Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Who R U?

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

This story is No. 1 in the series "A Cornucopia of Conquests". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: A BTVS/11th Dr WHO crossover.Set after 'A Good Man goes to War' episode of Dr Who and it is another YAHF.Branches off minutes after both episodes.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Dr. Who/Torchwood > Xander-CenteredxanfuFR18312,0762309,64616 Jun 111 Jul 11No

Chapter One

A Cornucopia of Conquests.
A BTVS/11th Doctor Who xover.
As he observed Alexander Lavelle Harris is cursed. Deviates from the Halloween episode and Doctor Who 'A good man goes to war'.
I own nothing, but a screwdriver, it’s not sonic...heck it's not even a screwdriver.

Saturday November 1

Both Buffy and Willow were at the Library, as per Gile's request from the night before, kicking back drinking diet Pepsi’s.
Giles had brought when Xander staggered in. Willow was the first to notice how he looked but was ignored as the boy stumbled towards the small office that Giles often used as a retreat from 'Teenage overload' as he had been heard to describe the trio's banter.

Xander came out shortly after going in. "Uhh where's Giles?"

Willow put the now empty can down and shrugged. "He met us earlier..." Buffy glared at him and interrupted Willow. "Yeah WE were all here at 9 just like he asked where as some people just stroll in at." She checks her watch."10:26."

Willow looked from frowning at Buffy then back to Xander." You look like heck, bad night?"

Xander grimaced and pointed to the speaker. "What's with all the damn drumming?" He saw the duo shrug. "You can hear it right?"

Giles entered and remarked. "Maybe it's the drumming of your guilty heart you can hear Xander?" He checked his watch and held the boy with a look." Others who were out a damn sight later than you managed to get here on time."

Xander looked back at his mentor and asked. "Were the others living next door to a Peter Criss wannabe?" He all but fell into a vacant chair. "All damned night." He looked at the trio." And the same damned if they knew it was driving me mad!"

Giles was suddenly worried. "Can you still hear it…this drumming?"

Xander nodded." Not as loud as before, I might just have it embedded in my mind from hearing it all fricken night."

The Watcher nods. "Yes that might just be the case; I boarded with a fellow student that was into Gene Krupa and Lord above did he bang on!" He smiled as he remembered how they 'cured' the sod of it." That was until we..." He saw the three looking up at him and remembered even though they battled demons there were certain things best left unsaid. "..made him stop."

Xander rubs his temples. "Good you can come 'round to my place and hex the crap outa whoever's doing it to me then."

Giles sits down and takes out his notebook and pen. "Right then now that's settled we can get back to why we're here.” He looked at Xander." Both Buffy and Willow have said that, apart from a few small after effects of last night, they have nothing left of their experiences."

"If you think intimate knowledge of needlework, a working knowledge of French for me and the worry of passing through walls for Wills is 'small' then yeah no biggie. "Buffy grouched.

"Well at least you'll pass French this term." Willow told her with a worried look. "I keep thinking I'm going to stumble through a wall or drop my cup or something."

Giles nods. "And I've already told you this will pass as your mind returns to normal...or what passes as normal for around here.”He turns to Xander and asks. "Right now then let’s get this over with so we can get back to a relaxing weekend shall we?"

Xander shrugged. "Apart from a noisy neighbor and speaking with a British accent when I first woke up nothing much. “Xander leaned over and watched Willow as she worked on her homework. He suddenly blurted out in a broad English accent. “Poppycock! Big bang theory my arse! The fool should have simply asked someone that was there." He smiled then pulled out a small brown paper bag and offered it to a shocked Willow. “Jelly baby?"

Before she could say anything Xander dropped the bag and gripped his head. "That freaking drummer boy's back. ”Xander stood up causing his chair to shoot back."Romana! Susan! Leela,Jo,Nyssa,Astrid,Martha,Liz,Lucy!" He looks at Willow. “Amelia? River Song!" Then Buffy moves between them. He looks at her with tears in his eyes as he reaches out to her.

