Through a Wormhole Darkly.By Dave Turner.
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Call of Cthulhu or Stargate SG1. I also do not claim ownership or authorship of any canon dialogue or written descriptions that may appear in this work of fiction. I write these stories for fun not profit.
Crossover: Season 8, Stargate SG1 (loosely based on the episode, ‘Zero Hour’) and ‘Call of Cthulhu’.
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar; Written in glorious English-English. American idioms are used wherever possible throughout this fic.
Timeline: Season Eight for Stargate SG1, post Season Seven for BtVS.
Words: Quite a few in five or so chapters, no one reads this so I’m not going to be any more precise than that.
Warnings: LOOK OUT!
Summary: A wormhole blocking the door to Willow’s kitchen? How ever will she make the tea now? Mini-Buffy and Mini-Faith loose at Stargate Command? Egyptian gods and interstellar vampires? No wonder its grim up north.0=0=0=0 The Dark Side of the Moon.
“Are you sure this will work?” Lord Min frowned at his underling as he fidgeted nervously under the glare of his master.
“If I understand the workings of this technology correctly, Lord Min,” Tefen, a very minor Goa'uld in the service of the system lord, glossed over the fact that he really didn’t know what he was doing. “Very soon you will have both the key to defeating your fellow system lords and also a fine new host of extraordinary power.”
“Hmmm,” Min rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger, “I hope so…” the Great God of Sex and Lettuce glared at his minion, “for your sake!”
Tefen cowered away from his master in fear, the consequences of failure did not bear thinking about (Lord Min had been known to do some terrible things…with lettuce).
“This is Ancient technology,” Tefen started to explain, “who knows what the Ancients had in mind when they built it.” Tefen took his courage, what little there was of it and made one last effort at dissuading his master from his course of action. “Indeed, dread Lord, most Ancient technology appears to have been built on a whim and abandoned in much the same way. Might it not be wiser to try to achieve your goals by more conventional means?”
” Min’s voice echoed around the compartment making Tefen’s brain vibrate as it did so.
“As you wish my lord,” Tefen bowed low, casting a fearful eye at Min’s great whip and erect phallus.
The lesser Goa’uld turned to face the machine and checked the targeting scanners. The subject was in clear view (if a little close to that other human) all he had to do was to press the large red button positioned in the centre of the machine’s control panel to set the process in train. Reaching out with a trembling hand, Tefen pressed the button and stood back as he watched in fear; lights flashed and the chamber started to vibrate as a high pitched wailing noise filled his head. It only stopped when Tefen realised it was him making it.0=0=0=0Willow and Kennedy’s apartment, Saltburn-by-the-Sea.
Having spent most of the morning unconscious, Buffy only had a tenuous grasp on what the hell was going on. Looking once more at the portal-thing that Willow had magiced up in the doorway of her kitchen, she had an almost irresistible urge to poke it with the sword in her hand. In fact she had an almost irresistible urge to poke something and if people didn’t start explaining things to her pretty damn quick there’d be some serious poking going on. Turning from the surface of the portal that rippled like water, she looked at Faith who stood beside her leaning on her own sword and smiling in that annoying way people do when they know something and you don’t.
“Faith,” Buffy rested her sword on her shoulder, “what the hell’s going on?”
“Oh, yeah,” Faith grinned at Buffy and appeared about to laugh; seeing the look of thunder on Buffy’s face she had second thoughts. “Yeah, hey you’ve been outta it for most of the time.”
“That’s why I’m asking,” Buffy pointed out pointedly.
“Hey, look,” Faith said defensively, “don’t get all snarky with me, not my fault see?”
“Sorry Faith,” Buffy tried to calm herself down, “but I need to know.”
“You sure?” Faith asked without a hint of malicious humour, “I mean you’re not gonna like most of it.”
“Yes, I’m sure,” Buffy replied through gritted teeth, god she needed a drink.
