A Marvel/BTVS crossover....
The X-men were created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. The other characters that are part of the Marvel Universe were created by others and Marvel is now owned by Disney. Buffy the vampire Slayer was created by Joss Whedon.
This is a piece of fan-fiction and is written for fun, not for profit. All characters within belong to their rightful owners. We're all here to have fun so.... nobody lawyer up. You'll just spoil it for the rest of us. ; )
Restful Pines Cemetery....
“What the hell was that?” Buffy asked as she brushed a large amount of dirt off of her blouse.
“I burped.” Xander said. “Sorry about that.” He grinned as he looked at the sizable hole he'd dug with his voice.
“Now I've got dirt in my hair! Warn a girl next time!” Buffy told him.
“Still... that was pretty neat right? Not burping the alphabet neat, but neat.” Xander grinned. “That was like a controlled column of boom wasn't it?”
“Still not as effective as you with a stake.” Buffy told him. “You made that vamp's head explode from like fifty feet.”
“Please... it was more like twenty.” Xander grinned. “Still... aside from your ears ringing a little.... how am I doing?”
“Well... it could be worse. We could be dead.” Buffy told him. “Like Faith might be.”
“If I had known the Council were going to take her... I'd have done something else.” Xander sighed. “Odds are she's out of the country by now. When they want to, those bastards work fast.”
“Don't I know it.” Buffy muttered as she remembered her ordeal in being drugged and forced to kill that insane vampire while nearly helpless. She didn't like feeling that weak. The feeling of being that weak and helpless still scared her.
It was the main reason why she wanted Xander to cut back on helping with the Slaying duties. He'd been normal then... nearly helpless like she was. The fact that he'd always been fighting much stronger and faster opponents since he'd started didn't matter. He'd been normal... so he should have stuck to the sidelines for his own safety.
Not that she'd tell him that. Especially since he suddenly developed lethal powers of his own. She briefly imagined Xander actually blasting demons with a chopstick in each hand. Why he would be humming the 1812 Overture at the time she didn't know.
Buffy blinked as she focused on the here and now.
“Sorry about that.” Xander grinned after the vampire who was rising from his grave exploded in a cloud of ash. “Was it something I said?”
“It was probably your breath.” Buffy smirked.
“Quiet you.” Xander said with a glare.
“I think that's my line.” Buffy grinned.
“Can I see your stake again?” Xander asked her.
“No.” Buffy told him. “Mr. Pointy stays with me for now. You don't need any more firepower at the moment.”
“Says you.” Xander pouted.
“Says I.” Buffy agreed.
“Here here.” Giles, Oz and Willow called from the sidelines.
“What?” Buffy said as she looked at them. “My hearing is still a little funny.”
The next day.....
“Everybody say Way o!” Xander sang.
“Way o!” The remaining members of 'Dingoes ate my Baby' sang back....
“Well...” Xander grinned.
“Dude... you're in. Now we can definitely use the stuff Devon didn't write.” Tim, the drummer said with a grin. “He didn't have the range for it.”
“What kind of range are we talking here?” Xander asked with a raised brow.
Tim dug through some papers before pulling out some scribbled sheet music. He produced it with a small flourish.
Xander looked and the music and whistled.... “That's a big range. It's been a while since I took band... but I'll give it a shot.”
“That's all we can ask for.” Oz said. “That and maybe a new name.”
“On three.” Tim said as he cracked his drumsticks together. “One, two, three...”
Later that night.....
“Sorry I'm late.” Oz said as he sat down on the sofa.
“Practice run late?” Willow asked him as she handed him the bowl of popcorn.
“Yep.” Oz said before munching on some of the buttered goodness. “We're actually going to have to practice now. Xander's got star potential.”
“Seriously?” Willow asked.
“Guy's got the voice of an angel.” Oz admitted, though he didn't mention that Xander could howl like a demon as well.
“Oh.” Willow said with a fair amount of surprise. “I might have to sit in on a practice sometime.”
“I wouldn't.” Oz told her. “It'll be a while before we really synch as a band.”
Again.... he was omitting stuff. They synched after about twenty minutes of goofing around. Xander's sense of humor was actually working well with the other band members.
If you added the whole Xander cheating on his super hot girlfriend with Oz's girlfriend... well he already had some of the rockstar image down.
“Oh.” Willow said with a nod. “You guys will be performing at the Bronze soon right?”
“Soon enough.” Oz agreed. “We're on the schedule for a week and a half from now.”
“You guys will do great.” Willow assured him.
