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Staplers can be Murder

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Summary: Answer to the I hate work Challenge (W/Richard)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > Willow-Centered > Pairing: RichardlessthanlucidFR1311,478032,59920 Jan 0320 Jan 03Yes
Title: Staplers can be Murder (1/1)
Author: lessthanlucid
Rating: PG13
Pairing: W/Richard
Disclaimer: AB is LKH's and BTVS is Joss
Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth and anyone else who wants it.
Feedback: Sure, I don’t mind at all.
Spoilers: AB to NiC and BTVS Season 6
Notes: Answer to the I hate Work challenge. Willow is working in St Louis, because she needed some space after becoming ubber witch girl.


I thought getting away from the hellmouth was all I needed to get my life together. I was obviously mistaken, here I am working as a personal assistant to the worlds most annoying man...what did I do to deserve this? Nothing even almost trying to end the world doesn't compare to having to work for him. No amount of redemption is worth this. Even Angel would balk at working for the little troll. How is it that I became his personal assistance, well I had a degree and no experience but he gave me a chance. Except he was trying to give me a chance to sleep with him not become his personal assistant. Since I won’t sleep with him I am reduced to fetching and carrying dumb little shit for him.

His latest ploy was to call me on my day off and tell me we had an emergency at the office, I broke up my date and hurried only to find his emergency consisted of not knowing how to turn on and work his own laptop. How utterly stupid could you be it has a power button that’s labeled. What else do you need? Written instructions...obviously. I showed him, he wasn't interested all he wanted was to try and look down my shirt. I actually had to slap the little shits hand away from my breast. I was so beyond even caring he was my boss.

I finally got him to lay off that night but now I am sitting in my little cubicle and waiting for the latest ploy to get into my pants. I don’t think he understands no. I am so tired of being sent to Starbucks for coffee, to the bakery for donuts, to the deli for lunch, to get his oil changed, to pick up his laundry, I was also sent to his house to pick up his briefcase when he forgot it. I also staple reports. I believe I have used more staples than anyone in the whole office. Everyone gives me those pitying looks like they know. They don’t know, if they did they would speak up and say something but they just give their looks and--Damn I broke my ink pen in half. I could possibly finger-paint my desk.

"What the hell are you doing?" I was startled when the troll's voice sounded from behind me.

"Um...decorating?" I had slowly turned around in my chair. I thought maybe he was having a stroke his face was all red. He had this look of complete and utter horror...maybe he was constipated, probably all that grease he ate everyday.

"Decorating? You are decorating. Are you out of your ever-loving mind, little girl? That desk is property of this company, its not there for you to deface." He was shouting I think the third floor could hear him, maybe even the lobby. I wondered if constipation caused this sort of reaction in everyone.

"Well, there was nothing else to do, I mean I am between picking up food and laundry and already got the oil changed so.... I didn’t want to waste the ink in the pen I broke. I was conserving ink, and making this really ugly desk pretty." I was looking at how explanation made him turn redder if that was possible and his beady little eyes got this really crazy looking gleam to them. Maybe he was a demon that would account for it all. I could only hope, then maybe Buffy could slay him.

"You are going to pay for that you ungrateful little bitch." Whoa, no need for all that now.

"Excuse me, but I don’t appreciate the word you choose to describe me. However let me return the favor. I think you are a pompous little shit who probably can't get a normal date so you use the fact that your the boss to get some. Oh, I almost forgot you probably also trying to make up for having a little prick. You prick." That rhymed, I wasn't even trying for that. I smiled. If it was all possible he was looking redder and was hyperventilating.

"You bitch, you ungrateful little bitch, I am going to make sure you pay for that desk, and never work in this town again, not even as a waitress." Well, now that we couldn't have.

"I quit. I hate this job and pity the poor full who replaces me however we can't have you spreading foul rumors about me, that is just not very nice." I was shaking my head and smiling, constipation in old people was really quite atrocious if this gave any clue.

"I don’t care what you want, you're nothing but a lowly errand girl, not even a good piece of ass." Now that I have a problem with, my boyfriend would have a problem with that too.

"I think such rumors would be detrimental to your health." I stood up and straightened my skirt, forgetting that I had ink on my hands.... oh well I had other skirts. I put a hand behind me and grabbed my stapler. I was looking at my boss and wondering what he would do now, he looked ready to cause bodily harm.

"Are you threatening me?" He inquired incredulously. I shook my head no. “I thought so." His gloating was interrupted when I pushed him up against the wall of my cubicle and pressed the stapler to his little prick.

"I don’t threaten, I promise. Now if I find that any rumors have been spread, you are going to find that I will do more than just staple your nuts to the floor. My boyfriend is very...jealous and..... he has a pack of 600 wolves at his disposal, so I think you know that being eaten by wild wolves in the woods can be a not fun experience." He nodded and I smiled. "Glad we understand each other and one more thing this is for all the shit I had to take from you and sexual harassment." I felt no qualm about actually stapling his pants to his was satisfying. He made all these high-pitched squeals like a pig, maybe he would be fun to let loose at the Lupanar. The idea had merit; it had been a while since the pack had eaten human flesh. I picked up the few things that were mine and the stapler, I couldn’t forget the stapler and left.

I arrived at home and wondered if Richard would be home. It was early in the afternoon but I could hope. I saw his car in the driveway but then again Jamil or Shang-Da usually drove him. I walked in the house and everything was quiet, too quiet for Richard to be home. I started unbuttoning my blouse as I moved through the house on the way to the bedroom. I had a lot of ink to clean off my fingers. I was startled when I found Richard in the middle of our bed sleeping.

He looked so peaceful; I thought maybe the bath could wait. I took off the rest of my clothes and joined Richard, even in sleep he gathered me close, I ended up with my head pillowed on his chest and his arms around me. Coming home to him made days like this bearable.

"Hard day?" he asked sleepily.

"Somewhat but its OK, I took care of it."

"Good. Gave that little bastard hell I hope." I smacked him playfully on his chest and laughed, he knew me too well.

"Yeah, I think constipation was the least of his problems after I stapled his pants to his little prick." I could see Richard wince and cover his prick, although his was anything but little.

"You are a wicked woman. I'm glad we don’t have a stapler." I laughed.

"We do now, I couldn't bear to part with it." He groaned and rolled me onto his chest. He started nibbling at my lips, my neck. He moved on to kissing his way down my neck to my shoulder and them my arm-

"Lets hope you have no ground to use it then." The kissing stopped and I opened my eyes.

"What?" He was looking at my hand. Oh right the ink.

"Don't ask just finish what you started before I decide to get the stapler." He gave a mock shudder and laughed.

"You’re full of surprises and I love you for it."

"I love you too. Now pleasure me." He loved it when I was demanding. After a few more minutes of Richard loving I couldn't remember why today had been horrible much less my own name, it was a great afternoon and an even better evening.

The End

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