“Okay, if ya sure ya sure?” Faith shook her head sadly, “Like I say, ya probably not gonna like this, maybe you’d rather stay in blissful ignorance?”
“I want to know,” Buffy bit back on what she wanted to say, “and where did you pick up phrases like ‘blissful ignorance’?”
“Hey, I read stuff y’know?” Faith replied sounding a little hurt, “If ya go on like that I won’t tell ya.”
“I’m sorry Faith,” Buffy changed her tone of voice quickly and almost begged, “please tell me what’s been happening and I think its great that you’ve been trying to improve yourself…not that you weren’t perfect to begin with…”
Buffy stopped digging an enormous hole for herself and shut up; she looked hopefully at Faith.
“Okay then,” Faith took a deep breath, “if ya sure you wanna know?”
“FAITH!” Buffy squeaked as her hands began to shake with ill concealed rage.
“Yeah okay, don’t get ya panties inna bunch.”
“Actually,” Buffy had calmed down almost as quickly as she’d lost ‘it’, “I don’t think I’m wearing panties,” Buffy wriggled about in the jeans she was wearing, which she noticed also weren’t her own. “Why aren’t I wearing panties Faith?”
“Okay,” Faith took a deep breath again, “here goes; you remember the party last night?”
Buffy nodded her head, vague memories of a farewell party for the junior slayers drifted into her mind.
“Yeah well you got drunk,” Faith smirked a little, “then one of the brats put some magical lust dust on Giles that made you wanna jump his bones.”
“What!” Buffy almost shrieked but managed to keep her voice down; she did have a sort of dreamlike recollection of Giles taking her home to her chalet, once she’d got him inside she’d…
“Oh my god!” Buffy covered her mouth with her hand and almost dropped her sword.
“Yeah,” Faith nodded her head and grinned lasciviously, “way to go B; what is it with you and old guys?”
“Quick tell me what happened next?” Buffy demanded breathlessly, she looked across Willow’s living room to where Willow and Giles were in deep conversation about something…probably her.
“Nothing good,” Faith sighed sadly.
Buffy’s heart fell into her boots…which she now noticed she wasn’t wearing; no panties, no boots and someone else’s jeans, this couldn’t be good.
“Nah,” Faith shook her head, “Giles managed to escape and went to Willow who called everyone up for a Scooby meet.”
Thank god for that, Buffy sighed with relief at least she’d not done anything she’d regret. All she needed to do was apologise to Giles and everything would be fine. He’d understand it hadn’t been her fault…but why was she dressed in someone else’s clothes and why was Giles dressed in what looked like bath towels?
“Anyway,” continued Faith, now that she’d started she seemed determined to finish, “when we were all here me and Kennedy noticed something off with Vi. So we jumped her…”
“Vi wasn’t going to try and…you know,” Buffy found she couldn’t say what she thought Violet might try to do to Giles.
“Nah,” Faith ginned, “nothing like that…no she’d been taken over by that Amy Madison witch-bitch.”
“She’d what!?” Buffy glanced over to where Violet sat with Dawn and Kennedy; the younger slayer was sobbing quietly into a tissue as she told her friends about being attacked by zombies or something. Which might explain why she was dressed in camouflaged fatigues, or maybe it wouldn’t, whatever…
“Right so this is where it gets more confusing,” Faith explained.
“More confusing?” Buffy really-really wanted that drink right about now.
“Yeah, I only got to hear about this later,” Faith waited as if expecting Buffy to say something.
“Well,” Faith took another deep breath, “This Amy-Vi woman took off and me an’ Harris took off after her. While we were gone, Dawn tried to seduce Giles…”
“Keep ya panties on,” Faith stopped and laughed, “sorry ya can’t ya not wearing any. Look, Red zapped her before she could do anything, then she zapped Kennedy coz she was acting all screwy…”
“Who, Willow?” Buffy frowned with confusion.
