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Torment

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Summary: Willow faces Xander - the flipside of "Makeshift Hero"

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > GeneralWildecateFR1335,152024,05919 Dec 037 Nov 06Yes

Torment

Torment


Song by Evanescence.


Disclaimer: We all know the words - not mine not non of it.




So here I am. In a place I've been before. I've stood at the top of Kingman's Bluff and looked out of the entirety of the little town where I lived my little life. Little Willow, Old Reliable, Homework Gal. Sidekick. Mousy little Rosenberg with her boring hair and her boring clothes. How Tara saw anything in her is beyond me - I could never comprehend what it was she loved about her. Whatever it was it completed her, it made her whole, it made her able to get up each morning, knowing she was loved. The sweet smile on her face greeting her as she opened her eyes every morning. Gone forever.


And now here we are. I'm drawn inexorably to this place. I cannot bear the pain and anger that overwhelms my mind and soul - its gutwrenching. I thought I was in pain but this is everything, everyone, every tormented soul crying out to me for respite. And I know what I must do. There's a small part of me that isn't so sure now, that desperately wants me to stop but I can't. There's no one left to stop me now but part of me, the part of me that remembers Little Willow, wishes that there was.


The power flows through me so easily now - the magic I took from Giles was incredible and its taken hold of me completely. Its as if I know, I've always known what to do, what to say.


From the pit of forgotten shadows... Awaken, sister of the dark, awaken


I can feel the darkness from the temple already reaching out to me, sending out tendrils into this realm, and down into the tortured town below me. I revel in the power, unable to keep the laughter down. Little me, Little Willow in complete control of all of this.


Ha, Buffy Summers, not so much the little sidekick anymore am I? I managed to kick your ass. It took your Watcher to save your life. Good old Giles. Always there in the nick of time. I can feel her, she's fighting hard, trying to protect Dawn. If she gets free, she'll head straight here and that would be ….awkward. Let's see if I can't distract her for a little.


I speak so I know she can hear me - always the Slayer, right to the last.


She looks up from her frantic climbing and says my name uncertainly, unsure that she can really hear me. You would have thought by now that someone with her kind of intelligence would have known it was me.


And it is the last, you know? For all your fighting ... thinking you're saving the world... And in the end ... I'm the only one that can save it.


By killing us? Typical. Buffy still doesn't understand - could never understand this. She's always been such a little power freak, she's jealous of anyone with more power than her - I think that's perhaps why Faith scared her so much. Because she rivalled her in power.


I have to do this. It's the only way to stop the pain. I can't take it anymore. But I know you, Buffy. You're a warrior. You won't go out without a fight. I don't really have time for one. But you should go out fighting.


Willow, what are you- she sounds scared suddenly and she has good cause to be.


It was me that took you out of the Earth. Well, now... the Earth wants you back.


It doesn't take much to waken the monsters, to remind them of what they once were and they attack blindly, senselessly. Buffy and Dawn are now taken care of and though I know they're in pain and I can hear them calling out, their screams merge in with the one million other screams I can hear.


Proserpexa ... let the cleansing fires from the depths burn away the suffering souls and bring sweet death.


The lightning crackles between me and the statue of Proserpexa, my saviour. I can feel the magic building within me in a way it has never done before. The ground shakes as I draw more and more from the earth and the wind whirls around me, tossing my black hair in all directions.


And here we go.


The magic starts its circular motion, from the Earth through me and to Proserpexa. As each bolt hits the statue I can feel the magic slipping slightly from my control but, no matter, I have opened the conduit and now there is no going back.


The backlash of magic knocks me back slightly as it stops being absorbed by Proserpexa. There's something, no, someone in the way. I refocus my eyes on the figure through the clearing smoke.


"Hey, black-eyed girl. Whatcha doin'?"


"Get out of here." I snarl. I don't want HIM here.


"Ah, no. You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped-up uber-witch, but ... this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century."


Typical Xander. I can tell he's not sure what to do, that he's scared. He's scared of me. No, says the tiny part of me that still remembers him stealing my barbie doll, he's scared for me.


"I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now."


My hand jerks up and the magic streaks out, sending him crashing back against the temple. I know that I've broken at least two of his ribs but somehow I can't seem to care. He lies there, coughing, trying to catch his breath.


