I am not J.K. Rowling, or any of these singers or companies.
Harry had come home from Hogwarts and was feeling especially bored when he heard an odd noise coming from the next room.
He peered through the door of Dudley’s room.
Dudley was jumping on his bed wearing a weird sort of tunic Harry did not recognise from all his laundry he had done for over eleven years.
A CD was on and blaring loud music filled the room. Dudley was puffing, his face turning red. Suddenly he began to join in.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind wanting to start again.”
Harry started to laugh silently.
“Do you ever feel already buried deep?”
Harry was snorting with laughter.
“You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine! Just own the night like the Fourth of July! Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show us what you’re worth!”
(At this point Dudley ripped off the tunic and revealed a sparkly purple tuxedo like a certain girl toy I know.)
“Baby you’re a firework! Come on let your colors burst!”
Dudley was puffing, sweat dripping down his face.
“You don’t have to feel like a waste of space!”
Harry was rolling on the carpet by the door; he was about to crack a rib.
“Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show us what you’re worth!”
“Boom, boom, boom! Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. It’s always been inside of you, you, you! And now it’s time to let it through, through, through!”
Harry sighed, wishing he had a camera.
“Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!!”
The song ended.
Dudley sat on his large bottom on the bed and changed the track, then began to sing again.
“You think I’m pretty without any makeup on, you think I’m funny, when I get the punch line wrong! You know you get me, so I let my walls fall down. Down! Let’s go all the way tonight! No regrets! Just love! We can dance until we die! You and I will be young forever!”
Dudley sat down, shook his head and changed the CD to another disc.
“I come home in the morning light! My mother says “When you gonna live your life right?” Oh mother dear we’re not the fortunate ones! And girls, they wanna have fun! Oh girls just wanna have fun!”
Harry roared with laughter behind the door.
“That’s all they really want! Some fun!”
This was too much. Casually Harry walked in. Dudley creatively pulled the plug on the radio and hid it behind his toothbrush (which was really low on brains, even for Dudley).
“Say, Dudley, I wanted to know something,” said Harry.
“What?” grunted Dudley.
“Do you ever happen to feel like a plastic bag, now and then?”
His face turned red.
Harry left, but stayed behind the door.
Dudley took out a fluffy unicorn and a big teddy bear.
“Time for tea, Mr. Snugglewumpkins and Miss Rainbowshine!” sang Dudley happily.
He got out a tea set and a pink teapot.
“How much sugar, Mr. Snugglewumpkins?”
He spooned sugar into a purple teapot with a tiny princess on it.
“Time for karaoke!”
He turned on the CD player again.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhh! You know you love me! You know you care! Just shout whenever and I’ll be there! You want my love! You want my heart! And we will never, ever, ever be apart!” he sang in a falsetto.
Harry doubled over.
“And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh! Like baby, baby, baby-”
Harry stepped in again.
“I’m not sure Mr. Snugglewumpkins likes that song. Or how about Miss Rainbowshine? I think she’d like to sing.”
Dudley raised a fist. Harry picked up Mr. Snugglewumpkins and picked up a pair of scissors of a shelf.
“NOOOOOOO!” shrieked Dudley.
“If I drop the bear, don’t punch me,” said Harry.
Dudley nodded tearfully. “But don’t breathe a word,” he said.
“Only if you let me read your blog.”
Dudley nodded slowly, and waddled to the computer slowly.
Harry logged onto Dudley account.
QTPIE227: Today I ate out at Hamburger Joe’s. My daddy bought me three Double Whopper Burger Bites! I was still hungry afterward, but luckily I had extra money so afterward we went to an ice cream place. It was yummy! I got a banana split shake with chocolate chips, waffle bites, cookie dough, peanuts, and rainbow sprinkles! I had a good day!
VOLDYMOLDY836: QTPIE227, where do you live?
QTPIE227: Number 4, Privet drive.
VOLDYMOLDY836: If you have a brother, tell him to eat the package of chocolates I send you next week! I will then be able to rule the world! With Hello Kitty!
QTPIE227: I LOVE HELLO KITTY!
BELLAGURL349: Tell ur brother he’s dumb.
QTPIE227: I already have!
PUREBLOODLUVER33: DON’T U JUST LUV KATY PERRY!
QTPIE227: OMG IKR! I LUV THE SONG FIREWORK!
VOLDYMOLDY836: I WANNA MEET U!
QTPIE227: How about on June 17?
QTPIE227: SEE YA THEN! HELLO KITTY ROCKS!
VOLDYMOLDY836: I’LL BRING MY HELLO KITTY EXCLUSIVE PLAYSET! gtg
Harry closed out of the blog. He ate those chocolates last week! Maybe he no longer had the Trace! Or maybe he was going to die
“Dudley, you are so stupid!” he yelled. “VoldyMoldy836 is obviously Lord Voldemort!”
“Oops,” said Dudley. “Who’s that?”
“Only the evil wizard who murdered my parents with a flick of his wand!”
“Cool,” said Dudley.
“NOT COOL!” screamed Harry. “He’s going to murder us!”
At that moment the doorbell rang. Dudley ran to answer it.
“Hi, I’m Lord Voldemort,” said a voice.
Dudley screamed. Harry came running.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Dudley could hardly contain his glee. “He has the Hello Kitty Double Play Set 3000! With free plastic flowers and strawberry cupcakes!”
Lord Voldemort walked into the house casually.
“Hi Harry!” he said and flicked his wand.
Harry passed out.
“Let’s be best buddies forever and ever!” said Dudley.
They shook hands and went upstairs to have tons of fun.