“Yeah.” Oz nodded. “We will.”
“I see.” Giles whispered into the phone. “That's more than a little disturbing to hear. Thank you for your time.... They've hired who? Oh dear... he usually does things in a very messy manner doesn't he? Unkillable.... really? They're sending an unkillable assassin after someone immune from harm? Yes I understand he'll probably find a way but.... He'll be here in a week you say? Why so long?”
Giles sighed as he heard the answer. “Right.... Vegas.” He muttered. “He's going to have a literal layover isn't he? Thanks for the heads up. I'll send the usual bottle for Christmas. I love you too Aunt Agatha.”
Giles hung up the phone and walked towards his bathroom. He needed some aspirin. He usually did when he called his 'Aunt' but this was going to be a bad one.
Someone was trying to Ascend to true demon-hood and the Hellfire Club had hired an assassin to take care of it. While the assassin wasn't the best or the brightest.... he was the craziest.
Brilliant..... just brilliant.
He had a week to prepare his.... charges for the upcoming madness.
The Bronze..... 10 days later....
Cordelia, Willow and Buffy continued staring long after the renamed band finished their first set for the evening.
“They weren't that good.” Angel said as he tried to get their attention.
All three girls turned to look at him, giving him disbelieving stares.
“Okay, they were great.” Angel admitted. “Still.... it was probably a fluke.
“I heard that Deadboy.” Xander grinned. “That was just the lighter stuff. We're gonna rock later.”
“How...but....you....” Cordelia stammered. “Why can't I get superpowers like that?”
“Because your life hasn't sucked as much as mine?” Xander shrugged. “We've been practicing a lot, but I'm just singing what the other guys wrote. I'm just the voice.”
“It's one hell of a voice.” Willow muttered.
“Yeah.” Buffy agreed. “Still... we need to keep an eye out. That assassin guy is a few days late.”
“Well... Giles did tell us he had a short attention span.” Willow said. “He's going to show up and kill whoever it is that's supposedly trying ascend to demon-hood.”
“Should I feel bad about that?” Buffy asked the others.
“Well... it's someone forsaking humanity for power.... so no. Not really.” Xander told her. “From what Giles told us this is way worse than someone wanting to become a vampire. This is pure unadulterated evil on a nearly cosmic scale of badness.”
“So... we help the assassin guy?” Buffy asked.
“We help by staying out of his way.” Angel said. “I've heard of this guy. He's insane and prone to using explosives at the drop of a hat.”
“So..... He's like Xander on a sugar rush?” Cordelia asked.
“More like if Xander were tweaking on a mix of amphetamines, cocaine and LSD.” Angel said. “Though unlike Xander, this guy is unkillable.”
“So.... I vote for skipping town when this guy shows up.” Buffy said with a nod. “Anyone with me?”
Everyone except Xander raised their hands.
“What? I want to meet this guy.” Xander grinned. “He sounds like a blast!”
“I do don't I?” A red clad figure wearing matching mask with black spots where his eyes were said as he appeared next to the group.
“Shit!” Angel said as he took a step back from the assassin.
“Gotta love personal teleporters.” The red clad figure said as he looked around. “Mine seems to drop me off in the most interesting places.
“You're Deadpool?” Xander asked the figure.
“Yup.” The figure nodded as he stared at Xander. “You know.... you look a little familiar. Did I kill your father or something?”
“Have you killed anyone named Tom Cassidy?” Xander asked him.
“Wait.... Irish Tom Cassidy.... about your height, shoots energy beams from wooden objects.. that Tom Cassdy?” Deadpool asked.
“My dad has that power too?” Xander grinned. “Cool.”
“Black Tom's son.... oooh.... we're gonna have so much fun!” Deadpool giggled. “Have you got any chopsticks?” He asked as he started digging around in the bag he had with him. “Let's see... Thermal detonator, a kazoo.... ear plugs.... a bushel of bananas.... Hang on I know they're in here.”
“Umm... we have a couple of sets to do. Can that wait?” Oz asked the masked assassin.
“You're in a band? Cool. Ooh! Alcohol!” Deadpool said before wandering off towards the club's bar.
“That guy is neat.” Xander grinned. “He's got a regular bag of holding. You guys can run out of town after the show but I want to party with that guy.”
“Oh god... they could be brothers.” Angel muttered.
“I wonder what he looks like under that mask.” Cordelia muttered as she looked at the assassin who was drinking straight from the largest and cheapest bottle of \vodka the Bronze had.