"Rose? You came back." The smile turned to a scream as he began hitting his head. "Dead, dead! They're all dead or gone!"
His scream went up an octave before his arms dropped to his sides as his eyes rolled back and he slumped bonelessly to the floor.


The threesome were sat in uncomfortable plastic hospital chairs as they waited for one, of the many doctors that had gone into examination room Xander had been placed into come out and tell them how their friend was. Giles was busy adding to his notes on what Xander had said and done, a faint trickle of both excitement and despair tickling the back of his mind and he sought to remember something. He tapped the book. “This all seems so…familiar somehow.” He turned to a visibly worried Willow.” Do either of you have any idea who he went as?"

Both girls shrugged and Buffy replied. “Someone English, smart as well as being a smart ass, he knew enough to know it was magic."

Willow shook her head. "No, we said it was magic he said it was a quantum flux in the space time multiverse affecting people that were wearing costumes purchased from Ethan’s. "She blushed. “I thought it sounded more scientific than 'magic’. “She then remembered. "He had a big hat, a curly brown wig..."

Buffy cut in as she remembered. "A long, long scarf and called himself a Doctor."

Willow shook her head. “No, I’m pretty sure he said he was 'THE Doctor."

Giles dutifully added this to an ever growing list of information when, finally, a Doctor walked quickly towards them. He looked like a man with visions of fame in his future wrote across his features. “Mr Harris?" He went to shake Giles's hand.

Giles shook his head. "No urm I'm one of his teachers, I brought Alexander in after he collapsed at school."
The smile froze on the doctor’s face. "Any idea where Mr or Mrs Harris might be?"

Giles knew about the Harris's, he had said Xander would be safer at home only to be proven wrong when he had gone there to try and stop him from going to the Master's cave. “You could probably try The Bottle Barn, it is after 10am."Giles sighed. “Sorry that was uncalled could try their home, I called several times but there was no reply."

The Doctor nodded. “Ahh then this might be difficult."
"WHY?" Buffy asked with worry.

The doctor glanced at Buffy before telling Giles. "We might need to section Mister Harris for his own health." He looked at Giles. "Are you aware of any...physical or mental defects in Alexander are you?"

Giles shook his head. "Apart from a rather thick skull and a propensity to inhale snack cakes no. "He then regretted what he said. "Why?"

The doctor was reluctant to say." No matter I'm sure once we contact the Harris's we can sort this out."

Willow asks. "Can we see him?"

"Alexander is in some pain at the moment and is not up for visitors. Perhaps once we stabilize his condition we will allow them then." He then turned and left them.

Willow narrowed her eyes at the retreating doctor. "I smell a rat."

Giles shrugged. "He is within his rights not to tell us more. I just wis...Uhh want to know what has this facility in such a state over him."

Buffy nudged Willow. "Did you bring your laptop when we left the library?"

Willow nods." It's in my bag..." She smiled as she guessed why Buffy had asked. "All I need is a phone line."

Giles looked up from his notebook as both the teens got up to leave. "We're just going to...check...stuff.”Buffy stumbled through her words as she followed Willow. Giles sat there for five minutes then went to look for the hacker and his slayer.

Buffy jumped as Giles walked into the empty administration room."Geee...Iles! Make a noise or something!"

Giles kept the door slightly ajar as he told them. "You have about 5 more minutes until the nurse returns." He checked the hallway and then asked. "Did you find anything?"

Willow tapped a key and a small printer in the corner began to print out the doctors notes on Xander. "Yeah no thanks to Buffy."

Buffy stood up. "Hey I am not going to break into my watchers car for your laptop." She turned to Giles. "Why lock that wreck anyway?"

Willow closed down the computer and went over to the printer. "If Xander had been here he would have had it open in seconds like he..."She stopped as her brain caught up with what she was reading and had to read it again. "No way!"

She handed the report to Giles as they quickly left the room. "It would appear Xander retained a lot of his costume." Giles told them. "I need to contact my uh... contacts." He headed off to the bank of payphones near the entrance.

Buffy nods. "Council call." She then turned to Willow ."So what’s the 411?"

Willow sat down in another hard chair stunned by what she had read. "When he came in they hooked an ECG up to him along with a lot of other equipment..."She turned to Buffy. "He has two hearts!"

