the Nile. Ends up Moto Moto's right hook was as good as his looks. Ino strangled more than a few enemies that day, but was forced to hear Foamy rant about how stupid humans were. To make things worse, Shikamaru agreed with the little gray squirrel. It was nearly enough to make Ino pull out her own hair.
After trying a few other summons and throwing a few hundred Shadow Clones at Shukaku, Naruto felt it was time to end this, even if the Blonde with meatball hair was doing some pretty good damage.
“Watch out Gaara, because death awaits you with nasty big pointy teeth!” Naruto proclaimed as he brought out his final summon. The cute little white bunny nibbled on an arm Naruto had found somewhere.
“Get'em, Caerbannog!” Naruto commanded.
Shukaku, the one tailed tanuki, bellowed in fear at the little bunny.
“Run away! Run away!”
With the larger theropods killing the giant snakes and rabbits and trilobites teaming up against a giant tanuki, the major threats were taking care of with not too much property damage. In the city, Summons were taking out enemy ninjas left and right. Kiba, with the Ninja dogs plowed a path through the enemy forces so he and Akamaru could make it to the Ninja Academy where Iruka was holding off attackers almost single-handed. Tenten made her way with four teenage mutant ninja turtles who helped her secure the medical center. Hearing the orange one yell “cowabunga” was a bit annoying, but he got the job done, and he'd promised to teach her how to skateboard, so it made up for any flaws.
Hinata, riding Raptor Red (a particularly smart Utahraptor), was hitting any enemy ninja they came close to. And then Raptor Red would eat them. They made a good team.
In the end, the Sand and Sound armies were decimated. Konoha stood prepared to become the dominant ninja village in the region, especially with the leaders of both enemy villages having suffered some rather permanent injuries.
But two people never got their fight. Atop Konoha's Hospital roof, Sasuke and Naruto glared at each other as their boss summons duked it out in classic style.
“Rabbit Summoning!” declared Bugs Bunny, pointing at Naruto with a carrot.
“Duck Summoning!” countered Daffy Duck, pointing at Sasuke.
“Rabbit Summoning!” argued Bugs Bunny.
“Duck Summoning!” replied Daffy Duck.
“Rabbit Summoning!” commanded Bugs Bunny.
“Duck Summoning!” argued Daffy Duck.
“Rabbit Summoning!” declared Bugs Bunny.
“Duck Summoning!” countered Daffy Duck.
Ton-Ton, Tsunade's pet pig, munched on a leaf while watching this, turned to the readers and said: “Th-th-th-that's all folks!”
A Mass Naruto Crossover with the following, all of which (Naruto included) I do not own:
Loony Tunes (Bugs, Daffy and Tonton's line)
Sluggy Freelance (Bunbun)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Bunny, er, Buffy and Mrs. French)
Sailor Moon (Usagi, AKA Sailor Moon, Usagi means Rabbit)
Neurotically Yours (Foamy the Squirrel and the Kavorkian Scarf Technique)
Animaniacs (Slappy the Squirrel and the Bomb in Pants Technique)
Jurassic Park (Mr. T-Rex and the various hordes of raptors)
Raptor Red (Raptor Red)
Monty Python (Death awaiting with nasty big pointy teeth)
Pokemon (Kabuto the Fossil type)
Usagi Yojimbo (Myamoto Usagi)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Madagasgar 2 (Moto Moto, you say it double)
Folktales (Briar Rabbit and the Tar Baby Clone Technique)
Primeval (Giganotosaurus, which is where she got her taste for people)
---Aaaaaand I think that covers it.
Thanks go to Greywizard for all the help. I almost typed all the kelp, which would have made this a very different fic.