“We should go.” Buffy said to Willow.
“But I wanted to hear them play again.” Willow pouted.
“Fine.” Buffy sighed. “After the sets are over we're leaving town for a while. I better call Giles and let him know Deadpool is here.”
“You do that.” Willow said as she watched Xander and Oz get back on stage. She wondered what they would play next.
An hour and a half later.....
“You really want to see what's under here?” A moderately drunk Deadpool asked Cordelia.
“Well... you're either really handsome or horribly disfigured. I figure it's a fifty-fifty shot.” Cordelia shrugged. “Can you blame me for being curious?”
“Nope.” Deadpool said with a shake of his head. “It's your dinner on the floor though.”
“Huh?” Cordelia asked. What did he mean by that?
Deadpool removed his mask and took another swig of his vodka.
“Eww.” Cordelia said a she scrunched up her nose. “It's like someone smeared canned cat food all over your face.”
“It's cancer. I got experimented on to save my life from the big C. It kind of worked.” Deadpool told her. “The good thing is, I'm alive. The downside is that the cancer is everywhere.”
“Eww...” Cordelia said.
“Yep.” Deadpool said as he put his mask back on. “So what's your story?”
“Had money and a boyfriend. Boyfriend cheated on me and now the money's gone too.” Cordelia told him.
“Huh.” Deadpool said. “Sucks. Was he the boyfriend?” He asked as he nodded at the stage.
“Yeah. You a mind reader?” Cordelia asked him.
“Nah. I got a copy of the cliff's notes before I came into town.” Deadpool told her. “It's kind of cheating but I don't really like reading the whole script. It gets boring reading the parts I'm not in.”
“Say what?” Cordelia asked.
“Don't worry about it.” Deadpool assured her. “You should get out of town with the others. It's gonna get messy.”
“How messy?” Cordelia wondered.
“Have you ever been to a Gallagher show?” Deadpool asked her.
“Who?” Cordelia said.
Deadpool sighed. “What are you kids learning these days?”
“Okay, before we get started.... I'm going to give you something I stole a little while back. I have a feeling you're going to need it if we're going to hang.” Deadpool said to Xander as he dug around in his bag.
“What is it?” Xander asked as he fiddled with the drumsticks Tim had loaned him for the evening.
“Personal force field. If the town is as weird as you say, you're going to be shot at and unlike me you won't survive it.” Deadpool said as he finally found what he'd been looking for. He handed Xander a funny looking belt.
“Did you get this off a wrestler?” Xander asked him.
“Maybe.” Deadpool shrugged. “That or bigfoot. I don't really remember that night all too clearly. Go suit up.
Xander nodded before going to go do just that.
10 minutes later....
“Wait.... did I miss a memo? Why are you dressed like Banshee?” Deadpool asked Xander as the teen came back wearing the outfit Oz had cobbled together for him.
“Who?” Xander asked.
“You know, Banshee? Has the power to fly using his sonic scream? Black Tom's cousin? Guy who's daughter I'm going to end up dating eventually?” Deadpool asked. “Member of the X-Men? Ring any bells?”
“X-Men? Is there a team out there led by someone named Xander?” Xander asked Deadpool.
“How can you not know about most current events?” Deadpool asked Xander.
“Oh crap. Sunnydale Syndrome hits again.” Xander muttered.
“Do what now?” Deadpool asked him.
“My whole town has this condition. If anything weird happens they tend to repress or ignore it.” Xander told him “So mutants are pretty common then?”
“Yeah.” Deadpool told him. “Have been for a while. Heck there have even been giant robots built to kill them.”
“Giant robots you say?” Xander asked. “Really? Go on.”
“Well... my history is a little rusty but I think it all started during the pre-disco era with a man named Bolivar Trask.” Deadpool said as wavy lines began to form around them.
One groovy flashback later......
“What was that?” Xander asked as reality righted itself around them.
“Narrative Flashback. You get used to them.” Deadpool told him. “Well... you might not but I have.” He said with a shrug.
“Why did everyone have Afros?” Xander asked as he pulled off the Afro wig that had appeared during the flashback.
“Hey, they're my flashbacks.” Deadpool shrugged. “You ready to rumble?”
“Let me grab a soda first.” Xander grinned.
Later.... Wilkin's Park.....
“Stop or we'll shoot!” Screamed one of the policemen surrounding them.
Deadpool looked at his 'not a tricorder' then at the cop. “Not human.” He told Xander.
“Nice.” Deadpool said as he put up his umbrella. "You have to work on that sonic lance though. You need a better method of focusing it.”
