Chapter 4 - Home Again, Home Again
Spliced! Chapter 4
“Is the food good here?” Xander asked as Jon lead him through the rows of kneeling Jaffa.
“Not as good as a home cooked meal, but a whole hell of a lot better than anything you'll find in a high school cafeteria,” Jon promised earnestly.
“Do I need to tell you two how insane that was?” Jack asked while order was restored to the base and the Jaffa were pried out of their armor.
“It worked,” Xander replied bluntly.
“That doesn't make it less insane, that just means it wasn't a stupid idea.”
“I do insane well,” Xander said shooting a big grin over at Jack.
“I can't argue with that,” Jack admitted, “now if you'll excuse me I need to yell at my clone.”
Jack and Jon moved a little down the hall and though the two kept their voices down there was much gesturing.
“AlexanderHarris,” Teal'c said.
“Hey big guy, sorry about the arm; I'm still adjusting to my new strength,” Xander apologized.
Teal'c's arm was in a thin white ceramic cast, “A minor injury, it will heal in a matter of days; I wish to speak to you about this splicing you have mentioned.”
“I had some cards on me with contact information but Loki beamed me out of my pants,” Xander said as he patted himself down before finding a notepad and pen. “Fortunately I remember the name of the website.”
Teal'c accepted the piece of paper, “Thank you AlexanderHarris, this shall be of great help in our war against the false gods.”
“Glad to be of service,” Xander replied, “the process is expensive but worth it. Unfortunately you have to go to Sunnydale to get it done.”
Teal'c raised an eyebrow, “Sunnydale?”
“Yeah, it's my home town. It looks like the perfect little town but make sure you're behind a locked door until the sun rises; don't ask why it's just safer that way.”
“Racists?” Jack asked, only having caught the last bit as he returned with Jon.
“No,” Xander replied, choosing not to elaborate, “and now in a total change of subject! Did you know I have ears like a bat?”
“Oh,” Jack intoned with a wince.
“Yep, I heard every word you said,” Xander said smugly, “and you do realize if he really is a clone of you with all your memories that you would have done the exact same thing in his shoes?”
Jack winced again as Jon began to grin.
“And of course that means you would have yelled at yourself in his situation,” Xander pointed out to Jon who groaned.
“And on that uncomfortable note, why don't you two go eat while I clean this up...” Jack suggested.
Xander's stomach growled loudly enough to startle a passing airman, “And I third it, let's go!”
“Okay, try and convince me,” Xander said after his fourth helping as they sat in the base's mess hall.
Jon sighed, “Despite Jack's good intentions I don't think I can. You heard everything we said in the hall so I'm sure you've got your counter arguments ready anyway.”
“Yep,” Xander agreed, “I know me and I know my friends; even if just for the sake of argument I turned out to be a clone, Xander and the Scoobs would still accept me.”
“How can you be so sure?” Jon asked.
“Because I have all of Xander's memories and trust me when I say extra Xanders will be welcomed with open arms.”
“I didn't get that warm a welcome,” Jon said a bit bitterly, causing the approaching SG1 to exchange uneasy glances.
Xander waved it off, “Your friends are middle aged and consider anyone younger than them to be inexperienced children, while mine are mostly my age and the few older ones have been thoroughly disabused of the notion that age is a perfect indication of wisdom.”
“Not to mention the doctors arbitrarily decided what my physical age was,” Jon said perking up a bit, “after all I've seen people in their early twenties who could pass for teens, that's why they card people in bars.”
“All age brings is gray hair and wrinkles,” Xander chimed in, “experience brings wisdom.”
“And I have all the experience of Jack O'neill in a much more physically capable body,” Jon said sitting up straighter.
“If you ever visit Sunnydale, I'll introduce you to a two hundred plus year old dumb ass to prove it to you.”
“Would not over two centuries of experience bring wisdom?” Teal'c asked curiously, causing Jon to jump a little as he hadn't realized SG1 was there.
“For the first half he was a demented psychopath and you don't learn anything doing the same thing over and over, and for the second half he pretty much sat around moping.”
“Nobody lives that long unless they've got access to a good sarcophagus,” Jack said shaking his head.