Buffy shook her head. "It had to be faulty Xander's...Xander. I would have known if he had two hearts."

"They would have tried another one but some sort of shiny gold mist came 'out' of Xander and shorted out their equipment."
Buffy sat next to her. "God I hate Sunnydale!"


The Doctor had been trying to decide how to deal with both his thoughts on what had happened and how best to help Amy Pond. His best friend and unknown, till several weeks ago, mother of his girlfriend/wife (depending on what time line they were in) River Song. But that fact wasn't what had brought her world crashing around her. First the child she had just given birth to had been snatched away from her and her husband Rory. The Doctor had assured her he would find and return Melody to her parents. Both he and Rory had tried to do just that. They had found both who had taken Melody and also why they had taken her. She was to be used as a weapon against the most feared man the multiverses had ever known. A man that she would indeed one day kill and for that crime she would be sentenced to spend all her lives behind bars on a secure prison station made just for her. The fact she could wander in and out of said prison didn't seem to faze anyone other than the Governor of the jail at the time.

He seriously considered using an Andorran mind wipe device to remove the memory of her tragedy. Rory the nurse, Rory the Roman, the last Centurion, Rory the boy who waited...waited no longer. He had distracted the robot guards long enough for him to grab Melody but he did too good a job. The Daleks and Cybermen literally left nothing of him but a skeleton and the Doctors spare sonic screwdriver clutched in the remains of his hand.

Rory Williams, husband to Amy Pond, father of Melody Pond was dead. Truly dead this time and no matter how much Amy begged him he could not, would not break the time stream and save him. As he had explained a hundred times now.

He gently touched Amy's shoulder. "I can neither save Rory any more than I can stop what is going to happen to me in Utah. They are events of destiny, events that cannot, WILL not be changed."

She shrugged away from his hand even though she didn't blame him she was still as angry as she ever would be. She turned to face him, trying to make him understand. "He was my husband, father of our child, my lover, my life!"

"Ah Amy, Amy, Amy...You my dear are destined for so much more. I can't say the pain will ever go. It has never left me..." He saw her glance at him. "You know I killed every last Galifrayian, my own own wife…to stop the Daleks Time Invasion. Do you not think if I could go back and save someone I would have done so by now?" He looked at her tear filled eyes. "Maybe I've lived too long, maybe I should do something about that before Utah..." He whispered.

Amy stood and glared at him." Don't you DARE!" Her Scottish brogue more pronounced when she was angry. "I've already lost one person I loved I couldn't bear to lose another...Besides all the worlds need you." She smiled sadly as she buttoned up his coat. "I know you doctor. Just because you're a Time Lord doesn't mean you know everything."

The Doctor gave a half smile. "There's the Amelia Pond I knew." He hugged her. "Time may heal, but you never forget."

She nodded. "Can I…will I ever see her again?" She waived her hand in the air. "I mean besides as your girlfriend...boy I for one am neverrrr going to get used to saying that, let me tell you." She looked at him in earnest. "I don't blame you ...any more. I blame the bastards that killed him."

He tried to reassure her as he gently wiped the tears from her eyes. "They're dead, the ones that ordered it...dead, anyone, anything vaguely connected to what happened is Uhh dead."

She gave him a puzzled look. He blushed." Ok I might have gone overboard but I was very angry at the time and broke rule number 42." She nods then asks."42?" "Never, ever use overkill. I amended it to…There is no such thing as overkill just reload and fire."

She couldn't help herself and a small smile replaced the deep frown. "So what now?"

He shrugs. "We grieve, we move on...We NEVER forget the man…unless you don't want to in which case. "He looks around sniffs. "I suppose I can stay here for the next 150 years or so…do you have cable?"

Amy shook her head. "Too expensive and it's just full of repeats anyway."

He takes out his screwdriver and wiggles it about. "Pay ? I feel like living dangerously."

An alarm goes off from the TARDIS and the screwdriver begins to buzz and light up. He looks at the readout. "That...That's not possible..!" He drops onto the bed.