“Like what?” Xander asked Deadpool.
“Burping is cool... but you just gotta do a quick scream or something. The soda thing's a crutch. You'll figure it out.” Deadpool said as he scratched his head. “You know we've taken out half the police force and three night janitors. The big guy should show up soon.”
“Who is the big guy exactly?” Xander asked. “It's not the chief of police, he blew up real good.”
“Yeah, I think his blood contained methane or something.” Deadpool said. “Standing around waiting for this douche isn't working like I had planned.”
“Why? We've been doing pretty good.” Xander wondered.
“Well... I haven't beaten anyone to death with a churro yet. I was really looking forward to that.” Deadpool told him. “Still... He should be here any....”
“What's all this nonsense about?” A voice called from the darkness.
Xander perked up. “That's the Mayor.”
“Moment now.” Deadpool finished. “Hey Macarena!”
“Please... don't do that dance. That piece of filth was outlawed in this town.” Mayor Wilkins the Third said as he stepped under one of the still working street lights.
“Seriously?” Deadpool asked Xander.
“Now that I think about it... that was kind of evil.” Xander said with a nod.
BLAM went Deadpool's Ruger Super Redhawk, causing the Mayor's head to explode in a spectacular fashion.
“Nice. What size was that?” Xander asked Deadpool.
“.454 Casull round. Most powerful round I can get commercially right now.” Deadpool said. “Hang on, he's getting back up.”
“Well... that left a stain didn't it?” Mayor Wilkins said as he looked at his suit. “Was that really necessary?”
“Yes.” Xander and Deadpool said together as Deadpool fired his gun again while Xander channeled energy blasts through two police batons he'd picked up from the dead demons around them.
The Mayor exploded into multiple pieces this time.
“Five bucks says he reforms in less than three minutes.” Deadpool bet Xander.
“Nah. No bet.” Xander said with a shake of his head. “Though... I have encountered something that was similar. He survived being in pieces for centuries. Parts were kept in blessed iron boxes.”
“Demon?” Deadpool asked.
“Yeah. You know... We might be able to find most of the boxes.” Xander hedged.
“Doublestuffed mayor? Sounds doable. He's only like this for a good ninety days or so. That's when he's supposed to turn into a pure demon. Thing is... if he's incomplete.... he's useless.”
“So.... we fill his severed head's mouth with salt then sew it's lips shut and box it up?” Xander ventured.
“That's a start.” Deadpool agreed. “Maybe stuff a sock in his mouth too. He is a magician.” He said before firing another shot off. “See? He reformed already.”
“Yeah. How much ammo you got?” Xander asked.
“Get the head box. I'll hold him off.” Deadpool told the teen.
Xander nodded before taking off with a scream.
Deadpool winced but kept his sights on the quivering body of the Mayor. He had a job to do. Damn Hellfire Club. They just had to hold his Slurpee machine hostage didn't they? The one thing that made him happy and they just took it! The bastards!
“That was fun.” Xander said as he and Deadpool sealed up the last part of the Mayor into one of the Judge's old boxes. “Let's get these things separated and I'll buy you an Icee.”
Deadpool sniffed. “It's just not the same.” He said before he started sobbing hysterically.
“There there.” Xander said as he tried to comfort the crying assassin. “Come on, I'll get you a Twinkie.”
“Ding Dong or nothing.” Deadpool said as he looked up at Xander.
“No way.” Xander said with a shake of his head.
“I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then.” Deadpool said with a sigh as he shook his head.
“I miss the old us.” Xander said as he noticed Deadpool's aloofness.
“Did I mention I'm going to end up banging your second cousin?” Deadpool asked Xander.
“And we're back.” Xander grinned.
“MMMffff” Came a from one of the metal boxes.
“We didn't ask for your opinion.” Deadpool and Xander said together.
“Mayors.” Xander snorted.
“They think they have the answer to everything.” Deadpool agreed. “I am going to need that belt back once the sun comes up. After a certain point it stops being a force field and starts being a bomb.”
“Really?” Xander asked as he looked at the belt we was wearing.
“No. I just want it back.” Deadpool giggled.
“Fair enough.” Xander said with a shrug. “Any hints on what my cousin's name is? Or where my Dad is right now?”
“Now those... are secrets.” Deadpool told him. “You'll find out on your own. Later. Stop trying to skip chapters.”
“Do what now?” Xander asked.
“If I told you, I'd have to kill you.” Deadpool grinned.