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The Mystery of Andrew's Kitchen

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Summary: Severus Snape notices that every time one of the Council members is upset they go to the kitchen. What exactly is Andrew hiding in there?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > GenerallothlorienFR71722182,24812 Jun 1112 Jun 11Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. That is to say nothing you recognize. I own the idea. And the computer I typed this on. And the bed I lay on while typing it. Actually, I own quite a lot. Just none of the characters.

Summary: Severus Snape notices that every time one of the Council members is upset they go to the kitchen. What exactly is Andrew hiding in there?

Severus Snape was not amused. He was developing a new potion and needed a regular supply of vampire dust. Dumbledore, the meddling old coot, decided this would be the perfect opportunity to gain connections with the International Watcher’s Council – something no one in the wizardring world has managed to achieve so far. It didn’t even occur to Albus that Snape might not be the best candidate to negotiate with several stubborn young girls, a one-eyed carpenter and an old Watcher with a shady past. Unfortunately, it seemed that for the first time ever, Dumbledore’s omniscience failed him.

The negotiations were going very badly. In fact, very didn’t cover it adequately. Severus spent some time thinking of other intensifiers. Terribly was a good one. He was also fond of extremely. However you want to put it, the fact remained that things were not working out in Snape’s favour. The vampire dust was not a problem, though he did have to spend a good half hour explaining what he needed it for to Giles. After he offered to trade the dust for healing potions vial for vial, the Slayers were more than happy to add empty vials to their mandatory slaying equipment. He got dozens of vials the very first night. He happily charged all the potion ingredients to Albus’ account.

The other negotiations were less simple. First he had to wait three days for all the Council board members to gather in London. Then came the fun part – two weeks of trying to decide who to name the Council representative for magical Europe and arguing whether they should get involved at all. Just when Severus thought things might finally work out, one of the board members would snap, throw a tantrum and retreat to the kitchen only to later return calm, but with suspiciously red drops on their hands, face and clothing. At first Snape thought it was a coincidence, but the pattern kept repeating itself until the mystery became too much. What did they have hidden in that kitchen?

He decided to use his spying experience to do some reconnaissance. He had recently acquired some of those extendable ears that the Weasley brats invented some years ago. Using them to listen at the kitchen door was informative, but also quite confusing. All he could hear was silent venting, muttered curses and a strange sound: kathunk-plop, kathunk-plop, kathunk-plop. When subtlety failed, he decided to try the direct approach and simply entered the kitchen when one of the slayers was in there obviously doing whatever it was that relaxed these people so much.

The scene that awaited him was not what he was expecting. The girl was muttering something very unflattering about her fellow slayers while frantically hitting some strange machine filled with… cherries?

“What in Merlin’s name is going on here?” he asked in his best Impatient Teacher Voice™.

The girl jumped slightly – she obviously hadn’t noticed him coming in. “Oh, um, nothing. I’m just working some things out.”

“Working things out by hitting some machine filled with cherries?” Snape’s voice was at its most sarcastic, however the girl didn’t seem to be affected by it.

“Yup. Andrew has a new cherry pitter and a bunch of cherries. It’s really therapeutic. You should try it out.”


Severus Snape returned from the negotiations different. He was more relaxed, less likely to punish students without a reason and some even claimed to have seen him smiling. None of this, however, made him any less sinister. He would retreat to his room for a few minutes and come out almost smiling. Sometimes he had little drops that looked suspiciously blood-like covering his hands.

Eventually Dumbledore got enough complaints from frightened parents to have a little chat with Snape.

“What exactly happened at the negotiations, Severus?”

Albus was shocked when the Potions master smiled in response.

“Nothing special, Albus. I just worked some things out.”

A/N: So, what did you think? I had to de-stone a lot of cherries for my mum today and it’s really quite therapeutic. You can work out all of your frustrations on the cherry pitter. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, a cherry pitter is this: Anyway, leave a review and thank you for reading.

The End

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