“See what I mean?” Xander asked Jon, “his only experience is with extra terrestrials, so everything is aliens to him – does that sound like wisdom?”
“Not really no,” Jon replied just before the entire group of them vanished in a burst of light.
“And once again with the Roswell twins,” Xander said, looking around at the featureless white room. “At least we didn't wind up naked this time …. damn it!” he finished under his breath.
“Did you just look at Sam and curse her lack of nudity?” Jon asked, having been close enough to hear.
“Intelligent, mature, beautiful, blonde,” Xander said, counting the trait's off on his fingers as he named them, “the only way she could be any sexier would be if she were standing on linoleum holding boxes of twinkies.”
“You've got a point … linoleum?” Jon asked while Sam blushed.
“An incident involving cooking oil and an older girl who was watching me, and that's all you'll get from me.” Xander said while purring audibly.
“Yeah, that'd do it,” Jack said.
“You're purring,” Jon said out of the corner of his mouth.
“it's a very happy memory,” Xander said thoroughly unrepentantly.
“Indeed,” Teal'c said agreeably but with a wistful look in his eyes, “I remember a similar incident myself when I was younger. My wife's mother was applying perfume and accidentally got some in my eyes. It … was an eye opening experience for a boy on the cusp of manhood and feeling around blindly.”
“Ah....” Jack said, “so the smell of perfume brings you back to that moment.”
“No, the young girl who would later become my wife helped to wash the perfume from my eyes,” Teal'c denied, “and she had silver bangles on that made a gentle chiming sound.”
“Aww...” Sam said, touched by the romantic moment Teal'c was describing.
“Yes,” Teal'c said proudly, “after she had washed my eyes and made sure I was well she began banging my head against a boulder, while soundly informing me that the only female I was allowed to touch there was her and only after we had been wed. Those bangles made the gentlest tinkling sound as she did so.”
“Childhood sweetheart?” Jon asked.
“No, she was several years younger and quite an annoyance to me,” Teal'c denied, “however she managed to enforce her will, not only upon me but upon every girl interested in me, which was many. Her tenacity and tactics were impressive and she grew into quite the beauty.”
“Rack like her mother?” Xander asked.
Teal'c replied, “Indeed.”
Sam groaned and turned to Jack, “You're unusually quiet,” she said suspiciously.
“I have nothing to add,” Jack replied.
“What about...” Jon began before Jack slapped a hand over his mouth.
“We have no opinions on this topic,” Jack said firmly.
“What he said,” Jon agreed after removing Jack's hand.
“So, why are we here?” Xander asked.
“Thor volunteered to adopt you,” Jack said, “that way you'll be considered untouchable by the US government.”
“Xander Thorsson,” Xander said thoughtfully, remembering Norse naming practices while trying to wrap his mind around the idea. “Beats the hell out of Harris.”
Thor stepped forward, “I have questioned Loki at length; he maintains he did nothing to Xander and he in fact chose him because of his unusual appearance.”
“He's got to be lying,” Jack said, shaking his head.
“The data recorders on his vessel bear him out.”
SG1 looked over at Xander who grinned smugly back at them.
“But we aren't advanced enough to pull off something like this!” Jack complained.
“Still want to adopt me?” Xander asked, ignoring Jack's bellyaching.
Thor nodded, “Even if you are not a clone created by Loki it should still provide some protection from those who would seek to use you.”
“Thanks,” Xander replied, feeling strangely touched.
A pedestal rose from the floor, topped with a silver half sphere.
“Place your hand upon the interlocutor and I'll begin the adoption process,” Thor offered.
Xander placed his hand as directed, “Feels warm.”
“it's recording your DNA signature and registering it in all the ship's systems as my son as well as implanting the control unit for Mjolnir. You may remove your hand now.”
Xander looked at the palm of his right hand and saw a small silver rune.
“You're handing over the keys of a star ship to a teenager?!” Jack asked anxiously.
“I do not believe he is ready for that level of responsibility,” Thor denied, “no, I am giving him my hammer which I named after my ship.”
“Hammer?” Xander asked curiously.