She looks at him. "Okay I'll ask...What's not possible?"

He shakes the device. "Must be faulty." He laughs. "Crazy place this 'Earth' of yours Pond." He holds it up to her. "This is trying to tell me it's registering Regeneration waves."

Monday November 3

Nurse Johansson rechecked the paper data read out from the older body function machine they had been forced to use after the other had been left a mess of melted circuits. "Still two hearts, a higher blood pressure but no adverse effects on the patient...God I hate living in...Hello?"

She had almost jumped as the young man in a strange suit straightened his bow tie. "Hello my name is the doctor."

She watched as he pulled an I.D. wallet from his pocket. "Who?"

He showed it to her. ”Pardon?" He replied.

She sighed. "Doctor.... Who?"

He shook his head. “No, Doctor Smith actually." He replaced the high level I.D. and continued in a clipped public schoolboy accent. "Doctor Who is my Grandfather or will be." He said with a smile. "How is Mr Harris?"

The nurse looked confused for a second then told him. "He seems settled for now. We had to sedate him due to the uncontrollable outbursts and fits he was having. "She stopped and turned to him. ”Can you explain to me how he has two hearts, because I have never heard of it before?"

The Doctor tapped a pen against the clipboard. "Ahh yes two hearts...very rare genetic disorder. In the past five years I've only come across two people with the…condition."

"And they lead normal healthy lives?"

He paused. "Uh no I can honestly say no to both." He then took out his sonic screwdriver ,adjusted it and pointed it at Xander. The nurse watched as it emitted a strange blue light. The Doctor looked at the readings it gave, then shut it off and replaced it in his pocket. He smiled at her. "I've said it before and I'll say it again…Strange place the earth."
He rubbed his hands together then clapped. "Righty then you said he had fits and outbursts, can you clarify that for me please?"

She nodded. "Yes well when he was lucid he would complain about a noise, drumming to be precise."

The Doctor sighed. "Oh dear. That maybe a problem indeed." He leaned over Xander and lifted an eyelid. "Hmm interesting." He had all the normal indications. The small gold flecks still floating in the iris, the slightly elongated cornea that all pre-ritual Galifrayian teens had. "Yes the 'drumming' is a psychosomatic response to the 'beating' of the universe's time...."He realized he was talking to a human and stopped.”It's a psychosis that needs treatment if we are to save both the boy's life and his sanity." The Doctor then whispered.*don’t want another Master running around the place after all*
He stood away from Xander and told the nurse. "I need to consult with a colleague and we will return." He made to leave then stopped and turned back. "Under NO circumstances is the boy to be moved understood?"

She nods. "Yes doctor, but what about Dr Sandler’s orders? Mr Harris is to be moved to the Wilkins Institute at the end of the week."

He smiles as he leaves. "Oh we'll be back before then my dear."

LIBRARY - Same time.

Giles had several old books ,scrolls and even a rubbing off of a temple wall's hieroglyphs laid out before him, as well as a couple of reams of faxes from the council. He looked up at the pair. "I'm afraid Xander maybe in more trouble than I had first thought."

Buffy nods. "He's possessed right? We need to de-possess him but quick before they send him to that place."

Willow nods. "Yeah people that go into the Wilkins Institute never come out."

"It may be more than a simple possession." He lifted the copies of Xander's report Willow had obtained. "His DNA has been altered. Instead of two strands of DNA he currently has 6! Some of their molecular make up is unknown to human sciences."
He then pushed the books and scrolls towards the pair as he held up a fax from the council. "Now then, regarding 'The Doctor' person, as you can see from the information we have ,as well as what the council has supplied, this being often appears shortly before occurrences that can only be explained as either 'un-natural' or unexplainable. In both cases this means loss of life."

Buffy sees one of the incidences and is shocked. "Lots of lives in fact." She looks at Giles. "How do we kill it? How do we make sure Xander is dispossessed, un possessed? Made my Xander shaped friend again."

Willow asks. "But this creature hasn't appeared, it's just a case of possession surely?"

