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This story is No. 2 in the series "A Tall Ship". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: After marriage comes the honeymoon. Two newlyweds have to balance it all with slayage

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Pirates of the Caribbean
Literature > Horror > Author: H.P. Lovecraft
SamarkandFR1321,0161104,9741 May 111 May 11Yes

Chapter One

Buffy and Co. the intellectual property of Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. Any resemblance to "Pirates of the Caribbean" is in the spirit of parody, and characters and concepts satirized are the property of their creators


"Good?" Buffy asked. She stood atop the mountain of demon corpses, dressed in a loose blouse and breeches.

"Wave the cutlass more," Xander said. Right, framed properly and CLICK!

"Can I see?" She paused to skewer a writhing demon through its skull. "Stupid zombie demon pirates. Stay dead!"

"There." Xander showed her the picture in the camera viewscreen. He touched her belly. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"All buns safe in the oven." Buffy beamed. She waved at the retreating cluster of pinnaces and small boats containing the rescued cruise ship passengers. "Dr. Moffat was an ob/gyn. He says the twins are fine."

"That's--" Xander gulped. "Twins."

"Yuhuh, Mr Oh Sperm Is Mighty." Buffy picked up the two chests taken from the pirate captain's cabin. "We done here?"

"Almost, Lemme get this ready." Xander tipped over several barrels of rum, tar, and lamp oil all over the deck. He checked down an open hatch cover at several barrels of gunpowder. "I think we're ready to go."

They clambered down a net into the Heart of Gold. Xander motored away from the former Royal Navy jack-ass frigate turned demon pirate lair.

"That is the last time," Buffy said, tossing the worn compass over the side, "that we go shopping at antique stores that mysteriously disappear after we step out of them."

"C'mon, it was fun," Xander said. "Okay, me ending up in a dress and a hat of fruit trying to avoid sexing by lusty demons isn't the favorite--"

"How did you do it?" Buffy asked.

"Medley of Star Wars scenes."

"Even the bit with the Ewoks?"

"I admit, that was a challenge," Xander said. "But otherwise it was fun. You were getting bored without the Slay, I can tell."

"Well, it's nice to exercise a bit," Buffy said.

"You got to shoot a demon pirate in the face with a cannon," Xander pointed out. "Just like old times, huh?"

"Well, a girl does like to use heavy shoulder fired artillery every so often," Buffy admitted. "But when he was going all 'you're my queen' at dinner? Grubs. Big, ugly grubs in a soup tureen. Even pregnant Buffster cravings don't go that far."

"Don't worry, pickles and Twinkies tonight for my honey." Xander peered at the chests. "Think we got the booty? And by that I hope you understand not my highly regarded ass."

"Probably his laundry. Law of comedy." Buffy snapped the thick brass padlock. She gaped at the gleaming pile within. "Or, maybe, shiny shiny things!"

"Buff, I think we just solved our funding problem," Xander said, trickling gold coins through his fingers.

"AWWRK!" A skeletal parrot landed on the gaff. "Pieces o' eight!"

"Can we keep it?" Xander pleaded.

"Okay, but you're wiring it together, not me." Buffy licked her lips. "Um, technically, as head of the Order of the Scythe, I can say this is personal gains--"

"Bad Slayer." Xander shook his finger.

"Awww, okay." Buffy rolled her eyes. "Giles will just put most of it in a museum."

Xander aimed the flare pistol. The bright red streak arced out to the demon pirate ship a safe distance away.

The deck blazed for several minutes until the fire reached the gunpowder.

"Know what?" Xander said, watching the frigate explode. "Best. Honeymoon. Ever."

"Isn't it tres romantique?" Buffy laid her head against his shoulder while jetsam burned on the waters. Her hand flicked out to nab something from the treasure chest. "Oooo, dibs! Tiara!"
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