“A force construct device,” Thor explained, “simply curl your hand as if you were holding my hammer and will it to appear.”
Xander curled his fingers and pictured the hammer from the comics, almost dropping it when it appeared in his hand, “I thought it'd be heavier,” Xander intoned wondrously as he cradled the hammer as if it was his own child.
“It is composed of energy shaped by your will,” Thor explained, “for instance when I used it to make a hammer it was much smaller and possessed a spike on one end.”
“I like the Marvel comics version,” Xander said as he hefted the hammer, a picture perfect replica from the comics.
“Energy constructs have very little weight and several interesting characteristics which I believe you'll discover on your own.”
Before anything more could be said the walls started flashing red.
“Loki has escaped containment,” Thor announced.
Jon quickly grabbed Xander, guessing what Loki would do next and was proven correct as they both vanished in a burst of light.
“Oh sure, now we end up naked.” Xander drawled as he looked around yet another featureless white room.
“A flaw in my teleportation system,” Loki explained, “considering the nature of my work I had to improvise quite a bit and clothes have never been a priority for my people.”
“What have you done now Loki?” Jon demanded.
“Thor's scanning of my ship's memory archive triggered one of my contingency plans, which should keep him occupied for a number of hours while I escape.”
“I think he means why have you beamed us here?” Xander explained.
“I only meant to retrieve Alexander Harris, your presence here is a surprise” Loki explained, “though a welcome one.”
“Why don't I like the sound of that?” Jon asked rhetorically.
Loki ignored Jon, “Alexander Harris are you still willing to help me save my people?”
“it's Xander Thorsson now, but sure” Xander said agreeably.
“Excellent, your cells contain regenerative properties that should hold the key to my races rejuvenation but the sample you gave me was too small to isolate it.”
“It would probably be better to get a sample straight from the source,” Xander replied thoughtfully. “I had regenerative properties spliced into my DNA from another species.”
“I was unaware human technology had progressed so far,” Loki said thoughtfully while looking at Xander curiously.
“Human technology in general hasn't,” Xander denied, “but in specific areas it has; what exactly is your people's problem?”
“Replication error,” Jon answered, “they tried for immortality jumping from body to body and errors crept in. They used to be a lot like us but now ...”
“Do you have a sample of your original DNA or do you just want to regain lost abilities?” Xander asked.
“I wish to provide my people with the ability to reproduce once more,” Loki explained, “so even if we pass on our children will continue. Revitalizing my current body so I do not expire would also be quite welcome.”
Xander nodded, “Grab some gold and raw gems from the asteroid belt or what have you; I don't think they'll share the tech but as long as you can pay they'll have no problem fixing what's wrong with you.”
“I believe that should undo what Loki did to my ship,” Thor said.
“it's been hours; he could be anywhere!” Jack complained.
A dark haired man appeared in a flash of light.
“Friend of yours?” Jack asked.
“I do not … Loki?” Thor asked, his face somehow betraying his shock.
“It is I,” Loki replied smugly.
“Where are Jon and Xander?” Jack demanded.
“Xander was returned to the exact spot I took him from at his own request and Jon decided to return with him.” Loki replied easily.
“Where are your pants?” Daniel asked.
“You really should get that fixed,” Thor suggested.
Loki shrugged, “A minor glitch, it is of no importance.”
“Sam!” Jack hissed and she blushed and looked away realizing she'd been staring; Loki looked like some sort of anime character with abnormally large dark eyes and a muscular physique.
Xander knocked on the door while Jon looked around to make sure there were no witnesses.
“Yes, can I … Xander!” Giles exclaimed as the two pushed their way inside.
“I've been teleported all over the place and had my DNA altered!” Xander said quickly. “We need to borrow some clothes before someone sees us running around naked! Thankfully it's after midnight.”
“Too late!” Chimed Buffy's voice cheerfully from behind them.
Spinning around Jon and Xander were treated to the sight of an amused Buffy and a furiously blushing Willow.
“Okay, Xander's no longer lost,” Buffy said absently as she looked at the door to Giles' bedroom.
“I'll take Xander's clothes to him,” Giles said, picking up the pile of clothes from the coffee table.