I regain my concentration, the magical cycle beginning again and I can feel the power growing within me, building within me. Its exciting and arousing and beautiful.


And again, Xander stands and deflects the magic. He is stupid. He must be to get in the way of this, of me.


"You can't stop this."


"Yeah, I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end ... where else would I want to be?"


"Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?"


Great, years and years of fighting together - we have the Slayer, a Watcher, a mystical ball of energy masquerading as a teenager and a demon. And this is the best they can do? Xander, the Zeppo, telling me he loves me? Damn, I didn't realise things had got so bad that they had to rely on him. And loving me? This might have worked back in High School, when he was all I ever wanted but now there's a bright new death waiting for me.


"Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but ... it seemed kinda cartoony."


"Still making jokes." Typical. I'm about to end the entire damn world and he STILL can't take me seriously. You'd think he'd know better. I can kill him without even touching him.


"I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, and hey. I still want to hang. You're Willow."


"Don't call me that." I yell. I don't want to be reminded of Willow. She died along with Tara. She doesn't exist now, only the magic exists.




How can you see into my eyes like open doors


Leading you down into my core


Where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold


Until you find it there and lead it back home




"First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that."


God, I remember that day. He caught me stuffing the bits of crayon down my sock because I was too scared to tell anyone. He looked at me, my tears in complete confusion before taking the pieces from me and handing me the blue crayon instead. I think I fell in love with him that day.


"You think I won't?" I shout out, trying to regain control of the situation. I have things to do, demons to raise, worlds to end.


"It doesn't matter. I'll still love you."


I glare at him, fuelling the look with all the hatred I can muster. I've never looked at him this way. OK, maybe once when I found out about him and Cordelia but that was not anger. That was hurt. There's a fine line - its just that I'm not entirely sure which side of it I'm on anymore.




Wake me up inside


Wake me up inside


Call my name and save me from the dark


Bid my blood to run


Before I come undone


Save me from the nothing I've become




"Shut up" I shout again, gesturing with my hand. Xander's head snaps to one side as if I've punched him with claws, the blood begins to drip from scratches on his cheek. I glance down at my hand, half expecting to see Wolverine style claws but there's nothing. He touches his cheek incredulously and then looks at the blood on his fingers and then at me.


Oh Goddess, where did that come from?


"I love you." He says again. I can't bear to hear this. I don't want to know that I'm loved by anyone else because the only other person who matters isn't here to love me. She made my life worthwhile. She made me feel precious and loved and wanted and no one could ever make me feel that way again.


I slash at him again and he falls to his knees. I can see the pain in his eyes but he stands again, determined to do this. I want to put my hands over my ears, I don't want to hear this from him - especially him. The slash marks have gone through his shirt to his chest, over his heart.


Was that me that did that? Oh Goddess what am I doing? Someone stop me, please, oh please.




Now that I know what I'm without


You can't just leave me


Breathe into me and make me real


Bring me to life


Wake me up inside


Wake me up inside


Call my name and save me from the dark


Bid my blood to run


Before I come undone


Save me from the nothing I've become




He says it again and I retaliate, trying to blast him with the magic but there's no power there now. I've lost my connection to the Earth, the moment has passed and now I'm left here, alone, on the top of this hill with my best friend. Left to face what I have become - the enemy.


He keeps repeating those words again and again until they ring in my head. The magic has betrayed me, brought me to this and then deserted me as it comes face to face with something far more powerful. Love.


He moves closer to me but I can still hurt him, lashing out with my fists which seem so puny against his bleeding chest. I beat him again and again and he just stands there and takes the force of my anger - like a small girl having a tantrum, not being able to get her way and not being able to magic a way to get Tara back. I have forgotten everything that Giles and Tara taught me. Turned my back on all the tenets of Wiccan lore to get what I wanted, my love, my other half back alive and breathing by my side.




Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling


Only you are the life among the dead


All this time I can't believe I couldn't see


Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me


I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems


Got to open my eyes to everything


Without a thought without a voice without a soul


Don't let me die here


There must be something more


Bring me to life


I would not accept Buffy's death and I could not accept Tara's.


This realisation knocks me to my knees and Xander falls with me, his strong arms around me, holding me to him. I can hear his heart beating loudly in his chest.


And I cry.




Wake me up inside


Wake me up inside


Call my name and save me from the dark


Bid my blood to run


Before I come undone


Save me from the nothing I've become
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