“Nah, Kennie,” Faith continued with her tale of attempted seduction and magical zapping, “see everyone got covered in this lust dust stuff except Red…”
“That was lucky,” Buffy pointed out, suspicions starting to form in her mind.
“So while this was going on, me an’ Harris,” Faith explained, “caught the Amy-Vi chick and brought her back here. I musta got some dust on me coz soon as I got back I started lusting after Giles! So Red zapped me as well.”
Buffy gave Faith a shocked look.
“Yeah I know,” Faith said in a pained voice, “me an’ the old guy? I mean he should be so lucky!”
“Hey,” Buffy felt she had to defend her old watcher, “he’s not that old and he’s quite handsome in a sort of middle aged, fatherly way.”
“Uh-huh,” Faith looked Buffy up and down, “I’m thinking, Harris didn’t get all the dust offa you.”
“Xander?” Buffy asked suspiciously.
“Yeah the only way to get the dust off was to wash it off,” Faith paused in her tale for a moment before continuing. “Y’see, Red couldn’t do it coz she might get infected, Giles wouldn’t do it coz he thought it wouldn’t be, y’know ‘proper’, so that sorta left Harris.”
“You mean…” Buffy turned pale as she realised what had happened and why she wasn’t wearing her own clothes; it also explained why she’d woken up soaking wet in Willow and Kennedy’s bedroom.
In a way the truth was some how comforting.
“I mean,” Faith ploughed on, “it’s no skin off my nose, Harris has seen me naked before…well y’know he’s more than seen me naked,” Faith smiled at the memory and Buffy’s discomfort. “An’ Kennie, she didn’t seem to mind I suppose coz she’s gay or something. Vi wasn’t really there so inna way it didn’t happen to her, that just leaves you an’ Dawnie.”
“Oh,” Buffy felt a little numb, Xander had seen both her and her little sister naked.
“Don’t worry,” Faith added, “Harris wore rubber gloves.” Faith’s words didn’t do anything to ease Buffy’s mind.
“Hey!” Buffy pulled herself together, “Look Xander’s a good guy, I’m sure he didn’t do anything he shouldn’t…rubber gloves not withstanding.”
“Yeah?” Faith agreed, “You believe that if ya wanna, sister, but I know guys.”
“So-so,” Buffy thought it was time to get off the subject of what Xander might have done…in the shower…with her and Dawn. “So what’s with the portal thing?”
“Coming to that,” Faith scratched her head as she collected her thoughts. “Red magiced it up to get the real Vi back. It musta worked coz Vi sounds like she’s back to normal, but it was real weird.”
“How so?” Buffy felt she was on safer ground talking about ‘normal’ weird stuff.
“Like, Vi went into the portal thing,” Faith explained the best she could, “an’ came right out again but heading in this direction…like…well it was weird.”
“Oh,” Buffy didn’t know what to say, so she went back to looking at the portal thing, “why’s it still here?”
“Red doesn’t know,” Faith joined Buffy in studying the portal and its water-like surface, “she’s tried to disperse it or whatever, but it just sorta stands there. I think she’s hoping it’ll go away by itself. I mean it better coz I could eat something right about now and all the food’s in the kitchen.”
Buffy stepped closer to the portal’s surface to see if she could catch a glimpse of what was on the other side.
“Don’t stand too close,” Giles called from the other side of the room.
For a moment, Buffy felt like she was a little girl again and her father was telling her not to get too close to the edge of the pool or something. As these thoughts went through her mind she felt invisible fingers catch hold of her and pull her into the portal. Crying out in surprise her free hand grasped for Faith who grabbed hold of her to try and prevent her being sucked into the portal.
Feeling like she was being stretched between two points separated by an impossibly long distance Buffy fell with Faith not far behind her. Lights flashed by her head as if she was on some interstellar rollercoaster. Finally a bright light appeared in front of her and got closer and closer until…0=0=0=0