Giles removed his glasses in thought. "Well we can only assume he hasn’t made an appearance. The descriptions of him change from time to time almost as if it's not one being, it may be a cult, or even a race of some sort."

Buffy nods. "Right we set up a watch on Xander while you figure out how to undo what Ethan Rayne did to him...Maybe he knows? Maybe we should be hunting him down and 'make' him tell us how to undo this change."

Giles nods. "The council has teams out looking for him and believe me when I say if he can be found, he will be found." He then picked up a few photo's from the pile. These were obtained from a rich benefactor who had an interest in this Doctor being." They looked at the pictures of an old fob watch, a plastic dummies head and arm and a strange cube that had writing no one had as yet been able to translate. "The watch looks normal however it has been analyzed and found to be made out of materials not found on earth. The manikin parts, I’m led to believe, are the remains of shop dummies that attacked London in 2005."He looked at them. "The doctor was seen in the area before the attack, also we believe a related bombing incident of a well know clothing store."

"And the cube?" Willow asks while holding the cube.

Giles shrugged. "No one has any idea of what it is or what it does; it was found after another sighting in 17th century Naples .Needless to say loss of life was also involved."

Buffy asks her watcher after she had thought things through. "So what does this mean in regards to Xander? I mean are we expecting a visit from this Doctor demon?"

Giles nods. "I believe that when Xander was mutated, possessed, call it what you will, this Doctor will have known about it and will come here to find out what happened. If Xander has the Doctor's memories then it stands to reason he must have ether felt this or been affected in some way by it."

Giles sat back. "We simply make sure someone is with Xander at all times, wait and when he does appear we will deal with it. Possibly even make this 'Doctor' return Xander back to normal before we send it back to whatever hell it came from."


The Doctor was waiting for Amy to return from her now permanent quarters when suddenly he heard the TARDIS speak to him.*"I see you are not alone anymore my thief."*

He smiled. "Ah it speaks again. Halloo wifey, you sexy thing you. There's no need to be jealous of Amy."

*"The human means nothing; it is of your kind I speak my thief. I sense a still to mature Lord of Time close do know there are none of my sisters left for him."*

"Indeed I do know this, but that's a problem for another day. Our first priority must be to make sure he looks into the abyss as all Time Lords must do upon reaching the age." He looks sad as he thinks of the last time he had to deal with this. "We must be sure he isn't another Master waiting to get out."

*"Should he be so do you have the strength to do what you must? I sense there is an abyss close to us suitable for our needs. Not as strong as the one we used in times gone by but strong enough for our purpose to either bring forth a Lord of Time or..."* She left her sentence incomplete but the Doctor knew what she meant and completed it for her.

"Cast him in....hmm yes I just hope he has strength of character enough to survive either event."

*"And that you have the will to act...your pet is coming…till later my thief."*

The doctor greeted Amy and was again amazed at the spirit of these 'Human beings' they proved themselves one of the most resilient species he had ever come across in his travels. "Ahh Amy glad you could join me in this. It will be good to have a earth person there to help calm him."

Amy just nodded her answer as she placed a pair of sunglasses on. "I hope it's not too hot, I hear it gets awfully hot in California and you know redhead's get sunburnt easy. "She had an attitude of wanting to be somewhere, anywhere, else.
He looked at her with concern." I can do this alone if you don't feel up to it just yet."

She shrugged. "OH I'm up for it Doctor, I need to get out…dust my grove off and ditch the cares." She looked at him. "After all I don't have any left do I? I mean Melody's safe, well she must be as she's your YOUR...Just what is she to you anyway?" She marched towards him. "You changed her nappies and yet you can still fuc..."

The Doctor blushed and stammered. "In my defense I didn't know River was Melody until that day…and…and now if you say so I will not see her again."

She stared at him for a moment then turned and headed towards the door. "Let's get this done and move on. I'll let you know my answer in time." She opened the door to a glorious California evening and was glad she had chosen the cargo shorts. She tapped the front pocket to make sure everything was secure and handy to get at, and then proceeded outside.

The Doctor grabbed a device he had been working on for some time now and prayed they would never need it. He locked the TARDIS and then guided Amy to the hospital.

Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking